Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
June 2000

Friday, June 30, 2000, 4:52:36 PM
    Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

    CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.

    Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

    You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

    Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Thursday, June 29, 2000, 7:53:45 PM
The Importance Of Punctuation
    Woman, without her man, is nothing.

    Woman: without her, man is nothing.

Wednesday, June 28, 2000, 6:39:04 PM
The Wild Blue Yonder
    Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    From a Southwest Airlines employee . . . "There may be 50 ways to leave your wife, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

    Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land . . . it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    From a Southwest Airlines employee . . . "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest airlines."

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

    "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    "Last one off the plane must clean it."

    From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

    Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Tuesday, June 27, 2000, 6:13:08 PM
Some Statistics
    Half the people you know are below average.

    The average person has one breast and one testicle.

    42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Monday, June 26, 2000, 6:18:45 PM
Employee Performance Reviews
    Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

    I would not allow this employee to breed.

    This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

    Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

    When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

    He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

    This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

    He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

    This employee should go far, and the sooner the better.

    Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

    A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

    He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

    He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

    He would argue with a signpost.

    He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.

    When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.

    If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

    A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.

    A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

    Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

    Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

    If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change.

    If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

    It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

    One neuron short of a synapse.

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

    The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Sunday, June 25, 2000, 7:30:54 PM
Classified Ads
    For sale -- An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

    Great dames for sale.

    Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    Pit bull for sale: owner deceased.

    Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

    Wanted -- Looking for hanging cage for my daughter. Must have exercise wheel.

    Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

    Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.

    Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and be willing to get hands dirty.

    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tractor-send photo of tractor.

    Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

    Lost: beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the name of Lucky.

    For rent: 6,room hated apartment.

    Illiterate? Write today for free help.

    The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50.

    Free-three kittens: Siamese coloring. Will do yard work. To a loving home only.

Saturday, June 24, 2000, 4:51:48 PM
More Real Headlines
    Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders

    Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

    Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    Man Shot, Stabbed; Death By Natural Causes Ruled

    Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

    Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Saved By Full Dumps

    Bills Overwhelm Chargers

    32 Ignorant Enough To Serve On North Jury

    Utah Girl Does Well In Dog Shows

    Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Pastor Aghast At First Lady Sex Position

    Padres Hit On Penguins

    Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings Of Isolation

    Ski Areas Close Due To Snow

    Child's Stool Great For Use In Garden

    Fire Officials Grilled Over Kerosene Heaters

    Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

    Stud Tires Out

    Death In The Ring: Most Boxers Are Not The Same Afterward

    FFA Proposes Name Change To FFA

    Reagan Wins On Budget, But Moore Lies Ahead

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charges

    British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply

    Man Found Dead In Cemetery

    Legislators Tax Brains To Cut Deficit

Friday, June 23, 2000, 6:42:29 PM
Actual Court Transcripts
    Q: "Do you remember what shoes you were wearing?"
    A: "You mean the day I fell down?"
    Q: "Yes."
    A: "The same shoes I'm wearing."
    Q: "What do you call those shoes? Are they flats . . . or how would you describe them?"
    A: "I'd describe them as 'these shoes.'"

    Q: "Please review this document. Do you know what a fax is?"
    A: "Yeah, I do, man. It's when you tell the truth, man, tell it like it is. That is what the facts is."

    Q: "What is the relationship?"
    A: "She's my aunt."
    Q: "Who's brother or sister to whom here?"
    A: My mother is his brother -- is her -- my mother is -- what is it? By marriage, I guess you would say. My mother is her brother -- is his brother by marriage, so she's just an aunt."

    A: "You know, I don't know, but I mean, you know -- you don't know but you know. You know what I'm saying?"
    Q: "Do I? No. Do I know? No."

    Q: "You assumed narcotics in reaching your opinions."
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "You didn't assume a Frito or a Cheeto or a banana. You assumed narcotics."
    A: "It was a narcotics raid. It wasn't a Frito raid, counselor.'

    Q: "So you remember who the doctor was who performed that?"
    A: "Yes. Very easy name to remember, Mee."
    Q: "Martin?" (The witness's name.)
    A: "No, Mee."
    Q: "You?"
    A: "That was his name."
    Q: "Me?"
    A: "Mee."
    Q: M-e?"
    A: "M-e-e. That was his name, Dr. Mee."

    Q: "Mr. ]ones, do you believe in alien forces?"
    A: "You mean other than my wife?"

