Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
July 2001


Tuesday, July 31, 2001, 6:21:04 AM
More Random Thoughts
    I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    I am a nutritional overachiever.

    My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

    I am having an out of money experience.

    I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

    Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

    Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

    A day without sunshine is like night.

    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


Monday, July 30, 2001, 6:47:49 AM
Random Thoughts
    There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

    People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

    It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

    I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

    Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

    Indecision is the key to flexibility.

    It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

    If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

    I don't get even, I get odder.

    In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


Sunday, July 29, 2001, 8:21:41 AM
Amazing Anagram
    "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

    Is an anagram of:

    "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."


Saturday, July 28, 2001, 10:33:57 AM
Actual Statements Gleaned From Seattle High School Test Papers
    "Marie Curie did her research at Sore Buns Institute in France."

    "Men are mammals and women are femammals."

    "Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones."

    "Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure called gross anatomy."

    "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

    "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

    "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

    "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

    "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors."

    "Germinate: to become a naturalized German."

    "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

    "Vacuum: a large, empty space where the pope lives."


Friday, July 27, 2001, 6:29:09 AM
Random Thoughts
    Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

    I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

    Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

    Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

    Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

    Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

    Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

    An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.


Thursday, July 26, 2001, 7:01:50 AM
New State Mottoes
    Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

    Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

    Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

    Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang

    California: As Seen on TV

    Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

    Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

    Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

    Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

    Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

    Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes . . .Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

    Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

    Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

    Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

    Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

    Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

    Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

    Maine: Cheap Lobster

    Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

    Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

    Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

    Minnesota: For Sale

    Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

    Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

    Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

    Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

    Nevada: Whores and Poker!

    New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

    New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

    New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

    New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

    North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

    North Dakota: Um... We've got . . . Um . . . Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

    Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

    Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

    Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

    Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

    Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

    South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

    South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

    Tennessee: The Educashun State

    Texas: Se Hablo Ingles

    Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

    Vermont: Yep

    Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

    Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers

    Washington D.C: Wanna Be Mayor?

    West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

    Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

    Wyoming: Wynot?

    And our 51st State might be Puerto Rico: West Side Story is our Gone with the Wind


Wednesday, July 25, 2001, 6:41:04 AM
Sister Mary
    Sister Mary burst into the office of the parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried to the principal, "just wait until you hear this. I was walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

    "A serious infraction, indeed," said the priest.

    "But that's not what has me so excited, Father," replied the nun. "It was WHAT they were wagering on. They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"

    "What an incredible wager," said the priest. "What did you do?"

    "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father."

    To which the priest replied, "How much did you win?"


Tuesday, July 24, 2001, 6:51:47 AM
Math Humor
    Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a restaurant in Portland, Oregon, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequatewhile Joe maintained that it was surprisingly high.

    "I'll tell you what," said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do. Okay?"

    They agreed, but once he'd left, Joe called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "he's going to ask you a question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that? There's five bucks in it for you."

    She happily agreed to the gag.Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over.

    "The food was wonderful," he started, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

    The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, Joe was starting to sweat when she finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

    Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and an irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."


Monday, July 23, 2001, 7:48:16 AM
Union House
    A dedicated shop steward was at a union convention in Las Vegas and decided to go to a brothel. He asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

    "No, it's not," she replied.

    "So, how much do the girls earn?" the union man asked.

    "Well, if you pay me $100, the house gets $80 and I pay the girl $20."

    The man says, "That's terrible!" stomps out.

    Finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Yes, this is a union house."

    "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "She gets $80."

    "That's great!" the man said. "I'd like Tiffany."

    "I'm sure you would," said the madam, "but Ethel here has seniority."


Sunday, July 22, 2001, 11:40:06 AM
Answering Machine Greetings
    "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

    "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message."

    "Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

    "Hi. Now you say something."

    "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

    "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

    "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

    "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

    "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

    "This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

    "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

    "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

    "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

    "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

    "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you."


Saturday, July 21, 2001, 7:05:08 PM
Quote
    "Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them." --Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

Friday, July 20, 2001, 6:41:56 AM
Stoopid Humans
    I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

    I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.

