Tuesday, February 26, 2013, 2:34:21 PM
AR Neal IP: 188.8.131.52
I see you went to that 'work' place and left me alone with Jordan again. I left you a hairball on the kitchen table. It symbolizes my utter disdain for this life I have been forced to lead while still showing my deep, roiling, inner pain. As you know I am an artist at heart and worked on it for hours. Enjoy.
P.S. I am now going to begin focusing my labors on an interpretive dance that I shall do for you when you return. It is a study on my meditations on my inner turmoil.
Boy, this guestbook looks quite abandoned. Apparently, (rolls eyes) Patrick's too important to post here. Oh, and speaking of Pat, looks like the 1st is out for him. I dont think we can make it down there for this one and its too bad cause I really wanted to see him in the Odd Couple. I'll bet he's a great Felix.
IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION DUE TO THE LOW PRODUCTIVITY IN YOUR DEPARTMENT THAT YOU ARE SURFING THE INTERNET.
CHATTING WITH YOUR FRIENDS DURING OFFICE HOURS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND FURTHER USE OF THE UNIVERSITY'S INTERNET WILL RESULT IN WARNINGS, SUSPENSION AND FINALLY TERMINATION.
OTHER PUNISHMENTS WILL BE:
A NASTY COUGH
AN IRS AUDIT
AND WAXING OF THE BIKINI AREA
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO OPERATION
Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
Dere aint no Stacy round here!!!
Heres to a speedy recovery! YES Stacy I will have another.
Dont let her fool you.
Tomorrow and Thursday I will travel to 107th and Cicero will report any and all sightings of prostitutes. Let Patrick know I will try to find someone special for him.
*not one word Kathy!*
At least thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
#2. Raisins are natures candy!!
#3. "Names changed to protect the innocent" is Patrick. He's stalking me. Wherever I go on the internet....he's there.
I understand that there is an entire wall in his home devoted to pictures of me. Scary.
Thats also my story and I'm sticking to it.
My feelings are hurt. And I don't even like raisins!@
See, I prefer cheese danishes myself.
And the *excuses* she will come up with not to interact with us....shakes head.....
If he showed up on her doorstep, and she found out I sent him there I wouldn't have too much time left on this earth.
I choose life.
I also choose life without internal injuries.
I also choose life without internal injuries, a face not shorn of its eyebrows while I sleep.
Where's Patrick? I told him to come over here!
The words STOP POSTING ON MY WEBSITE were keyd into one side of my car.
The on the other side was written: I HAVE CELLULITE THE SIZE OF COTTAGE CHEESE!!
Really Mel, isnt this going too far???
As a matter of fact she called me just this morning.
Here is a transcript of our conversation:
Me: (Sweetly & Cheerfully) Hello?
Mel: Look Bitch, I'm not posting any crap you or your freak show friends write on my website. Got it?
Me: Freak show? You mean my dear, kind friend Kathy perhaps?
Mel: No, Mahatma Fucking Ghandi! Yeah, Kathy dumb-ass.
Me: I-I-I-s there something wrong dear sister?
Mel: Yeah, your face. Now get lost shit-for-brains or I'll have you banned from the internet in general. Don't test me or you'll be sorry.
Mel: Well, I have to go now. There's some crack heads down in the bad part of town and I just got myself a new slingshot. Target practice baby!
Well, there you have it. Sniffle. I'm sorry but Melanie just seems to not
LOOK OUT! SHE'S GOT A RAKE!!!!!!
*mutters* wasnt any bigger than the other things I've written......
Mel, I sent it to you by e mail. See if you can post the frikkin thing!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Melllllly!!!
Happy Birthday to you!!!
* diary: a daily written record of (usually personal) experiences and observations
* a periodical dedicated to a particular subject; "he reads the medical journals"
* daybook: a ledger in which transactions have been recorded as they occurred
* a record book as a physical object
* the part of the axle contained by a bearing
Wow I was able to type that with a straight face!
Thats ok, I talk to myself alllll the time.
Although, hey, maybe its just summer and they really *did* smell. Some people just dont shower like they should ya know.
I believe it was Augusten Burroughs who, when visiting an inn where a avid doll collector lived, wrote:
The only people that should be able to collect dolls are little girls and women who have had their children tragically die in fiery car crashes.
Other than that its just creepy.
He also threatened to go around the inn, taking all the dolls heads and leaving the stalks.
Which reminds me of a funny story......I dont want to name names but there was once a young man who lived with his grandparents. The grandmother collected dolls,....and not just any dolls, she also collected mannequins. She was the proud owner of three department store mannequins, two women and one child sized. The child sized mannequin resided in her dining room, next to the bathroom.
Now Grandma was a small woman and age had made her shorter. She was also hard of hearing so having a conversation with her was often one sided. She would normally just stand and nod and blink alot while offering you a plate of cookies.
Well one dark night this young man had two good friends over for alot of underage drinking in their basement. Spending the night was fine there until a call of nature forced one of these inebriated lads up the stairs to the bathroom.
The other two, wondering where their friend went off to for so long, crept up the stairs and halted as they saw two shadows on the wall. One perfectly still, and the other animated and talking.
Squinting in the shadows they found their friend having a long involved conversation with the department store mannequin. As the two of them ushered him out and down the stairs, the called out over his shoulder, "Well, it was nice talking to you Grandma!"
Well, thats all I have to say about dolls. Just dont be surprised one day if you wake up to find them surrounding your bed, grinning with sharpened teeth. Dont say I didnt warn you.
*For those of you who dont know what that is its a chicken stuffed up a duck, stuffed up a turkey & cooked all together.