    Q: "Were you acquainted with the decedent?"
    A: "Yes, sir."
    Q: "Before or after he died?"

    Q: "Did he ever kill you before?"
    A: "Pardon me?"

Thursday, June 22, 2000, 8:04:42 PM
    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

    "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

    "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

    Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

    "You mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's it!"

    He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Wednesday, June 21, 2000, 5:02:17 PM
Actual Laws
    In Kentucky, it's against the law to throw eggs at a public speaker.

    In Shawnee, Oklahoma, it's illegal for three or more dogs to "meet" on private property without the consent of the owner.

    In Hartford, Connecticut, transporting a cadaver by taxi is punishable by a $5 fine.

    In Michigan, it's illegal for a woman to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

    You can ride your bike on main streets in Forgan, Oklahoma, but it's against the law to ride it backwards.

    If you tie an elephant to a parking meter in Orlando, Florida, you have to feed the meter just as if the elephant were a car.

    California law forbids sleeping in the kitchen ... but allows cooking in the bedroom.

    It's a felony in Montana for a wife to open a telegram addressed to her husband. (It's not a crime for the husband to open telegrams addressed to his wife.)

    You can gargle in Louisiana if you want to, but it's against the law to do it in public.

    In Maryland it's against the law for grandchildren to marry their grandparents.

    It's against the law to anchor your boat to the train tracks in Jefferson City, Missouri.

    In Columbus, Montana, it's a misdemeanor to pass the Mayor on the street without tipping your hat.

    It's illegal to throw an onion in Princeton, Texas.

    Kentucky law requires that every person in the state take a bath at least once a year.

    It's against the law to pawn your wooden leg in Delaware.

Tuesday, June 20, 2000, 6:50:55 PM
Chinese Sales Technique
    In China, the New York Times reports, it is common for sales clerks to abandon their posts without notice, and to ignore -- or even insult -- customers. In 1995, as part of a national politeness campaign, the Chinese government banned 50 commonly-used phrases from retail stores. Here is a sample:

    Me busier I am, the more you bother me. How annoying!

    Who told you not to look where you're going?

    Didn't you hear me? What do YOU have ears for?

    Get out of the way, or you'll get killed.

    Are you finished talking?

    If you're not buying, what are you looking at?

    Are you buying or not? Have you made up your mind?

    Go ask the person who sold it to you.

    What are you yelling about?

    Don't you see I'm busy? What's the hurry?

    I can't solve this. Go complain to whoever you want.

    I just told you. Why are you asking again?

    Buy if you can afford it, otherwise get out of here.

    Why didn't you choose well when you bought it?

    Hurry up and pay.

    Ask someone else.

    Time is up, be quick.

    The price is posted. Can't you see it yourself?

    If you're not buying, don't ask.

    Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm eating?

    It's not my fault.

    We haven't opened yet. Wait awhile.

    I'm not in charge. Don't ask me so many questions.

    Didn't I tell you? How come you don't get it?

    Don't push me.

    If you want it, speak up; if you don't, get out of the way.

    Don't talk so much. Say it quickly.

    You're asking me? Whom should I ask?

    Don't stand in the way.

    Why don't you have the money ready?

Monday, June 19, 2000, 6:37:55 PM
    "There's no such thing as a man . . . just a little boy in a man's body." -- Elvis Presley

    "If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher

    "A man's home may seem to be a castle on the outside; inside, it's often his nursery." -- Clare Booth Luce

    "I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid." -- Dorothy Parker

    "As long as you know that most men are children, you know everything." -- Coco Chanel

    "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." -- Shirley MacLaine

    "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee

    "Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what's the point." -- Gladys Upham

    "Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women for the chance to fight with them." -- Vincent Price

Monday, June 19, 2000, 8:02:43 AM
    In England:
    Beneath this stone & not above it
    Lie the remains of Anna Lovett;
    Be pleased good reader not to shove it,
    Least she should come again above it.
    For 'twixt you & I, no one does covet
    To see again this Anna Lovett.

    In Topeka, Kansas:
    Here lies Sheriff Tim McGrew
    Who said he would arrest Bill Hennessy or die
    He was right.

    In London, England:
    Beneath this silent stone is laid
    A noisy antiquated maid
    Who from her cradle talked to death,
    And ne'er before was out of breath.

    In England:
    Beneath this grassy mound now rests
    One Edgar Oscar Earl,
    Who to another hunter looked
    Exactly like a squirrel.

