New Year's Resolutions
At this happy time, when the year is young and unblemished, many of us look to the 360-odd days to come and think, "How can I be a better person? How can I, insignificant as I am, make a difference? And how can I get closer to that girl from the Marketing Department? You know who I mean -- the blond? Kind of short, but not too short, blue eyes, I think, or maybe green -- could be brown, how would I know? Anyway, you know who I mean? Do you know anything about her?" These are the kinds of things we think at this time of year.
I, too, have pondered these subjects, and, as so many do, I have compiled a list of precepts and goals to help me answer these timeless questions. Call them New Year's Resolutions, if you will -- and even if you won't:
10. Update Web site at least once before December.
9. Book early -- and save!
8. Watch less "Buffy" (tapes are wearing out from constant use anyway).
7. Write best-selling book.
6. Run for office, win -- and then show them all what REAL "high crimes and misdemeanors" are.
5. Write second best-selling book.
4. Investigate this whole "personal hygiene" thing everyone seems so big on.
3. No more aardvarks.
2. Breathe more.
1. First step: Learn her name.