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Graffiti Board Archive
October 2001


Wednesday, October 31, 2001, 7:04:53 AM
The Halloween Party
    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you . . . the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"


Tuesday, October 30, 2001, 7:12:25 AM
Literature
    What is wonderful about great literature is that it transforms the man who reads it towards the condition of the man who wrote. -- E.M. Forster

    Literature is the question minus the answer. -- Roland Barthes

    Literature is news that stays news. -- Ezra Pound

    When once the itch of literature comes over a man, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen. But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any way you can. -- Samuel Lover

    Every man's memory is his private literature. -- Aldous Huxley

    When you re-read a classic you do not see in the book more than you did before. You see more in you than there was before. -- Clifton Fadiman

    A classic is a book that has never finished saying what it has to say. -- Italo Calvino

    A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain


Monday, October 29, 2001, 7:16:25 AM
Man's Best Friend
    How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

    Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

    Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

    Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

    Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

    Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it.By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

    Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

    Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

    Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

    Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

    Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

    Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

    Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

    Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

    Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

    Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

    Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?


Sunday, October 28, 2001, 7:08:23 AM
Wedded Bliss
    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent . . . wedding cake!

    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

    My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

    What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

    Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

    Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.


Saturday, October 27, 2001, 8:21:56 AM
Who Done It
    This is a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Friday, October 26, 2001, 7:06:29 AM
The End Is Near
    Doctor: I'm afraid I have bad news for you. You are going to die.

    Patient: Doc, that's terrible! How long do I have?

    Doctor: Ten.

    Patient: Ten! Ten what? Ten days, ten weeks, ten years?

    Doctor: Nine . . . Eight . . . Seven . . . .


Thursday, October 25, 2001, 6:53:50 AM
Writers On Writing
    You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. -- Ray Bradbury

    So often is the virgin sheet of paper more real than what one has to say, and so often one regrets having marred it. -- Harold Acton, Memoirs of an Aesthete, 1948

    The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. -- Anaïs Nin

    And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. -- Sylvia Plath

    I try to leave out the parts that people skip. -- Elmore Leonard


Wednesday, October 24, 2001, 6:30:02 AM
Shy Guy In A Bar
    A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

    Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

    To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"


Tuesday, October 23, 2001, 7:52:12 AM
Bulimic Birthday
    How can you tell if you're at a bulimic's birthday party?

    The cake jumps out of the girl.


Monday, October 22, 2001, 6:48:40 AM
Books
    A good book on your shelf is a friend that turns its back on you and remains a friend. -- Author Unknown

    There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read. -- G.K. Chesterton

    A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy. -- Edward P. Morgan

    A good book should leave you... slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading it. -- William Styron, interview, Writers at Work, 1958

    The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it. -- James Bryce

    Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book. -- Author Unknown


Sunday, October 21, 2001, 8:11:13 AM
How To Pray
    When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Saturday, October 20, 2001, 8:27:11 AM
Meet The Parents
    A woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What are you doing?"

    The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."

    The next day the girl's father heard the same buzzing sound coming from the door. Upon entering the room he observed his daughter with the vibrator. He asked what she was doing, and the daughter replied, "Dad, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is as close to a husband as I'll ever get, so please go away and leave me alone."

    A couple days later the wife came home from shopping and heard the buzzing noise coming from the family room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the heck are you doing?"

    The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."


Friday, October 19, 2001, 4:50:41 PM
Man & God
    Man said to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

    God said to Man: "So you would love her."

    "But God", Man said, "why did you make her so dumb?"

    God replied: "So she would love you."


Thursday, October 18, 2001, 6:50:48 AM
Q & A: Pilgrims
    Q: Why are the all pilgrams buried in Massachussetts?

    A: Because they're dead.


Wednesday, October 17, 2001, 9:06:20 AM
Optimist, Pessimist & Engineer
    The optimist sees a glass that's half full.

    The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.

    An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.


Tuesday, October 16, 2001, 9:15:38 AM
Writing
    Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. -- E.L. Doctorow

    A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket. -- Charles Peguy

    Writing is easy. All you have to do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. -- Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith


Monday, October 15, 2001, 7:39:34 AM
Salary Check
    Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last annual salary?"
    The soul replied, "$500,000; I was a trial lawyer."
    St. Peter asked the second one the same question; the soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor."
    St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question; the answer was "$8,000."
    St. Peter immediately said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"

Sunday, October 14, 2001, 9:56:57 AM
Politically Correct Talk About Guys
    He does not have a beer gut -- he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

    He is not quiet -- he is a Conversational Minimalist.

    He is not stupid -- he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

    He does not get lost all the time -- he discovers Alternative Destinations.

    He is not balding -- he is in Follicle Regression.

    He is not a cradle robber -- he prefers Generational Differentials Relationships.

    He does not get falling-down drunk -- he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

    He is not short -- he is Anatomically Compact.

    He does not have a rich daddy -- he is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

    He does not constantly talk about cars -- he has a Vehicular Addiction.

