Graffiti Board Archive
Wednesday, May 31, 2000, 7:15:30 PM
If writers were good businessman, they'd have too much sense to be writers. -Irvin S. Cobb
Tuesday, May 30, 2000, 4:38:51 PM
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points):
Monday, May 29, 2000, 7:48:20 AM
Falling Down Drunk
An Irishman has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Sunday, May 28, 2000, 8:45:22 PM
The Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman (hmmm, old joke, huh? --BP) to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman replied, "Oh, OK. Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my boobs."
Saturday, May 27, 2000, 6:52:21 PM
On The Beach
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
Friday, May 26, 2000, 2:11:41 PM
Rules For Surviving A Horror Movie
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
4. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
8. No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely seal your fate.
9. If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
11. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
12. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
13. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Thursday, May 25, 2000, 4:47:27 PM
Getting In Tune
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get a pair of shoes worth $200. And then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while," he says. Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man..."
Wednesday, May 24, 2000, 8:02:17 PM
100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy
1.there is no #1 reason, and that's okay
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female
4.A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
5.Monday Night Football
6.Belching is cool
7.Your bathroom lines are always 80% shorter
8.You can open all your own jars
9.Old friends don't give a crap if you've lost or gained weight
10.Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
11.Screw up the laundry once, never allowed to do it again
12.Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
13.All your orgasms are real
14.Those chairs by the waiting room at lingerie shops are for you
15.Guys in hockey masks don't attack you
16.You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17.You can still get away with MAKING a Valentine's day card
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19.Your last name stays put
20.You can understand Homer Simpson
21.You never get a stupid Love Quiz in GQ
22.You can kill your own food
23.The garage is all yours
24.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25.Big Breasted Stripper days on Jerry Springer
26.We're treated like royalty when we're sick
27.You never have to clean the toilet
28.You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
29.Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves
31.If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she is still your friend
32.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack
33.The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34.None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
35.You don't have to shave below the neck
36.Scratching your ass is just fine
37.If you're 34 and single nobody notices
38.You can write your name in snow
39.Beer is a food group
40.Everything on your face stays its original color
41.Chocolate is just another snack
42.You can be president
43.Going to the gym to look at the aerobic girls is called 'working out'
44.Flowers fix everything
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings
46.You get to think about sex 90% of the day
47.You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48.Three pairs of shoes are enough
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store
50.A 'mood swing' is a place, with a swing, where you get sex.
51.Foreplay is optional
52.Falling asleep right after sex
53.Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55.Middle aged, big gut? No problem, it's expected.
56.Underwear lasts longer than most marriages
57.Car mechanics tell the truth
58.The belly button is a fantastic place to store corn chip crumbs
59.You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking: He must be mad at me
60.The world is your urinal
61.Wake up, shower, eat, brush your teeth, leave... max 15 minutes.
62.You get to jump up and slap stuff
63.Hotwax never comes near your pubic area
64.One mood, all the time
65.Your virginity is never 'taken' away. You'd gladly give it to anyone that asks.
66.Father-in-laws are sweet older men. Mother-in-laws are nasty old bitches.
67.You know at least twenty ways to open a beer bottle
68.You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
69.Same work...more pay
70.Gray hair and wrinkles add character
71.You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72.It's OK to marry a girl much younger than you if you have money
73.It's OK to cop a free feel when you cuddle.
74.With 400 million sperms per shot you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75.You never have to wear high heels.
76.Sometimes women will fight over you, and you get to watch
77.The remote is yours and yours alone
78.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
79.People never complain about men drivers
80.Drinking till you pass out is occasionally OK
81.Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers
82.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mom
83.Breast augmentation on your wife is a gift to both of you
84.You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom
85.If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed
86.Someday you'll be a dirty old man, and you're looking forward to it.
87.You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*** it!"
88.If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you might become lifelong buddies
89.Dad always let you stay out late while your sister had to be in before midnight
90.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
92.You're expected to stink if you work out
93.If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
94.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
95.If someone bothers you, you just don't talk to them and problem solved.
96.Telephone company commercials don't make you cry
97.Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them
98.Girls play Barbie. You had GI Joe
100.There is always a game on somewhere
Tuesday, May 23, 2000, 6:48:33 PM
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good-bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was$127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," the clerk replied.
Monday, May 22, 2000, 6:57:51 PM
Some Interesting Anagrams
Dormitory -- Dirty Room
Evangelist -- Evil's Agent
Desperation -- A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code -- Here Come Dots
Slot Machines -- Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity -- Is No Amity
Mother-in-law -- Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms -- Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness -- Genuine Class
Semolina -- Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries -- Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point --- I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes -- That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two -- Twelve plus one
Contradiction -- Accord not in it
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
Sunday, May 21, 2000, 7:30:58 AM
If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Saturday, May 20, 2000, 6:16:01 AM
On A Desert Isle
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!
Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig.
They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, "Um . . . would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Friday, May 19, 2000, 10:04:42 PM
Thursday, May 18, 2000, 4:21:13 PM
Blonde Finds Work
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decide to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Wednesday, May 17, 2000, 6:45:03 PM
The Differences Between You And Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
Tuesday, May 16, 2000, 9:10:46 PM
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the first U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines in Europe were designed and built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who designed and built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.
