Graffiti Board Archive
Thursday, January 31, 2002, 6:36:23 AM
A Full Life
A Full Life
A boat is docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist is complimenting a Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asks how long it takes him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. Then, with the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Also, instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge and successful enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty five years, at the most" replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"
Wednesday, January 30, 2002, 6:28:34 AM
What is more important in a library than anything else - than everything else - is the fact that it exists. -- Archibald MacLeish
A library is thought in cold storage. -- Herbert Samuel
It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it. -- Oscar Wilde
Perhaps no place in any community is so totally democratic as the town library. The only entrance requirement is interest. -- Lady Bird Johnson
A book must be an ice-axe to break the seas frozen inside our soul. -- Franz Kafka
Lord! when you sell a man a book you don't sell just twelve ounces of paper and ink and glue - you sell him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humor and ships at sea by night - there's all heaven and earth in a book, a real book. -- Christopher Morley
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all. -- Abraham Lincoln
The smallest bookstore still contains more ideas of worth than have been presented in the entire history of television. -- Andrew Ross
I've never known any trouble that an hour's reading didn't assuage. -- Montesquieu
Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures. -- Jessamyn West
Tuesday, January 29, 2002, 6:42:20 AM
At a maternity ward: No Children Allowed
At a gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a radiator-repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
At a shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
At a military base: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a dry cleaner: 38 years on the same spot.
At a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
At a convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
At an appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
At a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
At a restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
At a church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
At a dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
At a shopping mall: Archery tournament -- ears pierced.
At a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
At a highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Monday, January 28, 2002, 6:33:39 AM
More Court Transcripts
Q: "James shot Tommy Lee?"
Q: "Then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?"
A: "No sir, just above it."
Q: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
A: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
Q: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
A: "Not yet."
Q: "The hospital is to the right?"
A: "It was on this side."
Q: "When you say this side, can you say right or left?"
A: "Sure. Right or left."
Judge (to jury): "If that be your verdict, so say you all."
Two Jurors: "You all."
Q: "Doctor, will you take a look at those X-rays and tell us something about the injury?"
A: "Let's see, which side am I testifying for?"
Q: "How would you expect somebody to react, being stabbed six times in this fashion?"
A: "Well, it might slow him down a little."
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Q: "And what did he do then?"
A: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Q: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or a female?"
The Court: "You've been charged with armed robbery. Do you want the court to appoint a lawyer to represent you?"
Defendant: "You don't have to appoint a very good lawyer, I'm going to plead guilty."
Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He says, 'I have to kill you be- cause you can identify me."
Q: "Did he kill you?"
Judge: "Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?"
Foreman: "Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane."
Sunday, January 27, 2002, 6:50:30 AM
Two morticians were laying out a body, and one of them said to the other, "Look at this. I never saw this before. This guy has a cork in his asshole!"
The other mortician said, "Well, take it out."
So the first mortician did so, and country music started playing. The first mortician said, "Listen to that! I never heard that before."
The other mortician said. "I don't know why you are so surprised. Any asshole can play country music."
Saturday, January 26, 2002, 7:50:42 AM
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty . . . unless I come on duty.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Chemey?
A Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Chemey, and said he was really good.
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son of a bitch and she did!
Q: I understand you're Dean Roberts' mother.
Q: How long have you known him?
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
Q (to opposing attorney): Why don't you let her ask a question?
Witness: I thought you did.
Opposing Attorney: I thought I did, too.
Q: Well, I don't know what it is.
Opposing Attorney: Well, the witness does, and I do.
Witness: What's your question?
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 90, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
D.A.: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
Friday, January 25, 2002, 6:18:07 AM
Rita Rudner Quotes
"Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?"
"When I want to end relationships I just say, 'I want to marry you so we can live together forever.' Sometimes they leave skid marks."
"Waiters and waitresses are becoming much nicer and more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say, 'Thank you.' That graduated into 'Have a nice day. That's now escalated into 'You take care of yourself, now.' The other day I paid my check-the waiter said, 'Don't put off that mammogram.'"
"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?" Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that."
"My husband is English and I'm American. I wonder what our children would be like. They'd probably be rude, but disgusted by their own behavior."
"I'm afraid of planes-I don't trust the oxygen mask. The little orange cup -- attached to that bag that's full of nothing. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't even think that it's an oxygen mask. I think it's more to just muffle the screams."
"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain, and bought jewelry."
"I have a friend who's so into recycling she'll only marry a man who's been married before."
