Graffiti Board Archive
Friday, November 30, 2001, 6:32:36 AM
A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."
Thursday, November 29, 2001, 6:33:17 AM
Many people, other than the authors, contribute to the making of a book, from the first person who had the bright idea of alphabetic writing through the inventor of movable type to the lumberjacks who felled the trees that were pulped for its printing. It is not customary to acknowledge the trees themselves, though their commitment is total. -- Forsyth and Rada
If there's a book you really want to read but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it. -- Toni Morrison
A good book has no ending. -- R.D. Cumming
A man's library is a sort of harem. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. -- Anna Quindlen
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. -- Charles W. Eliot
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. -- P.J. O'Rourke
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. -- Mark Twain
Wednesday, November 28, 2001, 7:59:42 AM
The linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by comparing languages to mathematics. As he scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and languages had positives and negatives.
"In both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a positive. However," he droned on, "in math or
language two positives never make a negative."
From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah, right."
Monday, November 26, 2001, 6:29:10 AM
More On Writing
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. -- Henry B. Adams
Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. -- Gene Fowler
Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable. -- Francis Bacon
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill
The expression "to write something down" suggests a descent of thought to the fingers whose movements immediately falsify it. -- William Gass, "Habitations of the Word," Kenyon Review, October 1984
Be obscure clearly. -- E.B. White
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. -- Flannery O'Connor
It seems to me that those songs that have been any good, I have nothing much to do with the writing of them. The words have just crawled down my sleeve and come out on the page. -- Joan Baez
When a man is in doubt about this or that in his writing, it will often guide him if he asks himself how it will tell a hundred years hence. -- Samuel Butler
Every writer I know has trouble writing. -- Joseph Heller
Sunday, November 25, 2001, 8:16:10 AM
Every Woman Should Have . . .
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.
Every Woman Should Know. . .
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or money
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
Saturday, November 24, 2001, 7:45:29 AM
Children's Books That Didn't Make It
You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Friday, November 23, 2001, 6:23:05 AM
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, it's Me.
Man was predestined to have free will.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Murphy was an optimist.
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
You can't have everything . . . where would you put it?
May those who love us love us,
And those who do not love us,
May God turn their hearts,
And if He cannot turn their hearts
May He turn their ankles
That we may know them by their limping.
-- Irish Prayer
And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.
Thursday, November 22, 2001, 7:42:54 AM
Real Resume And Cover Letter Excerpts
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheet programs.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Wednesday, November 21, 2001, 6:38:17 AM
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and says in a loud voice, "Lawyers are assholes!"
A very large guy jumps off his stool at the end of the bar and starts toward the drunk. His face gets bright red and the veins on his neck start protruding like ropes. With fists clenched, he says to the drunk, "You're gonna take that back!"
The drunk, looking shaken, says, "Are you a lawyer?"
The guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."
Tuesday, November 20, 2001, 6:30:22 AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Why do gorillas have big fingers?
Because they have large nostrils.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can't remember the words.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
What kind of bees give milk?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
What's brown and sticky?
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Why did the cookie visit the doctor?
He felt crummy.
What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
I'm a wiener!
Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse.
What should you do if you're eaten by an elephant?
Run around and around till you're all pooped out.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?"
There was a nearsighted whale that followed the submarine, and every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that rips your leg off then goes for help.
What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race?
They wound up in a tie.
Why should you never say "288" in polite conversation?
Because it's two gross!
Does this bus go to Duluth?
No, it goes beep beep.
A blind man picked up a hammer and saw.
Monday, November 19, 2001, 7:13:59 AM
More On Writing
Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. -- Nathaniel Hawthorne
A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. -- William Strunk
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor (Name Unknown), Ohio University
It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought. -- Dennis Roth
Storytelling reveals meaning without committing the error of defining it. -- Hannah Arendt
It seems to me that the problem with diaries, and the reason that most of them are so boring, is that every day we vacillate between examining our hangnails and speculating on cosmic order. -- Ann Beattie, Picturing Will, 1989
The present letter is a very long one, simply because I had no leisure to make it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal
Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don't start sentences with a conjunction.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
-- William Safire, "Great Rules of Writing"
Sunday, November 18, 2001, 10:43:53 AM
And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?
Saturday, November 17, 2001, 2:31:21 PM
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
2.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Friday, November 16, 2001, 6:38:50 AM
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking.
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
All generalizations are bad.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
An unwatched pot boils immediately.
Thursday, November 15, 2001, 6:44:07 AM
Metaphors have a way of holding the most truth in the least space. -- Orson Scott Card
A metaphor is like a simile. -- Author Unknown
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain
The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it. -- Jules Renard, 1895
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. -- Author Unknown
A writer is someone who can make a riddle out of an answer. -- Karl Kraus
When once the itch of literature comes over a man, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen. But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any way you can. -- Samuel Lover 1842
I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. -- James Michener
If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster. -- Isaac Asimov
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. -- Peter De Vries
Wednesday, November 14, 2001, 7:17:58 AM
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a dog.
Tuesday, November 13, 2001, 7:19:42 AM
Monday, November 12, 2001, 8:59:06 AM
What To Wear
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. He was told, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."
Sunday, November 11, 2001, 7:40:48 AM
Ted Turner Speaks
Nuclear war would certainly set back cable.
Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle of it, but you don't want to see it again.
Being a billionaire or being a millionaire or being broke -- and I've been all three at one time or another -- it doesn't make that much difference.
I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against
humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible.
