Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
September 2001


Sunday, September 30, 2001, 7:18:36 AM
Stranded With Nicole Kidman
    A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman.

    Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex every day. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed.

    Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?"

    He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down to the pub with them."

    She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down at the pub."

    It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try.

    So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been screwing..."


Saturday, September 29, 2001, 8:55:57 AM
What's The Difference?
    An old Jewish man and an old Chinese man were walking down the street, when suddenly the Jew turned and hit the Chinese man, knocking him to the ground.

    "Hey, what was that for?" asked the Chinese man.

    "That was for attacking Pearl Harbor," said the Jew.

    "That was the Japanese, you idiot. I am Chinese."

    "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" said the Jew.

    They continue on their way, when suddenly the Chinese man turned and hit the Jew, knocking him to the ground.

    "Hey, what was that for?" asksed the Jew.

    "That was for sinking the Titanic," said the Chinese man.

    "The Titanic? That was an iceberg, you idiot," the Jew replied.

    "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" said the Chinese man.


Friday, September 28, 2001, 6:46:17 AM
Friends
    Friends are people who know you well, but like you anyway.

    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    Friends don't let friends drive naked.

    Friends -- the people who stab you in the front.

    Sometimes people need what only friends can provide -- absence.

    Friends who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.

    When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.


Thursday, September 27, 2001, 6:59:49 AM
Drummers Get No Respect
    A drummer decides he's tired of getting no respect and wants to take up a new instrument. So he goes in to a music shop and looks around.

    After a while the owner asks, "May I help you sir?"

    The drummer says, "I'll take the red saxophone and the silver accordian."

    "Well," says the owner, "I'll let you have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator's got to stay."


Wednesday, September 26, 2001, 9:10:24 AM
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
    ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
    ...she thought a quarterback was a refund
    ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
    ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center
    ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools
    ...she thought General Motors was in the Army
    ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
    ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
    ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
    ...she tried to drown a fish
    ...she tripped over a cordless phone
    ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate"
    ...she got stabbed in a shoot-out
    ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
    ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
    ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius"
    ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
    ...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes"
    ...she studied for a blood test -- and failed
    ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train"
    ...she sold the car for gas money
    ...when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends
    ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
    ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
    ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
    ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home
    ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death

Tuesday, September 25, 2001, 6:49:14 AM
Nuns At The Gate
    Three nuns are killed in a car accident and soon appear at the gates of Heaven expecting to gain entry. St. Peter greets them by saying, "Before you can enter, you must answer a question so that I may judge your worthiness."

    "Yes, St. Peter, we understand. Ask your questions."

    "Sister number one, who was the first woman on earth?"

    "Eve" came the reply.

    "Right you are. Enter. Now, Sister number two, who was the first man on earth?"

    "Adam" she replied.

    "Right you are, Sister. Enter. Now, sister number three, because you are a Mother Superior, this question will be more difficult. What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

    The Mother Superior thought and said, "My that's a hard one."

    "Right you are! Go on in!"


Monday, September 24, 2001, 6:44:21 AM
Blond With Cell Phone
    A man bought his wife, a blond, a cell phone for Christmas. He showed her how to use it and what each button did. The next day day he called her to test it out. He asked her how the reception was, if there were any problems with it; and she replied that she could hear him clearly and with no problems. "But", she said, "How did you know I was at Walmart?"

Sunday, September 23, 2001, 7:45:02 AM
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
    One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

    One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

    One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

    One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

    Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

    Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

    One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

    One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

    One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

    One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

    Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

    Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 15 mph on the state highway and city streets in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida


Saturday, September 22, 2001, 7:27:08 AM
Random Thoughts
    Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards? Think about it . . .

    Seduce my mind & you can have my body, find my soul & I'm your forever.

    The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.


Friday, September 21, 2001, 7:38:24 AM
George W. Bush, 9/20/01
    We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail.

Thursday, September 20, 2001, 6:40:01 AM
Push
    A man and his wife were in bed one night when they were awakened by a loud noise outside their front door. The wife wanted her husband to go downstairs and see what it was, but he didn't want to. After she nagged him for a few minutes, he finally agreed. On his way down the stairs, someone knocked loudly on the front door. When the man got to the door, he opened it, and saw a man standing outside, obviously inebriated. Thoroughly annoyed, the husband asked the drunk what he wanted.

    The drunk said, "You gotta help me. I need a push." The man refused, but the drunk insisted, "I really need a push."

    "No," the man replied. "It's nearly 2am, and you're drunk. You shouldn't be driving, anyway."

