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Graffiti Board Archive
Friday, March 31, 2000, 8:11:19 PM
More Holy Crap
Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. The church pastor offered Bill $500 to paint the church, and Bill took him up on it. He bought some paint and got to work. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so he added some thinner to it. The paint still covered but not as well as it did at first. He still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added more thinner to the paint until finally the paint was too thin to cover well, but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."
Thursday, March 30, 2000, 7:53:14 PM
A Catholic priest heard confessions one Saturday, and the line of people coming to see him was so long that he didn't even have time to go to the bathroom. So, after giving of hope of getting a break, he called over the Church janitor to the booth.
"Hey, buddy! Come over here and sit in the booth for a few minutes and hear confessions for me while I go to the bathroom," the priest said.
"But Father," the janitor protested, "I can't do that. I'm not a Man of the Cloth like you!"
The priest replied, "There's nothing to it. Look up on the wall here. There's a little chart I posted that's got all the sins listed here on the left column and their corresponding penances on the right hand side. When the person tells you their sin, you just read down here on the left till you find it and then look across to the right and tell them what they have to do for penance, okay?"
So the janitor agreed. A minute later, a young woman entered the booth, sat down, and began, "Bless me Father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession."
"Go ahead my child, tell me your sins," the janitor said.
"Well, last night I performed fellatio on my boyfriend."
The janitor looked up at the list and searched for "fellatio" in the sin column, but he couldn't find it, so he said, "I'm sorry, my child, but could you be a little more specific."
"Well, I mean, I performed oral sex on my boyfriend last night."
The janitor nervously searched the sin column for "oral sex," but he couldn't find that either, so he said again, "I'm terribly sorry, my child, but could you be a little more specific."
"Last night I gave my boyfriend a blow job, okay?" she exclaimed angrily.
Frantically the janitor searched the sin column for the phrase "blow job," but again he could find nothing. Now he was panicked. He opened the door a crack and saw an altar boy standing nearby. Quickly he summoned the boy over and asked him in a nervous voice, "Hey kid, what does Father give for a blow job?"
And the altar boy replied "Two candy bars and a Coke."
Wednesday, March 29, 2000, 7:01:25 PM
Polly Want A . . .
A lady approached her priest and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest said. "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots held rosary beads and prayed in their cage. The lady put her two female parrots in with the males and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other and said, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Tuesday, March 28, 2000, 7:15:05 PM
This Is True - It Happened To My Cousin's Friend
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms-if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Monday, March 27, 2000, 6:42:09 PM
The Writing Biz
The profession of book-writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business. --John Steinbeck
Sunday, March 26, 2000, 7:26:03 AM
How To Know You're Getting Older
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is, "25 Years ago Today."
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
Saturday, March 25, 2000, 6:50:36 AM
Friday, March 24, 2000, 8:05:22 PM
In The Movies
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
When you turn off the lights at night, everything turns blue.
Immediately before something scary happens, the music will increase in volume and tempo.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beasts, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Madison Square Garden.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Thursday, March 23, 2000, 6:28:04 PM
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy. "It wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
Wednesday, March 22, 2000, 6:41:27 PM
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000, 8:03:05 PM
Blonde Jokes (with apologies in advance)
Q. How do you keep a blonde occupied all day?
A. Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse and repeat."
Q. What do you call a blonde with a high I.Q.?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her blinker was on.
Q. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a Volkswagen?
Q. Did you hear about the blonde who broke her leg while raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree.
Q. Why don't blondes make ice cubes?
A. They keep forgetting the recipe.
Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday?
A. Tell her a joke on Monday.
Q. Why does it take blondes so long to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. They have to first peel all the M & M's.
Q. Why did they fire the blonde from the M & M's factory?
A. Because she kept throwing out all the W's.
Q. Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
A. Because it said "concentrate."
Q. Why couldn't the blonde make Kool-Aid?
A. She couldn't fit two quarts of water in the little packet.
Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one - she holds the bulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
There were 3 blondes who found a genie. He granted each of them a wish. The first wished she was 50% smarter - poof, she's a BRUNETTE, the second wished she was 25% smarter - poof, she's a REDHEAD, the third wished she was 50% dumber - poof, she's a BLONDE MAN.
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came upon some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said: "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Monday, March 20, 2000, 9:23:34 PM
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Sunday, March 19, 2000, 5:17:14 PM
One-liners, Part 10
Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
Saturday, March 18, 2000, 10:13:31 PM
One-liners, Part 9
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Why is it called a hamburger, when it's made out of beef?
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead, to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels-aren't we clean when we use them?
Friday, March 17, 2000, 7:52:35 AM
One-liners, Part 8
I have a map of the United States, life size. One mile equals one mile. It's a pain to fold it.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Australia. She said, "Knock it off!"
How much deeper would the ocean be if there were no sponges in it?
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?' So I said, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
Thursday, March 16, 2000, 1:30:15 PM
One-liners, Part 7
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I lost a button hole.
