Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
September 2000


Saturday, September 30, 2000, 7:47:26 AM
Actual Catholic Patron Saints
    Saint Joseph of Cupertino: Patron Saint of Air Travelers. (Nicknamed "The Flying Friar," he could levitate.)

    Saint Matrona: Patron Saint of Dysentery Sufferers.

    Saint Louis IX of France: Patron Saint of Button Makers.

    Saint Matthew: Patron Saint of Accountants. (He was a tax collector before becoming an apostle.)

    Saint Fiacre: Patron Saint of Taxi Drivers, Hemorrhoid Sufferers, and Venereal Disease.

    Saint Adrian of Nicomedia: Patron Saint of Arms Dealers.

    Saint Nicholas of Myra (also known as Santa Claus): Patron Saint of Children and Pawnbrokers.

    Saint Anne: Patron Saint of Women in Labor. (Not to be confused with Saint John Thwing, Patron Saint of Women in Difficult Labor.)

    Saint Bernardino of Siena: Patron Saint of Advertisers and Hoarseness.

    Saint Blaise: Patron Saint of Throats (he saved a child from choking) and Diseased Cattle (he also healed animals).

    Saint Joseph: Patron Saint of Opposition to Atheistic Communism.

    Saint Sebastian: Patron Saint of Neighborhood Watch Groups.

    Saint Joseph of Arimathea: Patron Saint of Funeral Directors.

    Saint Eligius: Patron Saint of Gas Station Workers. (He miraculously cured horses, the precursors to automobiles.)

    Saint Martin de Porres: Patron Saint of Race Relations, Social Justice, and Italian Hairdressers.

    Saint Martha: Patron Saint of Dietitians.


Friday, September 29, 2000, 8:55:22 AM
Oxymorons
    Military Intelligence

    Light Heavyweight

    Jumbo Shrimp

    Painless Dentistry

    Drag Race

    Friendly Fire

    Criminal Justice

    Permanent Temporary

    Amtrack Schedule

    Genuine Imitation

    Mandatory option

    Protective Custody

    Limited Nuclear War

    Dear Occupant

    Standard Deviation

    Freezer Burn

    Pretty Ugly

    Industrial Park

    Loyal opposition

    Eternal Life

    Natural Additive

    Student Teacher

    Educational Television


Thursday, September 28, 2000, 7:11:15 AM
Helping Our Pets
    How to Give A Cat A Pill:

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, showing cat's head only. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    13. Tie the little f***er's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters . . . .


    How to Give A Dog A Pill:

    1. Wrap it in bacon.


Wednesday, September 27, 2000, 7:22:48 AM
Palindromes
    A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same forward or backward. Here are a few:

    No, Son.

    Go, dog!

    Sue us!

    Stack cats.

    Pots nonstop.

    Worm row.

    Dump mud.

    Party trap.

    Wonder if Sununu's fired now.

    Never odd or even.

    Ed is on no side.

    Step on no pets.

    Rise to vote, sir!

    Naomi, did I moan?

    Desserts, I stressed.

    Spit Q-Tips.

    Roy, am I mayor?

    A car, a man, a maraca.

    Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

    A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!

    Live not on evil.

    If I had a Hi-Fi...

    A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

    Put Eliot's toilet up.

    Pull up, Bob, pull up!

    Pa's a sap.

    Ma is as selfless as I am.

    Did mom poop? Mom did.

    We panic in a pew.

    Yawn a more Roman way.

    Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.


Tuesday, September 26, 2000, 6:11:47 AM
Quotes From Oscar Wilde
    The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

    It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

    The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.

    Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.

    Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

    There's no sin . . . except stupidity.


Monday, September 25, 2000, 6:25:28 AM
Advice
    "Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it for you." -Calvin Coolidge

    "Don't put no restrictions on the people. Leave 'em the hell alone." -Jimmy Durante

    "The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some." -Louis Rukeyser

    "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." -Mark Twain

    "If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is lie down a while." -Joseph Schenck

    "A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches fifty, and a fool if he doesn't drink afterward." -Frank Lloyd Wright


Sunday, September 24, 2000, 9:27:14 AM
Tongue Twisters
    Does this shop stock short socks with spots?

