Graffiti Board Archive
Tuesday, October 31, 2000, 6:17:10 AM
The Lost Dr. Seuss
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers -
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.
I'm happy to be here. I am, I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again --
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!
Monday, October 30, 2000, 5:46:06 PM
The New Preist
A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak. Afterwards, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me!"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub. Yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
Sunday, October 29, 2000, 8:20:49 PM
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
Saturday, October 28, 2000, 9:02:57 PM
Jack's wife, Mary, is very beautiful. One day Joe, Jack's friend, comes over to their house when Jack isn't home and while talking to Mary offers to give her $200 if she will show him her left breast.
Mary is taken aback by the offer but after thinking about it decides to call his bluff and exposes her left breast to him. Jack smiles and gives her the $200 and offers another $200 to see her right breast.
Amazed at the money in her hand she flashes him her right breast and he hands her another $200. Mary laughs a little and says "Joe, you're mad. What's going on here?"
"You're so beautiful," he replies. "Jack is such a lucky man." He offers to pay her a final $200 if she will show him both her breasts. In disbelief she agrees but insists he must leave after giving her the money which is exactly what happens.
About an hour later Jack comes home. "Did Joe visit today?", he asks.
Mary slightly apprehensive answers, "Yes, yes he did."
"Good," Jack replies. "Did he give you the $600 he owes me?"
Friday, October 27, 2000, 6:20:34 AM
"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." --Harry S Truman
"Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at the trial." --Sydney Biddle Barrows
"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." --Al Capone
"Never trust a man unless you've got his pecker in your pocket." --Lyndon Baines Johnson
"To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it." --Cary Grant
"Sleeping alone, except under doctor's orders, does much harm. Children will tell you how lonely it is sleeping alone. If possible you should always sleep with someone you love. You recharge your mutual batteries free of charge." --Marlene Dietrich
"Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly." --Gypsy Rose Lee
"Don't try to take on a new personality; it doesn't work." --Richard Nixon
"Rise early. Work late. Strike oil." --J. Paul Getty
"Don't let your mouth write a check that your tail can't cash." --Bo Diddley
"Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you." --Nelson Algren
"What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone to do it." --Ambrose Bierce
Thursday, October 26, 2000, 7:00:13 AM
The Not-So-Dumb Blonde
A blonde walks into a bank in New York, asks for a loan officer, and says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys and title to her Rolls Royce.
The bank's president and other officers enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. A bank employee parks the Rolls in the bank's underground garage.
The blonde returns on schedule, and repays the $5,000 with interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why did you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Wednesday, October 25, 2000, 6:08:51 AM
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." --Erma Bombeck
"A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view." --Sophia Loren
"Never underestimate a man who overestimates himself." --Franklin D. Roosevelt
"My father gave me these hints in speechmaking: Be sincere . . . be brief . . . be seated." --James Roosevelt (FDR's son)
"The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent." --Mell Lazarus
"Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you." --Winston Churchill
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." --Mark Twain
Tuesday, October 24, 2000, 6:28:07 AM
Animals In Plural
Who makes this stuff up?
A shrewdness or troop of apes (also monkeys)
A pace of asses
A cete of badgers
A sloth of bears
A colony of beavers
A singular of boars
A clouder of cats
A brood of chickens
A rag of colts
A cowardice of cuts
A gang of elk
A business of ferrets
A skulk or troop of foxes
A trip of goats
A drift of hogs
A troop of kangaroos
A kindle of kittens
A leap of leopards
A nest of mice
A barren of mules
A string of ponies
A nest of rabbits
A crash of rhinoceroses
A bevy of roebucks
A dray of squirrels
A sounder of swine
A pod or gam of whales
A murder of crows
A dole or piteousness of doves
A paddling of duck (swimming)
A raft of duck (in the water, but not swimming)
A team of ducks (in the air)
A charm of finches
A gaggle of geese
A siege of herons
A deceit of lapwings
An exaltation or bevy of larks
A parliament of owls
A covey of quail
An ostentation of peacocks
A nye or covey of pheasants (on the ground)
A bouquet of pheasants (taking to the air)
An unkindness of ravens
A murmuration of sandpipers
A rafter of turkeys
A descent of woodpeckers
An army of caterpillars
A business of flies
A cluster of grasshoppers
A plague or swarm of locusts
A shoal of bass
A clutch of eggs
A bed of snakes
A knot of toads
A bale of turtles
A nest of vipers
Monday, October 23, 2000, 7:02:56 AM
Quotes From Lillian Hellman
"Nothing, of course, begins at the time you think it did."
