Graffiti Board Archive
Thursday, August 31, 2000, 9:35:52 PM
High On Books
Per a British medical journal report, the fungi that feed on old paper may be mildly hallucinogenic, and the "fungal hallucinogens" may cause an "enhancement of enlightenment" in readers. The source of creative inspiration for many great authors through history may have been a quick sniff of moldy books, causing them to get high.
Wednesday, August 30, 2000, 7:18:10 PM
The early bird gets the worm . . .
But the early worm gets eaten . . .
And the second mouse gets the cheese.
Tuesday, August 29, 2000, 9:16:19 PM
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me $4,000, but it's the top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
John: Ten o'clock.
Monday, August 28, 2000, 8:30:10 PM
Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain
"Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard."
-- Daphne Du Maurier
Sunday, August 27, 2000, 9:53:19 AM
God Help Me
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, help me, I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives.
The voice booms out again, "Okay . . . NOW you're screwed."
Saturday, August 26, 2000, 9:52:27 PM
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies, part German shepherd - part dog.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
Tickle me elm, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
Cows, calves for sale, - never bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000
Star wars job of the hut -- $15
Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue 89 cents
German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
For sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
Nordic track $300 hardly used. Call Chubbie.
Bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products"
Shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Harrisburg postal employees gun club
Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.
Nice parachute: never opened - used once slightly stained.
Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
American flag 60 stars - pole included $100
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Notice: to the person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near Southridge storage: please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box springs -$175.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
Bar s sliced Bologna regular or tasty save 30 cents on 2
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee & donuts
Kellogg's pot tarts - $1.99 box
Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.
Friday, August 25, 2000, 3:14:11 PM
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled many turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
Thursday, August 24, 2000, 6:06:13 PM
"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
-Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Wednesday, August 23, 2000, 6:34:51 PM
The Clairvoyant Little Boy
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could see into the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy's parents were listening and heard him finish, "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying and his parents were listening, "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma." The next day his grandmother was hit and killed by a bus while crossing the street.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless mommy, goodbye daddy." Naturally his father panicked and he decided he needed to take extra precautions. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. However, he couldn't concentrate because he was thinking about his boy's prayer, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early being extrememely careful the entire way.
When he got home, his wife met him at the front door crying and upset. "Honey the most terrible thing happened today," she cried. "The mailman died on our doorstep!"
Tuesday, August 22, 2000, 7:24:41 PM
The Birthday Suit
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asked the daughter: "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responded: "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returned home, she stripped naked and waited for her husband. When her husband arrived, he asked her: "What are you doing naked, woman?"
She responded: "This is the dress of love."
He said to her: "Well, go iron it first."
Monday, August 21, 2000, 8:25:43 PM
Does Not Translate
"Bite the wax tadpole."
-Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-"Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
-In a Tokyo Hotel
"Please to bathe inside the tub."
-In a Japanese Hotel Room
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
-In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
-In a Leipzig Elevator
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
-In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
-In a Paris Hotel Elevator
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
-In a Hotel in Athens
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
-In a Yugoslavian Hotel
"It is not allow in the hotel room for guest participating in Illicit Arts, banging of firecrackers, gambling and wrestling". -Hotel
Jincheng (Shenyang, China)
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
-In a Japanese Hotel
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
-In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastary
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
-On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
-On the Menu of a Polish Hotel
"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."
-In a Hong Kong supermarket
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
-In a Bangkok dry cleaner's
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
-In a Rhodes tailor shop
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
-From the Soviet Weekly
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
-In an East African newspaper
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
-In a Vienna hotel
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
-In a Zurich hotel
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
-In a Rome laundry
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
-Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
"Stop: Drive Sideways."
-Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
"Special today---no ice cream."
-In a Swiss mountain inn
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
-In a Tokyo bar
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
-From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
Sunday, August 20, 2000, 8:35:22 PM
Plot to kill officer had vicious side
Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information
Iowa move back to Pittsburgh
Infertility unlikely to be passed on
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Alcohol ads promote drinking
Malls try to attract shoppers
Official: Only rain will cure drought
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Man shoots neighbor with machete
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Bible church's focus is the Bible
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
Lack of brains hinders research
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
(Los Angeles Councilwoman Laura Chick, that is)
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
Fish lurk in streams
Saturday, August 19, 2000, 5:25:38 PM
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
Friday, August 18, 2000, 7:37:59 PM
More Dumb Quotes
"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."
"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
On Y2K: "How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?"
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes."
"One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'"
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
-Batman Costume warning label
Thursday, August 17, 2000, 9:43:03 PM
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, US President
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush, US President
"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
-Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
-Richard Nixon, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
-Bill Peterson, football coach
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-Dan Quayle, US VP
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."
-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
Wednesday, August 16, 2000, 8:31:41 PM
"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
"Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen."
-- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see.
"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
-- Rich Julius
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!
PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
- cartoon in the New Yorker
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- Donald Knuth
Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
-- Rich Cook
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool.
-- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- E. W. Dijkstra
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
-- Joshua Heller
The Internet is mightier than the pen.
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all.
-- George Greenstein,
"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!"
