Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
February 2002


Thu, Feb 28, 2002, 6:33:32 PM
Clinton Soup
    One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest soup creation, "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

Wed, Feb 27, 2002, 9:36:14 AM
Real Résumé Bloopers
    "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

    REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
    -- Responsibility makes me nervous.
    -- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
    -- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
    -- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three previous employers.
    -- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.

    JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
    -- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
    -- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

    SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
    -- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
    -- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
    -- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.

    DISABILITIES:
    -- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

    PERSONAL INTERESTS:
    -- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

    TYPOS:
    -- Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
    -- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
    -- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
    -- I'm a rabid typist.
    -- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.


Tue, Feb 26, 2002, 6:51:56 AM
Models Speak Out
    "I don't have to fake dumb. I am dumb." -- Jerry Hall

    "I don't wake up for less than $ 10,000 a day." -- Linda Evangelista

    "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory

    "I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood." -- Brooke Shields

    "Blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired of talking about myself." -- Elle Macpherson

    "I don't think I was born beautiful. I just think I was born me." -- Naomi Campbell

    "I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am." -- Samantha Fox "

    Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson

    "I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know." -- Barbi Benton

    "People think modeling's mindless, that you just stand there and pose, but it doesn't have to be that way. I like to have a lot of input. I know how to wear a dress, whether it should be shot with me standing up or sitting. And I'm not scared to say what I think." -- Linda Evangelista

    "I look at modeling as something I'm doing for black people in general." -- Naomi Campbell

    "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -- Linda Evangelista

    "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley


Mon, Feb 25, 2002, 5:12:13 PM
More Science Quotes
    Louise: "How did you get here?" Johnny: "Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday." -- From the movie Naked

    Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. -- Henri Poincaré

    The radical novelty of modern science lies precisely in the rejection of the belief, which is at the heart of all popular religion, that the forces which move the stars and atoms are contingent upon the preferences of the human heart. -- Walter Lippmann

    Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Whenever science makes a discovery, the devil grabs it while the angels are debating the best way to use it. -- Alan Valentine

    If we wish to make a new world we have the material ready. The first one, too, was made out of chaos. -- Robert Quillen

    In a manner which matches the fortuity, if not the consequence, of Archimedes' bath and Newton's apple, the [3.6 million year old] fossil footprints were eventually noticed one evening in September 1976 by the paleontologist Andrew Hill, who fell while avoiding a ball of elephant dung hurled at him by the ecologist David Western. -- John Reader,
    Missing Links: The Hunt for Earliest Man

    Science is a first-rate piece of furniture for a man's upper chamber, if he has common sense on the ground floor. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

    In all science, error precedes the truth, and it is better it should go first than last. -- Hugh Walpole

    There is no gravity. The earth sucks. -- Graffito

    It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. -- H.L. Mencken

    The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. -- Isaac Asimov


Sun, Feb 24, 2002, 7:55:37 AM
Science Quotes
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Henry J. Tillman

    I think science has enjoyed an extraordinary success because it has such a limited and narrow realm in which to focus its efforts. Namely, the physical universe. -- Ken Jenkins

    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain

    Nature composes some of her lovliest poems for the microscope and the telescope. -- Theodore Roszak

    The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov

    A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective. -- Edward Teller

    Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher Von Braun

    Science does not know its debt to imagination. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them. -- Sir William Bragg

    Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination. -- John Dewey

    Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men. -- Jean Rostand

    Scientists should always state the opinions upon which their facts are based. -- Unknown


Sat, Feb 23, 2002, 4:57:20 AM
Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter
    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Fri, Feb 22, 2002, 5:05:42 PM
Etiquette
    "Immoderate laughter is exceedingly unbecoming a lady; she may affect the dimple or the smile, but should carefully avoid any approximation to a horse-laugh." -- The Perfect Gentleman (1860)

    "Sending out a letter with a crooked, mangled or upside-down stamp is akin to letting your lingerie straps show." -- Good Housekeeping's Book of Today's Etiquette (1965)

    "Fingernails are another source of feminine excess. The woman who goes about her daily avocations with blood-red fingernails is merely harking back to the days of savagery, when hands smeared with blood were a sign of successful fighting." -- Things That Are Not Done (1937)

    "It's a great idea to file your fingernails in the street car, bus or train. It's certainly making the most of your time. The noise of the filing drowns the unpleasant noise of the wheels. But it is the act of an ill-bred person. Who but an ordinary person would allow her epithelium to fly all over? I think that one might as well scatter ashes after a cremation, around the neighborhood." -- Manners for Millions (1932)

    "The perfect hostess will see to it that the works of male and female authors be properly separated on her bookshelves. Their proximity, unless they happen to be married, should not be tolerated." -- Lady Gough's Etiquette (1863)

