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Graffiti Board Archive
Tuesday, February 29, 2000, 8:22:37 PM
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?"
"No, of couse not, dear."
"Don't you like being married?"
"Of course I do, dear."
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right, I'd remarry."
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
"Well-- yes, I suppose I would."
"I see, and would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to."
"Really. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so? And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!"
"Of course not, dear. She's left-handed."
Monday, February 28, 2000, 10:06:46 PM
The Miracle Drug
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you, grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all; nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet...and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Sunday, February 27, 2000, 7:41:09 AM
Q: What goes klip klop klip klop klip klop . . . BANG!
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
Saturday, February 26, 2000, 12:06:52 AM
Some announcements from actual church bulletins:
- Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
- Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
- Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the Pastor in his study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
- The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Friday, February 25, 2000, 5:57:54 PM
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday. According to the Associated Press, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...
Thursday, February 24, 2000, 6:28:59 PM
My purpose Is to entertain myself first and other people secondly.
--John D. MacDonald
Anything that Is written to please the author is worthless.
--Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)
(So who's right? See yesterday's entry. --BP)
Wednesday, February 23, 2000, 6:33:55 PM
Words Of Wisdom To Writers
If I had to give young writers advice, I'd say don't listen to writers talking about writing.
Tuesday, February 22, 2000, 7:53:04 PM
The Glass Eye
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
Monday, February 21, 2000, 2:18:33 PM
Which is Better: Prison or Work?
In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work, you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day.
At work, you get a break for only 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, you get your own, personal toilet.
At work, you have to share the toilet with strangers.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all your expenses are paid by the taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you have to pay all your expenses for going to work and then, they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison, you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wishing you were inside a bar.
In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have Managers.
Sunday, February 20, 2000, 1:55:20 PM
Fools Rush In
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Saturday, February 19, 2000, 6:06:18 PM
Ways To Say You're Stupid
-Not the ripest apple on the tree.
-Not the sharpest crayon in the box.
-A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
-The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
-Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
-He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
-Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
-Forgot to pay his brain bill.
-A few clowns short of a circus.
-If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
-Too much yardage between the goal posts.
-An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
-A few beers short of a six-pack.
-A few peas short of a casserole.
-Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
-One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
-One taco short of a combination plate.
-A few feathers short of a whole duck.
-Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
-An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
-As smart as bait.
-His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
-Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
-Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Saturday, February 19, 2000, 8:40:26 AM
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
Friday, February 18, 2000, 6:33:12 PM
At The Barbershop
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Thursday, February 17, 2000, 6:53:47 PM
The Dean's Lecture
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Wednesday, February 16, 2000, 7:02:05 PM
The Golfer & The Leprechaun
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how the leprechaun is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Tuesday, February 15, 2000, 7:38:01 PM
Politically Correct Women
She is not:
A BAD COOK
She does not:
She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is not a:
She is not:
She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
You do not ask her:
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She does not have:
Her breasts are:
She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She does not:
She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She does not have:
She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
Monday, February 14, 2000, 9:27:03 PM
Two blondes walk into a bar and start drinkin' and whooping it up, obviously celebrating something. A male patron at the other end of the bar watches them for an hour or so, and finally musters the courage to go over and talk to them. He walks up to them, and says "Hi girls, whatcha celebrating?" One blonde answers, "We just finished a puzzle in only 52 days!" Then the other blonde says, "Yeah, and the box said 3 to 5 years!"
Sunday, February 13, 2000, 5:11:50 PM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially a shiny, silver door that opened in the middle. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the odd door and pressed a button. The door opened and the lady rolled through into a small room on the other side. The door closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the door light up. Then the door opened again and a sexy 24 year old babe stepped out. Smiling, the father turned and said, "Quick son, go get your mother."
Saturday, February 12, 2000, 7:40:55 AM
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Friday, February 11, 2000, 9:02:54 PM
Watch Out For That Tree!
When Jane initially met Tarzan, she was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. So Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied: "Tarzan check for bees."
Thursday, February 10, 2000, 7:43:00 PM
Did I Get The Job?
Things Noted On REAL Resumes
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Tuesday, February 08, 2000, 9:48:42 PM
Aircraft Maintenance Notes
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Monday, February 07, 2000, 5:27:31 PM
The Mother Tongue
Here are some signs and notices written in English, sort of, that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
Sunday, February 06, 2000, 8:46:56 AM
The Doctor's Appointment
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
Saturday, February 05, 2000, 1:15:44 PM
The Lottery Winner
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won
She says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care . . . Just get the hell out!"
Friday, February 04, 2000, 4:53:45 PM
Kids Know Everything
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming." - Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"
- Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get
married!" - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." - Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids." - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD CHILDREN DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT STARTED TO GO SOUR
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich!" - Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that." - Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." - Howard, age 8
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" -
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody
to clean up after them!" - Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change
no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out.
I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and
diaper-changing." - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases
together." - Marlon, age 10
HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -
Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on
it." - Lori, age 8
GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a
live one." - Angie L., age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" - Kelvin,
Thursday, February 03, 2000, 6:44:51 PM
Rules for Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
Wednesday, February 02, 2000, 7:10:30 PM
On The Ice
Michael O'Whalen had a few too many drinks and decides to go ice fishing.
He gathers his gear and walks around until he finds a big patch of ice.
Heading into the center, he stops and begins to saw a hole.
All of a sudden, a loud booming voice comes from out of the sky, "You will
find no fish under that ice."
The sodden Mike looks around but sees no one and starts sawing again.
Again the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under that ice!"
Tippily, Mike looks around, high and low, left and right, but cannot see a
single soul, so he picks up his saw and prepares to once again saw. But
before he can even get the saw blade down, the hugh voice loudly interrupts
again, "This is the THIRD time I've warned you, there are no fish!"
O'Whalen, now starting to sober up, flustered , and very scared asks the
voice, "Are you God trying to warn me that there are no fish?"
"No!" the voice replied.
"Who are you then?" asked the now completely sober Mike.
"I'm the manager of this hockey rink."
Tuesday, February 01, 2000, 2:58:11 PM
New words you should know.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum
one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on
the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides
to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here"
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal'
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses
its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six
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