Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
June 2001

Saturday, June 30, 2001, 8:30:19 AM
The Roughest Woman In The Brothel
    A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.

    "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."

    "Fine," said the lumberjack, "and tell her to bring a couple of beers."

    In due time, Mary appeared, and she was indeed rough looking. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.

    "No, no!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!"

    "Sure, Pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open these beers first."

Friday, June 29, 2001, 6:41:52 AM
911 Call
    "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

    "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

    "No! This is her husband."

Thursday, June 28, 2001, 10:54:44 AM
The Kid At The Door
    A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door. The door opens, and there stands a 12 year old boy wearing a tutu, with a martini in one hand and a cigar in the other. The salesman asks, "Is your mom or dad home?"

    The kid answers,"What do you think?"

Wednesday, June 27, 2001, 7:49:01 AM
Atomic Humor
    A neutron walks into a bar and orders a martini.

    When the bartender hands him the drink, the neutron asks, "How much do I owe you?"

    The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Tuesday, June 26, 2001, 7:02:13 AM
Canada Dry
    The day after St. Paddy's day, Seamus O'Malley, looking a wee bit green, went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor took one look at him and said: "Seamus, you look horrible. You need to start drinkin Canada Dry."

    So the next day, he flew over there.

Monday, June 25, 2001, 9:43:23 AM
On The Freeway
    A man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

    "It's not just ONE car," said the man, "It's hundreds of them!"

Sunday, June 24, 2001, 1:39:55 PM
The Jar
    A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

    The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

    The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the jar open!"

Saturday, June 23, 2001, 8:20:40 AM
The Piano Player
    A classy bar decided that having a piano player would be good for business, so they put out a sign saying "WANTED --- PIANO PLAYER". All the next day, the employees, the bartender, and the owner listened to various pianists who came in for an audition.

    Near the end of daylight, they hadn't heard a single player who was any good, and they were about to take the WANTED sign out of the window and get the bar ready for the nightime customers, when a neatly dressed fellow walked in and asked if he could audition.

    "What the hell," the owner replied, "I guess we have time for one more."

    The man sat down at the piano and started off with a hauntingly beautiful ballad, sad, and full of expression. When he was finished, there was stunned silence in the bar, and then the assembled employees broke into wild applause.

    "That was INCREDIBLE!", said the owner. "Who wrote that?"

    "I did," the musician replied. "It's called, 'I want to screw you up the arse'"

    After an embarassed silence the bar owner said, "Uh . . . um, can you play us another piece?"

    "Sure . . . try this on for size", replied the pianist. This time, the piece was an up-tempo jazz number, complex and intricate. Again, thunderous applause. Again, the owner asks the name of the piece, and the pianist replies, "It's called, 'I'd like to shoot my hot wad into your ear.'"

    The owner frowns for a moment, and then he gets an idea. "Look," he says, "you can have the job, but I'm going to make a rule right now . . . you can NOT tell any of my customers the names of any of your songs. If you do, I'll fire you on the spot."

    The pianist is not too happy with this idea, but he needs the gig badly, so he agrees.

    The piano player has now been working the bar for about a month, and he has faithfully followed the owner's rule about not telling the patrons the names of his works. He is drawing large crowds, and business is way up at the bar. One night, the audience is so impressed with him, they buy him many drinks. He gets a little tipsy, and decides he has to head for the mens' room to relieve himself. Being rather drunk, he's not to careful about putting himself back together before he leaves the toilet.

    As he walks back toward the bandstand, he notices two good-looking ladies at one of the front table are giggling, and pointing at him. He walks up to their table, and ask them what's so funny.

    One of the ladies answers, "Do you know your fly is open, and your dick is hanging out?"

    He replies, "Know it? Shit, I WROTE IT!"

Friday, June 22, 2001, 6:25:42 AM
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
    Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

    Dr. Suess: Did the chicken cross the road?
    Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes, the chicken crossed the road!
    But why it crossed, I've not been told.

    Ernest Hemmingway: To die! In the rain.

    Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

    Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

    Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was Gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay, and, if you eat chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

    Kenneth Starr: In intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obscruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity, provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional and follow-up investigations have been completed (we also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alledging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any usseful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers).

    Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    Fox Molder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

    Freud: The fact that you all are concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 2001, which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

    Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by Chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

    Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

    Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Thursday, June 21, 2001, 7:39:36 AM
The Sleep Therapist
    A man is discussing his problem with a sleep therapist: "Doc, I have the same dream night after night. I have to drive this semi truck from St. Louis to Dallas. By the time I wake up in the morning, I've gotten no rest at all, and it's all I can do to get through the day."

    "The treatment is simple," said the therapist. "In your next dream, when you reach Tulsa, pull over at the first rest stop you see, and I'll meet you there and drive the truck the rest of the way."

    "You really think that'll work?"

    "Try it tonight and see."

    That night, the man went to sleep and had the same dream. Sure enough, at a rest stop in Tulsa, He pulled over, and there was the therapist waiting for him. The man slept soundly for the rest of the night and woke refreshed and rested the next morning.

    Several days later, the man met a friend of his, who looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. "Every night I have the same dream," he said. "There are five beautiful women who take turns making love to me all night long. By the time I wake up, I've gotten no rest at all."

    "I had the same problem, and went to this sleep therapist, who fixed me right up. Why don't you try him?"

    They parted, and then met again several days later. The other man didn't look any better; if anything he looked worse.

    "Didn't you go to see the sleep therapist like I told you?"

    "Yeah, I did. He took away three of the women, but now he's got me driving this truck from Tulsa to Dallas!"

Wednesday, June 20, 2001, 7:05:02 AM
Honda, Honda, Honda
    Once a man having recurring problems with gas decided the issue was so bad he would consult with his doctor. He told the doctor, "Hey, doc, you know every time I pass wind, it makes this weird sound: 'Honda, honda, honda'."

    The doctor grew contemplative and scratched his head, then asked to look into the man's mouth. The man obliged, and the doctor responded, "A-HA, I have it! My pet theory is correct! Thank you."

    "Well, doc - what was it?"

    "In the back of your mouth is a large abscess, just along the back molars. Thank you again for confirming my theory, sir!"

    "What's your theory?!"

    "Abscess makes the fart go 'honda'."

Tuesday, June 19, 2001, 11:07:59 AM
Too Young
    What do you call a mother who thinks her daughter is too young for birth control information?


Monday, June 18, 2001, 7:54:12 AM
What's She Got?
    An elderly Jewish woman climbs onto the bus and looks for a seat. Seeing no open spot, she approaches a teenage girl and says, "If you knew what I had, you'd offer me your seat." The girl's taken aback, but she figures she'll do the right thing, and she gives up her seat.

    The bus is sweltering in the midsummer heat, and the person next to the old lady has a little battery-operated fan. The old woman looks at him and says, "Oy, if you knew what I had, you'd let me borrow your fan." The man isn't sure what to make of that, but gives her the fan.

    A few blocks later, the woman approaches the bus driver and asks him to stop. "Lady, I can't stop until my next scheduled stop. You can get off there, it's just a few more blocks."

    "Oh," she says, "if you knew what I had, you'd let me off here." The bus driver had seen her get the seat and the fan, and figures he should accommodate her. He stops the bus. The woman gets of the bus and the bus driver shouts after her, "Hey lady, what exactly is it you have, anyway?"

    She turns back and shouts: "Chutzpah!"

Sunday, June 17, 2001, 7:51:54 AM
Jesus Is Watching
    A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

    He hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

    He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!

    A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats, "Jesus is watching you!"

    He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"

    The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you!"

    "Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.

    "I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!"

Saturday, June 16, 2001, 5:45:05 AM
T-shirts & Bumper Stickers
    "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

    "I love cats...they taste just like chicken."

    "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

    "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

    "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

    "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."

    "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

    "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

    "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

    "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

    "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

    "Death to all fanatics!"

    "Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

    "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

    "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

    "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

    "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

    "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

    "Wink, I'll do the rest!"

