Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
December 2000


Sunday, December 31, 2000, 9:50:03 AM
Stop!
    There is this guy driving through a neighborhood. It's pretty quiet and there is no one around. So he thinks to himself, I'm in a rush, so I will just coast through the stop signs. Just when he comes to the end of the neighborhood, he hears sirens. He turns his head only to see a cop car instructing him to pull over, so he does.

    The cop gets out of his car and asks the guy for licence, and registration. Then the cop says to the guy, "Sir, do you know why I stopped you?".

    The guy says "No".

    The Officer explains,"Well you didn't stop at any of those stop signs back there!"

    The guy says, "Well I'm sorta in a hurry, but I did slow down".

    Then the cop takes out his nightstick and starts wacking the guy on the head and says, "Do you want me stop or slow down?"


Saturday, December 30, 2000, 6:51:06 PM
Actual Questions Fielded By Park Rangers
    Grand Canyon National Park
    * Was this man-made?
    * Do you light it up at night?
    * I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
    * Is the mule train air conditioned?
    * So where are the faces of the presidents?

    Everglades National Park
    * Are the alligators real?
    * Are the baby alligators for sale?
    * Where are all the rides?
    * What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

    Denali National Park (Alaska)
    * What time do you feed the bears?
    * Can you show me where the yeti lives?
    * How often do you mow the tundra?
    * How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

    Mesa Verde National Park
    * Did people build this, or did Indians?
    * Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
    * What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
    * Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
    * Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

    Carlsbad Caverns National Park
    * How much of the cave is underground?
    * So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
    * Does it ever rain in here?
    * How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
    * So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

    Yosemite National Park
    * Where are the cages for the animals?
    * What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
    * Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

    Yellowstone National Park
    * Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
    * How do you turn it on?
    * When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
    * We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Friday, December 29, 2000, 6:46:54 AM
Writerly Quotes, part 4
    Isaac Asimov wrote more than 500 books during his lifetime (1920-1992). He has the honor of being the only person who has authored a book in each of the Dewey Decimal System classifications.

    It was writer Rudyard Kipling who said, "I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble."

    John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim's Progress, wrote most of his famous book while in jail. He was imprisoned for twelve years for preaching without a license.

    Just 50 years after Johannes Gutenberg invented his printing press in the mid--15th century, more than 6 million books had been published on law, science, poetry, politics, and religion.

    L. Frank Baum, the author of the "The Wizard of Oz," couldn't swim. He always smoked a cigar when he was wading in the water so he could tell when he was getting in too deep.

    On his deathbed, writer Joel Chandler Harris (1856--1931), creator of the "Uncle Remus" stories, was asked whether he was feeling better. His last words were, "I am about the extent of a tenth of a gnat's eyebrow better."

    Other than sleeping, men and women differ on what is their favorite thing to do in bed. Of the men polled, the top response was to have sex at 50 percent; for women, only 20 percent responded the same. Women would prefer to read (23 percent), whereas men put books at just 11 percent.

    Popular American writer, Dr. Seuss, coined the word "nerd."

    Per a British medical journal report, the fungi that feed on old paper may be mildly hallucinogenic, and the "fungal hallucinogens" may cause an "enhancement of enlightenment" in readers. The source of creative inspiration for many great authors through history may have been a quick sniff of moldy books, causing them to get high.


Thursday, December 28, 2000, 6:28:38 AM
Writerly Quotes, part 3
    "What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is a collection of books." -- Thomas Carlyle

    "Writers aren't exactly people...they're a whole lot of people trying to be one person." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

    A lament from best--selling author John LeCarré on the nature of film-making: "Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes."

    Agatha Christie claimed she did most of her plotting for her books while sitting in a bathtub munching on apples.

    Famous writer Oscar Wilde bragged that he gave his talent to his work and saved his genius for his life.

    In 1939, David O. Selznick was ordered to pay a then-whopping $5,000 fine to the Motion Picture Producers Association because he insisted that the word "damn" remain in Gone With the Wind's final script. A perfectionist, Selznick wanted to stay true to author Margaret Mitchell's novel.

