Graffiti Board Archive
Monday, December 31, 2001, 9:41:46 AM
New Year's Resolutions
I will try to figure out why I really need 7 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I resolve to back up my 40 GB hard drive daily . . . well, once a week . . . okay, monthly then . . . or maybe . . .
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
I will read the manual.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.
Sunday, December 30, 2001, 8:51:51 PM
Christmas -- More
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -- Phyllis Diller
A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing.
Time was with most of us, when Christmas Day, encircling all our limited world like a magic ring, left nothing out for us to miss or seek; bound together all our home enjoyments, affections, and hopes; grouped everything and everyone round the Christmas fire, and make the little picture shining in our bright young eyes, complete. -- Charles Dickens
Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world -- stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death -- and that the blessed life which began in Bethlehem nineteen hundred years ago is the image and brightness of the Eternal Love? Then you can keep Christmas. -- Henry Van Dyke
Somehow, not only for Christmas,
But all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others,
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing,
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart's possessing,
Returns to you glad.
-- John Greenleaf Whittier
He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree. -- Sunshine Magazine.
The rooms were very still while the pages were softly turned and the winter sunshine crept in to touch the bright heads and serious faces with a Christmas greeting. -- Louisa May Alcott
Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart . . . filled it, too, with a melody that would last forever. -- Bess Streeter Aldrich
Saturday, December 29, 2001, 1:39:53 PM
If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away. --Unknown
I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the word seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses. --Taylor Caldwell
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. --Jay Leno
I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. --Charles Dickens
It comes every year and will go on forever. And along with Christmas belong the keepsakes and the customs. Those humble, everyday things a mother clings to, and ponders, like Mary in the secret spaces of her heart. --Marjorie Holmes
The magi, as you know, were wise men - wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. --O. Henry
I do come home at Christmas. We all do, or we all should. We all come home, or ought to come home, for a short holiday - the longer, the better - from the great boarding school where we are forever working at our arithmetical slates, to take, and give a rest. --Charles Dickens
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Friday, December 28, 2001, 3:10:07 PM
It's Still Christmas
What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace. --Agnes M. Pharo
Jennifer Bofinger, media spokeswoman for the animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said despite the shabby treatment of deer in general, her organization has not received any complaints about how Santa Claus treats his reindeer. --L.A. Times
It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, "God Bless Us, Every One! --Charles Dickens
Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind. --Mary Ellen Chase
Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.
Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home! --Charles Dickens
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple
Thursday, December 27, 2001, 7:31:08 AM
Christmas! The very word brings joy to our hearts. No matter how we may dread the rush, the long Christmas lists for gifts and cards to be bought and given--when Christmas Day comes there is still the same warm feeling we had as children, the same warmth that enfolds our hearts and our homes. --Joan Winmill Brown
Christmas--that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance--a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved. --Augusta E. Rundel
The merry family gatherings-- The old, the very young; The strangely lovely way they Harmonize in carols sung. For Christmas is tradition time-- Traditions that recall The precious memories down the years, The sameness of them all. --Helen Lowrie Marshall
It came without ribbons, It came without tags, It came without packages, boxes, or bags. Christmas can't be bought from a store... Maybe Christmas means a little bit more. --Dr.Seuss
Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. -- Hamilton Wright Mabi
Wednesday, December 26, 2001, 4:18:44 AM
Don't expect too much of Christmas Day. You can't crowd into it any arrears of unselfishness and kindliness that may have accrued during the past twelve months. --Oren Arnold
I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month. --Harlan Miller (Better Homes and Gardens)
Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart. --Washington Irving
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. --Erma Bombeck
A Christmas candle is a lovely thing; It makes no noise at all, But softly gives itself away; While quite unselfish, it grows small. --Eva K. Logue
Let Christmas not become a thing Merely of merchant's trafficking, Of tinsel, bell and holly wreath And surface pleasure, but beneath The childish glamour, let us find Nourishment for heart and mind. Let us follow kinder ways Through our teeming human maze, And help the age of peace to come. --Madeline Morse
Tuesday, December 25, 2001, 9:46:23 AM
Until one feels the spirit of Christmas, there is no Christmas. All else is outward display -- so much tinsel and decorations. For it isn't the holly, it isn't the snow. It isn't the tree not the firelight's glow. It's the warmth that comes to the hearts of men when the Christmas spirit returns again. --Unknown
The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas. --W. C. Jones
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. --Burton Hillis
Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind. --Helen Steiner Rice
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. --Calvin Coolidge
Heap on the wood!-- the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still. --Sir Walter Scott
Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day. --Helen Steiner Rice
Whatever else be lost among the years, Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing: Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears, Let us hold close one day, remembering Its poignant meaning for the hearts of men. Let us get back our childlike faith again. --Grace Noll Crowell
Monday, December 24, 2001, 8:06:58 AM
The sun shines on shop signs.
The shady shoe shop shows sharp sharkskin shoes.
A noise annoys an oyster, but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Rush the washing, Russell!
The seething sea ceaseth seething.
Awful old Ollie oils oily autos.
Mummies munch much mush.
This is a zither.
Ike ships ice chips in ice chip ships.
She says she shall sew a sheet.
Feed the flies fly food, Floyd!
Miss Smith dismisseth us.
Ted threw Fred thirty-three free throws.
Rex wrecks wet rocks.
Sunday, December 23, 2001, 7:28:40 AM
English Around The World
At a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
At a Budapest hotel: "All rooms not denounced by twelve o'clock will be paid for twicely."
In a Hong Kong supemarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
At a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
In a tailor shop in Rhodes: "Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict order."
A laundry in Rome: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
In a Czech tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours-we guarantee no miscarriages."
On a Viennese restaurant menu: "Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep."
In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."