    The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

    "The bun is better buttered," Betty muttered.

    Seven sleek sleepless sleepers seek sleep.

    Sixty-six sickly chicks.


Saturday, September 23, 2000, 7:56:44 AM
Epitaphs
    Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
    Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
    Who too early in the month of May
    Took off his winter flannels.

    Anna Wallace
    The children of Israel wanted bread,
    And the Lord he sent them manna.
    Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
    And the Devil sent him Anna.

    John Gay
    Life is a joke, and all things show it;
    I thought so once and now I know it.

    Here lies the body of fat May Preston
    Who's now moved to heaven
    To relieve the congestion.

    At rest beneath this slab of stone
    Lies Stingy Jimmy Wyatt;
    He died one morning just at ten
    And saved a dinner by it.

    Against his will, here lies George Hill
    Who from a cliff, fell down quite stiff.
    When it happened is not known,
    Therefore not mentioned on this stone.

    Here lie my husbands, One, Two, Three,
    Dumb as men could ever be.
    As for my fourth, well, praise be God,
    He bides for a little above the sod.


Friday, September 22, 2000, 6:33:04 AM
Anonymous
    SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a question?"

    DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"

    SON: "What is Politics?"

    DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand?"

    SON: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it. That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

    The next morning:

    SON: "Dad, now I think I understand Politics.

    DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

    SON: "Well Dad, while Management is screwing the Working Class, the Government is fast asleep. The People are being completely ignored, and the Future is full of shit.


Thursday, September 21, 2000, 7:46:58 AM
Real Laws From Around The USA
    Alabama:
    1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

    California:
    1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

    Connecticut:
    1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
    2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

    Florida:
    1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
    2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
    3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
    4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
    5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

    Illinois:
    1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

    Indiana:
    1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
    2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

    Iowa:
    1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

    Kentucky:
    1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
    2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

    Louisana:
    1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
    2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

    Massachusetts:
    1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
    2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
    3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.


Wednesday, September 20, 2000, 6:15:11 AM
Oxymorons
    Act naturally

    Found missing

    Resident alien

    Advanced BASIC

    Genuine imitation

    Airline Food

    Good grief

    Same difference

    Almost exactly

    Government organization

    Sanitary landfill

    Alone together

    Legally drunk

    Silent scream

    Living dead

    Small crowd

    Business ethics

    Soft rock

    Butt Head

    Military Intelligence

    Software documentation

    New classic

    Sweet sorrow

    Childproof

    "Now, then . . . "

    Synthetic natural gas

    Passive aggression

    Taped live

    Clearly misunderstood

    Peace force

    Extinct Life

    Temporary tax increase

    Computer jock

    Plastic glasses

    Terribly pleased

    Computer security

    Political science

    Tight slacks

    Definite maybe

    Pretty ugly

    Twelve-ounce pound cake

    Diet ice cream

    Working vacation

    Exact estimate

    Microsoft Works

    Authentic reproduction


Tuesday, September 19, 2000, 6:32:17 AM
Yet More Bumper Stickers
    Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.

    Life is short. Don't be a dick.

    Star light, star bright where the hell is Mr. Right?

    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group.

    I majored in liberal arts -- would you like fries with that?

    I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear.

    I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?

    I'm 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get out of my way.

    I haven't found Mr. Right but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.

    You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.

    It's Miss Bitch to you.

    Lost your cat? Look under my tires.

    If you're rich, I'm single.

    If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it shows your nuts.

    I'm immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and loud . . . but I'm fun.

    If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!

    Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

    Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.

    Birthdays only come once a year . . . aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

    Give me a quarter or I'll touch you!

    To some it's half empty, to some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!

    I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.

    We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

    I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.

    I'm in touch with my inner bitch.

    I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol level).

    I do what the voices in my head tell me.

    Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.

    In God we trust. All others we monitor.

    That dress just screams Crack Whore.

    Not all women are annoying . . . some are dead.

    The nuns made me dress this way.


Monday, September 18, 2000, 8:25:17 AM
Tips For Parents
    There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

    A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

    Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

    A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    When you here the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late.

    Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, lots of it.

    A six year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says it can only be done in the movies.

    If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak . . . it explodes.

    A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house almost 4 inches deep.

    Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

    Duplos will not.

    Playdough and microwaves should never be used in the same sentence.

    Superglue is forever.

    VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

    Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    Marbles in a gas tank make lots of noises when driving.

    You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

    Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

    The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).


Sunday, September 17, 2000, 4:50:40 PM
Instructions For Kids, By Kids
    Never trust a dog to watch your food.

    When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

    Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

    Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

    Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

    Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

    Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.

    Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

    Never bug a pregnant mom.

    Don't ever be too full for dessert.

    When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

    Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

    Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

    When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

    Never try to baptize a cat.

    Never spit when on a roller coaster.

    Never do pranks at a police station.

    Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.

    Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.

    Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.

    Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.

    Stay away from prunes.

    Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

    Forget the cake, go for the icing.


Saturday, September 16, 2000, 7:20:55 AM
Teens, Here's Some Stuff You Won't Learn in Sch
    Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often they decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized it was rule #1.

    Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self- esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

    Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

    Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

    Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

    Rule #6. It's not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

    Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

    Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

    Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

    Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them We all could.

    Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.


Friday, September 15, 2000, 6:32:40 AM
More Bumper Stickers
    Meat is yummy!

    Mean people rule!

    Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

    Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

    Born again pagan.

    God must love stupid people, he made so many.

    I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

    So many recipes, so few cats.

    Cats . . . the other white meat.

    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

    Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

    There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.

    Save a mouse . . . Eat pussy!

    P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

    When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

    Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

    Wink, I'll do the rest!

    Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    When there's a will, I want to be in it!

    Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

    I love animals . . . they're delicious.

    If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

    Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

    Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

    Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

    Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

    Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

    Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.

    We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

    A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

    Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.

    Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!

    Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

    Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

    I souport publik edekasion

    hoket on foniks werked fur me

    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

    3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' . . . till you can find a rock.

    2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

    I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

    I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

    Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.


Thursday, September 14, 2000, 7:15:51 AM
Bumper Stickers
    The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

    If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

    If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

    Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

    We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

    Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

    Born free . . . taxed to death.

    The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

    There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

    WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

    I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

    So you're a feminist . . . Isn't that cute!

    Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.

    Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

    I need someone really bad . . . are you really bad?

    If, a two letter word for futility

    I don't care, I don't have to.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

    I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

    Horn broken, watch for finger.

    All men are idiots . . . I married their king.

    The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

    My kid had sex with your honor student.

    Earth first . . . we'll mine the other planets later.

    Give pizza chants.

    Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

    This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

    How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

    If something goes without saying, LET IT!

    If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

    Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply

    Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

    IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

    Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

    Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.

    Life's a buffet . . . so eat me!

    I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

    Jesus paid for our sins . . . now lets get our money's worth.

    Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

    Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

    I love cats . . . dead ones

    I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken

    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    Keep honking, I'm reloading.

    Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

    Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

    Hang up and drive.

    Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

    Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

    Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

    I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

    WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

    I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Tow-ers will be violated

    Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

    Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

    Lord save me from your followers.


Wednesday, September 13, 2000, 11:36:53 AM
Actual Newspaper Headlines
    Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

    Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

    Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

    Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

    Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

    Farmer Bill Dies In House

    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

    Stud Tires Out

    Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

    British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

    Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

    Eye Drops Off Shelf

    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

    Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

    Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

    Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

    Miners Refuse To Work After Death

    Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

    Stolen Painting Found By Tree

    Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

    Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

    Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

    Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

    Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 In `84

    War Dims Hope For Peace

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

    Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

    Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

    Deer Kill 17,000

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

    Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy

    Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire

    British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply

    Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

    Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

    Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

    New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

    Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

    Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

    Air Head Fired

    Steals Clock, Faces Time

    Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

    Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumn

    Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

    Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

    Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

    Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

    Include Your Children When Baking Cookies


Tuesday, September 12, 2000, 11:07:05 AM
Travel Agent Stories
    A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

    I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response . . . click.