Thursday, January 24, 2002, 6:46:04 AM
The Last (whew!) Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A2: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A3: In earlier work, Wiener  has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
A4: If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle . . . and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Wednesday, January 23, 2002, 6:27:59 AM
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace."
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000001.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, And the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk and the others. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Tuesday, January 22, 2002, 6:19:04 AM
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A2: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile . . .
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Monday, January 21, 2002, 7:10:45 AM
Light Bulb Jokes . . . More
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb Administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: A tree in a golden forest.
A2: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A3: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen Answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A4: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Sunday, January 20, 2002, 7:52:43 AM
Let There Be, Um, More Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many IBM Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
A2: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many (ethnic of your choice) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong (ethnic of your choice) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Saturday, January 19, 2002, 8:04:16 AM
Light Bulbs, Still
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Friday, January 18, 2002, 6:29:15 AM
Yes, More Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Californians screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to turn up the day before when you're out; One to change the switch; One to bring along the wrong sort of light bulb.
Q: How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
A2: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A3: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right . . . I'll just sit here in the dark . . .")
Q: How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Thursday, January 17, 2002, 6:37:16 AM
Yes, Even More Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2PM and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with him.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a MacIntosh user.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.
Wednesday, January 16, 2002, 6:44:44 AM
More Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A2: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None 'o yo' friggin' business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; it's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. That's a hardware problem.
A2: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A3: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. That's a software problem.
A2: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle . . .
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Tuesday, January 15, 2002, 6:44:04 AM
Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: Do you know how many jazz musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A1: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A2: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Monday, January 14, 2002, 7:01:42 AM
"Our similarities are different." -- Dale Berra, on his father Yogi
"Sutton lost 13 games in a row without winning a ball game." -- Ralph Kiner
"It's not so much maturity as it is growing up." -- Jay Miller, hockey player, asked if his improved play was due to maturity
"I've got a great repertoire with my players." -- Danny Ozark
"Three things are bad for you. I can't remember the first two, but doughnuts are the third." -- Bill Petersen
"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them." -- Casey Stengel
"Tony Gwynn was named player of the year for April." -- Ralph Kiner
"I just talked to the doctor. He told me her contraptions were an hour apart." -- Mackey Sasser, on his wife's pregnancy
"Noah." -- Barry Bonnel, former Seattle Mariner, asked to name his all-time favorite Mariner
"His reputation preceded him before he got here." -- Don Mattingly
"He slides into second with a stand-up double." -- Jerry Coleman
"Not true at all. Vaseline is manufactured right here in the USA." -- Don Sutton, on accusations that he doctored baseballs with a foreign substance
"You have to be stupid, and this works out well for me." -- Bubba Baker, on playing in the NFL
"I'm going to cancel my prescription." -- Bob Stanley, on being criticized in a Boston paper
"What would I do that for? It only gets Spanish stations." -- Jeff Stone, on why he wouldn't bring his TV back to the U.S. after playing in Venezuela
Sunday, January 13, 2002, 5:59:21 PM
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.
Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and ET? ET phoned home.
How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Saturday, January 12, 2002, 7:58:16 AM
1) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
2) Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
3) It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
4) Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
5) When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
6) To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
7) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
8) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
9) You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
10) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
11) If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
12) At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
13) When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
14) Following the rules will not get the job done.
15) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
16) No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17) The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Friday, January 11, 2002, 7:26:46 AM
Off the back roads, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down, I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to put down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to put down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the Dr.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Thursday, January 10, 2002, 6:26:05 AM
You Won't See Me
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Wednesday, January 09, 2002, 7:06:05 AM
FOR SALE Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Snow blower for sale . . . only used on snowy days.
Great Dames for sale.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free puppies . . . part German Shepherd, part dog.
'83 Toyota hunchback $2,000.
Free puppies: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Full-sized mattress, 20 yr. warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track: $300. Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
WANTED Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions.
Attractive Girl Needed. Exciting interesting work. Lucrative. Nudity required.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Miscellaneous Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
Open house: Body shapers, toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.
Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out awhile . . . better be reward.
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Get a Little John: The traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Tuesday, January 08, 2002, 7:55:59 AM
Quotes From Al Capone
"Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system."
"Vote early and vote often."
"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."
"I'm like any other man. All I do is supply a demand."
"[Communism] is knocking at our gates, and we can't afford to let it in . . . We must keep America whole and safe and unspoiled. We must keep the worker away from Red literature and Red ruses; we must see that his mind remains healthy."
Monday, January 07, 2002, 6:49:28 AM
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
To see If the car was on the way down.