Dont bother to thank me, I live to be of service*
Anyhoo, you place yourself between Mrs. Lurkey's legs and tell her to push and pull out the tur-duc-en.
Place tur duck en on a platter and demand to examine the 'baby'.
Check between the ducks legs and pull out the chicken.
Hold it up and exclaim to astonished and delighted guests that this 'birth' appears to be a case of a parasitic twin!!
For a interactive treat go around the table and vote on what to name them.
Carve and serve with gravy and rolls for a memorable family meal!
It was a *completely* consensual relationship.
And the turkey asked for it. Yeah, thats right, I said it.....it ASKED for it!
I mean,...sittin there with that 'come-n-git-me- sailor' tight, plastic wrapper and fishnet bag wrapped provocatively around it.
Then it plays the hot & cold game. First it's as cold as ice,.....your willing to sacrifice our love......(no, wait, thats a Foreigner song....where was I?...oh yeah-)
she's ice cold, then you take her out for a night on the counter...buy her a few pats of butter to get her softened up, you know.....
Next thing you know she's tepid, greased up and ready to hop between the pan & the lid! Home run!
Besides, right across her breast wrapped so tight you could see her goose bumps it says PLUMP, JUICY AND YOUNG.
Is this NOT the dress code of something that WANTED it??? OH YEAH, it wanted it alright....wanted it **bad**.
Next time you're having a turkey, here's what you do.
Take the serving forks and stick them on each side of the turkey breast, behind the joints.
Drop a dishcloth over the forks.
Pull on a rubber glove and address the turkey.
Say: Down a little more......a little more.....a little more.....(gesture to yourself as if you are helping a pilot backing up a 747)...a little more....ok. Your good.
Then reach into the cavity saying earnestly "Lets see what we got here" as if you are spelunking the Cave of Lascaux in France.
Palpatate the stomach area while making a face as if you have just shook hands with a giant squid.
Remarks can be singled out to: "I think I feel an enlarged ovary or a frikkin Ginormous cyst in here....hang on..."
"Isnt it a good thing I only lost three fingers in that logging accident?!?!?"
"Damn these opposable thumbs" (*note: try to say this in your best ironic Charlton Heston imitation.)
Then put the stuffing into a bowl and tell everyone 'your work here is done.
Walk out of the room with your hands in the air ala surgeon. Yell importantly at the hallway to 'prep' the next patient!
Utter nonsense. Rachel Ray is only wearing this because she is spearheading the militant wing of the girl scouts and has been forcing a higher form of consciousness on American men by *actually cooking*.
These men have begun expecting wives to 'cook' in the evenings and has set off waves of rioting from beleaguered women everywhere.
The only reason why her scarf is in tatters is because a mob of rabid women, exhausted after a days work and hounded relentlessly with requests from her family for 'Yankee Pot Roast' attacked her as she left her studio cooking show.
Armed with torches, pitchforks, rakes and sharpened manicure equipment, she was set upon as she exited a back entrance of the food network carrying a tin of warm, home made cookies.
Several women were seen to be smashing the cookies into her mouth as the others tried to choke her with her own scarf.
Security was called and the women were hosed down with water cannon, commonly used in prison riots.
Dripping, the women chanted "NO-TV-JUST-KFC!" for approx 40 minutes until one, Mary-Kate Holmes, told the others she had to go home to watch Sex & The City reruns, and the crowd dispersed.
I cannot believe what it can do. i've downloaded 139 songs and two movies and it barely even full!
Its like magic or something! I gotta show Mdm. Lola this!!
The woman sitting next to him raised a shapely eyebrow, sipping at her mocha frappuccino with its de rigeur shot of hazelnut. "Why you like using those bozos, I'll never understand."
"They're cheap," the man said, ticking off his fingers. "They like messing with reporters. And it keeps Hank away from my Aunt Pru."
"I thought your Aunt Pru liked him."
"She does. It's just that the whole idea of senior sex really squicks me."
His partner sighed. "You're an idiot, you know that?"
"So you tell me." He started the SUV. "Traffic's clearing up. Better get the Ambassador to the pickup point while we still have airspace." He turned in his seat, slinging an arm over the seatback. "Everything good back there, sir?"
The small blue alien waved a mass of tentacles clutching a half-empty Starbuck's venti cup at him. "Meesa fine, but we stop off at Starbucks and get more go-go juice, yes yes?" it gurgled in a voice that sounded like an unholy cross between a water filter and an emu.
It was the agent's turn to sigh. "Whatever you say, sir."
"Is the news director in?!?!" Tammy demands in her most imperial tone. The secretary sputters into the dead phone reciever, hoping to deflect the traffic reporters wrath, her eyes darting behind her glasses like a mouse caught between the paws of a cat.
"T-T-T-Tammy,....erm....back so soon?" She squeaks haltingly. Suddenly, the phone ringer goes off. Tammy looks at her in disgust and marches past her into the office behind the secretary's desk.
"I'll just let myself in shall I?" Tammy growls, her lips curled over her perfectly whitened teeth as she marches into the office and glances over to her left to see Newy Scruggs, the sports reporter sitting in a chair. Recovering her direction, she covers the space between the desk in the middle of the room and the doorway in three strong strides. She points her manicured fingernail into the News directors face and says through clenched teeth. "Never,....and I mean never send me out on an assignment like that again, do you hear me? Never."
The news director sighs and leans back in his chair "Hi Tammy, something amiss?" He scratches his leg absentmindedly awaiting the storm.