    "No matter what the fashion may be, the gloves of a well dressed woman are never so tight that her hands have the appearance of sausages." -- The New Etiquette (1940)

    "A lady-punster is a most unpleasing phenomenon, and we would advise no young woman, however skilled she may be, to cultivate this kind of verbal talent." -- Couier's Cyclopedia of Commercial and Social Information (1882)

    "Girls, never, never turn at a whistle, to see if you are wanted. A whistle is usually to call a dog." -- Good Manners (1934)

    "A beautiful eyelash is an important adjunct to the eye. The lashes may be lengthened by trimming them occasionally in childhood. Care should be taken that this trimming is done neatly and evenly, and especially that the points of the scissors do not penetrate the eye." -- Deportment (1881)

    "If a man must be forcibly detained to listen to you, you are as rude in thus detaining him, as if you had put a pistol to his head and threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred." -- The Gentleman's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness (1860)

    "Still less say of anything which you enjoy at table. 'I love melons, I love peaches, I adore grapes.' These are school-girl utterances. We love our friends. Love is an emotion of the heart, but not one of the palate. We like, we appreciate grapes, but we do not love them." -- The American Code of Manners (1880)

    "Large hats make little women look like mushrooms." -- Everyday Etiquette (1907)

    "Never use your knife to convey your food from your plate to your mouth; besides being decidedly vulgar, you run the imminent danger of enlarging the aperture from ear to ear. A lady of fashion used to say that she never saw a person guilty of this ugly habit without a shudder, as every minute she expected to see the head of the unfortunate severed from the body." -- Etiquette for the Lades (1849)

    "Certain daring necklines have a paralyzing effect on the conversation and even on the appetite of the other dinner party guests, who hope to see a little more than is already revealed and would love to change places with the waiter, who has a particularly stimulating view." -- Accent on Elegance (1970)


Thu, Feb 21, 2002, 6:40:17 AM
Ask The Experts
    "Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles; the Earth has no limbs and muscles, hence it does not move." -- Scipio Chiaramonti, professor of mathematics, University of Pisa, 1633

    "Nature intended women to be slaves. They are our property. What a mad idea to demand equality for women! Women are nothing but machines for producing children." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

    "I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything except suffocating its crew and floundering at sea." -- H. G. Wells, 1902

    "You ain't goin' nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." -- Jim Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, to Elvis Presley, 1954

    "If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one." -- The National Cancer Institute, 1954

    "The horse is here to stay, but the automobile is only a novelty -- a fad." -- Marshall Ferdinand Foch, French military strategist, 1911

    "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market for itself." -- Business Week, 1968

    "We don't believe Jackie Robinson, colored college star signed by the Dodgers for one of their farm teams, will ever play in the big leagues." -- Jimmy Powers, New York Daily News sports columnist, 1945


Wed, Feb 20, 2002, 6:48:48 AM
The Bar Of Gold
    A man came home very late, drunk out of his mind, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. "Where have you been?", she screams, "It's four in the morning!"

    He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink . . . but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shotglasses, the table posts were all gold-plated. Even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the men's room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals . . . it was wonderful."

    "I don't believe that story for one minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?"

    "Hell," he replies, "I can't remember. I got too drunk, and I forgot."

    "You'll have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said.

    The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under "BARS", but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

    "Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife. "Ask this bartender if I'm lying!"

    The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night . . . the rail, the shotglasses, the mirrors, the table posts and the cash register. Finally, she says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals. Do you?"

    The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell "Hey Louie! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone."


Tue, Feb 19, 2002, 6:59:39 AM
Quickie
    A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a mop and a beer.

Mon, Feb 18, 2002, 7:50:22 AM
Rock Stars Speak
    "I'm a mess and you're a mess, too. Everyone's a mess. Which means, actually,that no one's a mess." -- Fiona Apple

    "It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people." -- Axl Rose "

    I only answer to two people -- myself and God." -- Cher

    "I'm not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters." -- Simon LeBon, Duran Duran

    "There's a basic rule which runs through all kinds of music, kind of an unwritten rule. I don't know what it is." -- Ron Wood

    "I want to go out at the top, but the secret is knowing when you're at the top. It's so difficult in this business -- your career fluctuates all the time, up and down, like a pair of trousers." -- Rod Stewart

    "I can't think of a better way to spread the message of world peace than by working with the NFL and being part of Super Bowl XXVII." -- Michael Jackson

    "Damn, I look good with guns." -- Ted Nugent

    "We use volume to drive evil spirits out the back of your head, and by evil spirits I mean the job, the boss, the spouse, the probation officer." -- David Lee Roth

    "I should think that being my old lady would be all the satisfaction or career any woman needs." -- Mick Jagger