    "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

    "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

    "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

    "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

    "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

    "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

    "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

    "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

    "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

    "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

    "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

    "He who laughs last thinks slowest."

    "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

    "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."

    "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

    "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

    "i souport publik edekasion"

    "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

    "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

    "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

    "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

    "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

    "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

    "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."

    "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

    "Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off."

    Seen on the back of a loaded horse trailer:

    "Stop reading this and watch where you're driving."

    "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."

    "Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now."

    "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

    "Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."

    "Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity."

    "Confusion not only reigns, it pours."

    "Madness takes it's toll; please have exact change."

    "I use to have a handle on life; then it broke."

Friday, June 15, 2001, 9:39:11 AM
Where Is God?
    A couple had two young sons, 8 and 10 years of age. The boys were very mischievous and if there was any trouble in town, the couple could be assured that their sons were involved. There was a clergyman in town who had a reputation for being able to discipline children. So, the couple decided to send their young sons to talk to the clergyman.

    The clergyman asked to speak to the boys individually. The 8 year old went in first. The clergyman sat him in a chair and asked the boy sternly, "Where is God?"

    The boy made no attempt to answer the question so the clergyman asked him again, this time in an even more stern voice, "Where Is God?"

    The boy still made no attempt to answer so the clergyman asked him in a loud and stern voice, "WHERE IS GOD?"

    At this the boy bolted from the chair and ran home, shutting himself in a closet. The older brother came and asked him, "What is wrong?"

    The younger boy replied, "We are in BIG trouble! God is missing, and they think we have something to do with it!"

Thursday, June 14, 2001, 6:40:10 AM
Three Pregnant Ladies
    Three ladies sitting in a doctors office.

    One says "I'm gonna have a boy cause my husband was on top."

    Another says "I'm gonna have a girl cause I was on top."

    Last one says "Damn, I'm gonna have a puppy."

Wednesday, June 13, 2001, 6:37:14 AM
Burying The Goldfish
    One day Timmy was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate.

    "Whatcha doin?" he asked.

    "My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Timmy replied.

    "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.

    "That's because he's inside your cat!"

Tuesday, June 12, 2001, 9:51:12 AM
Jesus & Samuel
    One day, Jesus noticed that his robe was getting old and frayed. He made inquiries about where to get a new robe and everyone said that Samuel of Jerusalem was the best in town. So Jesus visited Samuel and got measured.

    A week later, he came back and Samuel had made a magnificent robe that fit perfectly. "This robe is terrific! How much do I owe you?" asked Jesus.

    Samuel replied, "It's been an honor to make this robe for you. I couldn't accept money for it. However, if you wanted to, you could mention at your sermons that you got your robe from Samuel of Jerusalem."

    Jesus hit the lecture circuit and at the end of every sermon said, "Say, folks, have you noticed this great robe? I got it from Samuel of Jerusalem."

    Time passed. Jesus noticed that his robe was getting frayed again, so he stopped in to see Samuel the next time he was in town. Samuel was overjoyed to see him. "It's great to see you again! You've been great for my business! I can't keep up with orders. I need to expand my business and would like to go into partnership with you. We could call it 'Samuel and Jesus.'"

    Jesus thought a moment, then said, "How about calling it 'Jesus and Samuel?'"

    They argued for a bit, then compromised on "Lord and Tailor."

Monday, June 11, 2001, 10:57:36 AM
Medical Tests
    Two boys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying; tears were pouring down his face.

    The other boy asked, "Why are you crying?"

    The first one said, "I came here for a blood test."

    The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

    The first boy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

    Hearing this, the second one started crying.

    The first one asked, "Why are you crying?"

    Then the second boy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."

Sunday, June 10, 2001, 6:34:29 AM
Owed Two A Spelling Checker
    Eye halve a spelling checker,
    It came with my pea sea.
    It plainly marks four my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong or write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the error rite
    Its rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it
    I am shore your pleased two no
    Its letter perfect awl the weigh
    My checker tolled me sew.

