Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
April 2000

Sunday, April 30, 2000, 3:10:45 PM
The Stakeout
    A policeman is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.

    At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

    When the drunk finally gets his car moving, the policemen immediately pulls him over and gives him a Breathalyzer test.

    The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

    The policeman says, "How is this possible?"

    The guy says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Saturday, April 29, 2000, 8:40:37 AM
Things You Shouldn't Say To A Cop
    Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

    Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

    Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

    Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?

    You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

    Bad Cop! No Donut!

    I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

    You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

    Lets do it different this time...I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

    Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

    Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

    I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

    So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

    Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

    Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

    So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

    Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

    When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.

    Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Friday, April 28, 2000, 4:49:20 PM
More New High-Tech Lingo
    To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

    Link Rot:
    The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

    Chip Jewelry:
    A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

    Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

    A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

    CGI Joe:
    A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

    Dorito Syndrome:
    Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

    Under Mouse Arrest:
    Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

    Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

    Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

    Dead Tree Edition:
    The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

    Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

    Graybar Land:
    The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

    Open-Collar Workers:
    People who work at home or telecommute.

    Brain Fart:
    A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

    Cobweb Site:
    A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

    It's a Feature:
    From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

    Keyboard Plaque:
    The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

    Career-Limiting Move (CLM):
    Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

    Elvis Year:
    The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

    Alpha Geek:
    The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

    The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

    Blowing Your Buffer:
    Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Darn, I just blew my buffer!"

    Gray Matter:
    Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

    To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

    The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beeper or cell phones go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Thursday, April 27, 2000, 9:38:49 AM
Bumper Stickers
    Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.

    I'm not a brat. Am not, am not, am not!

    I love animals, they taste great!

    Earth First! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

    Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

    I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

    Assassins do it from behind.

    Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    I don't suffer insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

    Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

    Few women admit their age. Men act theirs.

    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

    All generalizations are false, including this one.

    "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

    IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

    We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

    Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

    Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Wednesday, April 26, 2000, 7:20:54 PM
New Lingo From Silicon Valley
    "percussive maintenance" -- The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

    "Perot" -- To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

    "prairie dogging" -- In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look.

    "ribs 'n' dick" -- A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades."

    "salmon day" -- Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.

    "siliwood" -- The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers. Also "hollywired"

    "SITCOM" -- What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

    "square headed girlfriend" (or boyfriend) -- Computer.

    "squirt the bird" -- To transmit a signal up to a satellite.

    "starter marriage" -- A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

    "stress puppy" -- A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

    "swiped out" -- An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because themagnetic strip is worn away after extensive use.

    "tourists" -- People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

    "treeware" -- Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

    "uninstalled" -- Euphemism for being fired.

    "world wide wait" -- WWW.

    "Xerox subsidy" -- Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a work place.

    "yuppie food coupons" -- Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

Tuesday, April 25, 2000, 6:58:23 PM
Stroke! Stroke!
    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are competing to swim the breaststroke across the English Channel. The brunette finishes first, with the redhead second. About 10 hours later, the blonde stumbles ashore, exhausted. She's quickly bundled up in some blankets and given a hot drink. The organizers asked her why she finished so far behind the others. She replied, "Well, I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms".

Monday, April 24, 2000, 6:56:43 PM
Real Laws
    On Sunday, you are not allowed to auction off a turtle in Kansas City, Missouri.

    In Lehigh, Nebraska, it is against the law to sell donut holes.

    No women can play Santa Claus in Minnesota.

    It's against the law in Pennsylvania to go tadpole hunting on Sunday.

    In Los Altos Hills, California, two or more joggers running together need a permit from the police.

    Pet goldfish that make a disturbance are not allowed to ride buses in Seattle, Washington.

    The US Government makes it a crime to give false weather reports.

    In Maine, dentists cannot advertise that they sell false teeth.

    In Oklahoma, you may not take a bite of anotherperson's hamburger.

    In New York, jury members on duty may not knit.

    In Richmond, Virginia restaurants, you may not flip a coin to see who pays for coffee.

    You may not use an elephant to plow a cotton field in North Carolina.

    Pickles in Connecticut must bounce.

    You may not carry an ice cream cone in your pocket in Lexington, Kentucky.

    Arlington, Virginia forbids dogs that growl.