"I like people who refuse to speak until they are ready to speak."
"Nothing you write, if you hope to be any good, will ever come out as you first hoped."
"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth."
"I cannot, and will not, cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
"God forgives those who invent what they need."
"People change . . . and forget to tell each other."
"Fashions in sin change."
"It is a mark of many famous people that they cannot part with their brightest hour: what once worked must always work."
"It doesn't pay well to fight for what we believe in."
"Since when do you have to agree with people to defend them with justice?'
"Callous greed grows pious very fast."
"We are a people who do not want to keep much of the past in our heads. It is considered unhealthy in America to remember mistakes, neurotic to think about them, psychotic to dwell upon them."
"If I had to give young writers advice, I would say don't listen to writers talk about writing . . . or themselves."
Sunday, October 22, 2000, 12:31:35 PM
True Classroom Story
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of "The Three Little Pigs" to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read," . . . and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused rhen asked the class,"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Saturday, October 21, 2000, 6:41:42 AM
The Pharmacist & His Customer
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a condom, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
Friday, October 20, 2000, 7:35:41 AM
In Las Vegas, Nevada, it's against the law to pawn your dentures.
In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.
It's illegal to sleep with your boots on in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Michigan law forbids pet owners from tying their crocodiles to fire hydrants.
If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.
It's against the law in Tuscumbia, Alabama, to have more than eight rabbits per city block.
It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water in Vermont.
In Alabama, it's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
It's illegal to eat snakes in Kansas.
In Barber, North Carolina, it's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).
It's illegal to sleep with chickens in Clawson City, Michigan.
In Wisconsin it's illegal to walk your elephant without a leash.
The law prohibits barbers in Omaha, Nebraska, from shaving the chests of customers.
In California, it's illegal to hunt whales from your automobile. It's also against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.
In St. Louis, Missouri, it's illegal for you to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb.
Cotton Valley, Louisiana, law forbids cows and horses from sleeping in a bakery.
The maximum penalty for double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.
Thursday, October 19, 2000, 6:10:53 AM
There are an estimated 5,000 foreign languages spoken throughout the world today-and nearly all of them have a dictionary translating them into English.
The largest encylopedia of all time was a 16th-century Chinese encyclopedia; it was 22,937 volumes.
Do you know what "unabridged" means when it refers to English dictionaries? It doesn't mean the work contains all the words in the English language; it just means that it contains all the words listed in earlier editions.
The world's first Mongolian-English dictionary was published in 1953.
What language has the most words? Mandarin Chinese, which has an estimated 800,000 words. English is believed to rank second.
In English dictionaries, the letter "T" has the most entries.
Few English dictionaries agree on which word is the longest in the language. Two contenders:
floccipaucinihilipilification (Oxford English Dictionary), "the action of estimating as worthless.'
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (Webster's Third International), "a lung disease common to miners."
The oldest word in the English language that still resembles its earliest form: island, which is descended from landa, the Old Celtic word for "heath." It predates the Roman Empire (founded in 200 B.C.) by many hundreds of years.
Wednesday, October 18, 2000, 6:19:19 AM
What I Learned At Work
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Tuesday, October 17, 2000, 6:19:02 AM
A Moral Story
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.
The moral of the story is:
1. Not everyone who drops shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Monday, October 16, 2000, 6:20:59 AM
The Eskimo & The Mechanic
An eskimo drops his snowmobile at a garage and asks the mechanic to take a look at it because he's getting a lot of smoke coming out of the exhaust. He says he'll come back after lunch.
The eskimo returns an hour later and the mechanic says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The eskimo wipes his mouth and says, "No, it's just a bit of mayonaise."
Sunday, October 15, 2000, 10:26:55 AM
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
Saturday, October 14, 2000, 2:50:30 PM
Dorothy Parker Quotes
"Hollywood money isn't money. It's congealed snow, melts in your hand, and there you are."
"Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words."
"The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism."
"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.'"
"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: 'Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgement.' "
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly; it should be thrown with great force."
"These young writers . . . are worth watching. Not reading; just watching."
Friday, October 13, 2000, 6:12:00 AM
Q & No A
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it.
Thursday, October 12, 2000, 8:01:02 AM
Q & A
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.
Q: What is big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: pool table.