"Is something amiss? Is something amiss?!?!?" she mimicks him "Yes, something is amiss!!! I just got a text message from Anderson Cooper in the van on the ride back to the office! He has just informed me that his news director recognised the two "eyewitnesses" that *YOU* sent me out to interviewed tonight! Apparently they are well know "eyewitnesses"! Tammy cries, her chest heaving "*AND* apparently they have been talking to anybody with a microphone that they've seen UFO's over the book depository downtown and have sighted Bigfoot at the Galleria!!!!" Tammy yells, the cords now standing out in her neck.
"To add insult to injury I have moron juice on my Jimmy Choo's!" She puts out her shapely leg to show them her tabacco and spit stained shoewear.
She puts her foot down with utmost dignity as the men look back up at her and takes a deep breath. "I have been humiliated in front of CNN and the City of Dallas. The next time you want an interview with Heckel & Jeckel, send somebody else."
With a last withering glance to Newy and the director she turns and leaves the room, slamming the door behind her.
A silence spins out and the men can hear their breathing. The Newy shruggs and says "women."
The news director raises his eyebrows, shuts his eyes and nods his head in agreement.
"I'm kinda thirsty" Newy says glancing at his watch. "Lets go get a frappicino."
Somewhere, deep in the heart of Texas, two men breathe deep after a long day. They look up at the spring stars, amazed at the enormity of the sky.
Sky that one sees only in Texas.
Hank turns to Jimbo and asks "Wanna go make some crop circles and call channel 11?"
Senora Stacy is illegal alien?!?!?!
Jou know....juss de other day,....I is vacuming an all of a sudden, I swear I see antenna's coming out of her head!
I *new* she was alien den! I is gonna call INS about dis one. I spen 14 hours in de back of pickup truck under 132 pounds of turnips to get in dis country! She jus falls out of flying saucer.
I knew dere was something,...how you say.....strange and loco about her.
I'm startin to feel right at home.
I mean, really????
In case you haven't, here it is!:
Melanie drives home weaving in and out of rush hour traffic. The sugar buzz from her 14th frappicino is in high gear and her eyes dart back and forth across the highway manically.
" Fucking Texans, cant drive for shit. Why o why did I have to go and live in a state with this bunch of losers?" Melanie growls softly.
"My Melly will get us there just fine." Lyndon says and smiles at her.
Melanie's heart melts at the sight of the love of her life and she sighs "Oh honeeey" she says as she steps on the brake and throws her half-filled frappicino out the window, splattering it across the windsheild of a passing tanker truck.
4 hours later....
A television goes on and the Face of Anderson Cooper of CNN fills the screen.
"Today a massive tanker truck caused a pile up that caused traffic to grind to a halt for almost 15 miles in Dallas afternoon traffic. Little is known about how or why the tanker truck driver lost control of his vehicle but foul play has not been ruled out." Anderson intones seriously. " For a better look at the situation we go now to our local reporter Tammy Dombeck for coverage, Tammy?"
"Anderson, much is still unknown about the tanker truck or how it got to be in an uncontrollable conditon on the road. However, eyewitness state the foul play is definitely suspected. Several witnesses observed a woman driving at high speeds with a man in the passenger seat next to her. The woman apparently then threw what looked like a movtov cocktail at the tanker truck. Police suspect it may be somebody protesting the local gas prices....but they also suspect more sinister actions are at hand."
"With me are two eyewitnesses" Tammy explains to the camera as the shot widens to Tammy in a field next to two gentlemen approximately 50 years in age. Both are wearing bib overalls and cowboy hats. "These two men were repairing a fence along the road when they looked up to see a car driving at alarming speeds." Tammy tells the camera "What are your names?"
"My names Hank and this hyear is Jim-bo." The man on the right tells the camera in a dead pan. "We wus walkin along right hyear....jus gettin another plug o tabaccy inna mouth and next thing I kneew this car starts weavin in an out o traffic!"
"In and out." Jim-bo nodds his head slowly up and down.
Hank takes off his hat & scratches his greasy hair "She had this feller with er, talkin all English-like. Some kinda foreigner or sumthin."
"Foreigner or sumthin." Jimbo stares into the camera.
Tammy puts the microphone back to her mouth "Can you tell us anything else about the suspect?"
"Well, let me see here..." Hank spits a wad of tabacco on to the ground, slightly splattering Tammys $600 pair of Jimmy Choo pumps. She wrinkles her perfectly made up nose in disgust. "The foreign feller he says to her somethin about Mel-"
"No it was Del!" Jimbo shows first sign of excitement. "I sure done heard Del." Jimbo nodds emphatically, never taking his eyes off the camera.
Tammy attempts to rub some of the tabacco spittle off on the grass and asks "What do you think could have been the cause of the foreign man saying Del?"
"Well its obvious isnt it?" Hank leans into the camera and whispers shakily "It that Al-kayda! They is in cahoots with that there Tally-ban and they is tryin to block all the nations oil!"
"Nations oil!" Jimbo nods again.
" That thar Tally-ban and Al-kayda, theys gonna try to git Deleware next! Thats why they're sayin Del! They thought they could mess with Texas like they did New York, but they didnt count on a Texas truck driver did they?"
"Did they?" Jimbo repeats, his eyes staring into the camera like a deer in the headlights.
"So you think this *may* be terrorist related?" Tammy asks, concern in her voice.
"I do youung lady" Hank intones solemly.
Jimbo just nods his head, his eyes dry from lack of blink.
Tammy turns back to the camera "That what I have Anderson, back to you in the news room."
Anderson Cooper, looking seriously into the camera says "I have reports here that the National Guard of Deleware has been put on activation - code red - and the Army's fighter planes have been scrambled over Northeastern air space. President Bush has been briefed and Dick Cheney has been moved to a storm cellar on McGuffy's goat farm in central Kansas. When we have further news we will get back to you. Until then, this is Anderson Cooper, 360."