    No bull fighting, says the law in Kentucky.

    The law in New Jersey says if you are eating in a restaurant, you may not slurp soup.

    Chicago outlaws juggling.

    You must not make cabbage soup on Sunday in Ocean City, New Jersey, unless you cut the cabbage the day before.

    You cannot keep snowballs in the refrigerator in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

    In Maryland, a woman may not go into her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.

    Fire Island, New York bans the munching of chocolate-chip cookies on the beach.

    In Utah, kids are not permitted to hitch their bicycles to airplanes.

    In California, you may not enter a restaurant on horseback.

    On Sundays in Columbus, Ohio, you are not allowed to buy cornflakes.

    In Topeka, Kansas, you may not serve wine in a teacup.

    Norfolk, Virginia makes it a crime to keep a messy house.

    A law in Massachusetts forbids putting tomatoes in clam chowder.

    At outdoor concerts in Green, New York, you may not walk backwards on the sidewalk while munching peanuts.

    And it's a fact. In Brooklyn NY, donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs!

Sunday, April 23, 2000, 9:50:06 AM
Happy Easter
    A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

    Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

    A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it."

    The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the body. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

    The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

    The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hare Spray -- Restores Life to Dead Hare -- Adds Permanent Wave."

Saturday, April 22, 2000, 5:50:35 PM
Q & A
    Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
    A: He's all right now.

    Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
    A: They take the psycho path.

    Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
    A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

    Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
    A: Polaroids.

    Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
    A: Cell phones.

    Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
    A: A stick.

    Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
    A: Nacho Cheese.

    Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
    A: Quatro sinko.

    Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
    A: Spoiled milk.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    A: Frostbite.

    Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
    A: A pool table.

    Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
    A: Sanka.
    Q: What kind of lettuce?
    A: Iceberg.

    Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A: A nervous wreck.

    Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?
    A: Right where you left him.

Friday, April 21, 2000, 5:17:59 PM
The Penguin And The Mechanic
    So this penguin is driving across Arizona in the summer when he notices that his car seems to have an oil leak. Being cautious, he pulls over in the next small town and goes to a garage. The mechanic says he isn't busy that day and can probably figure out the trouble in an hour or so.

    "Meanwhile," he says, "since you're a penguin and all, maybe you'd like to go somewhere a little cooler than out here in the sun?"

    "You bet," the penguin replied.

    "Well, at Flossie's ice cream parlor they always have the a/c cranked way up. Why don't you go get a snack there, and come back in about an hour? Just up the street that way."

    So the penguin waddles up the street to Flossie's, which is indeed pleasantly cold inside, and orders an extra large dish of vanilla ice cream, of which he is very fond. Unfortunately he realizes that he forgot to bring his special silverware which has flipper adapters, and so he's forced to eat the ice cream by just putting his beak down into it. This is a very messy process and he gets quite a bit on his face and chest, and he can't seem to get it all off trying to wash up in the rest room. With a shrug, figuring he can clean up at the hotel that night, he waddles back down the street to see about his car.

    The mechanic greets him at the door and says, "Looks like you just blew a seal."

    "No, it's just vanilla ice cream," the penguin replies.

Thursday, April 20, 2000, 7:26:28 PM
Tech Support For Etch-A-Sketch
    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
    A: Stop shaking it.

Wednesday, April 19, 2000, 7:51:28 PM
Math Lesson
    Knowledge is Power.
    Time is Money.

    And, as every engineer knows:
    Power = Work / Time

    Substituting, Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get:
    Knowledge = Work / Money

    Solving for Money, we get:
    Money = Work / Knowledge

    Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero.
    The less you know, the more you make!

Tuesday, April 18, 2000, 7:14:26 PM
    Tax his cow, tax his goat,
    Tax his pants, tax his coat,
    Tax his crops, tax his work,
    Tax his tie, tax his shirt,
    Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
    Teach him taxes are no joke.

    Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
    Teach him taxes are a rule,
    Tax his oil, tax his gas,
    Tax his notes, tax his cash,
    Tax him good and let him know,
    After taxes he has no dough.

    If he hollers tax him more,
    Tax him 'til he's good and sore,
    Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
    Tax the sod, in which he lays,
    Put these words upon his tomb.
    "Taxes drove me to my doom."