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Wednesday, March 15, 2000, 4:20:50 AM
One-liners, Part 6
I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Tuesday, March 14, 2000, 6:11:30 PM
One-liners, Part 5
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles". I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
Monday, March 13, 2000, 6:43:20 PM
One-liners, Part 4
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . oohh, that's much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Sunday, March 12, 2000, 12:32:22 PM
One-liners, Part 3
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to a restaurant that serves "Breakfast any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Saturday, March 11, 2000, 9:24:14 AM
One-liners, Part 2
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
Friday, March 10, 2000, 5:43:37 PM
One-liners, Part 1
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Why are people who "need no introduction" always introduced?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If you had 20 odds and ends on a table and all but one fell off, what's left, an odd or an end?
What is the speed of dark?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Thursday, March 09, 2000, 5:44:58 PM
Microsoft -- Two Punchlines
Q: How may Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
1: None. It's a hardware problem.
2: None. Bill Gates declares that "dark" is the new universal standard and you'll just have to get used to it.
Wednesday, March 08, 2000, 2:56:36 PM
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress; I'm a carrier.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cause, like, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience
Tuesday, March 07, 2000, 10:36:21 AM
They're All The Same
The pilot was Jewish, and the new co-pilot was Taiwan Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.
After 30 minutes, the pilot finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."
The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"
The pilot said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo . . . Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the pilot answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese . . . it doesn't matter. They're all the same."
Another 30 minutes of silence.
Finally the co-pilot said, "No like Jew."
The pilot replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic." Said the co-pilot
The pilot tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same!"
Monday, March 06, 2000, 7:45:13 PM
Help Is Only A Phonecall Away
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional please be aware that the thing you are holding to your ear is alive and about to bite you.
If you are having memory problems and would like to hear this message again, press 38792485766718237465784392109234856.
Sunday, March 05, 2000, 10:41:16 AM
MOURNER - The same as a 'Nooner', but sooner
CASTRATION - A eunuch experience
BIGOTRY - an Italian redwood
SPECIMEN - an Italian Astronaut
WEINER - the first one across the finish line in a Mexican horse race
MINIMUM - a tiny Irish mother
HYMEN - a greeting to male companions
LOGARITHM - a Catholic birth control chart
PARLAY - one that's only average
COBRA - an article of clothing worn by siamese twins
CHERRY COBBLER - a virgin shoe maker
RESISTOR - a girl who won't
TRANSISTER - a woman who used to be your brother
VAN DYKE - a truck driving lesbian
SCABBARD - a non-union poet
DEBATE - de stuff what catches de fish
CHERRY TART - an oxymoron
URINATION - what they told Israel in 1948
ZEBRA - what Dolly Parton probably wears
BARSTOOL - what Daniel Boone stepped in
ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE - "NO!"
CONDOMINIUM - a prophylactic for midgets
INNUENDO - An Italian suppository.
STOIC - da boid what brings da babies
INTENSE - Where Arabs sleep
WOMBAT - An australian dildo
BIGAMIST - A large fog over Italy
ETHERNET - something used to catch ether bunnies
MINE SHAFT - What Arnold Schwarzenegger calls his penis
JAMAICA - what your roomate asks when you get back from a date
BUCCANEER - an outrageous price for corn!
Saturday, March 04, 2000, 10:24:50 AM
RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so many result in being denied the right to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have or are currently playing to the course owner. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quick pace, at least temporarily, at course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be sole judge of who is the best player.
** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by Course Owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Friday, March 03, 2000, 2:01:15 PM
Big companies don't do business via chain letters. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. Procter and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that "We checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true.
There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, see http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
If the latest NASA rocket disasters DID contain plutonium that was blown into particulate matter over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?
There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it with an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses. Try: http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/Index.htp And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email, you have to download.... a FILE!
There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights.
If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months.
Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.
The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do.
If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't," then something bad will happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley.
Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, and PBS and NEA funding are still vulnerable to attack (although not at the present time) but forwarding an e-mail won't help either cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about.
(P.S.: There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long distance companies to charge you for using the Internet.)
Bottom Line... composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public restroom. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven false... ASSUME it's false, unless there is proof that it's true. Now forward this to everyone you know or the program I just put on your hard drive while you read this E-mail will open up your CD-ROM and reach out and slap you upside the head.
Thursday, March 02, 2000, 8:01:17 PM
Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in IT from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Wednesday, March 01, 2000, 9:28:54 PM
Letter To God
One day a little boy asked his mom if God can really do anything. "Sure He can, you just have to ask." So the little boy wrote a letter to God:
Can you please give me a hundred dollars?
He stuffed it in an enveloped and addressed it to GOD, USA.
When the Post Office got it, they decided it was meant for President Clinton.
Bill Clinton opened up the letter and was charmed by it. He asked the Treasury secretary to send the little boy 5 dollars because he thought that would seem like a lot of money to a little boy.
When Billy got the money back, he decided to write another to God:
Thank you for sending me the money I asked you for, I see you had to send the money to Washington first, and as usual, those bastards deducted 95 dollars!
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