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Wednesday, October 11, 2000, 6:57:31 AM
Actual Emergency Room Stories:
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the man's genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs. was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least
during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch"
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!" For those of us who went to Costa Rica: I see why they kept emphasizing the correct pronunciation of PURA Vida and not to confuse it with Puta Vida.
An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she put a potato in there, "To hold it up," and then forgot about it.
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."
Tuesday, October 10, 2000, 6:51:02 AM
The Programmer & The Frog
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex . . . But a talking frog is pretty neat."
Monday, October 09, 2000, 7:02:42 AM
The sun shines on shop signs.
The shady shoe shop shows sharp sharkskin shoes.
A noise annoys an oyster, but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Rush the washing, Russell!
The seething sea ceaseth seething.
Awful old Ollie oils oily autos.
Sunday, October 08, 2000, 7:12:47 AM
Truth in Advertising
Saturday, October 07, 2000, 1:22:00 AM
Country Music Titles
"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth' Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
"You're A Cross I Can't Bear"
"Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)"
"She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart"
"You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"
"If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You"
"It Ain't Love, But It Ain't Bad"
"I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart"
"I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised"
"I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2"
"I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy"
"I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling")
"If You See Me Gettin' Smaller, It's Cause I'm Leavin' You."
"If Heartaches Were Wine (I'd Be Drunk All The Time)"
"If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)"
"Touch Me With More Than Your Hands"
"I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line"
"The Last Word In Lonesome Is Me"
"I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight"
"When We Get Back To The Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)"
"You Stuck My Heart In An Old Tin Can And Shot It Off A Log"
"Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?"
"He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk!"
Friday, October 06, 2000, 6:30:30 AM
Brush Up Your Shakespeare
"Neither a borrower, nor a lender be; For oft loses both itself and friend."
"He is well paid that is well satisfied."
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet."
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
"Though this be madness, yet there is method in it."
"When Fortune means to men most good, she looks upon them with a threatening eye."
"Remuneration! O! that's the Latin word for three farthings."
"Words pay no debts."
"You taught me language; and my profit on't is, I know how to curse."
"Talkers are not good doers."
"The saying is true, the empty vessel makes the loudest sound."
"My words fly up, my thoughts remain below: Words without thoughts never to heaven go."
"If all the year were playing holidays / To sport would be as tedious as to work."
"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves."
"A politician . . . One that would circumvent God."
"When my love swears that she is made of trutl-i / I do believe her, though I know she lies."
"Let me have no lying; it becomes none but tradesmen."
"If it be a sin to covet honor, I am the most offending soul."
"One may smile, and smile, and be a villan."
"Time is come round, and where I did begin, there shall I end."
Thursday, October 05, 2000, 2:00:56 PM
Actual British Village Names
Ugley (home of the Ugley Women's Institute)
Moss of Barmuckity
Wednesday, October 04, 2000, 7:35:26 AM
Quotes From Mark Twain
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
"Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use."
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
"I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't."
"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stovelid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again-and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore."
"Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you."
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."
Tuesday, October 03, 2000, 6:14:46 AM
Laws From Around The World
Paris law forbids spinning tops on sidewalks . . . and staring at the mayor.
19th-century Scottish law required brides to be pregnant on their wedding day.
In England it's against the law to sue the queen -- or to name your daughter "Princess" without her permission.
The law in Teruel, Spain, forbids taking hot baths on Sunday. (Cold baths are OK.)
In Rio de Janeiro, it's illegal to dance the samba in a tunnel.
Gun control: In Switzerland, the law requires you to keep guns and ammunition in your home.
Swedish law prohibits trained seals from balancing balls on their noses.
If you're arrested for drunken driving in Malaysia, you go to jail. (So does your wife.)
In Australia it's illegal to hire a woman under the age of 45 to work as a chorus girl.
In Reykjavik, Iceland, it's illegal to keep a dog as a pet.
If you curse within earshot of a woman in Egypt, the law says you forfeit two days' pay.
In pre-Islamic Turkey, if a wife let the family coffee pot run dry, her husband was free to divorce her.
The opposite was true in Saudi Arabia, where a woman was free to divorce her husband if he didn't keep her supplied with coffee.
Horses in Mukden, China, are required to wear diapers; their owners are required "to empty them at regular intervals into specially constructed receptacles."
Toronto, Canada, law requires pedestrians to give hand signals before turning.
English law forbids marrying your mother-in-law.
