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Graffiti Board Archive
March 2001


Saturday, March 31, 2001, 1:34:33 AM
Believe In Yourself
    You have to believe in yourself, that's the secret. Even when I was in the orphanage, when I was roaming the street trying to find enough to eat, even then I thought of myself as the greatest actor in the world.

    Charlie Chaplin


Friday, March 30, 2001, 6:50:41 AM
Nuts
    What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

    Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.


Thursday, March 29, 2001, 6:36:27 AM
The Graduate
    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Wednesday, March 28, 2001, 7:07:28 AM
The Funeral Procession
    One fall day a man was out raking the leaves in his yard and he noticed a funeral procession going by. There were two hearses, followed by a man walking slowly with a dog on a leash, followed by about 200 men walking in single file. With respect, he removed his cap and approached the man with the dog and asked, "Who is in the hearse?"

    The man answered, "My wife. My dog bit her and she died."

    "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that," said the leaf-raker. "Who is in the other hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she also died."

    "Wow," said the inquisitive man. "Can I borrow your dog?"

    The gentleman pointed to the back of the funeral procession and said, "Get in line!"


Tuesday, March 27, 2001, 6:15:33 AM
Pumpin' the Pumpkin
    Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

    The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

    Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he was . . . just working away at this pumpkin."

    Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got very surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn . . . is it midnight already?'"


Monday, March 26, 2001, 6:25:38 AM
Ad in the New York Times
    FOR SALE BY OWNER:
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent Condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Sunday, March 25, 2001, 6:35:11 AM
Nice Jewish Boy
    Abram comes to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I have a greatest sorrow to tell you. I have a son, a nice Jewish boy, as you know, and I rased him by the laws of Tora and he went to Yeshiva, but he grew up, baptized and became Christian."

    And the Rabbi says, "Abram, your are not going to believe this, but I also have a son, a nice Jewish boy, and I rased him by the laws of Tora and he went to Yeshiva and he grew up, baptized and became Christian. Let us pray."

    As they kneel and start to pray, all of the sudden there is thunder and lightning and they hear a deep voice from above, "You are not going to believe this guys, but I also have a son, a nice Jewish boy . . . ."


Saturday, March 24, 2001, 4:46:42 PM
Quotes From Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
    "What passes for culture in my head is really a bunch of commercials."

    "Laughing or crying is what a human being does when there's nothing else he can do."

    "It strikes me as gruesome and comical that in our culture we have an expectation that a man can always solve his problems. This is so untrue that it makes me want to laugh -- or cry.

    "People don't come to church for preachments, of course, but to daydream about God."

    "The canary bird in the coal mine theory of the arts: Artists should be treasured as alarm systems."

    "People need good lies. There are too many bad ones."

    "Thinking doesn't seem to help very much. The human brain is too high-powered to have many practical uses in this particular universe."

    "We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane."

    "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, then finds himself no wiser than before."

    "Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae."

    "I can think of no more stirring symbol of man's humanity to man than a fire engine."

    "There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope they are organized along the lines of the Mafia."

    "Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith. I consider a capacity for it terrifying."

    "We are what we pretend to be."


Friday, March 23, 2001, 8:10:32 AM
Heaven
    A man and his wife were driving home one night and ran into a bridge abutment and both were killed. They arrived in heaven and found it was a beautiful golf course with a lovely clubhouse and fabulous greens and free and only for them, and the husband said, "You want to play a round?"

    She said, "Sure," and they teed off on the first hole. The husband was looking unhappy, so she asked, "What's wrong?"

    He said, "You know, if it hadn't been for your stupid oat bran, we could have been here years ago."


Thursday, March 22, 2001, 6:23:15 AM
Last Request
    Mary goes up to Father O'Sullivan after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

    She says, "Yes, he did, Father . . ."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

    She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun . . . "


Wednesday, March 21, 2001, 6:48:11 AM
Holy Water
    Q. How do Catholics make holy water?

    A. They boil the hell out of it.


Tuesday, March 20, 2001, 6:45:54 AM
Pigs
    Farmer Brown thought it was time they had some piglets around the farm to liven things up, so he got on the phone with Farmer Jones and they made arrangements to get Bessie and Ernie together.

    Brown asked Jones how would he know if the sow was pregnant. Jones said, "She'll be wallowing in the mud the day after."

    Brown loaded Bessie into his truck and brought her over to the Jonses and the two pigs spent a rollicking good time together.

    The next morning, Brown went to the window and was disappointed to see Bessie in the grass, not the mud. He loaded her on the truck again and took her over to the Jones farm, and the pigs made merry again.

    The next morning, Brown looked out the window and Bessie was still in the grass.