Screen fades as graphic comes up "TEXAS IN STATE OF ALERT FOR TERRORISM" and music plays.
Melanie, watching the news, feet up and munching plate of flatbread and hummus turns to Lyndon and remarks at the screen "Crazy-ass people throwin shit all over the highways."
7 am: get up for work and shower
7:30am: beat cats
8am: Ride into work with my Bodacious Brit. Give every motorist I see the finger who has the *audacity* to glance in my general direction.
8:30am: Arrive at work. Pray to God that the mindless, sniveling drones who work here wont talk to me so I can drink my frappicino in peace! Hopefully they'll all be glued to World of Warcraft all morning.
9-10am: Have to actually wait in line for the copy machine behind some bimbo in a short skirt and a frosted blonde 'do'. She was chatting with the guy in the mailroom as she made me wait for her to make 9 COPIES!! The nerve!
10:00am: Call bimbo's husband and tell him she's having affair with mailroom boy. That'll teach her.
11:00am: Fuck this place, I'm goin to lunch....and then maybe a movie.
3:00pm: Movie was so-so but lunch was good. Got another frappicino.
3:30pm: place paper over my eyelids that are the exact replica of my own eyes and nap. Morons think I'm deep in thought....something *THEY'LL* never have!
4:30pm: Had a weird dream that bimbo next cubicle over was crying into the phone and begging some man. Cant remember exactly what it was but it sounded like she was saying that she isnt seeing anyone. Weird.
5:00pm: I'm out of this popcorn stand!
5:15pm: meet Lyndon at car and snuggle for a bit. Blonde bimbo walks by car, see's us and begins crying uncontrollably. You know you would think they would give these people a screening before they hire the mentally unstable! Sheesh.
5:30pm: Back out and accidentally slam into mailroom-boys car. Stupid shit shouldnt have parked it 50 feet away from me! What an asshole.
6pm: Pick up some dinner at Applebys!
7pm: enter house and beat Consuela for not having the bathroom tub re-grouted, the garage cleaned out, cats litter box emptied, the entire apt painted, and the kitchen floor clean. You just cant get good help these days.
7:30pm: I need some 'me time' and go online and write science fiction.
9:00pm: Snuggle with Lyndon.
10:00pm: Call pizza hut and order 14 pizza's with extra cheese to the girls home down the block that houses girls with eating disorders.
11:00pm. off to sleep.
Oh, all right. I'll update tonight. Sheesh...
and by the way they are talking about you on that pod thingy. Thought you should know.
You are more than welcome to continue posting your insanity here. I just thought that maybe you would like to do it in your own LJ, as well. But ignore that thought and babble away, my dear!
I'm sorry but I wont be posting here anymore. Melanie sent me a scathingly vicious e mail stating that if I wanted to post garbage I could do it on my live journal and not on her website.
And then she said I was badly dressed.
I simply cant take this kind of rejection *sniffle*...............
Oh, and one more thing, that BETTER not be my new Abercrombie shorts that you cut up to make those stupid quilts your selling out in front of Starbucks!!
Oh no you di-nt!
Dont listen to her!
While she's off talking to her boyfriend on her sinful cellphone and working at The Gap (or as I call it- Satan's couture) I am actually doing something with my life. The Ordnung, or the unwritten code of proper Amish behavior,is in my genes and I shall not deny it!
She's at it again. I am so sorry.
Its my sister. She's crazy. She keeps coming in my room and using my computer.
Shes going through a faze and has apparently decided to become Amish of all things. And not just any Amish, she's decided to spearhead the militant evanglelical wing of the A-mish S-pecial S-ociety.
Or, as Uncle Saul calls it the ASS. He keeps asking her if she has one cheek or two which, as you can guess, makes for a *wonderful* sabbath family dinner.*rolls eyes*
Moron couldnt just to out and join a cult like millions of other American teenagers. Nooo.
And her name ISNT Annie Stoltzfus! Its ASHLEY! Ashley Berkowitz. She's decided to begin 'witnessing' for pro-amish causes and trying to get everyone to join her.
Last weekend she jumped up on the head table in a bonnet and black dress at my cousin Marvin's bar mitzvah and raved for almost 10 minutes straight before Rabbi Abrams was able to talk her down.
Its embarrassing. Really.
Why couldnt she have just joined Scientology like everybody else?
Stacy: I dunno Mdm...........
Mdm Lola: Ann why ees she posting under da name Savanah Jean dats wot I wanna know!
Stacy: Yeah...weird huh?
Mdm. Lola: Yeah well she tinks we be goin to Hell dat girl. She be tinkin she in Hell when I gets true wit her!
Stacy: Well, maybe she's just goofy,you get them on the internet you know.
Mdm Lola: Ey! AnnaSavannah oooever you aree! You feet dat itch down dere mon?
Stacy: Oh no-
Mdm. Lola: Dats righ mon....dats no yeast infection dere mon. Does crabs, dey be crawlin, dey be crawlin mon! Hee hee hee
Stacy: I hate it when you get like this Mdm Lola.
Mdm. Lola: Dose crabs doan come from Long John Silvers mon! Da Pacific doan avee crabs dat big! Hee hee hee!
Stacy: Oh for goodness sake Mdm Lola, ew.
Mdm Lola: You gonna be sittin in de vat of RID for de next few weeks girl. You tink about dat next time you be callin people damned mon. Now I gots to go....I gots to receive a shipment of water dats never been run through a pipe an some new chicken blood. I talks wit you ladies later.