-- Michael O'Brien
Tuesday, August 15, 2000, 7:16:29 PM
Smoking In The Rain
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. One of them takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it starts to rain so the women who is smoking takes out a condom, cuts off the end and carefully placed it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The other lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that thing?
"It's a condom," the other lady says.
"Well, where can you buy those?"
"Um . . . most people buy them at a drug store."
So the lady who was asking all the questions goes to a drug store and walks up to the counter.
"Do you sell those condom things?" the lady says to the pharmacist.
"Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused. "Do you know what size you need?"
So the lady says "Well its got to fit a Camel."
Monday, August 14, 2000, 7:36:00 PM
At The Zoo
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens.
"What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Johnny."
Sunday, August 13, 2000, 5:34:24 PM
Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
Saturday, August 12, 2000, 1:26:30 AM
The Cannibals and The Canoe
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker are shipwrecked on an island with a tribe of cannibals. All three are told by the cannibals that they will be cooked and eaten, and canoes will then be made out of their skins.
The Englishman is asked if he has any last requests. He says, "Yes, I'd like a knife." He is given a knife, which he uses to slit his throat as he shouts, "Long live the Queen!"
The Frenchman then has the opportunity to make a last request. He, too asks for a knife and slits his throat, as he cries, "Viva la France!"
The New Yorker is then asked for his last request. He responds, "I'd like a fork, please." The natives are a little confused, but comply. Suddenly the New Yorker stabs himself repeatedly with the fork, all over his body, shouting, "So there, here's you friggin' canoe!"
Friday, August 11, 2000, 7:01:42 PM
Is It Soup Yet?
Two missionaries in Africa were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there to cook.
As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!
He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"
Thursday, August 10, 2000, 8:56:38 PM
The Best Friend
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'BAD DOG!'"
Wednesday, August 09, 2000, 6:06:44 PM
Back in the 1950's Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by renting out a room in their house. After a few days, an attractive young woman looks at the room and explains that she is a model. "There's one problem," she explains. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bathtub."
"No problem" replies Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh, he goes bowling most nights, so he'll be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good," says the model, and she rents the room.
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his bowling league while Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping, the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true," says Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains open slightly and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked privates. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later, Fred returns and they go to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes." he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy bush?"
"Just to show you the difference," answers Doris. "But anyway, you've seen me with no panties thousands of times."
"Yes," says Fred, "I have . . . but the rest of the bowling team hadn't."
Tuesday, August 08, 2000, 7:38:43 PM
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.d55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Monday, August 07, 2000, 6:05:18 PM
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive infatuation with Brigitte Bardot an ignores her completely. To win back his attention, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each cheek.
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who's Bob?" the husband replies.
Sunday, August 06, 2000, 9:57:15 AM
Susan & David -- A Love Story
David is attracted to Susan. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Susan, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Susan, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And David is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Susan is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And David is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Susan is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And David is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Susan is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And David is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Susan is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And David is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . . .
"David," Susan says aloud.
"What?" says David, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . . ."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says David.
"I'm such a fool," Susan sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says David.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Susan says.
"No!" says David, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Susan says.
(There is a 15-second pause while David, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Susan, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, David, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says David.
"That way about time," says Susan.
"Oh," says David. "Yes."
(Susan turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, David," she says.
Thank you," says David.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when David gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also David's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Susan will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, David, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Susan's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Susan ever own a horse?"
Saturday, August 05, 2000, 12:39:25 AM
An author and a copy-editor are on a plane that crashes in the desert. They are the only survivors and decide to wander off to try to reach civilization. After a day without water, in the hot sun, they are close to death when the author sees what looks like an oasis. He looks closely and can see a few palm trees and a small pool of water. He is sure it must be an illusion but they run towards it anyway. When they reach the spot they see that it is indeed real.
So the author gets on his knees by the pond and starts scooping water into his mouth. After a while he looks up to see the copy-editor peeing in the pool.
"What the hell are you doing?" the author screams.
The copy-editor replies: "I'm making it better."
Friday, August 04, 2000, 11:25:17 PM
Haiku Computer Error Messages
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This 1,000 dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Thursday, August 03, 2000, 7:38:27 PM
The Jigsaw Puzzle and The Blonde
John got a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy, who said "I've got a problem."
"What's the matter?" asked John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asked John
"It's a big rooster," replied Buffy.
All right," said John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he went to Buffy's house. She thanked him for coming over and led him into her kitchen to see the puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looked at the puzzle then turned to Buffy and said, "Oh, for Pete's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."
Wednesday, August 02, 2000, 6:50:55 PM
The Bill Of No Rights
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, deluded, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone- not just you! You may leave the room, change the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness-which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish-call it the age of reason revisited.
Tuesday, August 01, 2000, 8:24:41 PM
What They're Saying Down In Texas
"It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
--Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.
"Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
--Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.
"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
--Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.
"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
"No thanks, once was enough."
--Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.
"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
--Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.
"I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
"Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
--Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
"I am filled with humidity."
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
--Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies.
"If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen."
--Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
"I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.
"This is a real competitive business."
--A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.
"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
--Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
--Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
"Let's do this in one foul sweep."
--Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
"This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
--Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
"I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
"There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information."
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