    Brown figured he'd give it one more try, loaded Bessie into the truck, and brought her to the Jones farm. The pigs went at it again.

    Next morning Brown said to the wife, "Well, is she in the grass?"

    "No," says the wife. "She's in the truck!"


Monday, March 19, 2001, 6:49:00 AM
J. Edgar Hoover Speaks:
    "Justice is incidental to law and order."

Sunday, March 18, 2001, 11:46:44 AM
Singles Night At The Grocery
    This woman goes into the grocery store. She pickes up one piece of chicken, one vegetable, one can of soda, and a desert for one. When she takes all this stuff to the checkout counter, the store clerk -- looking at her items, then at her, says, "So, uh, you must be single, huh?"

    The lady gets a little smile on her face and says, "Why yes, how did you know that?"

    And the store clerk says, "'Cause you're freakin' ugly!"


Saturday, March 17, 2001, 10:17:17 AM
Scientists
    A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

    The Physicist says, "The initial measurement was not accurate."

    The Biologists says, "They have reproduced."

    The Mathematician concludes, "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."


Friday, March 16, 2001, 6:29:35 AM
John Wayne Quotes
    "Westerns are closer to art than anything else in the motion picture business."

    "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from [the Indians]. There were great numbers of people who needed new land and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

    [About women] "They have a right to work wherever they want to-as long as they have dinner ready when you get home."

    "There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once, but it didn't do anything to me."


Thursday, March 15, 2001, 6:27:18 AM
Collateral
    A very well dressed gentleman goes into a Manhattan bank, parking his car directly in front of the bank. He requests a short term loan of $2,000 from the loan officer at the bank. The bank officer asks him what kind of collateral he can offer to secure the loan. The gentleman tells him he has a Rolls Royce parked outside. The bank officer tells him that would be fine and he completes the paperwork. The gentleman takes the money and asks the bank fellow where he should leave his car. He is told to simply pull the car into the underground parking garage and leave it there.

    After two weeks, the man returns to the bank to pay back the loan with interest and claim his car. He is told what the interest on the $2,000 loan will be $15.64. The man gladly pays the interest with the principal amount.

    The bank officer asks, "By the way, what was the purpose of this loan, sir? We like to keep records on these thing."

    The gentleman answers, "I really didn't need the money, but where else can you park your car in New York for only fifteen bucks for two weeks?"


Wednesday, March 14, 2001, 6:37:30 AM
Moliere
    "Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for the love of it. Then you do it for a few friends. And finally, you do it for money."

Tuesday, March 13, 2001, 6:42:26 AM
God Lights The Way
    An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

    The old guy replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

    The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

    The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

    The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

    "Yep," the old man said. "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

    Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he told her, "I just want you to know, your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for him."

    "Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been pissing in the refrigerator!"


Monday, March 12, 2001, 6:37:33 AM
Getting Old
    Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

    Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

    Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

    You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

    You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

    One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

    Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.

    God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

    I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

    Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

    Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

    Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

    Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.


Saturday, March 10, 2001, 6:07:24 PM
Quotes From Lily Tomlin
    "No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up."

    "There will be sex after death; we just won't be able to feel it"

    "The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

    "For fast acting relief, try slowing down."

    "If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"

    "Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying-but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"

    "If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed."

    "The best mind-altering drug is truth."

    "If something's true, you don't have to believe in it."

    "You are what you think . . . Geez, that's frightening."

    "Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world."

    "I had a friend who was getting married. I gave her a subscription to Modern Bride. The subscription lasted longer than the marriage."

    "If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"

    "What most distinguishes us humans from lower animals is our desire to take drugs."

    "Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

    "We're all in this alone."

    "What goes up must come down . . . but don't expect it to land where you can find it -- Murphy's Law applied to Newton's."

    "Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool."


Friday, March 09, 2001, 6:53:56 AM
Peter, Peter (a golden oldie)
    Christ is upon the cross and Peter and the disciples are in the crowd below. Suddenly Peter hears Jesus calling out his name, "Peter . . . Peter . . . Peter . . . " Peter breaks from the crowd and rushes toward the crosses on the hillside.

    A centurion sees Peter, approaches him, and chops off his left arm, sending Peter rolling down the hill and back into the crowd.

    A moment later, Jesus calls again, "Peter . . . Peter . . . Peter . . . " Peter again rushes the guards and again is met by a centurion, who this time chops off his right arm and sends him rolling back down the hill.

    This happens again and again with the results that Peter loses both his legs.

    Finally, Peter, laying bloody and limbless at the bottom of the hill hears Christ again crying out, "Peter . . . Peter . . . " Peter manages to slowly roll himself through the crowd and up the hill. The head centurion, sensing Peter's loyalty and dedication, finally instructs his guards to let the disciple through.