I find your lowbrow humor- well, as a decent, Amish, church-going woman, well,... I wont actually *say* what I think of your humor....so-called.
And voo-doo queens? This has got to be the most repulsive writing I have every had the misfortune to read. I will continue to pray for all of your souls and hope that some day you will change your tune. Repent or be damned to hellfire for eternity.
Have a nice day,
Stacy: Hi Mdm Lola, its me again...
Mdm Lola: an I am so appy you called mon-
Stacy: Boy, me too! My sister?? Melanie??? she went and posted our conversation on (rolls eyes)some website the other day-
Mdm Lola: ann I wan to hear everything-
Stacy: and I will tell you everything! She goes and puts up my private conversations from my personal, private, spiritual advisor...ON THE INTERNET no less...and now....now....she's got them up on a podcast website! This is the last straw. Now I don't want to hurt her or anything but I must draw the line somewhere. Can I get a...oh, I don't know....and short spell, or maybe just a light hex to send her a lesson. Nothing too bad. Something like unexpected flatulance at an inappropriate moment,.....or walking down the hallway at work with toilet paper stuck to her shoe....even a paper cut. Just a tiny one. To, you know, teach her a lesson.
Mdm. Lola: sooo please leave a messaaage at da soun of da beep ahn I will geet back to you.
Mdm. Lola: Oh, an Stacy, eef dis ees you,... no,...I gots no spells for da cellulite mon. Tryyy layyeeng off da Dairy Queen for five minutes mon.
Start the blender...........
"Plus, she agreed with Mdm. Lola's Thriller comment."
I should really not think and type at the same time.
Plus, the agreed with Mdm. Lola's thriller comment so I'm making up a voo-doo doll of her. I just hope the Nice-N-Easy hair coloring doesnt do anything to the yak's urine I had to pour on it.
Or was is Zac? Maybe it was supposed to be some kid named Zac. I really should read directions once in awhile.
so much for giving you cherry kool aide.
Really I must go poke my eyes out. I also might have to throw the chicken out that I planned on having for dinner. See what I get for planning!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh well, next time I'm having turkey with the in laws I'll just place myself between the turkey's legs and scoop out some stuffing and tell everyone I just did a pelvic exam on Mrs. Lurkey and I need the results to her cervical smear STAT.
Do you have to go to school for that? Or do you just, like read a phamphlet or something?
And more importantly, do minions get Kool-Aide?
I wonder if she would let me have a credit line............
....and if she has any kool-aide...????
Thats exactly why they wont let *me* in the cult of zombies!
Not fair! I mean, just think....what the holidays at my in laws would be like if I could go as a zombie!! *sigh*
Its eliteism...thats what it is. Just because I have a crappy paying job I cant get in and be turned into a zombie.
Plus....they have kool-aide!!!!!I'll bet its strawberry too!
You know, sometimes I just cant get a break.
Okeeey, you know, I dont really like to call devil numbers with caller id & all. If you think its a devil cult I suggest we call in an expert....my dear, dear friend and spiritual advisor, Mdm. Lola, the Voo-Doo Queen.
.......*riiiiing!*....."come on, come on".......
....................*riiiii- "pick up the phone dammit! -nnnnnng!*.......
Mdm. Lola: Hallo mon, Madame Lola speaking, ow may I elp youuu?
Me: Hi Madame Lola, its me Phoenix!
Mdm. Lola: Eye iss not giving you any more credit mon! Ennd why iss you calling youself Stacy here?
Me: Well, you see they dont know about you Mdm Lola. Only my friends in the Pit know about you and over there I'm known as Phoenix so-
Mdm. Lola: I doan care whachoo are called mon, you still owe me 40.95 for dose snaake skeens and dat hex I put on-
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mdm. Lola, you know I'm good for it. Anyway, I have a favor to ask you.
Mdm. Lola:-ann den dere is da bill for your broters wedding....you had me bless it after your seeter, she preform ceremony-
Me: I wanted it to official in the spirit world!
Mdm. Lola: Yeah,...well de spirits dey waan 30.00 for dat one or dey will shower dere hatred down on hiis house mon!
Me: Awww, come on Mdm. Lola, you know I'm good for it.
Mdm. Lola: You pey now or no favors.
Me: Okay, tell you what I'll send you a check for the snakeskins and take my chances with the spirits raining their vengence down on his house.
Mdm. Lola: Okeey, but its not pretty when da spirits are waiting for peyment mon. Dey still have your address-
Me: Yeah, its J Miller, Webb Ave. N. Las Vegas?
Mdm. Lola: Dats da one!
Me: Well, like I said, I'll take my chances. Now lets get down to business....theres a number we want you to call to see if its a devil worshiping emporium.
Mdm. Lola: Ang on- *whaaa mon??? wats dat? ookkey....you want oonion riings with dat?*-
Me: Are you......are you operating a drive up window Mdm. Lola?
Mdm. Lola: *Okkkey, you pull up to window for your total mon....doan geet smaart wit me young mon....I gots a yak's nipple here and I'm nots afraid to use eet! Your scrotum shrivel up like a daisy in da desert mon!*......Whats dot? Oh yeah Phoenix, I gots to keep my ead above water you know. Dis ere....eets my new side business.
Me: Okay, nevermind, anyway, can you call this number and find out what its for? Is it some devil worshiping cult?
Mdm. Lola: Whots da number mon?
Mdm. Lola: Yeessss....dats my second cousin Javier's Santaria cult. I doan know if you can get heem on da phoone too often. He's usually passing out da kool-aide to his worshipers.
Me: KOOL-AIDE?!?! Golly! I love Kool-aide!
