Graffiti Board Archive
Monday, July 31, 2000, 5:22:34 PM
From The Lips Of Dan Quayle
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
Sunday, July 30, 2000, 12:59:01 PM
They Really Said It . . .
Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
-- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"If you've seen one redwood tree, you've seen them all."
-- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people that make them unsafe."
-- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
-- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
-- Andrew Mathis
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
-- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
-- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there -- sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-- Everett Dirksen
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
Saturday, July 29, 2000, 8:39:35 AM
Excerpts From Medical Records
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Friday, July 28, 2000, 7:11:16 PM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery . . ."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me . . . "
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda . . . no."
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Thursday, July 27, 2000, 4:53:38 PM
KFC and the Pope
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Wednesday, July 26, 2000, 8:45:06 PM
You've Been Out Of College Too Long When . . .
Your potted plants stay alive.
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don't get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.
Tuesday, July 25, 2000, 5:31:31 PM
The Blonde Guy
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunches."
Monday, July 24, 2000, 7:16:43 PM
Blonde On A Horse
A blonde decides to try horseback, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horses anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her good fortune . . .
. . . the Wal-Mart Manager sees her and shuts off the horse.
Sunday, July 23, 2000, 8:28:29 PM
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Saturday, July 22, 2000, 5:27:36 PM
Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: There are three kinds of accountants in the world:
A:Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Friday, July 21, 2000, 11:59:59 PM
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Keep honking . . . I'm reloading.
Thursday, July 20, 2000, 5:32:10 PM
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On a shoe makers shop, " I can save your soles and I'm willing to dye for you."
Wednesday, July 19, 2000, 8:43:58 PM
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Tuesday, July 18, 2000, 4:34:09 PM
Remember When . . .
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You' be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Monday, July 17, 2000, 7:41:38 PM
Modern Age Mottos
Home is where you hang your @
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like http://www.home.com
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice html.
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Sunday, July 16, 2000, 6:36:32 AM
Guys Just Can't Win
If you work too hard, you're not spending enough time with her.
If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Saturday, July 15, 2000, 9:03:37 AM
Politically Correct Talk About Guys
He does not have a beer gut, he has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
He is not quiet, he is a conversational minimalist.
He is not stupid, he suffers from minimal cranial development.
He does not get lost all the time, he discovers alternative destinations.
He is not balding, he is in follicle regression.
He is not a cradle robber, he prefers generational differentials relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk, he becomes accidentally horizontal.
He is not short, he is anatomically compact.
He does not have a rich daddy, he is a recipient of parental asset infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars, he has a vehicular addiction.
He does not have a hot body, he is physically combustible.
He is not unsophisticated, he is socially challenged.
He does not eat like a pig, he suffers from reverse bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer, he is overly caucasian.
He does not hog the blankets, he is thermally unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig, he has swine empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes, he has an introspective pornographic moment.
Friday, July 14, 2000, 4:31:06 PM
A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$100.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Thursday, July 13, 2000, 5:43:58 PM
Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.
Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.
Q. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So brunettes can remember them.
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"
Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation.
Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage.
Wednesday, July 12, 2000, 5:10:04 PM
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive forever before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then do you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Tuesday, July 11, 2000, 7:15:49 PM
I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my chest.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
Monday, July 10, 2000, 9:48:30 PM
After a two -year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corportate America's recreational preferences.
The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL
The sport of choice for male mainenance level employees is BOWLING
The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL
The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL
The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS
The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become...
Sunday, July 09, 2000, 7:43:42 AM
In England, it's illegal to name your pet "Queen" or "Princess" without the Queen's permission.
If you aren't a member of the royal family in Japan, it's illegal for you to own a maroon car.
In Equatorial Guinea, you can name your daughter anything you want-except Monica.
In India, women-but not men-are allowed to marry goats.
Old English law: if an object is smaller than a husband's little finger, he can beat his wife with it.
In Canada, if a debt is higher than 250, it's against the law for you to pay with pennies.
In Vancouver, British Columbia, the speed limit for tricycles is 10 miles per hour.