    In Cleveland, Ohio:
    I thought it was a mushroom when I found it in the woods forsaken;
    But since I sleep beneath this mound, I must have been mistaken.

    In Northumberland, England:
    Here lieth Matthew Hollingshead,
    Who died from cold caught in his head.
    It brought on fever and rheumatiz,
    Which ended me -- for here I is.

    In Boston, Mass.
    Owen Moore: Gone away
    Owin' more than he could pay.

    In Tombstone, Ariz.
    Here lies John Timothy Snow,
    Who died fighting for a lady's honor.
    (She wanted to keep it)

    In Wolverhampton, England:
    Here lies the bones Of Joseph Jones
    Who ate whilst he was able
    But, once o'er fed he dropt down dead
    And fell beneath the table.
    When from the tomb to meet his doom,
    He rises amidst sinners;
    Since he must dwell in Heav'n or Hell
    Take him -- which gives best dinners.

Sunday, June 18, 2000, 8:54:39 PM
Bad Day At Work
    Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this guy...

    Tom is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister.

    April 1998

    Hi Sue,

    Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

    His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers who were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

    Love you,

Thursday, June 15, 2000, 5:02:40 AM
Actual Products From Around The World
    Strange Taste-a popular Chinese candy.

    Zit!-a German "gourmet chocolate and fruit confection."

    Pschit-a French soft drink

    Mucos, a soda sold in the Philippines.

    Ass Glue-a Chinese patent medicine that is marketed as a "blood nourishing paste."

    Koff-a Finnish beer sold briefly in the United States.

    Shitto-a spicy pepper sauce from Ghana.

    Super Piss-a Finnish solvent that unfreezes car locks.

    Little Hussy-a writing tablet for little girls, sold in Taiwan.

    Subaru Gravel Express (Japan)

    Mazda Bongo Friendee (Japan)

    Nissan Big Thumb Harmonized Truck (Japan)

    Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo (Japan)

    Mazda Scrum (Japan)

    Mitsubishi Delica Space Gear Cruising Active (Japan)

    Mazda Proceed Marvie (Japan)

    Daihatsu Town Cube

    Isuzu Giga 20 Light Dump

    Kowpis-a "popular fermented milk drink." (Japan)

    Homo Sausage-beef jerky. (Japan)

    Ease Your Bosoms-coffee marketed as an antidote to stress. (Japan)

    Pokari Sweat-a sports drink. (Japan)

    Green Piles-lawn fertilizer. (Japan)

    Hand Maid Queen Aids -- Band-Aid shaped chocolates. (Japan)

Wednesday, June 14, 2000, 5:30:12 AM
    "Never accept a drink from a urologist." -- Erma Bombeck

    "Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something much bigger and heavier." -- Anonymous

    "Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter." -- Harry Morgan

    "Never judge a man by the opinion his wife has of him." -- Bob Edwards

    "Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma." -- Bryan Miller

    "Never get caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman." -Larry Hagman

    "Never hunt rabbit with dead dog." -- Charlie Chan

    "Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television." -- Gore Vidal

    "Never put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today." -- Douglas Ottati

    "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." -- Mark Twain

    "Never put off until tomorrow what can be avoided altogether.: -- Ann Landers

    "Never keep up with the joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper." -- Quentin Crisp

    "Never take a job where the boss calls you 'Babe."' -- Brett Butler

    "Never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word." -- Dan Quayle, quoting Mark Twain

    "Never expect to steal third base while keeping one foot on second." -- American Proverb

Tuesday, June 13, 2000, 6:05:47 PM
Borrowed Time
    Gus goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The doctor says, "Gus, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live."

    Gus is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"

    The doctor says, "10."

    Gus says, "10 what? 10 weeks . . . 10 months . . . 10 years?"

    The doctor replies, "9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . ."

