Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
February 2001


Wednesday, February 28, 2001, 8:11:40 AM
This Just In From Thomas Jefferson
    "A little rebellion now and then is a good thing."

    "The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers."

    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed for time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure."

    "I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just."

    "Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you."

    "Question with boldness even the very existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of a blindfolded fear."

    "Never spend money before you have it."

    "The art of life is the avoiding of pain."

    "The Earth belongs . . . to the living. The dead have neither rights nor powers over it."

    "The tax which will be paid for education is not more than the thousandth part of what will be paid to kings, priests, and nobles who will rise up among us if we leave the people to ignorance."

    "Resistance to tyrants is obedience to God."

    "To the press alone, chequered as it is with abuses, the world is indebted for all the triumphs which have been gained by reason and humanity over error and oppression."

    "Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it."

    "The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."


Tuesday, February 27, 2001, 6:40:19 AM
Diner Lingo
    Burn the British: Gimme an English muffin
    Draw one in the Dark: A black coffee
    Balloon Juice: Seltzer
    An M.D.: A Dr. Pepper
    Hold the hail: No ice
    Wreck 'em: Scrambled eggs
    Sweep the kitchen: A plate of hash
    Adam and Eve on a raft: Two poached eggs on toast
    A spot with a twist: A cup of tea with lemon
    Bossy in a Bowl: Beef stew
    A Blonde with Sand: Coffee with cream and sugar
    Break It and Shake It: Add an egg to a drink
    A Stack of Vermont: Pancakes with maple syrup.
    Million on a Platter: A plate of baked beans
    A White Cow: A vanilla milkshake
    Let it Walk: It's to go
    Noah's Boy on Bread: A ham sandwich
    A Murphy: A potato
    Nervous Pudding: jello
    Paint a Bow-wow Red: Gimme a hot dog with ketchup
    Eve with a lid: A piece of apple pie
    Burn one, take it through the garden, and pin a rose on it: A burger with lettuce and onion
    Mike and Ike: Salt and pepper shakers
    Angels on Horseback: Oysters rolled in bacon and placed on toast
    Cow Paste: Butter
    Lighthouse: Bottle of ketchup
    Hounds on an Island: Franks and beans
    Frog Sticks: French fries
    Houseboat: A banana split
    Wax: American cheese
    Fry Two, let the sun shine: 2 fried eggs with unbroken yolks
    Throw it in the Mud: Add chocolate syrup
    Hug One: Squeeze a glass of orange juice
    Life Preservers: Doughnuts
    Put out the lights and cry: An order of liver and onions
    One from the Alps: A Swiss cheese sandwich
    Put a Hat on It: Add ice cream
    A Splash of Red Noise: A bowl of tomato soup

Monday, February 26, 2001, 6:34:04 AM
Freud Speaks
    "America is a mistake, a giant mistake!"

    "When a man is freed of religion, he has a better chance to live a normal and wholesome life."

    "Anatomy is destiny."

    "What progress we are making. In the Middle Ages they would have burnt me; nowadays they are content with burning my books."

    "Thought is action in rehearsal."

    "The great question . . . which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years in research into the feminine soul, is 'What do women want?'"

    "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

    "The more the fruits of knowledge become accessible to men, the more widespread is the decline of religious belief."

    "Neurosis seems to be a human privilege."

    "The goal of all life is death."

    "The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization."

    "When one of my family complains that he or she has bitten his tongue, bruised her finger, and so on, instead of the expected sympathy, I put the question, 'Why did you do that?'

    "We hate the criminal, and deal with him severely, because we view in his deed, as in a distorting mirror, our own criminal instincts."

    "When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or profession, decisions should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of our personal lives we should be governed by the deep inner needs of our nature."


Sunday, February 25, 2001, 9:01:11 AM
Growing Old
    Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

    Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

    Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

    You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

    You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

    One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

    Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

    I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

    Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

    Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

    Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

    Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.


Saturday, February 24, 2001, 6:16:25 PM
Sisters Of Mercy
    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

    SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

    He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

    SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

    He begins to think that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    SISTERS OF MERCY.

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

    "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

    He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

    He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

    GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY


Friday, February 23, 2001, 9:36:25 AM
Insurance Fraud
    In court, a farmer is on the stand answering questions from a prosecutor. The farmer has been charged with insurance fraud.

    Lawyer: Did you or did you not tell the responding police officer that you were fine?

    Farmer: Well, sir, there's more to it than that--

    Lawyer: Just answer the question, please.