    "God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful." -- Donna Summer

    "I can do anything. One of these days I'll be so complete I won't be a human. I'll be a god." -- John Denver

    "Just because I have my standards, they think I'm a bitch." -- Diana Ross


Sun, Feb 17, 2002, 8:23:34 AM
Even More Headlines
    Acid Rain Linked To Emissions By Reagan's Aide

    Sudden Rush To Help People Out Of Work

    Murder By Companions Affects Inmate's Chance For Parole

    New Housing For Workers Not Yet Dead

    Airliner Is Held Up For Three Hours By Man Armed With Axe

    Big Chest Is Aid To Girl Scouts

    Death Of Bette Davis Brings Flood Of Praise

    War Dims Hope for Peace

    Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

    Runaway Killed By Gunman Buried In Pauper's Grave

    Monet to Be Sold After a Century in Hiding

Sat, Feb 16, 2002, 12:48:31 AM
More Headlines
    Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

    British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

    Teachers Strike Idle Kids

    Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

    Clinton To Have Tissue Removed From Nose

    Cops Quiz Victim In Fatal Shooting

    Capitalism Is Out of Control

    Beauty Queen Unveils Bust At Dedication Ceremony

    Columbus Discovered Virgins And They Are Still Fascinating

    More Of Us Will Live To Be Centurions

    Microsoft To Acquire Great Plains

Fri, Feb 15, 2002, 9:48:24 AM
Headlines
    Press Tours Ravaged City

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

    Cause of Odor In Barnstead Has Been Found: Crenshaw

    Illini Face Bucks With Frosty Peters Out

    Court Escapee Still On the Lamb

    Deer Kill 17,000

    Pro Baller Dies In Bed

    Penny Not Worth A Plug Nickel Any More

    Authorities Register Biggest Heroine Bust

    Attorneys Go Along With Striking Workers

    Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

    Dismemberment Killer Convicted: Thank God Jury Could Put Pieces Together

    Why You Want Sex Changes With Age

    People Should Evacuate When Gas Odor Present

    Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges


Thu, Feb 14, 2002, 6:22:20 AM
Picabo Street
    Olympic skier Picabo Street apparently came into a lot of money because of her Olympic performance this winter.

    Rather than spend it on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going to name the new unit, "Picabo, I.C.U."


Wed, Feb 13, 2002, 6:36:10 AM
Good News, Bad News
    The Good News is that Saddam Hussein says he'll allow all of his chemical, neurological, and biological weapons to be counted.

    The Bad News is that he's chosen the Arthur Anderson company to do the counting.


Tue, Feb 12, 2002, 6:32:25 AM
Never
    "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." -- Erma Bombeck

    "Never test the depth of a river with both feet." -- African adage

    "Never stand between a dog and the hydrant." -- John Peers

    "Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected." -- Robert Orben

    "Never teach your children to be cunning; you'll be one of their very first victims." -- Josh Billings

    "Never say 'oops' in the operating room." -- Dr. Leo Troy

    "Never try to pick up a woman who's wearing a Super Bowl ring." -- Garry Shandling

    "Never interrupt an enemy while he's making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

    "Never ask what goes into a hot dog." -- American adage

    "Never call a man a fool; borrow from him." -- Addison Mizner

    "Never be afraid of the deafeningly obvious. It is always news to somebody." -- P. J. Kavanagh

    "Never marry for money. You can borrow it a lot cheaper." - Ann Landers

    "Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you." -- Jean Rostand

    "Never tell a woman she doesn't look good in some article of clothing she has just purchased." -- Lewis Grizzard

    "Never start a project until you've picked someone to blame." -- Johnny Hart and Brent Parker


Mon, Feb 11, 2002, 6:27:01 AM
Package Labeling
    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

    On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

    On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery -

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside down.

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

    On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

    On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

    On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only -

    On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.


Sun, Feb 10, 2002, 8:03:04 AM
Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) 1835 - 1910
    Eloquence is the essential thing in a speech, not information.

    Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

    There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

    If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. It is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

    Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its one sure defense.

    Let us endeavor so to live, that when we die, even the undertaker will be sorry.

    Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.

    All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

    Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

    Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

    You can't depend on your eyes if your imagination is out of focus.

    Golf is a good walk spoiled.

    Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

    Everything has its limit -- iron ore cannot be educated into gold.

    It is easier to stay out than to get out.

    It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others -- and less trouble.

    I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

    Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.


Sat, Feb 09, 2002, 8:21:39 AM
It's The Law
    Zappa's Law: "There are two things on Earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity."

    The Murphy Philosophy: "Smile. Tomorrow will be worse."

    Baruch's Observation: "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

    Lowe's Law: "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view."

    Todd's Law: "All things being equal, you lose."