    The drunk responded, "You don't understand. I just need a push."

    Finally, the man slammed the door in the drunk's face and went back to bed.

    When he got there, his wife asked him who it was. When he told her, she insisted that he go back downstairs and give the man a push. "After all," she said, "what if one day we are stranded and need a push?"

    Not fully buying into her logic, but needing another nagging even less, the man tromped downstairs, grumbling all the way. He opened the front door, and the drunk was nowhere to be seen. He yelled, "HEY! Drunk guy! Are you still out here?"

    He heard the reply, "Yeah!" from the back yard.

    "Do you still need a push?"

    "Yeah!"

    "Where are you?"

    "Over here, on your swings!"


Wednesday, September 19, 2001, 6:42:24 AM
Lawyers
    Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet under?

    A: Deep, deep down they're really good guys.


Tuesday, September 18, 2001, 7:20:41 AM
Atomic Humor
    Two atoms walk into a bar and sit down, order beers, and start talking. "Uh-oh," says one. "What's wrong?" asks the other. "I think I lost an electron," says the first. "That's terrible! Are you sure?" asks the other. "Yes," replies the first atom, "I'm positive!"

    A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it and gets up to leave. He asks the bartender, "How much to I owe you?" The bartender looks at the neutron and says, "For you? No charge."


Monday, September 17, 2001, 6:22:10 AM
Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1953
    History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid.

Sunday, September 16, 2001, 1:53:15 PM
Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
    "Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."

Wednesday, September 12, 2001, 6:23:48 AM
Brian
    No jokes today.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001, 6:24:19 AM
More One-Liners
    Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.

    The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    Never wrestle with a pig: You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

    Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

    "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." -- Voltaire

    "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." -- Mae West

    "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -- Abraham Lincoln

    I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

    If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.


Tuesday, September 11, 2001, 6:24:19 AM
More One-Liners
    Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.

    The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    Never wrestle with a pig: You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

    Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

    "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." -- Voltaire

    "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." -- Mae West

    "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -- Abraham Lincoln

    I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

    If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.


Monday, September 10, 2001, 6:32:31 AM
More One-Liners
    The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

    A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

    Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

    Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

    For people who like peace and quiet -- a phoneless cord.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

    Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

    Don't be so humble, you're not that great.


Sunday, September 09, 2001, 7:45:54 AM
The Pilsbury Doughboy's Obituary
    Veteran Pillsbury spokes-model Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boyardee, and the Hostess Twinkies.

    The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

    He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

    The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Saturday, September 08, 2001, 8:28:18 AM
Men Are Like
    Men are like . . . placemats.
    They only show up when there's food on the table.

    Men are like . . . mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like . . . bike helmets.
    Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

    Men are like . . . government bonds.
    They take so long to mature.

    Men are like . . . parking spots.
    The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

    Men are like . . . copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

    Men are like . . . Lava Lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

    Men are like . . . bank accounts.
    Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

    Men are like . . . high heels.
    They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

    Men are like . . . curling irons.
    They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

    Men are like . . . mini skirts.
    If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

    Men are like . . . bananas.
    The older they get, the less firm they are.


Friday, September 07, 2001, 6:33:25 AM
Still More One-Liners
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    National Atheism Day: April 1st

    Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

    Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

    One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

    You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

    Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

    Never judge a book by its movie.

    If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.

    We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.


Thursday, September 06, 2001, 6:48:40 AM
More One-Liners
    Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

    Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

    "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, and tree surgeons debarked?

    Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

    Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

    Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.

    Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


Wednesday, September 05, 2001, 6:59:15 AM
One-Liners
    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

    When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

    Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?


Tuesday, September 04, 2001, 7:09:15 AM
The Biggest Chest In Sixth Grade
    There is a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette in the sixth grade. Who has the largest chest? The blonde -- because she's eighteen

Monday, September 03, 2001, 6:35:03 AM
Musical Quotes
    "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it." --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

    "We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again." --Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal

    "Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost." --Anonymous

    "Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." --Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

    "Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20." --David Randolph

    "One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time." --Gioacchino Rossini

    "I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music." --Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress


Sunday, September 02, 2001, 7:40:09 AM
This Is Your Captain Speaking
    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane

    "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

    "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you out to the wing of the airplane."

    Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land . . . it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

    As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella . . . WHOA!"

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard SouthwestFlight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

    In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

    Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, in a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


Saturday, September 01, 2001, 7:13:58 PM
On Rodeo Drive
    A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

    She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."



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