In Baluchistan, Pakistan, the law allows a man to "acquire" a wife by trading in his sister.
In Athens, Greece, driving on public roads while "unbathed" or poorly dressed can cost you your driver's license.
If a man is wearing a hat in Cheshire, England, the law requires him to raise it when a funeral passes.
You can keep cows in sheds in the Northern Territories of Canada, and you can keep chickens in sheds. But you can't keep cows and chickens in the same shed.
Makes sense: in London, England, it's illegal to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in the back seat.
In Australia, the pictures of convicted drunk drivers are published in newspapers with the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."
Cigarettes are legal in Nicaragua; cigarette lighters aren't.
Boxing is illegal in China (too brutal); capital punishment isn't.
Saturday, July 08, 2000, 6:23:28 PM
A Clever Anagram
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon. On to Mars!"
(Interestingly, the Armstrong quote is what he MEANT to say, not what he actually said. He really said ". . . one small step for man . . ." not ". . . one small step for a man . . ." But it's still a very cool anagram.)
Friday, July 07, 2000, 4:46:42 PM
Q: "Well, sit, judging from your answer on how you reacted to the emergency call, it sounds like you are a man of intelligence and good judgement."
A: "Thank you, and if I weren't under oath I'd return the compliment."
Q: "And you're saying because she's dead she's no longer alive; is that what you're saying?"
A: "Is there a dispute there?"
Q: "What did he say?"
A: "About that? All the way back he -- I've never been called so many names."
Q: "You're not married, I take it.
Q: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "What is the meaning of sperm being present?"
A: "It indicates intercourse."
Q: "Male sperm?"
A: "That is the only kind I know."
Q: "You said he threatened to kill you."
A: "Yes. And he threatened to sue me."
Q: "Oh, worse yet."
Q: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?"
Q: "How old are you?"
Q: "Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact."
A: "Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies have been on dead people."
Q: "Now, Mrs. Marsh, your complaint alleges that you have had problems with concentration since the accident. Does that condition continue today?"
A: "No, not really. I take a stool softener now."
Thursday, July 06, 2000, 7:00:33 PM
Signs From Around The World
"Guests are prohibited from walking around in the lobby in large groups in the nude."--Havana hotel
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- Moscow hotel
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even if a foreigner is dressed as a man." -- Seville cathedral
"Visitors two to a bed and half an hour only." -- Barcelona hospital
"All customers promptly executed." -- Tokyo barbershop
"We highly recommend the hotel tart." -- Torremolinos hotel
"I slaughter myself twice daily." -- Israel butcher shop
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining persons of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is requested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- Colon restaurant
"All vegetables in this establishment have been washed in water especially passed by the management." -- Sri Lanka restaurant
"Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors." -- Zanzibar barbershop
"Very smart! Almost pansy!" -- Budapest shop
"Swimming is forbidden in the absence of the savior." -- French swimming pool
"Dresses for street walking." -- Paris dress shop
"Go away." -- Barcelona travel agency
Wednesday, July 05, 2000, 5:25:39 AM
The Lost Hat
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou Shall Not Steal,' that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
Tuesday, July 04, 2000, 8:04:39 AM
Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
Nuts...my shaft is bent.
After 18 holes I can barely walk.
You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
Look at the size of his putter.
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it.
My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Monday, July 03, 2000, 7:47:28 PM
What Men Want Women To Know
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat. When the lid is up, put it down.
Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to find that perfect present, again.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to , expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday sports-- it's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. It can't be altered, so just let it be.
Don't ask us what we're thinking, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops, or carburators.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really!
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we don`t know what day it is. We never will. Mark all anniversaries on a caleneder.
Yes, peeing standing up is harder than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime.
Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Don`t fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, but not both.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Sunday, July 02, 2000, 2:05:37 PM
A diet is a weigh of life.
It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat . . . fast.
The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause that 'refleshes.'
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping... snacks and desert.
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two . . . alone.
People go to Weight Watchers to learn their 'lessens.'
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
Saturday, July 01, 2000, 7:07:10 PM
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door: Out Chopin.
At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
General Conference: Welcome! We're generally in conference.
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