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Graffiti Board Archive
May 2001


Thursday, May 31, 2001, 6:26:19 AM
Mutual Orgasm
    Two elderly widows are sitting on a park bench. "You know," says the first, "I've been reading this "Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, when your husband was alive, did you two have mutual orgasm?"

    "No," says the other one, "I think we had Allstate."


Wednesday, May 30, 2001, 7:04:30 AM
Wives
    "Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."

    My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. --Henny Youngman

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --Milton Berle

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --George Burns

    I bought my wife a new car. She called and said there was water in the carburetor. I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman

    Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. --Phyllis Diller

    The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

    I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

    My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

    A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

    Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

    A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.

    The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

    A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

    A man marries a woman thinking that she will never change. But she does. A woman marries a man thinking that she can change him. But she doesn't.

    If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

    It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

    Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

    A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

    Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

    How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

    Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

    First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky -- mine's still alive.


Tuesday, May 29, 2001, 6:45:48 AM
Eve
    Adam was walking around in the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

    Adam said he did not have anyone to talk to.

    God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will agree with your every decision. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and always be the first to admit she was wrong."

    Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"

    God replied, "An arm and a leg."

    Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Monday, May 28, 2001, 8:33:34 AM
Gynecologist Auto Mechanic
    A gynecologist tired of his work. He really wanted to become an auto mechanic, but it seemed foolish to close a thriving practice and go into a field he was untrained for. So, he signed up for a night course on auto mechanics at the technical college.

    For the final exam, he was required to tear down an engine and put it back together. He thought he did really well, but was eager to find out his grade. He stopped by the college the following day where the grades were posted. He looked down the list -- a 90, 74, 100, 85. He got to his grade -- 150 -- the only grade over 100. He went to the instructor and asked why he was the only student to get a grade over 100.

    "Well," the professor replied, "I gave you 50 points for the way you took the engine apart. I've never seen an engine torn down more carefully. And I gave you 50 points for the way you put it back together. I believe it ran better after you had worked on it than when it was new. Finally, I gave you 50 bonus points for doing all the work through the tailpipe."


Sunday, May 27, 2001, 5:36:56 PM
The Nun At The Bar
    Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

    "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the Devil!"

    Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"

    "My Mother Superior told me so!"

    "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

    "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself."

    "Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life."

    "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

    "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know."

    The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

    "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "...and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

    "Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?"


Saturday, May 26, 2001, 6:03:29 PM
Looks Like Plastic
    A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

    Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?"

    The drunk replied, "Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

    The guy said, "Let me take a look."

    So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

    The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."


Saturday, May 26, 2001, 7:33:17 AM
On The Tracks
    Over lunch two fellas were talking about what they each did this past week end. One guy tells the other that he was walking along the rail road track when he found a girl with a great body tied up on the tracks. He took her home and had the best sex he ever ever had in his life with her. It lasted all week end and was simply the very best.

    The other fellow asked if she gave good blow jobs.

    He answered: "Nope -- I never did find her head on the tracks."


Friday, May 25, 2001, 6:22:55 AM
Meditate On This
    Why did the buddhist tell the dentist not to give him any novacaine when he filled his tooth?

    He was trying to transcend dental medication.


Thursday, May 24, 2001, 6:27:14 AM
Doe -- A Dear
    What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?

    "Boy, I'll never do that again for two bucks."


Wednesday, May 23, 2001, 6:29:37 AM
I Drink,Therefore I Am
    Rene Descartes was in a bar. At last call, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not." And he disappears.

Tuesday, May 22, 2001, 6:40:26 AM
1958
    The old retired General goes into the base hospital for his annual physical. "Any complaints about your physical condition?" the doctor asks.

    "My sex life isn't as good and often as it used to be!" complains the General.

    "When was the last time you had sexual relations?" asked the doctor.

    "1958!" said the General.

    "Well, no wonder," said the doctor. "That's an awfully long time ago."

    The General replied, "Whaddya mean? It's only a little after 2100 right now!"


Monday, May 21, 2001, 6:47:25 AM
Married To God
    A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

    "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

    "Can you pay in cash?"

    "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

    "Do you have any close relatives, then?"

    "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

    "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

    "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."


Friday, May 18, 2001, 7:18:51 AM
Got A Dog House?
    A man sees that someone is moving into the house next door to him, so he goes over to meet his new neighbor. He says, "What brings you to our town?"

    The neighbor replies, "My job. I'm a professor of deductive reasoning at the university."

    And the man says, "What exactly is deductive reasoning?"

    So the neighbor explains, "I'll give you an example. You have a doghouse, so I deduce you have a dog."

    "Right."

    "And then I can deduce that you have kids."

    "Correct."

    "From that I can deduce that you have a wife."

    "Yes."

    "And from that I can deduce you are a heterosexual."

    And the man says, "OK, I see."

    They finish talking and the man goes and talks to his other neighbor. "I was just talking to the new neighbor."

    "Oh yeah?"

    "Yeah, he's a professor of deductive reasoning."

    "What's that?"

    "I'll give you an example: do you have a doghouse?"

    "No."

    "Homo!"