    Farmer: Your Honor, could I please tell the whole story the way I saw it?

    Judge: Of course, sir. Please proceed.

    Farmer: Thank you, Your Honor. Well, after the man hit my truck, me and the horse went flying out of it, I just laid there trying to catch my breath and figure out if I had any broken bones. Then I heard a shot, and next thing I know the police officer's talking to me. He says, "Your horse was hurt so bad that I had to shoot it. How are you doing?"


Thursday, February 22, 2001, 6:34:23 AM
Qoutes From Mae West
    "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

    "It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean."

    "Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before."

    "I generally avoid temptation -- unless I can't resist it."

    "It's not the men in my life that counts-it's the life in my men."

    "He who hesitates is last."

    "When women go wrong, men go right after them."

    "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."

    "I used to be Snow White . . . but I drifted."

    "I only like two kinds of men -- domestic and foreign"

    "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?"

    "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."

    "I've been in more laps than a napkin."

    "A man in the house is worth two in the street."

    "Brains are an asset . . . if you hide them."

    "When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better."


Wednesday, February 21, 2001, 6:19:10 AM
TV Wisdom
    "Remember -- the Eagle may soar but the weasel never gets sucked up into a jet engine."
    --Rick Simon, Simon & Simon

    "If you can't fight 'em, and they won't let you join 'em, best get out of the county."
    --Pappy Maverick, Maverick

    "Just keep laughing."
    --Bozo the Clown, Bozo's Circus

    "The older you get, the better you get -- unless you're a banana."
    -- Rose, The Golden Girls

    "As we say in the sewer, if you're not prepared to go all the way, don't put your boots on in the first place."
    --Ed Norton, The Honeymooners

    "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape."
    --Groucho Marx, You Bet Your Life

    "It's been the lesson of my life that nothing that sounds that good ever really happens."
    --Alex Reiger, Taxi


Tuesday, February 20, 2001, 6:14:40 AM
The Party
    Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

    "Name's Enoch . . . Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge . . . Havin a party Saturday . . . thought you'd like to come."

    "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

    As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."

    "Not a problem . . . after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."

    Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too."

    Damn, Sam thinks . . . tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

    Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

    "Now that is not a problem" says Sam "Remember I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way, what should I wear to the party?"

    Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."


Monday, February 19, 2001, 1:07:58 PM
Quotes From Andy Warhol
    "An artist is a person who produces things that people don't need to have but that he -- for some reason -- thinks it would be a good idea to give them."

    "It's not what you are that counts, it's what they think you are."

    "Sex is the biggest nothing of all time."

    "It's the movies that have really been running things in America ever since they were invented. They show you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to feel about it, and how to look when you feel about it."

    "The most exciting attractions are between opposites that never meet."

    "The nicer I am, the more people think I'm lying."

    "I never think that people die. They just go to department stores."

    "After being alive, the next hardest work is having sex."

    "Dying's the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you."

    "I am a deeply superficial person."

    "The more information you get, the less fantasy you have."


Sunday, February 18, 2001, 8:35:38 AM
Product Labels
    On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

    On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert, printed on bottom of box: "Do not turn upside down."

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

    On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

    On many brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

    On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."


Saturday, February 17, 2001, 8:43:18 PM
Truth
    In the beginning the universe was created. This has widely been regarded as a bad move.
    --Douglas Adams

Friday, February 16, 2001, 7:38:09 AM
Stoopid Humans
    A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's heads.

    A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

    The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

    A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

    Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

    A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

    Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

    When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

    A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.