    After he's gone he can't relax,
    They'll be after Inheritance Tax!

Monday, April 17, 2000, 9:00:04 PM
From Actual Medical Records
    By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

    Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

    On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

    She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

    I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

    Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

    I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

    The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

    Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    The patient refused an autopsy.

    The patient has no past history of suicides.

    The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

    Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

    Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

    The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

    The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

    The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Sunday, April 16, 2000, 7:38:59 AM
Parents' Directory Of Useful Phrases
    DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
    FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
    FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
    GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
    HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
    INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
    OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
    PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
    SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
    STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
    TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
    TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
    VERBAL: able to whine in words.
    WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Saturday, April 15, 2000, 10:20:29 AM
The Blind Pilots
    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start powering up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

    Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

Friday, April 14, 2000, 5:45:43 PM
An Engineer In Hell
    An engineer dies and goes to heaven, but St-Peter denies him entry and sends him away. So he knocks on the gates of hell, and they let him in. After a few days, he starts to think that hell is not a very comfortable place to live, and he decides to make some improvements. After a few weeks, they have flush toilets, escalators, and even satellite TV. Of course, the engineer becomes a very popular guy.

    Some time later, God calls Satan up to find out how things are going. "Great!" Satan says. "Ever since that engineer arrived, we've been improving the place. We have flush toilets, escalators, and even satellite TV"!

    "What?" God replies. "You have an engineer? It's a mistake; he should be up here. Send him back right now".

    "No way," says Satan. "We're keeping him"!

    "If you don't send him up," says God, "I'll sue you"!

    "Oh yeah?" say Satan. "And where do you think you'll find a lawyer?"

Thursday, April 13, 2000, 4:45:46 PM
Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
    * What do you mean today's our anniversary?
    * Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
    * Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
    * And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
    * Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
    * Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
    * Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
    * Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
    * I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
    * Hey, pull my finger!

Wednesday, April 12, 2000, 3:37:34 PM
Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
    * Here honey, you use the remote.
    * You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
    * Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
    * While I'm up, can I get you anything?
    * Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
    * Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
    * Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
    * Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
    * Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
    * We never talk anymore.

Tuesday, April 11, 2000, 7:17:11 PM
Reply to Q
    Yo, Q.

    I've been to your site and downloaded the MP3. Not bad. Put up some dancing hamsters or whatnot and give people a reason to keep coming back. As for the screenplay . . . who knows? I don't think there's enough there in THAT story for a full 2-hour movie, but thanks. Maybe one day, when I'm doing novels, I might try to adapt something for the screen.


Tuesday, April 11, 2000, 7:10:04 PM
The Dress Code
    A guy goes into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar. The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy, "Okay, you can come in . . . but just don't start anything"!

Tuesday, April 11, 2000, 8:46:19 AM
    PS: "Touched" is a great story. Wanna turn it into a screenplay? Imagine Newman as the Granfather. Slow-paced, intelligent Sci-Fi a la Gattica.

Tuesday, April 11, 2000, 8:44:37 AM
    Great site. Now go to www.silverback.nu, which is nowhere near as interesting BUT will link you to Amazon.com where you can buy my record.

Monday, April 10, 2000, 9:18:25 PM
The Bellringer
    In a rural Wisconsin town, the local church erected a belfry and bell tower to the top of the church to add to the sevices for Sunday. Unfortunately, the job required somone to not only ring the bell at the appropriate times, but to act as a live in caretaker for the bell, keeping the belfry clear of bats, oiling the hinges, etc. To solve this problem, the pastor placed an ad for the available position. Along came a man who was very enthusiastic about the job, regardless of his handicap. You see, the man was missing both arms. The pastor wanted to hire the guy, but said,"You don't have any arms. How can you ring the bell?"

    The guy convinced the pastor to agree that if he could ring the bell, he could have the job. The guy then runs up the stairs to the belfry to set about ringing the bell. He takes a running start and slams his face into the bell. The bell makes a loug BONG to which the pastor and the rest of the town are happy to hear. In keeping with physics, however, the bell swings out, then swings back, knocking the guy off the belfry and dropping him to his death below.

    The spectators crowd around the body, with the pastor pushing his way to the center. One of the onlookers asks who the recent fatality was, to which the pastor says, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."