    He does not have a hot body -- he is Physically Combustible.

    He is not unsophisticated -- he is Socially Challenged.

    He does not eat like a pig -- he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

    He is not a bad dancer -- he is Overly Caucasian.

    He does not hog the blankets -- he is Thermally Unappreciative.

    He is not a male chauvinist pig -- he has Swine Empathy.

    He does not undress you with his eyes -- he has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.


Saturday, October 13, 2001, 7:36:42 AM
Useful Work Phrases
    Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    No, my powers can only be used for good.

    I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

    You sound reasonable . . . Time to up my medication.

    I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

    What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    Ahhh . . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    How about never? Is never good for you?

    I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

    I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    Who me? I just wander from room to room.

    My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

    It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

    At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

    You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.


Friday, October 12, 2001, 10:14:05 AM
Life & Death
    It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

    Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

    Life is the only thing you can't get out of alive.

    May your life be like toilet paper . . . long and useful.

    Someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?"

    We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

    Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!

    Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

    Today is the last day of some of your life.

    Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

    Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

    What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

    Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

    After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone."

    Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

    Life is wasted on the living.

    Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

    There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval.

    Life is a razor, you are always in hot water or a scrape.

    As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.

    My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.

    Life is what happens while you are making other plans.

    The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it's true.

    In the long run we are all dead.

    Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't.

    Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

    Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

    Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.


Thursday, October 11, 2001, 6:40:26 AM
Little Johnny
    Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things -- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

    Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go out shooting?"

    This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up. Off he went, into the forest with the dogs.

    After a few hours, Little Johnny returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.

    "It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?"


Wednesday, October 10, 2001, 6:57:38 AM
Feminists
    Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: IT'S NOT FUNNY!


Tuesday, October 09, 2001, 10:24:12 AM
Before You Criticize
    Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.


Monday, October 08, 2001, 7:15:48 AM
Rules For Writers
    Avoid alliteration. Always.

    Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

    Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

    Employ the vernacular.

    Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

    Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

    It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

    Contractions aren't necessary.

    Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

    One should never generalize.

    Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

    Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

    Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

    Be more or less specific.

    Understatement is always best.

    One-word sentences? Eliminate.

    Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

    The passive voice is to be avoided.

    Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

    Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

    Who needs rhetorical questions?

    Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.


Sunday, October 07, 2001, 7:19:40 AM
What Men Are Like
    Men Are Like . . .

    Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

    Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

    Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

    Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

    Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

    Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

    Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

    High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

    Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

    Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

    Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.


Saturday, October 06, 2001, 7:41:33 AM
A Man Walk Into A Bar
    A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. He goes up to the bartender and says, "I need two beers . . . one for me, and one for the road."


Friday, October 05, 2001, 7:06:44 AM
At The Optometrist
    A guy goes to the optometrist, and the doctor says, "You really need to stop masturbating."

    The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "Why . . . am I going blind?"

    "No," says the doctor. "But you're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room."


Thursday, October 04, 2001, 6:32:55 AM
Cats & Dogs
    Dogs on Humans: My people love me, and pet me, and feed me, they must be gods!

    Cats on Humans: My people love me, and pet me, and feed me, I must be a god!


Wednesday, October 03, 2001, 6:49:16 AM
More Science
    Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. -- Henri Poincaré

    The radical novelty of modern science lies precisely in the rejection of the belief, which is at the heart of all popular religion, that the forces which move the stars and atoms are contingent upon the preferences of the human heart. -- Walter Lippmann

    Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Whenever science makes a discovery, the devil grabs it while the angels are debating the best way to use it. -- Alan Valentine

    If we wish to make a new world we have the material ready. The first one, too, was made out of chaos. -- Robert Quillen

    In a manner which matches the fortuity, if not the consequence, of Archimedes' bath and Newton's apple, the [3.6 million year old] fossil footprints were eventually noticed one evening in September 1976 by the paleontologist Andrew Hill, who fell while avoiding a ball of elephant dung hurled at him by the ecologist David Western. -- John Reader

    The Hunt for Earliest Man Science is a first-rate piece of furniture for a man's upper chamber, if he has common sense on the ground floor. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, 1872

    In all science, error precedes the truth, and it is better it should go first than last. -- Hugh Walpole

    There is no gravity. The earth sucks. -- Unknown

    The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. -- Isaac Asimov, 1988

    It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. -- H.L. Mencken, 1956


Tuesday, October 02, 2001, 7:51:30 AM
Science
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Henry J. Tillman

    I think science has enjoyed an extraordinary success because it has such a limited and narrow realm in which to focus its efforts. Namely, the physical universe. -- Ken Jenkins

    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi, 1883

    Nature composes some of her lovliest poems for the microscope and the telescope. -- Theodore Roszak

    The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov

    A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective. -- Edward Teller

    Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher Von Braun

    Science does not know its debt to imagination. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them. -- Sir William Bragg

    Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination. -- John Dewey

    Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men. -- Jean Rostand

    Scientists should always state the opinions upon which their facts are based. -- Unknown



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