    In 1981, Stephen King drew the following conclusion about horror films: "There is fine Waterford crystal that rings delicately when struck . . . and then there are Flintstone jelly glasses. You can drink your Dom Perignon out of either one, but, friends, there is a difference. The difference here is between horror for horror's sake and art. There is art in a horror film when the audience gets more than it gives. Not when our fears are milked just to drive us crazy but when an actual liaison is found between our fantasy fears and our real fears. Few horror movies are conceived with art in mind; most are conceived for profit."

    In his autobiography, comedian Bob Hope acknowledged the importance of having good writers. He wrote, "I was in this crowded elevator, and this little old lady turned around and stared in my face. 'Bob Hope,' she said. 'Say something cute.' So of course I said, 'Avocado.' It's pretty hard to say something cute unless you have your cute writers right beside you."


Wednesday, December 27, 2000, 6:22:48 AM
Writerly Quotes, part 2
    "If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research." -- Wilson Mizner

    "If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books." -- Alan King

    "It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations." -- Winston Churchill

    "It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both." -- Elwyn Brooks White

    "Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested." -- Francis Bacon

    "The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything." -- Walter Bagehot

    "The trouble with our younger writers is that they are all in their sixties." -- W. Somerset Maugham

    "The writer is so bad he shouldn't be left alone in a room with a typewriter." -- Herman J. Manciewicz

    "There are two kinds of books: those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read." -- H.L. Mencken


Tuesday, December 26, 2000, 6:36:29 AM
Writerly Quotes, part 1
    "An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory." -- Franklin P. Jones

    "Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs." -- Christopher Hampton

    "Author: A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting generations to come." --Montesquieu (1689 - 1755)

    "Authors are easy to get on with -- if you like children." -- Michael Joseph

    "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." -- Mark Twain

    "Children ask better questions than do adults. 'May I have a cookie?' 'Why is the sky blue?' 'What does a cow say?' are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than 'Where's your manuscript?' 'Why haven't you called?' and 'Who's your lawyer?'" -- Fran Lebowitz

    "Film will only became an art when its materials are as inexpensive as pencil and paper." -- Jean Cocteau

    "I got a fortune cookie that said, "To remember is to understand." I have never forgotten it. A good judge remembers what it was like to be a lawyer. A good editor remembers being a writer. A good parent remembers what it was like to be a child." -- Anna Quindlen

    "I suggest that the only books that influence us are those for which we are ready, and which have gone a little further down our particular path than we have gone ourselves." -- E. M. Forster

    "I was quite enjoying The Power of Positive Thinking, until I heard that the author had committed suicide." -- Nick Job


Monday, December 25, 2000, 3:18:14 PM
The Christmas Angel
    Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had done while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

    Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

    I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

    Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

    He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick this tree?"

    And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

Sunday, December 24, 2000, 8:06:52 AM
Is There A Santa Claus?
    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
    average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the ney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
    per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer
    can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of deer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
    reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion -- If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Saturday, December 23, 2000, 9:58:53 AM
The Shredder
    A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

    "Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

    "Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."

Friday, December 22, 2000, 6:49:42 AM
Dumb Predictions
    "The abolishment of pain in surgery is a chimera. It is absurd to go on seeking it today. Knife and pain are two words in surgery that must forever be associated in the consciousness of the patient. To this compulsory combination we shall have to adjust ourselves." --Dr. Alfred Velpeau, Anesthesia was introduced 7 years

    "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time dreaming." --Lee De Forest, "Father of the Radio"

    "At present, few scientists foresee any serious or practical use for atomic energy. They regard the atom-splitting experiments as useful steps in the attempt to describe the atom more accurately, not as the key to the unlocking of any new power." --Fortune magazine

    "What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches?" --The Quarterly Review

    "The ordinary 'horseless carriage' is at present a luxury for the wealthy; and although its price will probably fall in the future, it will never, of course, come into as common use as the bicycle." --The Literary Digest

    "The energy necessary to propel a ship would be many times greater than that required to drive a train of cars at the same speed; hence as a means of rapid transit, flying could not begin to compete with the railroad." --Popular Science magazine


Thursday, December 21, 2000, 8:52:40 AM
Dubya's Inauguration Speech?
    My fellow Armenians,

    As I stand here today, looking over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it.

    Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadillos. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table. That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets of Laredo".

    A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

    I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

    We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives.

    The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds.

    I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

    Thank you, and God help America.