    But Wait, There's More!

    The next day another man came in looking for the same job. He also had no arms. The pastor asks this man why he wants the job. "Well, that was my brother who died yesterday, and now I have both his and my family to support."

    The pastor nods and lets him try ringing the bell too. However, the same fate befalls him. He plummets to his death below, and when the pastor reaches the body, someone asks who the dead man was, to which the pastor replies, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Sunday, April 09, 2000, 9:19:27 AM
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
    Good: Your wife is pregnant.
    Bad: It's triplets.
    Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

    Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
    Bad: She wants a divorce.
    Ugly: She's a lawyer.

    Good: Your son is finally maturing.
    Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
    Ugly: So are you.

    Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
    Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
    Ugly: You're in them.

    Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
    Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
    Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

    Good: Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
    Ugly: He looks better than you.

    Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
    Bad: She keeps interrupting.
    Ugly: With corrections.

    Good: Your son is dating someone new.
    Bad: It's another man.
    Ugly: He's your best friend.

    Good: Your daughter got a new job.
    Bad: As a hooker.
    Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
    Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Saturday, April 08, 2000, 9:11:43 AM
Three Old Guys
    Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

    The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

    Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."

Friday, April 07, 2000, 5:27:41 PM
Words of Wisdom
    * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
    * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
    * He who hesitates is probably right.
    * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
    * Two wrongs are only the beginning.
    * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
    * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
    * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
    * A fool and his money are soon partying.
    * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
    * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
    * Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
    * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
    * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
    * Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
    * Half the people you know are below average.
    * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    * If you can't be kind, be vague.
    * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Friday, April 07, 2000, 2:09:40 AM
Kids' Responses To Science Questions
    --Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
    --When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
    --In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
    --For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
    --Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
    --Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
    --The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    --The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
    --One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
    --The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
    --A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
    --A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.
    --The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
    --The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
    --You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
    --Someday, we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
    --A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
    --There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
    --There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around up here these days.
    --Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
    --Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
    --The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
    --I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.
    --Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
    --Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
    --It is so hot in some places that people have to live in other places.
    --Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
    --Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
    --A monsoon is a French gentleman.
    --The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
    --To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Wednesday, April 05, 2000, 7:47:52 PM
The Importance Of Proper Punctuation
    Dear Frank:
    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

    Dear Frank:
    I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Tuesday, April 04, 2000, 7:43:45 PM
Sign, Signs, Everywhere Signs
    At a Santa Fe gas station:
    "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

    In a New York restaurant:
    "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

    On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
    "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

    On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
    "38 years on the same spot."

    In a Los Angeles dance hall:
    "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

    In a Florida maternity ward:
    "No children allowed."

    In a New York drugstore:
    "We dispense with accuracy."

    In the offices of a loan company:
    "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

    In a New York medical building:
    "Mental Health Prevention Center"

    On a New York convalescent home:
    For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

    On a Maine shop:
    "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

    At a number of military bases:
    "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

    On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
    "Now available in multi-packs."

    In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
    "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

    In a funeral parlor:
    "Ask about our layaway plan."

    In a clothing store:
    "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

    In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
    "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

    On a shopping mall marquee:
    "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

    Outside a country shop:
    "We buy junk and sell antiques."

    In the window of an Oregon store:
    "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

    In a Maine restaurant:
    "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

    On a radiator repair garage:
    "Best place to take a leak."

    In the vestry of a New England church:
    "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

    In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
    "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

    On a roller coaster:
    "Watch your head."

    On the grounds of a public school:
    "No trespassing without permission."

    On a Tennessee highway:
    "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

    Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
    "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

Monday, April 03, 2000, 6:42:25 PM
Light Verse
    Ruth rode upon my motor bike
    Directly back of me.
    I hit a bump at 95
    And rode on Ruthlessly.

Sunday, April 02, 2000, 5:52:31 PM
    A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
    "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

Saturday, April 01, 2000, 3:01:14 PM
What Guys Mean
    Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

    Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

    Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

    Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

    Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

    ON MY MIND."
    Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

    Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    Translated: "Are you still talking?"

    Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned . . . but I forgot your birthday."

    Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

    Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

    "I CAN'T FIND IT."
    Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

    "I HEARD YOU."
    Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

    Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could
    be worse."

    Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

    Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

    Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

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