Thursday, February 15, 2001, 6:12:58 AM
Their Real Names
    Muddy Waters: McKinley Morganfield
    Liberace: Wiadziu Valentino Liberace
    Wolfman Jack: Bob Smith
    Stan Laurel: Arthur Stanley Jefferson
    Dean Martin: Dino Crocetti
    Twiggy: Leslie Homby
    Peter Lorre: Laszlo Lowenstein
    Jerry Lewis: Joseph Levitch
    Lauren Bacall: Betty Perski
    James Stewart: Stewart Granger
    Yves Montand: Ivo Livi
    Shelley Winters: Shirley Schrift
    Van Morrison: George Ivan
    W.C. Fields: W. C. Dunkenfield
    Roy Rogers: Leonard Slye
    Charles Bronson: Charles Buchinsky
    Irving Berlin: Israel Baline
    Stevie Wonder: Steveland Judkins Morris
    Doris Day: Doris Kappelhoff
    Boris Karloff: William Henry Pratt
    Natalie Wood: Natasha Gurdin
    Tanuny Wynette: Wynette Pugh
    Kirk Douglas: Issur Danielovitch
    Rock Hudson: Roy Fitzgerald
    Sophia Loren: Sophia Scicolone
    Tony Curtis: Bernie Schwartz
    John Wayne: Marion Michael Morrison
    David Bowie: David Jones
    Greta Garbo: Greta Gustafsson
    Woody Allen: Allen Konigsberg
    Fred Astaire; Fred Austerlitz
    Lucille Ball: Dianne Belmont
    Anne Bancroft: Anne Italiano
    Jack Benny: Joseph Kubelsky
    Yul Brynner: Taidje Kahn, Jr.
    George Burns: Nat Birnbaum
    Michael Caine: Maurice Mickelwhite
    Joan Crawford: Lucille Le Sueur
    Rodney Dangerfield: John Cohen
    John Denver: Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr.
    Wemer Erhard: Jack Rosenberg
    Douglas Fairbanks: Julius Ullman
    Redd Foxx: John Sanford
    Mel Brooks: Mel Kaminsky

Wednesday, February 14, 2001, 8:27:57 AM
Rich Bastard
    From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:

    "The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.

    The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard. Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."


Tuesday, February 13, 2001, 8:04:47 AM
Why Is It?
    Why is it you can get a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance?

    Why is it there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink?

    Why is it drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

    Why is it a disabled combat veteran sleeps in a box on the street while a draft dodger sleeps in the White House?

    Why is it banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

    Why is it we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

    Why is it we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call, from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place?

    Why is it we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

    Why is it they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?


Monday, February 12, 2001, 8:12:44 AM
The Greatest (Muhammad Ali) Speaks
    "Pleasure is not happiness. It has no more importance than a shadow following a man."

    "Everybody's negotiable."

    "I'm so fast I could hit you before God gets the news."

    "When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble."

    "A nation is only as good as its women."

    "My toughest fight was with my first wife."

    [Explaining his retirement] "There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people."

    "I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on."

    "There are no pleasures in a fight, but some of my fights have been a pleasure to win."

    "It's just a job. Grass grows. Birds fly. Waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

    "I'm not only the greatest, I'm the double greatest."

    "When you can whip any man in the world, you never know peace."

    "No one knows what to say in the loser's room."

    "Wars on nations change maps. Wars on poverty map change."

    "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."

    "I fear Allah, thunderstorms, and airplane rides."

    "I'm one black man who got loose."

    "Christianity is a good philosophy if you live it, but it's controlled by white people who preach it but don't practice it. They just organize it and use it any which way they want to."

    "I just said I was the greatest. I never thought I was."


Sunday, February 11, 2001, 2:39:23 PM
The Kid On The Phone
    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

    Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

    "Yes", came the answer.

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

    "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

    "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

    Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."


Saturday, February 10, 2001, 5:39:53 PM
Stand By Your Man
    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

    "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

    "I think you're bad luck."


Friday, February 09, 2001, 7:55:04 AM
Double-Talk
    President Jimmy Carter declared that the failed effort to rescue American hostages in Iran was an "incomplete success."

    The Department of Agriculture decided that ketchup was a vegetable and could "be counted as one of the two vegetables required as part of the school lunch program."

    The Environmental Protection Agency prohibited its employees from using the term "acid rain." Instead, they were told to use the term "poorly buffered precipitation."

    Lewis Thurston, chief of staff for New jersey's governor, Thomas Kean, insisted that "staff members do not have chauffeurs." Rather, they have "aides who drive."

    When it was pointed out that a commercial sponsored by the Republican National Committee misrepresented the facts, a Republican official declared: "Since when is a commercial supposed to be accurate?"

    When American troops in Lebanon were evacuated to ships offshore, Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger claimed this did not constitute a withdrawal. "We are not leaving Lebanon," he said. "The Marines are merely being deployed two or three miles to the west."

    Investigating an accident, the National Transportation Safety Board called an airplane crash "controlled flight into terrain."

    The Pentagon called peace "permanent pre-hostility."

    The CIA called mercenary soldiers hired to fight in Nicaragua "unilaterally controlled Latino assets."

    NASA referred to the Challenger astronauts' bodies as "recovered components," and their coffins as "crew transfer containers."

