| || |
Graffiti Board Archive
Monday, January 31, 2000, 9:04:57 PM
Exciting careers in computing!
(Sung to the tune of the "Beverly Hillbillies")
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer"
CADD that is.... CRTs..... Microstation.........
Well the first thing ya know, Jed's a Software Engineer
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here,"
They said "Dallas Texas is the place ya oughta be,"
So he drove until he felt the heat and humidity
Summer that is, no shade, even your toe nails sweat
On his first day they stuck him in a cube
Fed him a donut and sat him at a tube
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52."
Overtime that is.......Un paid......Mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad
Some schedules slipped and the boss was getting' mad
They called another meeting and decided on a fix
The answer was simple: we'll work him 66
Tired that is.... Stressed out...no social life
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away
Waiting to retire when he turned 64
Instead he got called and escorted out the door
Laid off that is..... Down sized...Unemployed
Y'all come back as a contractor now, ya hear?
Sunday, January 30, 2000, 10:38:09 AM
A guy is watching the Superbowl from the nosebleed seats, but through his binoculars he spots an empty seat on the 50-yard line way down in front. Nobody shows up for the seat through the first half, so during halftime he sneaks down. "Is it all right if I take this seat?" he asks the sad-looking gentleman sitting in the next seat. "Yeah, go right ahead," the sad man says. "This was my wife's seat. We come to the Superbowl every year, but she died." "Oh wow, that's too bad," the first guy says, "but why didn't you bring another family member or friend to the game?" "I would have," the sad man replies, "but they're all at the funeral."
Sunday, January 30, 2000, 10:25:31 AM
Statements for Buttons, Stickers and T-Shirts:
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Do I look like a frickin' people person?
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Saturday, January 29, 2000, 1:41:42 PM
Thanks, Jeffry. Feel free to post your own jokes here, too.
On with the show:
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers."
"Okay," says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
Saturday, January 29, 2000, 9:53:38 AM
I love this stuff. I stop by almost every day to see what's new.
Friday, January 28, 2000, 5:40:02 PM
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the last was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with a steaming pile of poop and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Thursday, January 27, 2000, 6:47:39 PM
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses
in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the
lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit : one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted : chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted : Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted : Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Wednesday, January 26, 2000, 8:32:51 PM
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
Because they pissed me off and also,
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the butt that I may have to
Tuesday, January 25, 2000, 7:32:18 PM
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to get on your last nerve, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Monday, January 24, 2000, 1:11:07 PM
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Sunday, January 23, 2000, 10:54:58 AM
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why,
while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!
Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and
smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share
in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a
funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my
teenage son in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a
Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from
Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My
son burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers
grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only
car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I
felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared,
so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord
Saturday, January 22, 2000, 2:07:23 PM
Subject: College Freshman
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no recollection of the Reagan Era and probably don't know he was ever shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Donkey-Kong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The CD was introduced when they were 1.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most haven't seen a TV with only 13 channels, let alone a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Tey were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?" or "de plane, de plane"
They don't care who shot J. R. and have no idea who he is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies.
Friday, January 21, 2000, 7:55:26 AM
The way the Life Cycle should work....
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I
mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What
do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live
in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too
young. You get a gold watch, you go to work. You work
forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready
for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, You become a little baby, you go back
into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
You finish off as an orgasm.
Thursday, January 20, 2000, 2:45:41 PM
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother
Wednesday, January 19, 2000, 9:33:01 PM
The old guest book was only up a couple of days when this one became available. I know you'll miss the banner ads, but I like this one better. Now, on to business . . .
Return to Graffiti Board
Return to Brain Planet home page Count=3229