    1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
    2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
    1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
    2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
    1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

    Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
    Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
    Tech Support: "Well?"
    Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

    Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copy machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

    I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in the back to make a sandwich.


Thursday, July 19, 2001, 8:01:06 AM
New Conversion Rates
    2 monograms = 1 diagram
    1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
    2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbird
    10 cards = 1 decacards
    1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
    1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
    453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    10 rations = 1 decoration
    10 millipedes = 1 centipede
    3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
    10 monologues = 5 dialogues
    8 nickels = 2 paradigms
    2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa
    1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

Wednesday, July 18, 2001, 7:59:01 AM
The Old Man On The Bench
    A policeman sees an old man sitting on a park bench crying. "What's the matter?" asks the cop.

    The old man replies, "I'm married to a 21-year-old gorgeous girl. She's smart, she has a great sense of humor, she has the most beautiful body I've ever seen, and she loves me and she loves sex."

    The cop replies, "Man, that sounds great! Why in the world are you crying?"

    The old man whimpers, "I can't remember where I live!"


Tuesday, July 17, 2001, 8:51:17 AM
Bumper Stickers
    Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

    Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

    Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

    I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

    All men are idiots, and I married their King.

    Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

    Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

    Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

    Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

    Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?


Monday, July 16, 2001, 8:08:13 AM
Men & Women
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    Married men live longer than single men -- but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    Any married man should forget his mistakes -- there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.


Sunday, July 15, 2001, 3:15:01 PM
What Judges Say To Lawyers And What They Really M
    "This is a fairly obscure area of law."
    means
    "I have no clue what you're talking about."

    "I think the court understands the gist of your argument."
    means
    "Shut up and sit down before you screw up the few good points you're trying to make here."

    "I'll be taking this matter under advisement."
    means
    "I'm going to work some poor law clerk like a galley slave to research everything there is to find about this, and then decide it by a coin flip."

    "Counsel, isn't the real question here whether your insurance client has a duty to extend coverage?"
    means
    "Since you're working by the hour for some rapacious insurance company, even if I hand you your head on platter everybody still gets paid."

    "I've read all the briefs. Unless you have something new to add, I think I've got a pretty good handle on the issues."
    means
    "I've got a tee time in 30 minutes, and if you force me to stay here and listen to you drone on, I'm going to make you pay for it."

    "I think now might be a good time to take a short break."
    means
    "I'm trying desperately to keep from falling asleep, pitching forward into the file folder and having to get staples removed from my forehead."

    "Counsel, I think you've adequately covered that issue."
    means
    "You've beat that dead horse into oblivion."

    "I just want to make sure that your client understands the rights he's waiving here."
    means
    "I want to make sure that if some bleeding heart on the appeals court decides to let this scumbag out of prison, I don't get blamed for it."

    "I believe this is a question better determined by the jury."
    means
    "Let's see if you can get 12 people to buy this load of crap."

    "Counsel, could you address the jurisdiction issue first?"
    means
    "Please show me how I can unload this turkey on some other judge."

    "Although there is authority on both sides of the issue, the better-reasoned line of cases seems to say. . ."
    means
    "I disagree with the leading 42 cases on this point, but my clerk was able to find a 1946 Puerto Rico case that can be twisted into what I think the law ought to be."

    "This reminds me of an amusing story from when I was in private practice."
    means
    "I'm going to bore you to tears with an old joke from the early '50's, and you're going to feign amusement because the fate of your case hangs in the balance."

    "Counsel, one more outburst like that and I'm going to hold you in contempt!"
    means
    "Nothing would amuse me more than to leave you in a cold cell all weekend with a large guy named Bubba who knows all the words to "Getting To Know You."

    "I haven't made up my mind one way or the other on this issue."
    means
    "You're gonna lose big time."


Saturday, July 14, 2001, 4:35:27 AM
Failed Writers
    "Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. " -- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

Friday, July 13, 2001, 7:36:08 PM
True Courtroom Q&A
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Thursday, July 12, 2001, 10:57:29 AM
Single vs. Married Women
    Why are married women heavier than single women?

    Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

    Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Wednesday, July 11, 2001, 8:35:12 PM
Good To Know, Eh?
    From a Canadian Government handbook designed to help you survive a nuclear bombing comes this disturbing information:

    "If you were near the explosion without adequate protection, you would be seriously affected by the immediate radiation, in addition to being killed."


Tuesday, July 10, 2001, 5:57:28 PM
Short Guide to Comparative Religions
    Taoism: Shit happens.
    Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
    Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
    Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
    Hinduism: This shit happened before.
    Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
    Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
    TV Evangelism: Send more shit.
    Atheism: No shit.
    Jehova's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
    Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
    Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.
    Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
    Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
    Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
    Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.

Monday, July 09, 2001, 7:01:54 PM
Thoughts On Mark Twain
    "If Mr. Clemens cannot think of anything better to tell our pure-minded lads and lasses, he had better stop writing for them."
    --Louisa May Alcott

    "A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven 'sure-fire' literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy."
    --William Faulkner


Sunday, July 08, 2001, 7:21:28 AM
Dan Quayle
    Lest you think George W. Bush is the only major politician with his foot in his mouth, let us remember some of the pearls of wisdom from former Vice President Dan Quayle:

    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

    "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." From the Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

    "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

    "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

    "I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."

    "The future will be better tomorrow."

    "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

    "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

    "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

    "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

    "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

    "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

    "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

    "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy--but that could change."

    "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

    "Public speaking is very easy."

    "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

    "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

    "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

    "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

    "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year."

    "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

    "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

    "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."


Saturday, July 07, 2001, 11:34:55 AM
Three Daughters
    There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right.

    One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.

    When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.

    There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.

    The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"

    She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."

    He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"

    She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."

    He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."

    She said, "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."


Friday, July 06, 2001, 8:01:15 AM
Predictions
    "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

    "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

    "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

    "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

    "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

    "But what... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

    "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

    "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

    "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

    "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

    "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

    "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

    "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

    "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

    "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

    "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

    "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

    "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

    "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Thursday, July 05, 2001, 8:55:22 AM
Smooth
    Pinocchio goes to see his father...

    "How goes it my son?"

    "Well, father, I'm having some problems for with the women."

    "How's that?"

    "They're complaining of splinters -- it's very painful for them."

    "Ah, no problem, just take this piece of sandpaper, and when you find a nice girl, just rub it down first and it'll be nice and smooth."

    A week later, Pinocchio sees his father again...

    "My son, how goes it with the women?"

    "Women? Who needs women?"


Wednesday, July 04, 2001, 9:07:37 AM
Cheney's Heart
    It was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem.

    President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically, "Men do not have anginas."

    The president was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina."


Tuesday, July 03, 2001, 6:54:57 AM
24 Hours To Live
    Guy comes home from a doctor visit and tells his wife he's got a terminal illness with only 24 hours to live. "That's HORRIBLE!, Jim!" she exclaims. "So, what do you want to do on your last day on earth?"

    "Well," he says, "I want to get that wine we've been saving, go upstairs and act like we're a couple of kids again, all night long."

    "That's easy for you to say," she replied. "You don't have to get up in the morning!"


Tuesday, July 03, 2001, 6:54:57 AM
24 Hours To Live
    Guy comes home from a doctor visit and tells his wife he's got a terminal illness with only 24 hours to live. "That's HORRIBLE!, Jim!" she exclaims. "So, what do you want to do on your last day on earth?"

    "Well," he says, "I want to get that wine we've been saving, go upstairs and act like we're a couple of kids again, all night long."

    "That's easy for you to say," she replied. "You don't have to get up in the morning!"


Monday, July 02, 2001, 6:47:52 AM
Before It Starts
    A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

    The wife sighed and got him a beer. Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

    She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

    The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

    The man sighed and said, "It starts."


Sunday, July 01, 2001, 7:29:57 AM
The First Time
    A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane.

    The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

    "So, did you jump?" the father asked.

    "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

    "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

    "Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

    "Did you jump then?" asked the father.

    "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

    "So, did you jump?"

    "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his pants and took his tool out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm ramming this up your ass.' "

    "So, did you jump?" asked the father.

    "Well, a little, at first."



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