    A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

    Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

    A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

    A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

    I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."

    A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

    A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and everytime they have accepted my American Express."

    When informed that his itinerary included a connecting flight, the man asked, "Does that mean I have to change planes, or do they hook the planes together like train cars?"

    One caller asked if he would need a passport to go to West Virginia.

    Then there was the caller who asked for a flight to Hippopatamus, NY. I told him there was no such city. I rattled off all the New York desinations, Albany, Syracuse, Buffalo. "That's it", he said, "I knew it was the name of some big dark animal."

    Finally, there's the woman who is suing the airline because they forced her to buy a new set of plaid luggage. She claims every time she called the representative told her if her bag was over a certain size it would have to be checked.


Monday, September 11, 2000, 5:53:37 PM
Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
    Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.

    I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    How about never? Is never good for you?

    I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

    I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

    I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

    I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

    I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

    You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

    I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

    Do I look like a people person?

    This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

    How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.


Sunday, September 10, 2000, 6:04:40 PM
School Excuse Notes
    These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):

    My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

    Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

    Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

    Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

    Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

    John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

    Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

    Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

    Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

    Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

    Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

    Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

    Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

    Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

    Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

    My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

    Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

    Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

    Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

    Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

    Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


Saturday, September 09, 2000, 12:46:37 AM
Lost In The Translation
    The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

    Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

    Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

    Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

    When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

    Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

    An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

    Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

    The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

    Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

    When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

    When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!


Friday, September 08, 2000, 10:59:51 AM
Men And Women -- Riddles
    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 lbs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.

    What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
    Sexual harassment.

    What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
    $3.99 a minute.

    How can you tell if your wife is dead?
    The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

    How can you tell if your husband is dead?
    The sex is the same but you get the remote.

    What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
    Humpme Dumpme.

    What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
    Marriage.

    How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    What have men and floor tiles got in common?
    If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What is a man's view of safe sex?
    A padded headboard.

    How do men sort their laundry?
    "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
    The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
    When you take it off you wonder where the breast went.

    Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
    Two mothers-in-law.


Thursday, September 07, 2000, 2:36:34 PM
Bumper Stickers
    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

    I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good

    I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

    Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

    Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

    Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Wednesday, September 06, 2000, 8:10:35 AM
West Virginia Virus
    You have just received the "West Virginia Virus".

    As we ain't got no programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

    Thanks for your cooperation,

    West Virginia University
    Computer Engineering Dept.


Tuesday, September 05, 2000, 8:32:45 PM
Modern Mottos
    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

    No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    Two wrongs are only the beginning.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

    Everybody repeat after me . . . "We are all individuals."

    Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

    Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.


Monday, September 04, 2000, 9:24:41 AM
Courage
    From the crow's nest of the ship, a mate calls to the captain, "An enemy ship is coming." The captain pulls out his telescope and sees the enemy ship. He calls to his first mate to go get his red shirt. At the end of the battle the enemy is destroyed.

    Later a mate calls from the crow's nest, "Two enemy ships coming." The captain checks with his telescope and sees two enemy ships. He orders his first mate to get his red shirt. After the battle the enemies are defeated.

    The captain's first mate asks him why he always battles with his red shirt? The captain replies, "I wear it so no one sees my blood and loses courage."

    From the crow's nest a mate yells down, "Ten enemy ships are coming!" The captain checks and sees all ten of them. He calls to his first mate, "Get me my brown pants!"


Sunday, September 03, 2000, 8:55:29 AM
Thinking
    "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

    - Jerry Seinfeld


Saturday, September 02, 2000, 7:03:35 PM
The Worm
    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

    The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

    The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

    Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

    The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."


Friday, September 01, 2000, 9:33:07 PM
Sorry, Arkansas . . .
    Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movies in groups of 18 or more?

    A: 'Cuz 17 and under's not admitted.





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