A doctor's office in Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In a Moscow hotel: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
At a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
At a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
At a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Saturday, December 22, 2001, 6:54:57 AM
"I have the most reliable friend you can have in American politics and that is ready money." --Sen. Phil Gramm
"There's nothing wrong with this country that we couldn't cure by turning it over to the police for a couple of weeks." -- George Wallace, in 1967
"We've never had a president named Bob. And I think it's time." -- Bob Dole
"There's no ethical problem there. I used to teach ethics -- trust me." -- William Bennett, Bush's antidrug czar, championing the idea of decapitating drug dealers
"Too bad ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." -- Henry Kissinger
"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen." -- Mort Sahl
"I never use the words 'Democrats' and 'Republicans.' It's 'liberals' and 'Americans."' -- James Watt, interior
secretary in the Reagan administration
"Washington is a city of southern efficiency and northern charm." -- John F. Kennedy
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think." -- Milton Berle
"You might be interested to know that the Scriptures are on our side on this." -- Ronald Reagan, defending his arms-buildup program
Friday, December 21, 2001, 7:18:04 AM
I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my chest.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
Thursday, December 20, 2001, 7:13:37 AM
I'm Glad I'M A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive forever before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see --I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know, I've got far too much pride!
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then do you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Wednesday, December 19, 2001, 9:51:35 AM
The Night Before Christmas (PC)
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football. Someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.
Tuesday, December 18, 2001, 5:19:49 AM
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Monday, December 17, 2001, 6:01:56 PM
From Scott Carpenter
And now, Deep Thoughts... (by Jack Handey)
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or, "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo, I'd have all my money back.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
Monday, December 17, 2001, 6:42:31 AM
What Men Wished Women Knew
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat. When the lid is up, put it down.
Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to find that perfect present, again.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday sports -- it's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. It can't be altered, so just let it be.
Don't ask us what we're thinking, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops, or carburetors.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really!
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark all anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, peeing standing up is harder than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime.
Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out if 30 would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, but not both.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Saturday, December 15, 2001, 7:34:53 AM
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, you're not spending enough time with her.
If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Friday, December 14, 2001, 6:20:45 AM
Actual Hospital Chart Comments
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (Ouch!!!)
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (This chart was framed and now hangs on his wall. No pun intended)
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. (He was a lawyer before)
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Thursday, December 13, 2001, 6:52:30 AM
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating on my shot.
Once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my SECOND shot?"
Wednesday, December 12, 2001, 6:32:55 AM
A book reads the better which is our own, and has been so long known to us, that we know the topography of its blots, and dog's ears, and can trace the dirt in it to having read it at tea with buttered muffins. -- Charles Lamb
I know every book of mine by its smell, and I have but to put my nose between the pages to be reminded of all sorts of things. -- George Robert Gissing
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket. -- Chinese Proverb
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. -- Joe Ryan
Books let us into their souls and lay open to us the secrets of our own. -- William Hazlitt
My test of a good novel is dreading to begin the last chapter. -- Thomas Helm
A dirty book is rarely dusty. -- Author Unknown
You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend. -- Paul Sweeney
Tuesday, December 11, 2001, 6:50:01 AM
Osama In Hell
Osama bin Laden dies and goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Monday, December 10, 2001, 7:18:36 AM
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On a shoe makers shop, "I can save your soles and I'm willing to dye for you."
Sunday, December 09, 2001, 6:39:10 AM
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Saturday, December 08, 2001, 6:30:51 AM
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day . . . $5.00
Fly Feature . . . no charge
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . $1.00
Friday, December 07, 2001, 11:43:39 AM
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
Thursday, December 06, 2001, 8:50:50 AM
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there is long 20 passage during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak off stage and go to the tavern next door for aquick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Wednesday, December 05, 2001, 6:51:40 AM
Quotes On Humor
Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom. -- Taki
Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. -- Christopher Morley
Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. -- Irvin S. Cobb
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. -- Francis Bacon
Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public. -- Tom Walsh
Humor has a way of bringing people together. It unites people. In fact, I'm rather serious when I suggest that someone should plant a few whoopee cushions in the United Nations. -- Ron Dentinger
Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. -- Author Unknown
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity. -- James Thurber
Tuesday, December 04, 2001, 6:42:24 AM
The Difference Between Heaven & Hell
In Heaven the Swiss run the Finances, the Italians are in charge of Cooking, the French are in charge of Romance, the Germans are in charge of Production,
and the English are in charge of the Police.
In Hell, the Swiss run Romance, the Italians run Production, the French run Finances, the Germans are in charge of the Police and the English are in charge of Cooking.
Monday, December 03, 2001, 6:20:38 AM
More On Writing
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach
When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing. -- Enrique Jardiel Poncela
I asked Ring Lardner the other day how he writes his short stories, and he said he wrote a few widely separated words or phrases on a piece of paper and then went back and filled in the spaces. -- Harold Ross
When you are describing,
A shape, or sound, or tint;
Don't state the matter plainly,
But put it in a hint;
And learn to look at all things,
With a sort of mental squint.
-- Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (Lewis Carroll)
Writing comes more easily if you have something to say. -- Sholem Asch
If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. -- Lord Byron
I'd rather be caught holding up a bank than stealing so much as a two-word
phrase from another writer. -- Jack Smith
The process of writing has something infinite about it. Even though it is interrupted each night, it is one single notation. -- Elias Canetti
Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression. The chasm is never completely bridged. We all have the conviction, perhaps illusory, that we have much more to say than appears on the paper. -- Isaac Bashevis Singer
What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out of the window. -- Burton Rascoe
Sunday, December 02, 2001, 7:43:11 AM
Things Not To Say To A Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars
around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says, "Gee Son, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Saturday, December 01, 2001, 7:59:21 AM
Slogans For The Uninspired
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
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