Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
August 2001

Friday, August 31, 2001, 6:28:49 AM
Rolling Stones vs Scottish
    Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and people from Scotland?

    A: The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" People from Scotland say, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Friday, August 30, 2001, 6:25:00 AM
Maggot Love
    Did you hear about the two maggots that were making love in dead Ernest?

Wednesday, August 29, 2001, 6:29:45 AM
Thanks, Grandma
    A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

    She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Tuesday, August 28, 2001, 12:13:36 PM
Blonde Interview
    A guy is interviewing a blonde for a job. He says, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

    She says, "The living one."

Monday, August 27, 2001, 6:18:23 AM
Two Old Gals Driving
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.

    This time the woman in the passenger seat was sure she was really concnerned that she was losing it and was getting nervous, she decided to pay close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, I'm driving?"

Sunday, August 26, 2001, 7:18:11 AM
Fire Dogs
    A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

    The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

    "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

    Then a third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Saturday, August 25, 2001, 2:50:49 PM
A Letter From Mama
    Dear Son:

    I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Friday, August 24, 2001, 8:54:20 AM
What's On The Menu?
    A man walks into a restaurant and sees on the menu:

    Ham Sandwich................... $2.00
    Turkey Sandwich................ $2.00
    Hand Jobs..................... $10.00

    He says to the waitress, "Are you the waitress that gives the hand jobs?"

    "Why, yes I am!" she replied.

    "Then GO WASH YOUR HANDS!" he replied. "I want a ham sandwich!"

Thursday, August 23, 2001, 6:30:04 AM
Let's Talk About Sex
    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -- Steve Martin

    "What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." -- Tom Clancy

    "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." -- Drew Carey

    "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." -- Woody Allen

    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -- Unknown

    "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." -- Rodney Dangerfield

    "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." -- Bill Kelly

    "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." -- Rev. Sydney Smith

    "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." -- Woody Allen

    "Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." -- Sam Austin

    "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." -- George Burns

    "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -- Matt Barry

    "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." -- Camille Paglia

    "Life is a sexually transmitted disease." -- Unknown

    "My kid had sex with your honor student." -- Bumper Sticker

    "My sexual preference is not you." -- T-shirt

    "Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." -- Michael Sinz

    "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." -- Woody Allen

    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -- George Burns

    "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -- Henry Miller

    "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." -- Lynn Lavner

    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL convertible." -- P. J. O'Rourke

Wednesday, August 22, 2001, 6:25:18 AM
Newspaper Clipings
    ILITERATE? Write today for free help.

    AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

    DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.

    STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.


    DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

    FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

    NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

    GREAT DAMES for sale.


Tuesday, August 21, 2001, 6:36:41 AM
Wife Or Mistress?
    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

    The architect sai he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

    The engineer said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Monday, August 20, 2001, 8:33:00 AM
50 Capitals
    There was a blonde who was really tired of dumb blonde jokes so she decided to prove everybody wrong. She studied for months to learn the capitals of all 50 states. When she was done, she walked up to a friend and said, "Go ahead, ask me. Ask me the capital of any state."

    To which her friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Minnesota?"

    The blonde smiled and replied, "M."

Sunday, August 19, 2001, 6:39:41 AM
Inspiration In The Workplace
    If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos . . . then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

    Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

    A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

    Plagiarism saves time.

    If at first you don't succeed, try management.

    Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

    TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

    Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

    The beatings will continue until morale improves.

    Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

    We waste time so you don't have to.

    Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

    Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

    A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

    When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


    Succeed in spite of management.

    Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Saturday, August 18, 2001, 7:01:30 AM
Actual Doctors' Notes On Patient's Charts
    Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

    She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

    The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    The patient refused an autopsy.

    The patient has no past history of suicides.

    Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

    Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

    Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

    She is numb from her toes down.

    While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

    The skin was moist and dry.

    Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

    Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

    She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

    I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

    Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

    The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

    Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

    Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Friday, August 17, 2001, 6:46:55 AM
Two Blondes
    Two blondes were having coffee late one afternoon when one looked the window and said, "Oh Geez, here comes my husband with a bouquet of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my feet in the air."

    The other blonde said, "Well couldn't you just use a vase?"

Thursday, August 16, 2001, 8:09:37 AM
More Random Thoughts
    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.

    To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming.

    No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from.

    Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.

    Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.

    If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.

    The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

    When all is said and done, much more is said than done.

    There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.

Wednesday, August 15, 2001, 7:03:38 AM
The New Kid In Town
    This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here -- where you from, boy?"

    The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

    The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

    The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

    The bartender asks, "A taxidermist . . . what the hell is a taxidermist?"

    The guy says, "I mount dead animals."

    The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

Tuesday, August 14, 2001, 6:22:46 AM
Long Ears
    A farmer bought a new mule. When he got it home he could not get it in the barn because the mules ears were so long they were hitting above the door. The farmer got some chalk and a saw, drew the outline of the ears on the barn and started to saw them out.

    At this point the farmer's neighbor drove into the barnyard and asked the farmer what he was doing. When the farmer explained about the long ears the neighbor said, "Why you darn fool, why don't you get a shovel and dig out under the door?"

    The farmer replied, "You're the darn fool, not me. It's his ears that are too long, not his legs."

Monday, August 13, 2001, 7:44:52 AM
    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Remember that half the people you know are below average.

    Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Sunday, August 12, 2001, 7:19:43 AM
Employee Handbook
    1) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

    2) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    3) It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

    4) Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

    5) When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

    6) To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

    7) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

    8) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

    9) You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

    10) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

    11) If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

    12) At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

    13) When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

    14) Following the rules will not get the job done.