    Disregarding Due Process of Law, Attorney General Edwin Meese suggested that if a person is arrested, he's almost certainly guilty. "If a person is innocent of a crime," he explained, "he is not a suspect." Then he insisted to a reporter that "I . . . consider myself in the forefront of the civil rights movement in the country today."

    The Defense Department defined a hammer as a "manually powered fastener-driving impact device," a flashlight as an "Emergency Exit Light," and a tent as a "frame-supported tension structure."

    When a missile flew out of control and crashed, the Defense Dept. said it had merely "impacted with the ground prematurely."

    Oliver North said he wasn't lying about his actions in Iran Contra-he was "cleaning up the historical record," and creating a different version from the facts." In discussing a false chronology of events which he helped to construct, North said he "was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth," adding: "I assisted in furthering that version."

    The U.S. Army called killing "servicing the target."

    The U.S. Navy called a limited armed conflict "violent peace."

    South Africa's Deputy Minister for Information set the record straight, commenting that "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation of what newspapers can report."

    Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah explained that "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

    The Chrysler Corporation, on laying off 5,000 workers, said it had simply "initiated a career alternative enhancement program."

    In a report, the U.S. Department of Agriculture called cows, pigs, and chickens "grain-consuming animal units."

    General Motors announced, as it closed an entire plant, that it was making a "volume-related production schedule adjustment."

    The Massachusetts Department of Public Works called road signs "mounted confirmatory route markers."


Thursday, February 08, 2001, 7:06:49 AM
Quotes from Buckminster Fuller
    It seems that truth is progressive approximation in which the relative fraction of our spontaneously tolerated residual error constantly diminishes.

    Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.

    Don't oppose forces, use them.

    God, to me . . . is a verb, not a noun, proper or improper.

    The end move in politics is to pick up a gun.


Wednesday, February 07, 2001, 6:15:14 AM
Ode To A Mammogram
    For years 'n years they told me,
    "Be careful of your breasts.
    Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
    And give them monthly tests."

    So I heeded all their warnings
    And protected them by Law...
    Guarded them very carefully,
    And always wore a bra,

    After 30 years of careful care,
    The doctor found a lump,
    He ordered up a mammogram
    To look inside that clump.

    "Stand up very close," she said,
    As she got my tit in line,
    "And tell me when it hurts," she said,
    "Ah yes! There! That's just fine."

    She stepped upon a pedal...
    I could not believe my eyes!
    A plastic plate was pressing down...
    My boob was in a vice!

    My skin was stretched 'n stretched
    From way up by my chin,
    And my poor tit was being squashed
    To Swedish pancake thin!

    Excruciating pain I felt,
    Within its vice-like grip,
    A prisoner in this vicious thing,
    My poor defenseless tit!

    "Take a deep breath" she said to me
    Who does she think she's kidding?
    My chest is smashed in her machine,
    I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

    "There, that was good," I heard her say
    As the room was slowly swaying,
    "Now let's get the other one."
    "Lord, have mercy," I was praying.

    It squeezed me from the up and down,
    It squeezed me from both sides,
    I'll bet she's never had this done
    To her tender little hide!

    If I had no problem when I came in,
    I surely have one now...
    If there had been a cyst in there,
    It would have popped ker-pow!

    This machine was made by man,
    Of this I have no doubt,
    I'd like to get his balls in there,
    For months he'd go "without"!


Tuesday, February 06, 2001, 7:20:22 AM
The Gift Of Gloves
    A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his sweetheart's birthday as they just started dating. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note. Romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to his local department store and bought a pair of white gloves -- the sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

    During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items - the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
    with the following note:

    My Darling Laura,

    I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones which are easier to remove.

    These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try on yours for me and they looked smart.

    I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

    When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

    Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

    I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

    All my love, Johnny

    P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.


Monday, February 05, 2001, 6:13:18 AM
A Small Miracle
    A priest is driving and gets stopped on the highway for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


Sunday, February 04, 2001, 5:18:03 PM
The Pirate's Tale
    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

    The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

    "Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

    "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

    "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

    "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."


Saturday, February 03, 2001, 1:15:45 AM
The Dyslexic Rabbi
    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

    He walks around saying "Yo."


Friday, February 02, 2001, 6:44:48 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, have set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.

    Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabe?"

    The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Thursday, February 01, 2001, 7:08:26 AM
Little Old Lady In The Sex Shop
    A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Y-y-young man, d-d-do y-you sell d-d-dildoes h-here?"

    The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

    The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

    "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

    Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

    "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

    "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

    "Yes ma'am, one of them does."

    "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?



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