Here lies Matthew Mudd,
Death did him no hurt;
When alive he was only Mudd,
But now he's only dirt.
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
This ground with gravity:
Dentist Brown is filling
His last cavity.
My wife is dead
And here she ties:
And nobody cries:
Where she is gone to
And how she fares
And nobody cares.
He angled in the babbling brook
With all his angler's skill.
He lied about the fish he took
And here he's lying still.
Therefore I weep.
Beneath this stone
Lie Humphrey and Joan,
Who rest together in peace,
But now all quarrels cease.
Here ties John Racket
In his wooden jacket
Kept neither horses nor mules
Lived a hog
Died a dog
And left all his money to fools
Here lies Ann Mann.
She lived an old maid
But died an old Mann
Nott born, Nott dead
Here lies a woman
And who was Nott.
Dr. I. Lettsom
When people's ill, they comes to I,
I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
Sometimes they live, sometimes they die;
What's that to I? I. Lettsom.
Sunday, January 06, 2002, 8:18:37 AM
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
Why does the term jerk apply only to men?
My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.
Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I hear using that language are teenagers.
The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.
To err is human, to moo, bovine.
There's a saying in Washington that if you're not completely confused, then you're totally uninformed.
When it snows, do the home school kids get the day off?
I always try to count my blessing, but I am no good at fractions.
Saturday, January 05, 2002, 3:00:52 PM
Astronomers = Moon Starers
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
Clothespins = So Let's Pinch
A Decimal Point = I'm A Dot In Place
Tired Nerves = Drive Tenser
Valentine Poems = Pen Mates In Love
A Shoplifter = Has To Pilfer
A Domesticated Animal = Docile, As A Man Tamed It
Payment Received = Every Cent Paid Me
New York Times = Monkeys Write
Circumstantial Evidence = Can Ruin A Selected Victim
Males Never Ask For Directions = Keen Crisis Of Men's Road Travel
The Eyes = They See
Friday, January 04, 2002, 8:37:58 AM
Thursday, January 03, 2002, 12:48:08 PM
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Clint Eastwood = Old West Action
Mother-In-Law = Woman Hitler
Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One
David Letterman = Nerd Amid Late TV
Western Union = No Wire Unsent
The Countryside = No City Dust Here
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Astronomers = No More Stars
Debit Card = Bad Credit
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost In 'Em
Conversation = Voices Rant On
Statue Of Liberty = Built To Stay Free
Contradiction = Accord Not In It
Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter
Animosity = Is No Amity
The Railroad Train = Hi! I Rattle And Roar
The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
The Detectives = Detect Thieves
A Gentleman = Elegant Man
Wednesday, January 02, 2002, 6:39:25 AM
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys -- all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits first, and most of the time, they will eventually produce shit for all the monkeys below. And all the time, that's what the monkeys below will get.
For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first kiss plenty of ass in order to move up. How high they climb will have to depend on how good they kiss. And always if the one on top will not kiss any ass, his ass will get kicked!
During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys on the top may fall a few branches down and hit the monkeys below. The monkeys below will be fallen upon and eventually some will fall off the tree. As compensation, these monkeys that fell off get to keep the fruits that were shaken off the tree during the commotion. The tree becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal.
And that is what we call a corporate lifecycle.
Tuesday, January 01, 2002, 5:29:01 AM
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Shot Off Woman's Leg Help Nicklaus To 66
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Bomb Hit By Library
After Detour To California Shuttle Returns To Earth
Boy Declared Dead, Revives As Family Protests
Dead Coyote Found In Bronx Launches Search For Its Mate
Childbirth Is Big Step To Parenthood
42 Percent Of All Murdered Women Are Killed By The Same Man
National Hunting Group Targeting Women
Fire Officials Grilled Over Kerosene Heaters
Police Can't Stop Gambling
Ability To Swim May Save Children From Drowning
Low Wages Said Key To Poverty
Youth Hit By Car Riding Bicycle
Hostage-Taker Kills Self; Police Shoot Each Other
Testicle Cargo Seized
Check With Doctors Before Getting Sick
Police Kill Youth In Effort To Stop His Suicide Attempt
Intern Gets Taste Of Government
Convicted S&L Chief Donated To University
Study: Dead Patients Usually Not Saved
Parking Lot Floods When Man Bursts
U.S. Ships Head To Somalia
U.S. Advice: Keep Drinking Water From Sewage
Suicides Asked To Reconsider
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out
New Autos To Hit 5 Million
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