    15) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

    16) No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

    17) The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Saturday, August 11, 2001, 7:10:48 AM
Random Thoughts
    Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

    Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    How do I set my laser printer on stun?

    How is it possible to have a civil war?

    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

    If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

    If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

    If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

    If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

    Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    What happens when none of your bees wax?

    Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

    If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

    Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Friday, August 10, 2001, 6:22:37 AM
    A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers like a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into the palm of his hand.

    The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

    The bartender says "Prove it!" so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.

    "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

    "Yeah," said the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

    The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down, and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

    "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

    The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Thursday, August 09, 2001, 6:27:43 AM
Yo Momma
    Yo momma's so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
    Yo momma's so dumb, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
    Yo momma's so dumb, she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
    Yo momma's so dumb, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
    Yo momma's so dumb, she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
    Yo momma's so dumb, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
    Yo momma's so dumb, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
    Yo momma's so dumb, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
    Yo momma's so dumb, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
    Yo momma's so dumb, she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
    Yo momma's so dumb, she sold her car to get gasoline money!
    Yo momma's so dumb, she sold the house to pay the mortgage!
    Yo momma's so dumb, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it!
    Yo momma's so dumb, she had to call the Operator to get the number for 911!
    Yo momma's so dumb, they had to burn down the school to get her out of second grade.
    Yo momma's so dumb, when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
    Yo momma's got a wooden leg with a real foot.
    Yo momma's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
    Yo momma's arm pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
    Yo momma's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, cars slow down.
    Yo momma's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks!!
    Yo momma's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
    Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
    Yo momma's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
    Yo momma's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends!
    Yo momma's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
    Yo momma's so ugly, they know what time she were born, because her face stopped the clock!
    Yo momma's so ugly, when she cries the tears run up her face.
    Yo momma's so ugly, her mother had to feed her with a sling shot.
    Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock!
    Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
    Yo momma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
    Yo momma's so old, her birthday's expired.
    Yo momma's so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
    Yo momma's so old she still owes Moses a quarter!
    Yo momma's so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!!
    Yo momma's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
    Yo momma's so old, she farts dust!
    Yo momma's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
    Yo momma's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
    Yo momma's so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!
    Yo momma's so fat, she gets group insurance!
    Yo momma's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says 'to be continued.'
    Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a dollar and when she got up there was 4 quarters.
    Yo momma's so fat, she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
    Yo momma's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet!
    Yo momma's so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
    Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down!
    Yo momma's so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
    Yo momma's so fat, her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator!
    Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
    Yo momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!
    Yo momma's so fat, the sign outside one restaurant says 'Maximum occupancy, 512, or YO' MOMMA!'
    Yo momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
    Yo momma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family!
    Yo momma's so fat, when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
    Yo momma's so fat, that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
    Yo momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
    Yo momma's so fat, she wakes up in sections!
    Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her ten YEARS to live!
    Yo momma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
    Yo momma's so fat, her belly-button's got an echo!
    Yo momma's so fat, her belly-button gets home 15 minutes before she does!
    Yo momma's so fat, that her pictures had to be aerial views!
    Yo momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
    Yo momma's so fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.
    Yo momma's so fat, she's got her own area code!
    Yo momma's so fat, when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call!
    Yo momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her!
    Yo momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
    Yo momma's so fat, she was born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of March.
    Yo momma's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
    Yo momma's so fat, when she sings, it's over for everybody.
    Yo momma's so fat, we're in her right now!

Wednesday, August 08, 2001, 5:38:26 AM
Shot To The Heart
    Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

    Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

    "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

    Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Tuesday, August 07, 2001, 6:53:33 AM
Bill & Ted's Excellent Joke
    Ted Kennedy once approached President Clinton after hearing him speak and said, "Mr. President, I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do to help, anything at all, just ask."

    Clinton replied, "Could you drive Monica home?"

Monday, August 06, 2001, 8:44:31 AM
Three Daughters
    A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

    One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're goin' to the show. Is she ready to go?"

    The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

    The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Nettie. We're gettin' spaghetti. Is she ready?"

    The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

    The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,
    "Hi, I'm Chuck . . . "

    And the farmer shot him.

Sunday, August 05, 2001, 12:38:10 PM
The Great Writer
    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

    When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    So now he works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Saturday, August 04, 2001, 8:08:17 AM
    "Why don't you write books people can read?"

    --Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)

Friday, August 03, 2001, 8:52:13 AM
The Missing Spoon
    An old priest invited the younger new priest to his house for dinner. When the young priest arrived, he was surprised to see that the old priest had a shapely, beautiful, sensuous house maid. During dinner, the young priest finally spoke up. "Father Jacob," he said, "I must ask you about your house maid. She is beautiful. Don't you find it difficult to resist temptation?"

    The old priest looked at him coyly and said, "Of course not."

    A few days later, the house maid approached the old priest, and said, "Father, I'm concerned. I can't find the silver serving spoon. It's always right here in the drawer. I hate to say it, but it's been missing ever since you had dinner with the new priest."

    So the old priest, not wanting to seem accusatory, writes the new priest a letter. "Now I'm not saying that you took the silver serving spoon, and I'm not saying that you didn't take the silver serving spoon. But the fact remains that since you were here the silver serving spoon has been missing."

    A few days later the old priest received a letter from the new priest. "Now I'm not saying that you're sleeping with your house maid, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with your house maid, but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the serving spoon by now."

Thursday, August 02, 2001, 11:03:17 AM
A Quickie
    Dog limps into the bar with one foot all bandaged up and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

Wednesday, August 01, 2001, 6:28:39 AM
Yet More Random Thoughts
    If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

    I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

    Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

    You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

    One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

    It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

    The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

    Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

    Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

    You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

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