| || |
Graffiti Board Archive
Monday, April 30, 2001, 7:35:56 AM
On The Bus
A teenager climbs on a city bus. The kid has spiked hair colored green, yellow, and orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of rags, and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on. His entire face and body are riddled with piercing jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright, yellow, and adorned with colored feathers. The young fellow sits down in a vacant seat, which happens to be directly across the aisle from an old man who stares at the kid for the next ten miles.
Finally, the self-conscious kid yells out, "What are you looking at, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without so much as blinking, the old man replies, "Well, yes, I did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I've just been sitting here thinking that you might be my son."
Sunday, April 29, 2001, 9:42:54 AM
Quotes from George Burns
"To be perfectly honest, I don't think acting is very hard. They say the most important thing to be able to do is laugh and cry. Well, if I have to cry think of my sex life, and if I have to laugh, I think of my sex life."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
"By the time you're eighty years old, you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."
"I must be getting absentminded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I forget to include myself."
"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I don't believe in dying-it's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now-I'm booked."
"I smoke cigars because at my age, if I don't have something to hold onto, I might fall down."
"Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples."
"If you live to the age of a hundred, you've got it made, because very few people die past the age of a hundred."
"I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"Critics are eunuchs at a gangbang."
Saturday, April 28, 2001, 9:06:23 AM
Peter is worried that his penis is too small so he notices in shower room that his friend Les is well endowed. He asks Les his secret of having such a large penis.
Les answers him by saying, "When you get home whack your penis off the banister three times and this is how it becomes big and strong!"
That night Peter went home and tried it. He unzipped his pants and whacked his dick off the banister.
After this he heard his wife call from upstairs, "Is that you Les?"
Friday, April 27, 2001, 7:29:22 AM
Three blonds walk into a bar and appear to be very happy about something.
"I can't believe we did it in only 120 days!," the first one says.
"The drinks are on me!" the second one says.
"No, the drinks are on me! I can't believe we did it in only 120 days!" the third one says.
The bartender is curious and asks, "What are you celebrating?"
One of the blonds replies, "We put a jigsaw puzzle together in only 120 days and on the side of the box it says from 3 to 5 years!"
Thursday, April 26, 2001, 7:05:26 AM
I Can't Feel My Legs
A guy wakes up in a hospital bed. He says, "Doc, I can't feel my legs."
The doctor says, "That's because we amputated both of your arms."
Wednesday, April 25, 2001, 6:32:58 AM
Three Dead Guys
Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven, and St. Peter asks each one, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher, who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Tuesday, April 24, 2001, 6:52:35 AM
At The Barber's
So this guy goes in to his barber and he's all excited. He says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope."
The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people."
So the guy goes to Rome and comes back and the barber says, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope."
"You met the Pope?" said the barber.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, where did you get that crummy haircut?'"
Monday, April 23, 2001, 7:57:16 AM
Duck In A Bar
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you got any duck food?"
"No," says the bartender.
Next day, the duck walks in again and asks, "Have you got any duck food?"
"I told you yesterday. No!" says the bartender.
Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any duck food?"
The bartender says, "Look, duck, I didn't have any yesterday or the day before. I don't have any duck food. And if you come in tomorrow and ask for duck food, I'll nail your bill to the bar."
Next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Have you got any nails?"
"No," says the bartender.
"OK," says the duck, "Have you got any duck food?"
Sunday, April 22, 2001, 5:37:46 PM
The Nuns At The Gate
When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Saturday, April 21, 2001, 7:40:22 PM
Teaching The Chief English
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and tells the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
The chief grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people?
The chief replies, "My bike."
Saturday, April 21, 2001, 7:30:33 PM
The Graffiti Board was dormant for Spring Break, but is now back. Sorry if you missed us.
Thursday, April 12, 2001, 9:19:54 AM
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket. There were snails all over the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Wednesday, April 11, 2001, 9:39:31 PM
The Priest & The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. One evening over a cup of coffee the priest turned to the rabbi and said, "My friend, we've known each other for a long time and there's something I've always wondered. Have you ever tasted ham?"
"Well," said the rabbi looking a little sheepish, "I must admit, when I was a very young man and curious, I tasted some ham. Now tell me, my old friend," the rabbi said to the priest, "there's something I've always wondered, have you ever been with a woman?"
"My friend," answered the priest, "I must confess, when I was a young man, before I entered the priesthood, yes, I have been with a woman."
The rabbi smiled at the priest and said, "It's better than ham, isn't it."
Tuesday, April 10, 2001, 6:49:13 AM
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What? What? What?
Monday, April 09, 2001, 6:30:12 AM
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world."
The sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is crystal clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water!
Sunday, April 08, 2001, 8:37:24 AM
The Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh . . . she got fired too."
Saturday, April 07, 2001, 4:10:12 PM
Quotes From Winston Churchill
"If you have an important point, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time a tremendous whack."
"It is a mistake to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time."
"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
"Eating words has never given me indigestion."
"I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
"It is a fine thing to be honest, but it is also important to be right."
"Never turn your back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never!"
Friday, April 06, 2001, 6:33:58 AM
A Hollywood stage mom walks down the street, pushing her son in a stroller.
Another woman walks by and says, "Oh, what a beautiful baby!"
The mom says, "This is nothing - you should see his pictures!"
Thursday, April 05, 2001, 6:19:41 AM
Two Blonds at the Lake
Two blonds are on opposite sides of the lake. One calls across to the other, "How do I get to the other side?"
The other calls back, "You are on the other side!"
Wednesday, April 04, 2001, 7:07:23 AM
The Chicken That Sits
What kind of chicken sits around all day?
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Tuesday, April 03, 2001, 6:30:48 AM
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped, but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's cojones were much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True," said the waiter. "You see, the bull, he does not always lose!"
Monday, April 02, 2001, 6:28:17 AM
At The Doctor
A guy goes to his doctor. He's got a carrot sticking out of one ear, a stick of celery out of the other and an asparagus stalk sticking out of each nostril. He complains "Doc, I feel really, really terrible. What do you think is wrong?"
The doctors looks him up and down for a long time and finally says "First of all, I can tell you're not eating right."
Sunday, April 01, 2001, 9:39:51 AM
I think this is the best one of this type of email quizzes I've seen yet! You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it won't work. It's really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!
First, get a pen and paper.
Second, write the numbers one through six.
Next to number one, write any other number.
Next to number two, write the name of any celebrity to whom you are really attracted.
Next to three, write down the first color you can think of.
Next to number four, write the name of your first pet.
Next to number five and six write down the names of family members.
Remember, no cheating!
Keep scrolling down.
Don't cheat, or you'll be upset.
DON'T SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DO THE ABOVE!
Here's the answers.
The number next to number one show how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything.
The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this.
The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for Christsake.
Number four gives you the name of a dead animal.
Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrased to be related to you.
Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck too.
Return to Graffiti Board
Return to Brain Planet home page Count=2872