Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
November 2000


Thursday, November 30, 2000, 6:28:15 AM
The Brave Little Turtle
    A little turtle slowly began to climb a tree. After long hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped high into the air waving his front legs, and fell back to the ground with a hard knock to his shell. After recovering consciousness he started to climb the tree again, jumped again, waved his arms, and fell hard again. The little turtle tried again and again after each fall. A pair of birds sat at the edge of a branch, watching the turtle with sympathy. The female bird said to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted"

Wednesday, November 29, 2000, 6:30:11 AM
Pickup Line Comebacks
    "I know how to please a woman."
    "Then please leave me alone."

    "I want to give myself to you."
    "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

    "Your hair color is fabulous."
    "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the drug store."

    "You look like a dream."
    "Go back to sleep."

    "I can tell that you want me."
    "Yes, I want you to leave."

    "I'd go through anything for you."
    "Let's start with your bank account."

    "May I have the last dance?"
    "You've just had it."

    "Your place or mine?"
    "Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine."

    "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?"
    "What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"

    "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
    "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Tuesday, November 28, 2000, 6:23:33 AM
Order In The Court
    A Kansas City man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

    "What for?" he snapped at the judge.

    His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

    Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

    Replied the young man, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."


Monday, November 27, 2000, 6:34:24 AM
Pronunciation
    Multi-national personnel at NATO headquarters found English an easy language . . . until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

    ---------------
    ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

    Dearest creature in creation,
    Study English pronunciation.
    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
    I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
    Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
    Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
    So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

    Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word,
    Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
    (Mind the latter, how it's written.)
    Now I surely will not plague you
    With such words as plaque and ague.
    But be careful how you speak:
    Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
    Cloven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

    Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
    Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
    Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Exiles, similes, and reviles;
    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far;
    One, anemone, Balmoral,
    Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
    Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
    Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

    Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
    Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.
    Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward.
    And your pronunciation's OK
    When you correctly say croquet,
    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live.

    Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
    And enamour rhyme with hammer.
    River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Doll and roll and some and home.
    Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
    Neither does devour with clangour.
    Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
    Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
    And then singer, ginger, linger,
    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

    Query does not rhyme with very,
    Nor does fury sound like bury.
    Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
    Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
    Though the differences seem little,
    We say actual but victual.
    Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
    Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
    Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
    Dull, bull, and George ate late.
    Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
    Science, conscience, scientific.

    Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
    Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
    Mark the differences, moreover,
    Between mover, cover, clover;
    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice;
    Camel, constable, unstable,
    Principle, disciple, label.

    Petal, panel, and canal,
    Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor.
    Tour, but our and succour, four.
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
    Sea, idea, Korea, area,
    Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

    Compare alien with Italian,
    Dandelion and battalion.
    Sally with ally, yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
    Say aver, but ever, fever,
    Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
    Heron, granary, canary.
    Crevice and device and aerie.

    Face, but preface, not efface.
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
    Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
    Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
    Ear, but earn and wear and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but ere.
    Seven is right, but so is even,
    Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
    Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
    Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

    Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
    Is a paling stout and spikey?
    Won't it make you lose your wits,
    Writing groats and saying grits?
    It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
    Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
    Islington and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.

    Finally, which rhymes with enough --
    Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
    Hiccough has the sound of cup.
    My advice is to give up!!!

    -- Author Unknown


Sunday, November 26, 2000, 8:31:27 AM
Quotes From Oscar Wilde
    "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

    "Formerly we used to canonize our heroes. The modern method is to vulgarize them. Cheap editions of great books may be delightful, but cheap editions of great men are absolutely detestable."

    "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

    "Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer."

    "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly."

    "The only portraits in which one believes are portraits where there is very little of the sitter and a very great deal of the artist."

    "The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years."

    "One should always play fairly-when one has the winning cards."

    "Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation."

    "The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves."


Saturday, November 25, 2000, 6:48:50 PM
Two Dogs at the Vets
    Two dogs were waiting with their owners at the vets. One dog said to the other, "What are you here for?"

    The other replied, "Well, I live with a large family and the kids were playing a little too rough with me so I bit one of them. Now they want to get me castrated."

    "Thats awful!"

    "Yeah, tell me about it. What are you in for?"

    "I live with a single woman and she was out working in her garden bent over in a really short skirt and I started humping her."

    "So you're here to get castrated too?"

    "No, she just wants my nails clipped."


Friday, November 24, 2000, 6:46:13 AM
Light At The End Of The Tunnel
    "Politicians are people who when they see light at the end of the tunnel . . . build more tunnel."

