Graffiti Board Archive
Sunday, March 31, 2002, 9:22:46 AM
The Importance Of Punctuation
Woman, without her man, is nothing.
Woman: without her, man is nothing.
Saturday, March 30, 2002, 8:28:33 AM
"Don't worry -- it's not loaded." -- Terry Kath, leader of the band Chicago, playing Russian roulette
"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis." -- Humphrey Bogart
"How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries." -- James French, executed in the electric chair, 1966
"I'll take a wee drop of that. I don't think there's much fear of me teaming to drink now." -- Dr. James Cross, Scottish physicist and
"Am I dying, or is this my birthday?" -- Lady Astor, awaking to find her relatives gathered around her bedside
"And now, I am officially dead." -- Abrarn S. Hewitt, industrial, after removing the oxygen tube from his mouth
That was a great game of golf, fellers." -- Bing Crosby
"I've had 18 straight whiskeys. I think that's the record!" -- Dylan Thomas, poet
On being told that God would forgive his sins: "Why, of course . . . That's His line of work." -- Heinrich Heine, German poet
"So little done. So much to do!" -- Alexander Graham Bell
"I desire to go to hell and not to heaven. In the former place I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, while the latter are only beggars, monks and apostles." -- Niccolo Machiavelli
"Waiting, are they? Waiting, are they? Well, let 'em wait." -- General Ethan Allen, Revolutionary War hero, on being told that "the angels are waiting for you."
Friday, March 29, 2002, 8:39:30 AM
Quotes From Resumes
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheet progroms."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. . . Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
Thursday, March 28, 2002, 7:56:21 PM
Lebanon Will Try Bombing Suspects
Man Shoots Neighbor with Machete
Stripper Resents Exposure
Multiple-Personality Rapist Sentenced To Two Life Terms
Iran Claims Success In Its Attack on Iran
Retired Priest To Marry Springsteen
Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence
Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni
19 Feet Broken In Pole Vault
Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Terminal Smog Not Lethal
Cause of Aids Found -- Scientists
Police Kill Man With TV Tuner
Milk Drinkers Are Turning To Powder
Bible Church's Focus Is The Bible
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Council to Examine Impotant Problems
Lit'erarcy Week Observed
Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Large Church Plans Collapse
Potential Witness To Murder Drunk
Britain Inches Grudgingly Toward Metric System
NJ Judge To Rule On Nude Beach
Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought
Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 6:26:57 AM
How To Handle Telemarketers
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?"
Alternately, you can tell them, "I am so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
If the caller says he's John Doe from XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name. Then ask him to spell the company name. Then ask where it's located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you couldn't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
As soon as you realize it's a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and hang up.
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, you say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon. How's your momma?"
Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write down every word.
Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 6:36:39 AM
Quotes From Madonna
If I weren't as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.
Manipulating people, that's what I'm good at.
I always want more. That's me. I'm a bitch.
I always said I wanted to be famous. I just love all the glamour and the attention.
I've always known this was going to happen to me. My success was something that was meant to be.
I wouldn't have turned out the way I was if I didn't have all those good old fashioned values to rebel against.
Shut up so I can talk!
Power is a great aphrodisiac, and I'm a very powerful person.
Losing my virginity was a career move.
Where other people are obsessed with the idea that I am always reinventing myself, I'd rather think that I'm shedding my layers, and slowly revealing myself. It feels to me like I'm just getting closer to the core of who I really am.
I am my own painting. I am my own experiment. So, I am my own work of art.
Monday, March 25, 2002, 8:29:53 AM
The Japanese eat very little fat, lots of vegetables and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat, rich cream sauces and pastries, drink very fancy red and white wines and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine, no cheese or sweets and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, eat lots of pasta in rich cheese sauces and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans eat excessive amounts of red meat and drink a lot of beer, schnapps, wine and also have fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you!
Sunday, March 24, 2002, 8:19:14 AM
Cooperman sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs. He knocked on the door of a house.
"Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Cooperman walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door. To Cooperman's shock, she stood there stark naked. Not a stitch of clothes on. Cooperman started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Cooperman, "I lost three thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of my strawberries."
Saturday, March 23, 2002, 7:57:23 AM
Steven Wright Quotes
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him, "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me -- I'm afraid of widths.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property.