Mdm Lola: *sigh* not dis kind mon. He be maaking heemself some zombies. Dey normally weatlthy people and he git dem to sign over to heem before he give dem de kool-aide.
Me: I cant even try it?
Mdm Lola: No, you always broke and look like a reject from THRILLER anyway.
Me: Thriller huh? Well, at least thats somethin-
Mdm. Lola: Look, I gots to go Mon, Da health inspeector, he iss cooming today an I gots to get dis graveyard dirt out of da deep fryers before he get here.
Me: Well, good luck with that!
Mdm. Lola: I doan need luck woman,..I iss a professional *click*
Well, thats that. We can still try calling up anyway Kath. Just ask for Javier and dont tell him your bank account balance.
Oh yea, Mel, how are you? Happy Mothers day to you as well. Thanks for giving me and stacy a place to play and meet. I appreciate you for that! Well for more then just that as well.
Oh yea, Mel, how are you? Happy Mothers day to you as well. Thanks for giving me and stacy a place to play and meet. I appreciate you for that! Well for more then just that as well.
May I take this one boss? Thanks....
Okay,Melanie....you know all those weddings you are preforming???
You know the ones.....claiming to be a 'woman of God'???
Yeah. And you now wonder who sent these two over to your website. *adjusts halo* dont know...nope, dont know.
Opps, its time for my 2:30 margarita with Mother Teresa! Gotta go!
How are you by the way Miss Melanie?
Well, hokay. I geet shovel for Great Dane sheeet.
Come to tink of it, i'd better call cousin and geet wheelburro. Das one biiiig dog!
In the mean time that shit better be off my lawn, we don't use the word grass around here, by the time I am out of lock up.
Well must go get my tortia for the day. This diet is really working!
Havv you ever been introduced to her berry, berry good frien Mdm. Lola?
She scare me. Lass time Senora Stacy get off telephono wit her....Mdm. Lola, she get angry an set snakeskin of fire on her front porch! It was filled with dogshit.
Senora Stacy hang aroun with berry strang people. Si!
Also she spen better part of yesterday evening writing because her sister - she keep asking her when she goan write.
De only ting I see her write is bad checks but who know? righ? Maybe she make something of herself someday.
Gotta go pry the starbucks out of her unconscious hand and head over to Senora Katarina's. She say I get.....loss and loss of words....I no understand. Somting abou .....fooking twigs....crap off my lawn.....bullshit. I no unerstan too good. I think she wan shit on her lawn---- so I go find Great Dane an see if I make her mucho happy.
She berry, berry bess boss I eber hav! Better dan dat Senora Stacy!
She berry bess boss I eber hav! I no speak english too good yet but I tink from her yelling she berry, berry happy!
She say "Consuela, there's a shitload of twigs-leaves-and clippings on my fucking front lawn!! Get your ass over here right now or I'll wrap that hair net around your head till it pops like a pinata!!"
I no know She sooo happy she wan see me right away! An she say someting about my hair! She is bess boss in worl!!
Jess,...I juss talk to eem. He say he get Senora Katarina all grass clipping she wan!
Grass......leaf....twigs,...you wan---he got.
He say he even deeleever dem for free if you give heem da $20 you owe heem from cockfight in his garage lass month.
I tell heem, "You get eet for her for free you cheap nipple of a burro! Senora Katarina doan owe you one penny! I call PETA on jour sorry ass! Jou havv Pamela Anderson picketing in fron of jour house hitting all jour cockfighting clients in de head with dose boobies-o-justice of hers! Jou havv concussion for berry, berry long time!...
*AN* I make a telephone call to Carlito 'nutcrusher' DeLaHoya an tell heem about jour gambling ring!! I tink you be taking away some of hees bess customers!"
He say "Allrigh....allrigh, I doan havv time to argue witch jou! I go and eat da tamales jou bring da other day. Jou get over here with some more and I deliver!"
I say okay....but if he givv you hard time Senora Katarina, next time I make them with laxatives!
Senora Katarina ess been in how you say?? -touch.
De other nigh, ass I seeet watching my program: THE PASSION OF THE HOT-BLOODED BAD ACTORS -she-she-she telephone!!!
Imagine, da bess, bess boss I ever hav, she telephone me at my home!! Si, she did!!
Ennyway, she say she hass been detained at border of Mexico and Texas. I no hear too much. Lots and loss of noise on other en! Berry, berry loud!
She say she juss down in Tijuana to bet on cockfights but she stopped by policia....or what she call dem again???....or how you say????......
PIGS!! dass it! Si, she call dem pigs at border - for aving some grass in trunk of lincoln town car. Grass......or maybe it was cats....I dunno, berry berry bad connection. I no hear too good. I no why she bring grass back home. I mean my cousin Oscar-Xavier-Roberto work for landscape company ann can get her as much as she wan!!
So...she say Senorita Melanie go get her out. She need many, many pescos for...how you say??...erm....bail....jess, lots and lots of bail.
And bottle of tequlia if you can spare.
She be berry, berry tankful to jou -she say.
I say "Senora Katarina, I havv Seester Guadalupe-Maria-Anna-Francesca-
Rosita-Juanita-Chicita still on knee for jou! She hooked up to IV now but da towels we havv under her knees are holding her up mucho grande! Also propping her up with broomstick!! She say she go for Seraphim status among angels now! She havv nothing by mouth for weeks but communion wafers& her own spit!....an even though she passs out ebery now & den, ---she keep righ on wit de rosary for jou!"
Senora Katarina, on other en of phone she say,..."Yeah,yeah, yeah, whatever Consuela- those carpets better be clean pronto and tell Senora Melanie havv a pack of Newports waiting for me too --an make it snappy! there'll be an extra $1.50 in your pay envelope if ya can get her here before noon!"