Thursday, November 23, 2000, 7:24:55 AM
The Lay Off
    A boss only had two employees, Jack and Mary, and they were both equally qualified workers. He knew he had to get rid of one of the employees, but he couldn't decide who it should be. He finally came up with a plan. He decided that the next person who came to the water cooler had to go. At mid-morning, Mary came by the water cooler to wash down a couple of aspirin.

    The boss called her into his office and began by saying, "I can't make up my mind whether to lay you or Jack off."

    Mary said, "You'd better jack off because I have a headache."


Wednesday, November 22, 2000, 7:07:33 AM
Crazy Sally
    Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

    "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

    "I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"


Tuesday, November 21, 2000, 6:48:57 AM
Getting Old
    There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, and the other two I forget.

    You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

    Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

    You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

    Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

    Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

    A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

    You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

    At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take laxative.

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

    The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

    You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

    You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

    You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

    The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

    Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

    It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

    You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.


Monday, November 20, 2000, 7:10:21 AM
At The Gates Of Heaven
    Jesus is at the pearly gates giving or denying access to Heaven. A man comes up to him. "I'm looking for my son," he says.

    "And who are you?" says Jesus.

    "I'm his Father . . . well not really," says the man.

    "What do you do?" asks Jesus.

    "I'm a carpenter . . . well not really," says the man.

    "And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.

    "He does!" shouts the man.

    "FATHER!" shouts Jesus.

    "PINNOCHIO!" shouts Geppetto.


Sunday, November 19, 2000, 10:30:03 AM
Daily Affirmations
    I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

    A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

    As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

    I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

    Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

    I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

    As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

    I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

    I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

    Joan of Arc heard voices too.

    When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

    The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

    As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

    Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

    Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute . . . I'll find someone.

    Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

    I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

    I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


Saturday, November 18, 2000, 8:16:21 PM
Anonymous
    A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

    Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"


Friday, November 17, 2000, 1:28:34 PM
Actual Newspaper Headlines
    Lawyer says client is not that guilty.

    Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.

    Gas cloud clears out Taco Bell.


Thursday, November 16, 2000, 6:20:20 AM
Be All You Can Be
    Always give 100% at work . . .

    * 12% on Monday
    * 23% on Tuesday
    * 40% on Wednesday
    * 20% on Thursday
    * 5% on Fridays

    And don't forget . . .

    When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Wednesday, November 15, 2000, 6:31:00 AM
Writer's Hell
    A writer dies and goes to Purgatory.

    St. Peter says, "You have to be here and labor for the souls of others for 15 billion years before you can go on to Heaven, otherwise you go to Hell right now."

    The writer says, "Can I have a look at both places first?"

    "Sure," says St. Peter.

    So down they go into Hell. Writers' Hell. A large room with no windows. Strewn across the floor off into a hazy horizon are desks upon desks upon desks of writers toiling away in dimly lit alcoves, being prodded by editors with fiery-hot blue pencils and flaming phone messages, and being flogged by agents loaded with rejections slips.

    "No No!" screams the writer! "That's what my LIFE was like! I don't want death to be like this, too. Show me Heaven!"

    So, up they fly on up to Heaven. Writers' Heaven. A large room. No windows. Strewn across the floor off into a hazy horizon are desks upon desks upon desks of writers toiling away in dimly lit alcoves, being prodded by editors with fiery-hot blue pencils and flaming phone messages, and being flogged by agents loaded with rejections slips.

    "This is the same as Hell," says the writer. "Why would I want to work for 15 billion years just to end up in a place exactly like Hell?"

    "Oh, no," says Saint Peter. "These writers have been PUBLISHED."


Tuesday, November 14, 2000, 6:13:37 AM
Tongue Twisters
    Mummies munch much mush.

    This is a zither.

    Ike ships ice chips in ice chip ships.

    She says she shall sew a sheet.

    Feed the flies fly food, Floyd!

    Miss Smith dismisseth us.

    Ted threw Fred thirty-three free throws.

    Rex wrecks wet rocks.


Monday, November 13, 2000, 6:07:14 AM
Quotes From James Thurber
    "It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all."

    "Love is blind, but desire just doesn't give a good goddamn."

    "Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"

    "I hate women because they always know where things are."

    "Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing."

    "You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."

    "Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead."

    "Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility."

    "It's a naive wine, without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption."

    "Some American writers who have known each other for years have never met in the day time or when both are sober."

    "It's better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."

    "You might as well fall flat on your face as lean too far backward."

    "All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first."

    "Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness."

    "Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they're between the ages of 18 months and 90 years."