    At last, Peter lays at the foot of the cross, looking up a Christ. He smiles through his pain and speaks.

    "Yes Lord?"

    "Peter . . . Peter . . . I can see your house from up here."


Thursday, March 08, 2001, 6:26:24 AM
McGregor
    A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man.

    Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

    Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

    Then the old man points out the window.

    "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

    Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

    "But ya screw one goat..."


Wednesday, March 07, 2001, 6:36:18 AM
Quotes From Yogi Berra
    "It's deja vu all over again."

    "We made too many wrong mistakes."

    "The game's not over 'til it's over."

    "You give 100% in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left."

    "I really didn't say everything I said."

    "It's so crowded, nobody goes there anymore."

    "If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."

    On being honored with a Yogi Berra Night: "I want to thank all you people for making this night necessary."

    Asked, during spring training, what his hat size was: "I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."

    "You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

    "We have deep depth."

    On seeing a Steve McQueen movie: "He must have made that before he died."

    "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats . . . After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

    On meeting King George IV: "Nice to meet you, King."

    "Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical."

    "It gets late early out there."


Tuesday, March 06, 2001, 6:26:32 AM
Thibodaux
    A middle aged couple were driving through Louisanna on their way to visit some relatives in Texas. They both noticed a sign for the town of Thibodaux. This started a disagreement as to the correct pronunciation of the town. When they got to the exit, they decided to stop for lunch and find out who was right. They got into the restaurant and asked the gentleman taking their order if he could pronounce, slowly, just where they were. The man seemed a bit confused, but leaned forward and whispered, "Brrrrr Grrrrrr King."

Monday, March 05, 2001, 6:21:40 AM
The Pope In Heaven
    The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

    He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent texts to the original scriptures.

    All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."

    A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

    After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"


Sunday, March 04, 2001, 1:37:48 PM
TravelSpeak
    Travel brochures use a language all their own. Here's what they mean"

    Old world charm ........................ No bath

    Tropical ............................... Rainy

    Majestic setting ....................... A long way from town

    Options galore ......................... Nothing is included in the itinerary

    Secluded hideaway ...................... Impossible to find or get to

    Pre-registered rooms ................... Already occupied

    Explore on your own .................... Pay for it yourself

    Knowledgeable trip hosts ............... They've flown in an airplane before

    No extra fees .......................... No extras

    Nominal fee ............................ Outrageous charge

    Standard ............................... Sub-standard

    Deluxe ................................. Standard

    Superior ............................... One free shower cap

    Cozy ................................... Small

    All the amenities ...................... Two free shower caps

    Plush .................................. Top and bottom sheets

    Gentle breezes ......................... Occasional Gale-force winds

    Light and airy ......................... No air conditioning

    Picturesque ............................ Theme park nearby

    Open bar ............................... Free ice cubes

    Concierge .............................. Stand with tourist brochures

    Continental breakfast .................. Free muffin


Saturday, March 03, 2001, 8:39:02 AM
Quotes From Henry David Thoreau
    "Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes."

    "It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things."

    "If Christ should appear on Earth, he would be denounced as a mistaken, misguided man, insane and crazed."

    "It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak, and one to listen."

    "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

    "What men call social virtues, good fellowship, is commonly but the virtue of pigs in a litter, which lie close together to keep each other warm."

    "It is only when we forget all our learning that we begin to know."

    "Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life."

    "Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something."

    "The highest condition of art is artlessness."

    "What man believes, God believes."

    "A man is rich in proportion of the number of things he can afford to let alone."

    "Business! I think there is nothing--not even crime--more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, to life itself, than this incessant business."

    "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."

    "Not until we are lost--in other words, not until we have lost the world do we begin to find ourselves."

    "Simplify, simplify."


Friday, March 02, 2001, 7:07:02 AM
Locked Out
    A man comes home from work one day, and finds all of his belongings scattered across the front lawn of his home, puzzled and angry he tries to go into the house to ask his wife what had happened. The man tried to open the front door, but found it had been latched from the inside.

    The man then yelled to his wife, "Open up this door and let me in, I want to talk to you!"

    His wife replied, "No, you go away!"

    He then yelled again, "God dammit, you open up this door right now, and explain why all my stuff is all over the front yard!"

    "I can't let you in," the young woman yelled back, "You're a Pedophile!"

    "What the hell are you talking about," said the husband to his wife, "and where did an eight-year-old learn such a big word!"


Thursday, March 01, 2001, 7:43:01 AM
Little Johnnie
    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

    "It's a period," reported Johnnie.

    "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

    "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, " but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."



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