Wednesday, December 20, 2000, 6:38:12 AM
Answering Machine Messages
    "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

    "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message."

    "Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

    "Hi. Now you say something."

    "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

    "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

    "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

    "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

    "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

    "This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

    "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

    "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
    a message."

    "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

    "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

    "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you."


Tuesday, December 19, 2000, 6:22:50 AM
The Great Writer
    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

    When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


Monday, December 18, 2000, 6:29:38 AM
In Search Of Jesus
    Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject.

    One by one, they offered their evidence...

    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
    1. His first name was Jesus
    2. He was bilingual
    3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

    But then there were equally good arguments that...

    JESUS WAS BLACK
    1. He called everybody "brother"
    2. He liked Gospel
    3. He couldn't get a fair trial

    But then there were equally good arguments that...

    JESUS WAS JEWISH
    1. He went into His Father's business
    2. He lived at home until he was 33
    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

    But then there were equally good argument that...

    JESUS WAS ITALIAN
    1. He talked with his hands
    2. He had wine with every meal
    3. He used olive oil

    But then there were equally good arguments that...

    JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
    1. He never cut his hair
    2. He walked around barefoot
    3. He started a new religion

    But then there were equally good arguments that...

    JESUS WAS IRISH
    1. He never got married
    2. He was always telling stories
    3. He loved green pastures

    But perhaps the most compelling evidence ...

    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
    1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
    2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
    3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.


Sunday, December 17, 2000, 8:47:15 AM
English As It's Written Around The World
    In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

    In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

    In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

    Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

    In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

    In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

    In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

    In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

    In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

    In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

    In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

    In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. - Here speeching American.


Saturday, December 16, 2000, 7:29:39 AM
Quotes from Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)
    You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

    The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

    Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? (from "Huckleberry Finn")

    In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.

    It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

    Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

    The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

    Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

    Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

    When I was 16, I though my father was the most ignorant ass that there ever was. But by the time I was 21, I was surprised to discover just how much he had learned in only 5 years.

    It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.


Friday, December 15, 2000, 6:15:01 AM
The Writer & His Agent
    Okay. Did you hear the one about the writer who came home from a trip to the post office to find his house burned down, his wife and son kidnapped, and his dog driven off? As he stood gaping at the destruction in shock, and neighbor came up and said, "I saw it all. This guy who said he was your agent came screeching up in his car, pulled a can of gas out of the trunk and doused the front porch, went inside and dragged out your wife and kid by the hair, and kicked the dog on the way by. He shoved 'em in his car and took off towards--"

    "Wait," said the writer. "My AGENT came to my HOUSE?"


Thursday, December 14, 2000, 6:28:35 AM
Strange
    A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

    The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

    However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "'Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.' That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"


Wednesday, December 13, 2000, 6:44:23 AM
At The Vet's
    A woman goes to the vet, puts her dog up on the examining table and says, "Doctor, I think my
    dog is dead."

    The vet scratches his head and says, "Just a moment." He leaves the room but comes back in a minute carrying a cat. He puts the cat on the examining table with the dog.

    The cat walks all over the dog but the dog doesn't move a muscle.

    The vet picks up the cat and says, "Yes, ma'am, your dog is dead. That'll be $345."

    The woman shrieks, "$345!"

    The vet nods. "$45 for the office visit, and $300 for the cat scan."


Tuesday, December 12, 2000, 6:14:29 AM
The Brain Transplant
    A man's family and friends sat anxiously in a hospital waiting room. Finally a doctor comes out and says to his wife, "It's bad news, I'm afraid. He's going to need a brain transplant."

    "Oh my," said the wife.

    "You should know that your insurance will pay for the operation, but not the brain."

    A brother-in-law asked how much brains cost.

    "For a male brain, around $10,000," said the doctor. "For a female brain, $2,000."

    Even in the grim situation, many of the men in the room couldn't help smiling.

    "Excuse me," said the wife, "but why on earth would a male brain be so much more expensive than a female one?"

    The doctor seemed surprised at the question. "The female ones have been used."


Monday, December 11, 2000, 6:20:54 AM
First Class Jock
    A jock boards a plane to New York with a coach ticket. He decides he's going to sit in First Class, where the seats are wider and more accepting of his huge, 280-pound frame.

    The stewardess checks his ticket and tells him he's in the wrong section, that he has to return to coach. But the jock says, "I'm a football player and I'm going to New York in First Class!"