    Thompson's Theorem: "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

    The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: "Whoever has the gold makes the rules."

    The Unspeakable Law: "As soon as you mention something . . . if it's good, it goes away. If it's bad, it happens."

    Green's Law of Debate: "Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about."

    Hecht's Law: "There is no time like the present to procrastinate."

    The Queue Principle: "The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line."

    Johnson's Law: "If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read."

    Issawi's Law of Progress: "A shortcut is the longest distance between two points."

    Ginsberg's Theorem: "You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game."

    Perkins's Postulate: "The bigger they are, the harder they hit."

    Johnson and Laird's Law: "A toothache tends to start on Saturday night."

    The Salary Axiom: "The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay."

    Hutchin's Law: "You can't out-talk a man who knows what he's talking about."

    Wellington's Law of Command: "The cream rises to the top. So does the scum."

    Todd's Two Political Principles: "l. No matter what they're telling you, they're not telling you the whole truth. 2. No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money."

    Harrison's Postulate: "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."

    Murphy's Paradox: "Doing it the hard way is always easier."


Fri, Feb 08, 2002, 6:38:02 AM
The Olympics
    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

    "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

    "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

    "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

    "Gold of course," says the man proudly.

    The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"


Thu, Feb 07, 2002, 9:32:07 AM
The Retirement Home
    A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets an erection, she sees it, and she climbs aboard.

    The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he LIKES the retirement home.

    The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomizes the old man.

    The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.

    "But yesterday you told me you loved it there," says the son.

    "Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."


Wed, Feb 06, 2002, 6:18:46 AM
A.A.A.D.D.
    I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. --- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

    This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my Coke farther away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye; they need some water. I set the Coke on the counter and ooh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots -- Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going ! to do?

    End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

    I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...


Tue, Feb 05, 2002, 6:35:55 AM
Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield
    "My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

    "A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

    "We were poor . . . Why if I wasn't born a boy . . . I'd have nothing to play with."

    "When I played in the sand-box the cat kept covering me up.."

    "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

    "When I was born . . . the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

    "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

    "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

    "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "

    "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

    "I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get."

    "When I was born the doctor took one look at my face . . . turned me over and said, 'Look ... twins!"

    "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

    "When I was a kid, I was so short I had to blow my nose through my fly."

    "It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."


Mon, Feb 04, 2002, 7:07:27 AM
Palindromes
    A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same forward or backward. Here are some examples:

    May a moody baby doom a yam?
    Do geese see God?
    Never odd or even.
    Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
    Al lets Della call Ed Stella.
    Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts.
    Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.
    Some men interpret nine memos.
    Dennis sinned.
    No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention.
    God saw I was dog.
    Too bad I hid a boot.
    Campus motto: Bottoms up, Mac.
    'Tis in a DeSoto sedan I sit.
    No trace; not one carton.
    Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.
    Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?
    Lisa Bonet ate no basil.
    Do nine men interpret nine men? I nod.
    He did, eh?
    Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!
    Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?
    Live not on evil, madam, live not on evil.
    No sit! Away! A papaya war is on.
    Dogma: I am God.
    Oh, no -- Don Ho!
    So many dynamos.
    Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
    We panic in a pew.
    Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.
    Sun at noon, tan us.
    Lapses? Order red roses, pal.


Sun, Feb 03, 2002, 9:56:30 AM
Super Bowl Sunday
    A young man was very excited because he won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened when he found his seat was in the last row of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he saw an empty one down low in the third row. He sneaked down and approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No."

    Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

    The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she passed away this year."

    "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

    "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."


Sat, Feb 02, 2002, 12:18:32 AM
Graffiti
    To kick the bucket is beyond the pail.

    If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

    An elephant is a mouse drawm to govemnwnt specifications.

    Who gives a damn about apathy?

    Add up the spinal column and get a disc count.

    Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

    Democracy is letting the other fellow have your way.

    When all else fails, read the instructions.

    I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

    Democracy . . . three wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for lunch.

    My boss has boots so shiny I can see my face in them.

    A specialist is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.

    I wish I were what I was when I was trying to become what I am now.


Fri, Feb 01, 2002, 8:21:33 AM
Falling Down Drunk
    A guy has a few too many drinks one night, and as he's leaving the bar, he falls over.

    "I better crawl till I'm in the fresh air," he says, and crawls outside.

    He stands up again, and falls on his face.

    He says, "Geez, I guess I should crawl home too," and does so.

    At his front door, he tries to stand up, and again falls over.

    "My God," he says, "did I really have that much to drink? I'll just crawl to bed." He does, and falls asleep quickly.

    The next day, his wife wakes him and says, "Honey, you must really have been drunk last night. The bar called and said you left your wheelchair!"



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