Saturday, June 09, 2001, 7:28:07 PM
God & St. Francis
    GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is going on down there in the United States? What happened to the all the dandelions, violets, thistles and other stuff I started eons ago? I had the perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are flat patches of green.

    ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They're called "Suburbanites." They call your flowers "weeds" and go to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    GOD: Grass, Frank? But, grass is so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's fussy about changes of temperatures or lack of water. Do these tribes of Suburbanites really want grass growing everywhere?

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

    GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably makes the grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they use a gasoline-powered, air-polluting machine called a mower to cut it -- sometimes two or three times a week.

    GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

    ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

    GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    ST. FRANCIS: No Lord, they don't sell it; just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    GOD: Now let me get this straight... They fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

    ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Lord.

    GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so it will continue to grow so they can keep mowing it and bagging it and then they pay someone to get rid of it.

    GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the Spring to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the Autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they decompose, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's the natural circle of death bringing forth new life.

    ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites toil for hours to rake them into great piles and then they pay to have them hauled away.

    GOD: Your kidding!... No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the Winter to keep the soil moist, nourished and loose?

    ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

    GOD: And where to they get this mulch?

    ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make mulch.

    GOD: Enough!!! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts... What movie have you scheduled for our enjoyment tonight?

    ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

    GOD: Never mind Catherine... I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

Friday, June 08, 2001, 7:16:23 AM
Writer and Pizza
    What is the difference between a writer and a pizza?

    A pizza can feed a family of four.

Thursday, June 07, 2001, 6:38:40 AM
Q&A On Pregnancy
    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
    A: No, 35 children is enough.

    Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

    Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
    A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

    Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
    A: Childbirth.

    Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
    A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
    A: So what's your question?

    Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

    Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
    A: Not unless the words "alimony" and "child support" mean anything to you.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy.

    Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
    A: When the grandchildren start college.

Wednesday, June 06, 2001, 7:40:46 AM
Blond With Walkman
    A lovely blond young woman walked into a hair salon and asked for a haircut. The hairdresser said, "Sure ma'am, but I'll have to ask you to remove your walkman headphones."

    "No," she answers, "Just cut around it."

    The hairdresser is hesitant, but she insists, so he begins. He does all right, but after about 15 minutes he gets frustrated, and just gently picks them up off her head for a quick snip-snip---and boom, she falls over dead. Horrified, he holds the earphones to his own ears to see what it was that was so important, and he hears, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

Tuesday, June 05, 2001, 6:38:23 AM
Topical Humor
    What has four legs and crawls through bars.

    The Bush twins, Jenna & Barbara.

Monday, June 04, 2001, 6:55:19 AM
    Mahatma Gandhi was a great and spiritual man who spent his life walking the length of India and fasting. As a result, he was thin and frail with roughened feet and bad breath caused by the fasting. In fact, he was often referred to as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Sunday, June 03, 2001, 7:01:03 PM
What I Learned About Pennies
    It takes about 8 years to fill a five-gallon water cooler jug with pennies if you put in a handful every day.

    If you fill a water cooler jug with pennies, you will not be able to lift it easily.

    You have to count and roll pennies before you can deposit them at the bank.

    Counting and rolling a water cooler jug of pennies is not a fun job.

    A water cooler jug of pennies makes more rolls than you can carry to the bank in one day.

    Bank tellers do not like it when you deposit lots of pennies, even in rolls, day after day.

    The Coinstar machine at the supermarket will take a water cooler jug of pennies all at once for a 7% commission, and give you a paper receipt that you can cash in for paper money.

    It takes about an hour to feed a water cooler jug of pennies into the Coinstar machine.

    Other people who want to use the Coinstar machine do not have a lot of patience for people with a water cooler jug of pennies.

    A water cooler jug holds $294.91 worth of pennies.

Saturday, June 02, 2001, 6:43:02 AM
For $100 Dollars
    A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes off her.

    The young woman noticed his stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

    Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

    He quickly pulled his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Friday, June 01, 2001, 6:25:23 AM
The C Student Speaks
    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say to you: you, too, can be president of the United States." President George W. Bush, receiving an honorary degree from Yale, his alma mater.

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