She bess boss I ever, ever hav!
Well thats what I *heard*.
Oh hell, you guys know to go back and read from the bottom up. Screw it, I'm gonna go get a frappicino!
Son of bitch Senor Chorizo fire me when he see how much he pay me. He say I doan need dat much for hair nets. I tell him Chicka de Mardre.... and those babies look alot like my cousin Jesus-Xavier who cleans da pool for dem and leav!
When I get my green card I come up to Chee ca go to work for Senora Katarina...who ess aving surgery tomorow. She say its something about hernia...but only hernia I know is Hernia-Riccardo-Umberto Gonzalez who liv in my village and ran the local toquitos emporium and green card service. He living in North Texas now working for landscaper making big big dollar. I hear he's getting at least $6.00.
Probably stuck up now.
What were we talking about?
I've had Seester Guadalupe-Maria-Anna-Francesca-
Rosita-Juanita-Chicita saying decades of the rosary for you for 8 days straight now. She seems to be getting a little tired but she's determined to stay on her knees with those beads in her hand until you are better.......or she passes out from dehydration. We're not sure which will come first.....hang on..................
**what dat Seester????**...........*really?*...Aye..
Well, I'll tell her........***
Senora Katarina, Seester sayz dat if her Maker decieds to breeng her hom to Glory during the Pope's visit there is a chance for her to become a Saint....worst case scenario a holy Roman Martyr...so hey, dere's an upside to everything....and that she'll keep at it for as long as it takes.
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like shit.'
((There's a reason she's on parole....shhhhhh!))
Doesn't the hostess know I need to know if she washed her counters down? How is one suppose to sleep at night I ask??
Dont say I didnt warn you.
Stacy: you're starting to worry me.
2. Be careful with the refresh button.
3. You re beginning to worry me.
4. Knitting needles could technically be considered a weapon and a violation of your parole. Just an FYI.
PS the reason for all the "alters" is that way it looks like all kinds of people leave comments. I helping out where I can.
Or may I take the cats view and ask why you put him there? JJ should I be calling PETA let me know asap! I can have them there in no time to investigate the situation.....
My God, you found an alternate reality where you're a lady? Did Al Gore win the election there?
Perhaps you could take a class about computers or something like that. You know, its really a growing field and- .... LOOK OUT SHE'S GOT A RAKE!!!
I hear they have a cream for that now.
A little roughage might help too.
This is the part of the show that I could make gratuitous bathroom jokes but I'm a lady.
Jeez. Can't you people take up crocheting or something?
I'm hearin an echo.....
Wait what is this someone wants to talk to me here at work about work.............
damn the bad luck!
Wait what is this someone wants to talk to me here at work about work.............
damn the bad luck!
Patron/Kathy needs to stay out of the bar. She's still on parole you know.
Her life and crimes is such a sad story really. You see, Kathy has *sniffle*...........has sent her oldest daughter, Sarah, out into the world...all alone.
And she was only 8 years old.
Sarah reached the age of 8 and would not clean her room. Kath showed her and told her to clean her room repeatedly, but all Sarah would do is open up another bag of Funyions and change the channel because 'Hannah Montanna'was on.
Kathy begged, pleaded, threatened and cojoled for months to no avail-- until one day, after much soul searching, Kathy had no choice but to turn the little urchin out with nothing but the clothes on her ungrateful little back and a Hello Kitty backpack stuffed with fresh drawers, granola bars and a special edition 'Homeless Shelter Barbie'complete with shopping cart and mens shoes.
The Child abandonment charges were dropped due to a plea bargain & she pled down to criminal negligence of a Barbie so she's only on parole for a few more weeks.
If you do not believe this tale of woe, please feel free to call Kathy's second daughter, Nina. She will be happy to confirm this story for you (and already has to the DCFS authorities. They told her "You'd better keep your room clean kid! The only foster home slots we have left are in Kathy Lee Giffords sweatshops in North Korea making slippers for her collections at K Mart.")
AND SEAMUS! Stop trying to have relations with that stuffed moose! I see you, my lad, and I won't be having it in my establishment!
Again may I have a seat by the window I am told that when the light hits my hair correctly it looks green.
Now lift up your shots and cheer the Irish! Because lady these eyes want to smile!
By the way, you might want to ramp up the medication. Just a thought. :-)
See how ferklempt I am? I cant even TYPE through my tears!!!
My eyeliner is running......
My name is J.J. and I am a flagrantly flaming homosexual cat.
**crowd responds "Hello J.J." -but really all you hear are meows**
*sniffles* I have tried and tried to let my owner, Miss Melly Mommy that Jordan and I are having a torrid tomcat affair but when I jump up on her lap and try to tell her all she ever does is whip out another can of 'TENDER VITTLES'and puts it in my bowl!!!!
I just dont know what to DO anymore!!! *sobs*
I'm going to go hork up a hairball in her show and wait to see if she comes to her senses.
Does somebody have a tissue?????
Or do you mean hostess like in....say, the twinkies? I dont like twinkies. That sponge cake should only be used for urinals if you ask me.
I dont think I've known Kath for years......I met her at the parole officers & asked her to join our little website! Isnt she great? Her parole should be up soon. Vandalism and illegal transport across state lines is only a little deal nowadays.
See!! That PROVES she was with me! (I put a chinese face on her thumb. It was very artistic and well-realised too.)
I am her sister, I have the birth certif to prove it!!.............................................................................................................................................................okay,.... sooooo this is a recipt from Target,....but I DO have a birth certif somewhere around here that PROVES I am Melanie's sister!!!