The guy who lives across the street from me has a circular driveway, and he can't get out.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off. When no one's looking I'll go over to a baby and ask, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy any thing specific.
Friday, March 22, 2002, 6:18:08 AM
The only books that influence us are those for which we are ready, and which have gone a little farther down our particular path than we have yet got ourselves. -- E.M. Forster
To sit alone in the lamplight with a book spread out before you, and hold intimate converse with men of unseen generations -- such is a pleasure beyond compare. -- Kenko Yoshida
TV. If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they'll have with twenty-six. Open your child's imagination. Open a book. -- Author Unknown
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. -- Logan Pearsall Smith
Books had instant replay long before televised sports. -- Bern Williams
To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor's prohibited list. -- John Aikin
Books - the best antidote against the marsh-gas of boredom and vacuity. -- George Steiner
In reading, a lonely quiet concert is given to our minds; all our mental faculties will be present in this symphonic exaltation. -- Stéphane Mallarmé
Books can be dangerous. The best ones should be labeled "This could change your life." -- Helen Exley
Thursday, March 21, 2002, 6:31:01 AM
These are our rules! Please note . . . these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your own oil! . Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do t do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during Commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
Wednesday, March 20, 2002, 6:10:34 AM
Univer$ity i$ really great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 6:37:47 AM
Little Johnny's Fire Engine
A businessman was strolling down the street one day when he noticed that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. Strangely, it looked like the wagon was being pulled rather slowly by a huge Labrador.
When he got closer to the kid, he noticed Little Johnny had tied a rope, very tightly, around the male dog's sex organs, which would obviously account for why the dog was walking in such a gingerly manner.
He looked at Johnny and smiled. "Son, that's a great looking fire engine you got there, but I'm sure the dog would pull you much faster if you tied the rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Monday, March 18, 2002, 10:05:32 AM
The Sweet Smell
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After several years of searching, he finally finds a theatre where they seem prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. At the opening you walk on stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming.
"You idiot!" he cries. "You've ruined me!"
The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Sunday, March 17, 2002, 8:40:34 AM
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it. -- Toni Morrison
What I like in a good author is not what he says, but what he whispers. -- Logan Pearsall Smith
The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. -- Norbet Platt
It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? For the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop. -- Vita Sackville-West
Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say. -- Sharon O'Brien
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain
I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter. -- James Michener
The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say. -- Mark Twain
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. -- Isaac Bashevis Singer
Saturday, March 16, 2002, 12:38:03 AM
You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. -- Ray Bradbury
So often is the virgin sheet of paper more real than what one has to say, and so often one regrets having marred it. -- Harold Acton
The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. -- Anaïs Nin
Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. -- E.L. Doctorow
A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket. -- Charles Peguy
Writing is easy. All you have to do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. -- Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith
And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. -- Sylvia Plath
I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all. -- Richard Wright
I try to leave out the parts that people skip. -- Elmore Leonard
Friday, March 15, 2002, 6:24:22 AM
"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."
"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar."
Thursday, March 14, 2002, 6:20:20 AM
Questions For Canadian Forest Rangers
"Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?"
"Can you help me? My husband's driving me crazy and he won't shut up."
"Do you have a glacier at this visitor centre?'
"Is this a map I'm looking at?"
"Don't all Canadians wear raccoon hats? Where can I buy one?"
Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 6:22:34 AM
Comments From Visitors To USA National Parks
"We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?"
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate those annoying animals."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
"Where does Bigfoot live?"
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 6:20:57 AM
"Patient was tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
Monday, March 11, 2002, 7:12:42 AM
Kids' Excuses For Missing School
"Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It's his father's fault."
Sunday, March 10, 2002, 2:38:26 AM
Still More Sheep
This guy is shipwrecked on a desert island and is feeling really depressed. The island has fruit and everything he can eat, but he is dying for some sex and so one day he goes looking for something to screw. About an hour later, he stumbles across a clearing he has never seen before and sitting there is a sheep and a dog.
"Well," he thinks, "it's my lucky day!" and he takes the two of them back to his cave. Later that day he decides to take the sheep as he thinks it'll be more docile than the dog. Just as he gets up behind the sheep, the dog runs over and starts attacking him. He backs off and the dog calms down. Later on he tries again but the dog does exactly the same thing. This goes on for about two months and it gets to the stage that he is absolutely desperate.