Sunday, November 12, 2000, 10:38:44 AM
A Pertinent Quote
    The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. --Maugham

Saturday, November 11, 2000, 6:35:42 PM
5th & 6th Grade Tests Responses
    There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

    Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

    Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

    The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

    Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

    Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

    Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

    A monsoon is a French gentleman.

    The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

    To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

    When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

    For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

    Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

    One of the main causes of dust is janitors.


Friday, November 10, 2000, 6:41:41 AM
Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs
    In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
    "Now serving live lobsters."

    On the menu of a restaurant
    "Blackened bluefish."

    In a New Jersey restaurant
    "Open seven days a week and weekends."

    On the walls of a Baltimore estate
    "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"

    On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
    "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

    In a New York drugstore
    "We dispense with accuracy."

    In a New York medical building
    "Mental Health Prevention Center"

    On a New York convalescent home
    "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

    In a funeral parlor
    "Ask about our layaway plan."

    In a clothing store
    "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

    Outside a country shop
    "We buy junk and sell antiques."

    In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
    "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

    In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
    "Parking for birds only."

    In the vestry of a New England church
    "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished"

    In a laundry room
    "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

    A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
    "Do not activate with wet hands."

    In a New Hampshire jewelry store
    "Ears pierced while you wait."

    In a New York restaurant
    "Customers who find our waitresses rude should see the manager."

    A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
    "Crap - .79/lb."

    In a Florida maternity ward
    "No children allowed."

    In the offices of a loan company
    "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

    At a number of US military bases
    "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

    On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
    "Now available in multi-packs"

    In the window of an Oregon general store
    "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

    In a Pennsylvania cemetary
    "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

    On the grounds of a private school
    "No trespassing without permission."

    In a library
    "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."

    On a Tennessee highway
    "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

    In front of a New Hampshire car wash
    "If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

    On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
    "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

    A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal
    "Terminal Drugs"

    From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
    "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

    On a delicatessen wall
    "Our best is none too good"

    On a roller coaster
    "Watch your head"

    On a Maine shop
    "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

    In downtown Boston
    "Callahan Tunnel / No end."

    A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
    "Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."


Thursday, November 09, 2000, 6:24:46 AM
The Truthful Nun
    A young nun was walking home to the convent one day when a man jumped out from the bushes and had his way with her.

    The man said, "What will you tell Mother Superior now, Sister?"

    She said, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home to the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're too tired."

Wednesday, November 08, 2000, 7:06:09 AM
This Is True
    I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. (It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.) His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is; the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but if you send it to only ten people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without it's lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Tuesday, November 07, 2000, 7:03:46 AM
All Aboard!
    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving".

    The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

    Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


Monday, November 06, 2000, 6:12:10 AM
The Hostage Situation
    An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

    "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"


Sunday, November 05, 2000, 7:06:11 AM
The Work Virus
    There is a virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague . . . DO NOT OPEN IT.

    This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

    If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap . . . I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

    Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.


Saturday, November 04, 2000, 6:52:21 AM
The Operation
    "Doc" says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."

    "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

    "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.

    "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

    "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

    "Well, OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgement!"

    So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

    "Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

    "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

    Arthur stared at him in horror. "Shit, THAT'S the word!!!"


Friday, November 03, 2000, 7:29:50 AM
More Questions
    Why do psychics have to ask your name?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

    How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

    Did ancient doctors refer to IVs as "fours"?

    Why are they called "apartments" when they're all stuck together?

    If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

    Is Dan Quayle's name spelled with an e at the end?

    Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

    If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

    If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

    Why can't I set my laser printer on "stun"?

    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

    If you write a book about failure and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

    If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?


Thursday, November 02, 2000, 6:15:37 AM
Questions
    Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

    Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

    Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations, where smoking is prohibited?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    How do the guy that drives the snowplow get to work?

    If the 7-11 store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

    If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

    If you are traveling at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?

    Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

    Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

    Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

    Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

    You know that little indestructible black box flight recorder in airlines? Why don't they just make the whole plane out of the same stuff?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

    If con is the opposite of pro, in Congress the opposite of progress?

    If firefighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

    If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

    Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

    Why is abbreviate such a long word?

    If the Pillsbury doughboy eats a Cookie is he a cannibal?


Wednesday, November 01, 2000, 6:31:32 AM
Size, Please
    A man went into a pharmacy looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asked him, "Would you like to find what size you are?"

    The guy agreed and the pharmacist led him into a room with a board. The board had many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist left, allowing the guy some privacy to match up his member with the right hole.

    Three hours went by and the pharmacist wondered what was taking so long. So, he knocked on the door to see if the guy was alright. The guy said, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board."


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