Red cars are outlawed in Shanghai, China . . . and other automobile colors are assigned according to the owner's profession.
Monday, October 02, 2000, 6:22:57 AM
Real Court Transcripts
Defendant: "Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer."
Judge: "And why is that?'
Defendant: "Because the public defender isn't interested in my case."
Judge (to Public Defender): "Do you have any comments on your defendant's motion?"
Public Defender: "I'm sorry, Your Honor, I wasn't listening."
judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"
Potential juror: "I don't want to be away from my job for that long."
Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"
Potential juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."
Judge to Defendant: "You have a right to a trial by jury, but you may waive that right. What do you wish to do?"
Lawyer to Defendant: "Waive."
Defendant: (Waves at the judge.)
Lawyer: "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
Lawyer: "How many?"
Defendant: "One, so far."
Judge: "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sit?"
Defendant: "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."
Defense Attorney: "Are you sure you did not enter the Seven-Eleven on 40th and N.E. Broadway and hold up the cashier on June 17 of this year?"
Defendant: "I'm pretty sure."
Lawyer: "Could you briefly describe the type of construction equipment used in your business?"
Witness: "Four tractors."
Lawyer: "What kind of tractors are they?'
Lawyer: "Did you say four?"
Witness: "Ford. Ford. Like the Ford. It is a Ford tractor."
Lawyer: "You didn't say four, you just said Ford?
Witness; "Yes, Ford. That is what you asked me, what kind of tractors."
Lawyer: "Are there four Ford tractors? Is that what there is?'
Witness: "No, no. You asked me what kind of a tractor it was and I said Ford tractors."
Lawyer: "How many tractors are there?"
Judge: "It is the judgment of this court that you be sentenced to the state prison ... for a term of ten years, the maximum penalty."
District Attorney: "Will that be dangerous or non-dangerous offender, Your Honor?"
Judge: "Well, considering the flagrant nature of his offense, the court finds that he's a dangerous offender."
Defendant: "How in the hell can you find me a dangerous offender? There's nothing in there showing any violent crime. What's wrong with anybody anyway? You take that son-of-a-bitch and --
Judge: "That's will be it; you're remanded to the custody of the sheriff."
Defendant: "You son-of-a-bitch. You bald-headed son-of-a-bitch, when I get out of there, I'll blow your f-g head away. You no good bald-headed son-of-a-bitch."
Judge: "Get that down in the record, he's threatened to blow the judge's head off."
Prosecutor: "Could you point to someone in this courtroom, or maybe yourself, to indicate exactly how close to a hair color you are referring to?"
Witness: "Well, something like hers (points at the defense attorney) except for more-the woman right here in front (points at defense attorney again). Except for more cheap bleached-blond hair."
Prosecutor: "May the record reflect, Your Honor, the witness has identified Defense Counsel as the cheap blonde."
Prosecutor: "Did you observe anything?"
Witness: "Yes, we did. When we found the vehicle, we saw several unusual items in the car in the right front floorboard of the vehicle. There was what appeared to be a Molotov cocktail, a green bottle"
Defense lawyer: "Objection. I'm going to object to that word, Molotov cocktail."
Judge: "What is your legal objection, Counsel?"
Defense lawyer: "It's inflammatory, Your Honor."
Judge: "Mr. E., you're charged here with driving a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol. How do you Plead, guilty or not guilty?"
Defendant: "I'm guilty as hell."
Judge: "Let the record reflect the defendant is guilty as hell."
Sunday, October 01, 2000, 1:46:23 PM
Here lies the body of John Eldred,
At least he will be here when he is dead.
But now at this time, he is alive,
The 14th of August, 1765.
Here lie the bones of Richard Lawton,
Whose death, alas! was strangely brought on.
Trying his corns one day to mow off,
His razor slipped and cut his toe off.
His toe, or rather, what it grew to,
An inflammation quickly flew to.
Which took, Alas! to mortifying,
And was the cause of Richard's dying.
Here lies the body of Thomas Proctor,
Who lived and died without a doctor.
Here lies the body of Martha Dias,
Who was always uneasy, and not over-pious;
She lived to the age of three score and ten,
And gave to the worms what she refused to the men.
Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way;
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.
In Memory of Mrs. Alpha White, Weight 309 lbs.
Open wide ye heavenly gates That lead to the heavenly shore;
Our father suffered in passing through
And Mother weighs much more.
Phineas G. Wright
Going, But Know Not Where
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