One day, he sees something floating on the water towards him. He swims out to find an amazingly beautiful woman on a raft who has survived a sinking ship. He manages to get hold of the raft and take it back to his island. When he gets there the woman says, "You saved my life. I am indebted to you forever. Anything you want me to do, you just name it."
He's starved for sex, so he says, "Well, there is one thing . . . "
"Tell me what it is, I'll do anything for you."
"Can you just hold this damned dog back for two minutes?"
Saturday, March 09, 2002, 11:51:25 AM
Two farmers were talking about their sheep. The first farmer says "I'm not having any luck getting these sheep to breed."
The second farmer replies, "You have to do it yourself if you want any results."
"What do you mean?" the first farmer asks curiously.
"It's simple. Load them up in your lorry, take them around behind the barn, and do the business. Wait about three days, and you should see them start to act peculiarly."
So the first farmer thinks about this, then decides he's going to do it. The next day, he loads the sheep up in the lorry, drives them out behind the barn and proceeds to screw each one in succession.
Three days pass and he's sitting in the kitchen with his wife.
"Look out of the window and tell me if those sheep are acting peculiarly," says the farmer to his wife.
"Nothing unusual" the wife responds.
Upset, the farmer loads them up in the lorry the next day, drives them out behind the barn, and goes to town on them again. Three more days pass.
"Those sheep doing anything funny?" says the farmer to his wife, sitting in the kitchen.
"Nope." she responds.
Pissed off, the farmer decides to give it one more try. The very next day he loads them up in the lorry, drives them out behind the barn, and really screws their brains out. Three days pass, and once again he's sitting in the kitchen with his wife.
"Those sheep doing anything peculiar?" he asks, hopefully.
"As a matter of fact, yes.", replies the wife. "They're all sitting in the lorry, and one of them is honking the horn."
Friday, March 08, 2002, 6:30:49 AM
In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here, we do sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degradation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent had become very frustrated and the sheep were looking better and better. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've all been doing sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
Thursday, March 07, 2002, 6:33:50 AM
From George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar' actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.
Recently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As I emerged, a man in a wheelchair asked me indignantly, "Are you handicapped?" Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, "Not now. But I was before I went in there."
There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them.
I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.
Who says life is sacred -- God? Hey, if you read your history, God is one of the leading causes of death.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
Whenever I hear about a peacekeeping force, I wonder: If they're so interested in peace, why do they use force?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Wednesday, March 06, 2002, 7:12:31 AM
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -- Erica Jong
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. -- Gordon R. Dickson
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. -- Henry Wheeler Shaw
We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. -- Source Unknown
Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example. -- François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. -- Source Unknown
No one wants advice -- only corroboration. -- John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. -- Marquis de LaGrange
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. -- Source Unknown
It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. -- François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
In giving advice seek to help, not to please, your friend. -- Solon
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. -- Ed Howe
Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. -- Cicero
Tuesday, March 05, 2002, 9:44:57 AM
More Jock Talk
Some of the great Oedipuses in the world have been built by Donald Trump. -- Don King
Sure I've got one. It's a perfect 20-20. -- Dallas Cowboy Duane Thomas, on his IQ
Even Napoleon had his Watergate. -- Baseball manager Danny Ozark
I'm a four-wheel-drive-pickup type of guy, and so is my wife. -- Outfielder Mike Greenwell
That was the nail that broke the coffin's back. -- Basketball coach Jack Kraft
He'll take your head off at the blink of a hat. -- Joe Theismann
I look up in the stands and I see them miss balls, too. -- Outfielder Devon White, after fans booed him for dropping a fly ball
Next up is Fernando Gonzalez, who isn't playing tonight. -- Broadcaster Jerry Coleman
My grandmother told me it was good for colds. -- Outfielder Kevin Mitchell, on why he eats Vick's VapoRub
You mean the great home-run hitter? -- NJ Net Yinka Dare, asked about Beirut
I'm in favor of it, as long as it's multiple choice. -- -L.A. Laker Kurt Rambis, on drug tests
Maybe I'm not getting enough saltwater to my brain. -- Frankie Hejduk, U.S. soccer team member and surfer, on his hamstring injuries
If a guy is a good fastball hitter, does that mean I should throw him a bad fastball? -- pitcher Larry Anderson
David Cone is in a class by himself with three or four other players. -- George Steinbrenner
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