Thursday, May 17, 2001, 8:23:59 AM
Three Shots
    This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He drinks all three. He does day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you."

    The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I have two brothers--they're over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right here is for Finnian and this onehere is for Fergus, and this one is for me. This way I can feel like we here together having a drink."

    He comes in day after day after day, the bartender sets up three glasses. And then one day, the guy says, "Only give me two shots today."

    "What happened? Did something happen to one of your brothers?" the bartender asked.

    "No, no, no," the guy said. "They're okay. It's just that I decided to quit drinking."


Wednesday, May 16, 2001, 7:17:08 AM
The Engineer & The Manager
    A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

    The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, floating 30 feet above this field."

    "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

    "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

    The man below says, "You must be in management."

    "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


Tuesday, May 15, 2001, 7:43:30 AM
Trouble Coming
    A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender gives him one. He drinks it, and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one, and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He drinks that, and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."

    And the bartender says, "When's this trouble going to start?"

    The man says, "A soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."


Monday, May 14, 2001, 6:39:20 AM
Matzoh
    A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating matzoh. Soon a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes...looked puzzled...and finally said, "Who wrote this crap?"

Sunday, May 13, 2001, 5:04:57 PM
Douglas Adams, RIP
    Science fiction humor writer Douglas Adams died on May 11 of a heart attack, He was 49 years old. Here are some of his quotes:

    "In the beginning the universe was created. This has widely been regarded as a bad move."

    "How do I know the past is not a fiction conceived to reconcile the difference between my state of mind and the present."

    "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty."

    "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."

    "A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

    "Don't Panic."


Saturday, May 12, 2001, 10:01:12 AM
True Courtroom Humor
    Judge: I know you, don't I?
    Defendant: Uh, yes.
    Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
    Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
    Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
    Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

    From a defendant representing himself...
    Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
    Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
    Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

    Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
    Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

    Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
    Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
    Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
    Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

    Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
    Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
    Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
    Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

    Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
    Witness: I didn't see no fight.
    Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
    Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

    Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
    Judge: And why is that?
    Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
    Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
    Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

    Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
    Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

    Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
    Judge: Of course.
    Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
    Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
    Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
    Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
    Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.


Friday, May 11, 2001, 6:51:29 AM
Bill and Hillary
    Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
    However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

    In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner.

    After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.
    Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself
    not to do it again."

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

    They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

    Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."


Thursday, May 10, 2001, 6:32:06 AM
There Once Was A Monk
    There once was a monk in Siberia
    Whose ways were very inferior
    He did to a nun what he shouldn't have done
    And made her a Mother Superior.

Wednesday, May 09, 2001, 7:04:33 AM
Fast!
    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

    The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

    The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

    The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"


Tuesday, May 08, 2001, 7:04:09 AM
Friars
    A group of Friars were behind on their mortgage payments on the abbey, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise money. Since everyone in town liked to buy flowers from the "Men of God," the rival florist across town saw his business take a tumble and thought the competition unfair.

    The rival florist called and asked the good Friars to close down, but they refused. He personally went to the abbey to plead with the Friars, but they ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the Friars to get out of the florist business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and meanest thug in town to "persuade" the Friars to close.

    Hugh went over to the abbey, beat the Friars up, trashed the shop, and left saying he'd be back if the Friars didn't close their florist business.

    Terrified, the Friars did so, thereby proving (sorry), "That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars."


Monday, May 07, 2001, 6:53:24 AM
The Golf Angel Appears
    "Tell me, Angel, are there golf courses in heaven?"

    "I have good news, and I have bad news..."

    "What's the good news?"

    "The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

    "That's wonderful. What's the bad news?"

    "You'll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning."


Sunday, May 06, 2001, 10:28:58 PM
Tell It To The Judge
    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

    "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

    "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

    He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."


Saturday, May 05, 2001, 6:39:18 PM
Foolproof
    A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. --Douglas Adams

Friday, May 04, 2001, 6:49:06 AM
Mommy, Mommy
    A blonde girl comes home from school and exclaims, "Mommy! Mommy! We had to recite the alphabet today and I was the only one in class who got all the way from A to Z."

    "That's great, honey" Mom says. "That's because you're the sweetest, prettiest girl in class."

    The next day the excited blond girl comes home brimming with pride and squeals "Mommy! Mommy! Today we counted numbers and I was the only one in class to get all the way to one-hundred!"

    "That's great, honey" her mother repeats. "That's because you're sweetest most precious girl in class."

    Next day, the blonde girl comes running home: "Mommy! Mommy! Today we measured stuff and I was the tallest one in class!" she said with pride. "Is that because I'm the sweetest most precious girl?" she asked.

    "No, honey, it's because you're 27." said Mom.


Thursday, May 03, 2001, 8:38:45 AM
The Mistress
    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

    His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

    The wife says, "That's it, I want a divorce."

    "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

    Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.

    "Ours is prettier," says the wife.


Wednesday, May 02, 2001, 6:40:25 AM
The Drunk & The Nun
    A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her
    and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and
    screaming, " You're not so tough tonight are you Batman!"

Tuesday, May 01, 2001, 7:53:01 AM
Hay!
    A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

    "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

    "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

    "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

    Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

    Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

    "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."



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