Okay, why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, when they tried to use any other spacing, the wagons were prone to breaking down on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used for centuries. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were all made to certain specifications for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military, as it were) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
But one "nagging" question still remains: Why did the design of the Roman army war chariots incorporate that specific wheelbase?
Answer: Because the chariots were designed to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
So, the next time you are handed some oddball specification and you assume that some horse's ass was responsible for coming up with it, you may be exactly right!
Monday, May 15, 2000, 9:24:34 PM
Just Hanging Out
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
Sunday, May 14, 2000, 5:11:08 PM
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.' The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'
Tech Support: 'OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: 'I don't have a P.'
Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'What do you mean?'
Tech Support: 'P on your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: 'I'd like a mouse mat, please.'
Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'
Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: 'Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?'
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: 'Hi. Is this the Internet?'
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to 'The Internet.'
Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?'
Tech Support: 'Yeah.'
Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?'
Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'
Tech Support: 'All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon.'
Customer: 'That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.'
Tech Support: 'Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --'
Customer: 'I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons.'
Tech Support: 'Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?'
Customer: 'My computer crashed!'
Tech Support: 'It crashed?'
Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'
Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'
Customer: 'No, it didn't crash -- it crashed.'
Tech Support: 'Huh?'
Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work.'
Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''
Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'
Saturday, May 13, 2000, 9:12:27 PM
Corporate Life Cycle
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits first, and most of the time, they will eventually produce SHIT for all the monkeys below. And all the time, that's what the monkeys below will get.
For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first kiss plenty of ass in order to move up. How high they climb will have to depend on how good they kiss. And always if the one on top will not kiss any ass, his ass will get KICKED!!!
During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys on the top may fall a few branches down and hit the monkeys below. The monkeys below will be fallen upon and eventually some will fall off the tree, as in retrenched. As compensation these monkeys that fell off get to keep the fruits that were shaken off the tree during the commotion. The tree becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal.
Friday, May 12, 2000, 6:02:24 PM
The Good Deed
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
Thursday, May 11, 2000, 5:31:42 PM
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Wednesday, May 10, 2000, 8:40:51 PM
The Blonde And The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, creep. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person . . . because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large . . . all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister, I'm talking to that little 'Jerk' on your knee!"
Tuesday, May 09, 2000, 8:27:09 PM
How To Look Busy At Work
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, download pornography from the Internet, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk -- Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is 'Ignore my last message. I took care of it'. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, 'Sorry, this mailbox is full' - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Monday, May 08, 2000, 7:57:12 PM
The Naughty Parrot
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music . . . anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
Sunday, May 07, 2000, 8:52:56 AM
I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
MONTANA -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
i souport publik edekasion
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' . . . till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
"Sisyphus Inc. - Rock Rolls Up the Hill, Rock Rolls Down the Hill."
Women are natural leaders - you're following one now.
Saturday, May 06, 2000, 7:23:59 PM
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A: He wouldn't ask for directions
Friday, May 05, 2000, 5:36:16 PM
Single vs Married Women
Why are single women thinner than married women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Thursday, May 04, 2000, 6:36:55 PM
The Hungry Lion
A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book and the other typing away at his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him instantly. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Wednesday, May 03, 2000, 6:29:21 PM
Freddy Frog -- an oldie but goodie.
One day Freddy Frog wanted to get a bank loan. So he walked into the bank, and sat down at the loan officer's desk. "I'd like a loan, please," said Freddie Frog to Patty Black, the loan officer.
"What do you have as collateral for the loan?" asked Patty Black.
"Well, I have this," replied Freddie Frog, taking an object out of his pocket and placing it on Patty Black's desk.
Patty picked up the object and looked at closely. "What is it?" she asked Freddie Frog.
"Why it's a knick-knack!" he replied.
Patty Black wasn't sure what to do. She was fairly new to her job as loan officer, and she didn't know if she could take a knick-knack as collateral for a loan. She decided she'd better ask the bank manager what to do.
"Excuse me for a moment," she said to Freddie Frog, "I must ask the bank manager if we can accept your knick-knack as collateral for your loan."
"I'll wait right here," said Freddie Frog.
Patty Black walked over to the bank manager's office, and sat down at his desk. "I have a customer at my desk asking for a loan," she said to the bank manager.
"Who is the customer?" the bank manager asked.
"His name is Freddie Frog," she replied.
"Well you are the loan officer," said the bank manager, "Shouldn't he come to you for a loan?"
"Yes," replied Patty Black, "but that's not the problem."
"Well, what is it?" asked the bank manager, starting to get a little annoyed. The bank manager had a short temper and was easily annoyed.
"It's the collateral he wants to use for the loan that's the problem," said Patty Black. "He wants to use this." She showed Freddie Frog's knick-knack to the bank manager.
The bank manager looked at the knick-knack and said, "It's a knick-knack, Patty
Black, give the frog a loan!"
Tuesday, May 02, 2000, 5:39:03 PM
The American ambassador visited the Romanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes. When he entered he said to the Romanian president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch disappeared."
So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.
The ambassador said, "Thank you very much. I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."
"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice."
Monday, May 01, 2000, 6:10:06 PM
Your Momma Is So Fat . . .
When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
When God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
She has more chins than Chinatown.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER peanuts.
Her nickname is "DAMN!"
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