Just an FYI
I am a spokesperson for OPI nail polish, hitchhikers annonymous, and The Great Apes Opposibal Thumbs Association of Greater North America!
My purpose in posting is to bring awareness to my career and possible speaking engagements at Melanies book signings!
If interested, please contact me at email@example.com
If interested in selling this email address for spamming purposes, please get in line and the highest bidder will be contacted.
Have a good day and a pleasant tomorow!
You see, *sniffle* I've spent my life in Melanies shadow. I've tried to get her attention, I've sent letters, emails, phone calls. Hell, even at one point I camped outside her townhome hoping to catch a briefest glimpse of her when she was leaving the garage in her car.
(SIDE NOTE: The Dr. says the tire tracks are *almost* healed and the skin grafts have taken to the area like Ike Turner to a crackpipe!)
Anyway, I have done all I could to show Melanie that I am her number one fan. So I appeal to you, other....what?....three...or so fans that she has to let her know how much I, her Sister Stacy, cares deeply and sincerely for her.
ITS TIME FOR A SLIDE SHOW!!
Yes, I have many wonderful pictures of the Artist formerly known as my big sister growing up and nothing gives me satisfaction like going down memory lane with all of you! So, sit back, realx and crack open that bottle of wine you've been waiting for a special occasion to open! (I personally reccomend Boones Farm Apple, but to each their own).
Here, it is, the Miller Family Slide Show and Festival of Joy!
This is the first picture of Melanie and I. Mel and I are in matching jumpers but mine is red and Mels is blue. Before the shoot Melanie leaned over and whispered in my ear that the photographer was *really* going to shoot me!
What a prankster!
We are shot from the breastbone up so you cannot see the spreading puddle of urine underneath me.
Can everyone see the pictures? *adjusts focus* If you have any trouble seeing them just let me know ok?
Alrighty, moving on. This one is taken from our backyard on Ave. O in Chicago. We are all grouped together on a picnic table that one of my parents dragged over to the pool so we could jump off it. Notice how sweaty, red in the face and lethargic I am? Thats because it was a 98 degree day in July and Melanie told me that the swimming pool contained an acid that would boil the flesh off my bones if I jumped in.
She then went on to tell me that that morning she put on a special lotion that neurtalized the acid and could swim all day!
This is me in the hospital with heat stroke.
This is Melanie holding the IV for the Dr.
This is our room after I came home from the hospital with heat stroke. Gotta love the "GET WELL STACY" banner Mel made for me. She just loves me doesnt she?
This is Melanie explaining to Mom that the best thing for recovering heat stroke victims is an lemon water enema.
This one-.......I dont even want to talk about that one.
This is me learing how to hold on to the walls. Literally. I mean the hallways were so small that I could reach my arms out and hold myself up. I would then put my feet out and slowly climb the hallway to the ceiling. Cool huh?
I then learned that if I slowly climbed to the cieling, I could slowly turn myself horizontal, placing my back flat against the ceiling. I felt like friggin Spiderwoman!
This is me falling on Melanie in a darkened hallway as she was walking to our room for bed. It was a complete accident, I swear!
This is the bruise on my arm from Melanie punching me repeatedly like Bobby Brown puttin Whitney in her place!!
Now this is one of my favorites. I'm about 12 and Mel is 13. Melanie was reading a book on the floor with her back up against our bunk bed.
Being a thoughtful and loving sister, I decided to pull the fuzz off my pink blanket when I was laying on the top bunk and drop it down on her head like snowflakes. She didnt even feel it!
Can everybody see these? Just checking. *adjusts focus on slide projector* Just want our audience comfortable.
Popcorn is $8.50 over in the blog section.
This is Melanie after I had pulled approximately half my blanket apart. Notice how the first two inches are in a tirara pattern over the crown of her head? Cool huh? And dont think it was easy either! She kept moving her head around and turning pages & stuff.
Have you *ever* seen a more purple bruise than this? I got this one after Mel turned a page and the entire "CROWN OF LINT" fell off her and onto her book as she got up to use the bathroom. And here, I thought pink was her favorite color. Mine is purple,.... hence the bruise.
Well, I have to go and tend to my kids now. I hope you have all enjoyed my short walk down memory lane and I hope to see you all soon!
Do not bother to thank me, I live to be of service.
You see all those folksy quilts and knitted items?
SHE BOUGHT THEM ON EBAY!!
Dont let her fool you people...she goes into these trances once in awhile and *thinks* shes knitting.
Last time it happened she was wrapping dental floss around two shish-ke-bob skewers and telling everybody that would listen that she was 'hand crafting Christmas presents for everyone'.
Next thing we knew she's up till 4:15 in the morning surfing ebay.
It sad really, but what are you going to do?
Besides, the neurotic one is probably *rolls eyes* afraid of the fuckin computer anyway. If the wind blows the curtains the moron hides under the bed & soils himself.
Not to mention how much they probably cost in cat food. I mean they're like kids....if you feed them once they expect it all the friggin time!
Then its..."Oh Mommy Melly, I dont want the regular litter box...I have to have the Garfield excrementor special!" which is probably $95.99 and made in Malasya by some starving orphan with ringworm who, incidentally, eats cats.
When he can catch them.
So, there it is. My post on your website.
Do not bother to thank me...I live to be of service.
and yes, she DID look like the vicar of dibley... AND EVIL VICAR MUHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAAHA.
richard r roach
I have been working on a story including a female character by the name of Melanie Fletcher. She has a gorgeous row with the hero setting up another mistake by him. I suppose now I will have to change the name.
"What's in a name? Does not a rose smell just as sweet by any other name?"
Of course, the speaker dies soon after.