I don't really like television, if you want to know the honest truth. I think the more time you spend in conversation and playing bridge and playing golf and chatting with your children or reading a good book the better off you are. But since we have television with us and since not everyone's going to read a book or converse with their children, I might as well be in it.
People love money. It doesn't matter how much you've got, you want more.
You've got to live like a poor person when you're getting started and save your
money if you want to get rich. And then, once you get in the habit of saving it, you know, then it's hard to ever start spending again . . . and you get
where you want to make more and more.
If I give away a billion, I can still live pretty good on two, don't you think?
It's hard to find a house for more than $30 million or $40 million-even in Hollywood. And that's just 3% of a billion dollars.
They're [the Ten Commandments] a little out of date. If you're only going to have 10 rules, I don't know if adultery should be one of them.
If only I had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
Saturday, November 10, 2001, 9:34:26 AM
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a
mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Friday, November 09, 2001, 7:30:54 AM
Order In The Court
Real-life courtroom dialogue:
Q: "How did you get here today?"
A: "I had a friend bring me."
Q: "The friend's name?"
A: "We call him Fifi."
Q: "To his face?"
Q: "When you said that, there was some hesitation. Have you heard of others
that you haven't heard about yet?"
Q: "What did you do to prevent the accident?"
A: "I just closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could."
The Court: "What's the problem?"
Bailiff: "Oh, a cockroach was on the exhibit table, Your Honor."
Plaintiff's Counsel: "Motion to quash."
The Court: "Granted."
Mr. Jacobs: "Don't wave at me, or I will wave at you."
Mr. North: "You did wave."
Mr. Jacobs: "You can wave and I'll wave. Why don't we take five minutes to wave at each other."
Mr. Black: "Why don't we stipulate that all waves will be waived."
Defendant: "But judge, I can't do 61,500 years!"
Judge: "Well, just do as much of it as you can. And have a nice day."
Q: "Do you remember the context in which your husband brought the issue up?"
A: "Not really. I try not to listen when he talks."
Q: "Do you speak Spanish, Officer?"
A: "Yes, I do."
Q: "Are you fluent in Spanish?"
A: "Yes, I do."
Q. "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Thursday, November 08, 2001, 6:57:25 AM
The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it
is you really want to say. -- Mark Twain
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. -- Isaac Bashevis Singer
Don't be too harsh to these poems until they're typed. I always think typescript lends some sort of certainty: at least, if the things are bad then, they appear to be bad with conviction. -- Dylan Thomas
Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. -- William Wordsworth
The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. -- Vladimir Nabakov
Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. -- Anton Chekhov
Easy reading is damn hard writing. -- Nathaniel Hawthorne
Wednesday, November 07, 2001, 7:45:40 AM
No Baby Planes at SouthWest Airlines
A little boy was on a plane with his mother. He turned to her and asked, "Mommy, if cats have baby kittens and dogs have puppies, why don't planes have baby planes?"
His mom said, "Well, I don't know. Why don't you go ask the flight attendant?"
The little boy went to the flight attendant and said, "Ma'am, if cats have kittens and dogs have puppies, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mommy tell you to ask me that?"
The boy nodded and she said, "Well, you go back and tell your mommy that this is Southwest Airlines, and Southwest Airlines ALWAYS pulls out on time."
Tuesday, November 06, 2001, 6:35:05 AM
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it. -- Toni Morrison
What I like in a good author is not what he says, but what he whispers. -- Logan Pearsall Smith
The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. -- Norbet Platt
It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? For the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop. -- Vita Sackville-West
Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say. -- Sharon O'Brien
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain
I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter. -- James Michener
Monday, November 05, 2001, 6:36:05 AM
Things To Think About
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Sunday, November 04, 2001, 11:57:24 AM
Up & Down
Man stands up to get knocked down.
Woman lays down to get knocked up.
Saturday, November 03, 2001, 2:53:44 PM
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Friday, November 02, 2001, 7:11:01 AM
What do Bill Clinton and a carpenter have in common?
One screw in the wrong place, and the whole cabinet falls apart.
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear boxer shorts?
A: To keep his ankles warm.
President Clinton, the French Ambassador, and the Mexican Ambassador are dining in a lovely French restaurant, and of course, since it is a lovely French restaurant and all, all the waiters speak in French. The waiter approaches the Mexican ambassador, asking, "Le Tequila?" to which the ambassador responds, "Oui!" The waiter then travels to the French Ambassador, asking, "Le Champagne?" to which the French Ambassador responds "Oui!" Finally the waiter approaches our great leader, asking "Le Whiskey?" The president says, "Don't even TALK about that woman!"
Three politicians went to Oz to make their requests. The first, Newt Gingrich, asked how to find the wizard because he needed a heart. Then Al Gore asked where he could find the wizard so he could get a brain. When Bill Clinton's turn came he asked, "Where's Dorothy?"
Do you know about the new US Bonds in the market today. The first one is the Gore Bond, but there is no interest. The second is the Lewinsky Bond, but there is no maturity. The third one is the Clinton Bond, but there is no principal.
We always knew that you could get AIDS from sex and now President Clinton has showed us you can get sex from aides.
He never told Monica Lewinsky to lie.
He told her to lie down.
They took a poll of American women, and they asked, "Would you have an affair with Bill Clinton?" and 70% said "NEVER AGAIN!"
Thursday, November 01, 2001, 6:40:51 AM
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work.
A farmer is milking his cow and as he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow's ear. And a little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the udder."
Two cows were lying in a field. One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other says, "What do I care. I'm a helicopter."
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