    The stewardess is rebuffed by this flat refusal and goes to the cockpit to tell the captain. The captain comes and tells the jock that he has to return to coach. But the jock only says, "I'm a football player and I'm going to New York in First Class!"

    The captain, fully aware of the bruiser sitting before him, doesn't want to create a scene or provoke a fight. So he goes back to the cockpit to ask his co-pilot for advice.

    The co-pilot says, "My wife's brother is a jock. I know just what to do." He goes up to the jock and whispers something in his ear. The jock's eyes get real big, and then the football player gets out of his seat and hurridly retreats to coach.

    The captain is amazed. "What in the world did you tell him?" he asks the co-pilot.

    "Simple," says the co-pilot. "I told him First Class wasn't going to New York."


Sunday, December 10, 2000, 8:44:18 AM
Fish & Chips
    A monastery in England had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to cut their expenses. Being English, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar'?"

    "No", answered the brother, "I'm the 'chip monk'".


Saturday, December 09, 2000, 7:48:43 AM
Clueless Indeed
    From Hollywood star Alicia Silverstone comes this gem of a quote: "I think that the film 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."

Friday, December 08, 2000, 6:25:44 AM
The Stress Diet
    This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

    BREAKFAST:
    1 Grapefruit
    1 Slice whole wheat toast
    1 cup skim milk

    LUNCH:
    Small portion lean, steamed chicken
    1 cup of spinach
    1 cup herbal tea
    1 Hershey Kiss

    AFTERNOON TEA:
    The rest of the Kisses in the bag
    1 tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with Chocolate chip topping

    DINNER:
    4 bottles of wine (red or white)
    2 loaves Garlic bread
    1 Family size Supreme Pizza
    3 Snickers Bars

    LATE NIGHT SNACK:
    Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the Freezer)

    DIET RULES:
    1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
    2. When drinking a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar.
    3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
    4. Food used for medical purposes does not count (i.e. hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka).
    5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
    6. Movie Theater related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Snow Caps and ice cream.
    7. Cookie pieces have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes calorie leakage.
    8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
    9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.
    10. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.

    And remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.


Thursday, December 07, 2000, 7:39:04 AM
Performance Reviews
    Some remarkes taken (well, supposedly) from actual Federal employee evaluations:

    Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

    I would not allow this employee to breed.

    This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

    Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

    When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

    He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

    This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

    He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

    This employee should go far, and the sooner the better.

    Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

    A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

    He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

    He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

    He would argue with a signpost.

    He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.

    When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.

    If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

    A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.

    A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

    Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

    Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

    If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change.

    If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

    It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

    One neuron short of a synapse.

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

    The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Wednesday, December 06, 2000, 7:33:35 AM
Newspeak
    Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

    In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy.

    Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

    There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.


Tuesday, December 05, 2000, 6:18:14 AM
The Old Lady's Nuts!
    A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet with an elderly parishioner.

    As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after nother. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.
    He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

    "That's OK," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."


Monday, December 04, 2000, 12:15:02 PM
Extra Effort
    In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This is one of them....

    I was due later in the week for an appointment with the GYNO man. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to say I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

    As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort, so I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the hamper. I hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

    I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away from where I was.

    I was a little surprised when the doctor said "My, we have taken an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" But I didn't respond. The appointment was over and I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal, some shopping, cleaning and cooking.

    After school, my six year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom "Mum, where's my washcloth I left by the sink?" I called back and told her to get another one from the cupboard. She called back "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

    This story won a grand prize of $5,000.


Sunday, December 03, 2000, 8:26:33 AM
Unbreakable
    This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

    Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

    Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing.

    About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?"

    The first guy responds: "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and, since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

    "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

    The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."


Saturday, December 02, 2000, 11:55:43 AM
At The Super Bowl
    Bob wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl in a contest. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he finds the seat is in the last row in the end zone -- he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

    About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

    The man says, "No."

    Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

    The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

    "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

    "No", the man replies. "They're all at the funeral."


Friday, December 01, 2000, 6:22:17 AM
Does Not Translate
    Here's what happens when companies translate their slogans into foreign languages:

    When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

    Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

    Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

    When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."

    Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

    The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

    When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

    When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

    A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

    When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA -- with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.



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