Monday, June 12, 2000, 6:40:47 PM
Actual Book Titles
    Why People Move, edited by Jorge Balan (1981)

    Oh Angry Sea (a-ab-ba, hu-luh-ha): the History of a Sumerian Congregational Lament, by Raphael Kutscher (1975)

    Animals as Criminals, by J. Brand (1896)

    A Pictorial Book of Tongue Coating, Anonymous (1981)

    The Dentist in Art, by Jens Jorgen Pindborg and L. Marvitz (1961)

    How to Get Fat, by Edward Smith (1865)

    A Frog's Blimp, by Shinta Cho (1981)

    The Fangs of Suet Pudding, by Adams Farr (1944)

    How to Cook Husbands, by Elizabeth Stong Worthington (1899)

    Cold Meat and How to Disguise It, by Ms. M.E. Rattray (1904)

    How to Boil Water in a Paper Bag, Anonymous (1891)

    Sex Life of the Foot and Shoe, by William Rossi (1977)

    How to Be Happy Though Married, by E. J. Hardy (1885)

    Let's Make Some Undies, by Marion Hall (1954)

    Be Bold With Bananas, by Australian Banana Growers Council

    One Hundred and Forty-one Ways of Spelling Birmingham, by William Hamper (1880)

    Children Are Wet Cement, by Ann Orlund (1981)

    Scouts in Bondage, by Geoffrey Prout (1930)

    Do Snakes Have Legs? by Bert Cunningham (1934)

    Let Me Hold It Till I Die, by H. Lovegrove (1864)

    Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals, by Clifford Whiteley Collison (1926)

    Unmentionable Cuisine, by Calvin W. Schwabe (1979)

    Nasal Maintenance: Nursing Your Nose Through Troubled Times, by William Alan Stuart (1983)

    Old Age: Its Cause and Prevention, by Sanford Bennett (1912)

Sunday, June 11, 2000, 5:59:24 PM
Palm Reading
    Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

    Said the mysterious old woman, "For $15, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

    Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

    "That's true," said Paul.

    "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

    "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

    "Love line? No, from the calluses."

Saturday, June 10, 2000, 8:24:22 AM
    A minister dies and goes to heaven. Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said, "I was a taxi cab driver in New York City." St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.

    The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice, "I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church." St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.

    "Why?" asked the bishop. "You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me?"

    St. Peter said, "Up here we work by results. While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

Friday, June 09, 2000, 7:51:28 PM
South Of The Border
    Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

    The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

    The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

    This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

    Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

    The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

Thursday, June 08, 2000, 6:52:10 PM
Ponder This
    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

    Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

    If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

    Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

    Common Sense Isn't.

    Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

    It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.

    A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Wednesday, June 07, 2000, 8:32:01 PM
True Headlines
    Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out -- The Tallahassee Bugle

    Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs -- The Anchorage Alaska Times

    Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] -- The New Haven Connecticut Register

    Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son -- The Arkansas Plainsman

    Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands -- Bangor Maine News

    Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position -- The Washington Times

    Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal -- The Bosnia Bugle

    Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow -- Newsday

    Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax -- San Antonio Rose

    Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free -- Chicago Daily News

    Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders -- The Miami Herald

    Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming -- The New Haven Connecticut Register

    Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters -- The Tallahassee Democrat

    Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! -- The Houston Chronicle

Tuesday, June 06, 2000, 9:01:32 PM
Too Much 90's!
    You try to enter your password on the microwave.

    You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

    You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

    You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

    You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

    Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

    You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

    You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

    Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

    Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

    You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

    The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

    Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

    You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

    Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

    You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

Monday, June 05, 2000, 6:09:51 PM
Bumper Stickers
    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

    I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good

    I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

    Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

    Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

    Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Sunday, June 04, 2000, 11:49:10 AM
The Typewriter
    A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

    One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter on the typewriter."

    The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

    The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

    A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

    The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Saturday, June 03, 2000, 8:33:57 AM
The Impossible Wish
    There was a man walking down a beach in California. He stumbles across a lamp, and out comes a genie. "You may have one wish", says the genie.

    The man thinks for a minute, then replies, "I have never been to Hawaii before. I'm afraid to fly, and I get seasick, so I want a bridge built to Hawaii".

    The genie replies "That's too big of a wish" Think of the Longistics of that. Think of how much concreate, how much steel. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? No, no, think of another wish", says the genie.

    The guy thinks for a minute and says "I have never really understood my wife. What do women mean when they give you the silent treatment? What do women mean when they start staring, and making gestures at you. I wish I could really understand women better."

    The genie replies, "You want that bridge 2 lanes or 4?"

Friday, June 02, 2000, 6:19:14 PM
I Can't Talk
    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?". Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?" the man asked.

    To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

    "Yes," came the answer.

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again, the small voice whispered, "No."

    Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

    "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "A heicopter," answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter!"

    Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,

    "They're looking for me!"

Thursday, June 01, 2000, 9:36:49 PM
Actual Product Instructions
    On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

    On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

    On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box)

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

    On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

    On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

    On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

    On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

    On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

    On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

    On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

    On a childs Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

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