Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
April 2002

Tue, Apr 30, 2002, 6:36:23 AM
    "Although asparagus may be taken in the fingers, don't take a long drooping stalk, hold it up in the air, and catch the end of it in your mouth like a fish." -- Etiquette (1922)

    "Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly farting or trying to fart." -- Civility in Children (1530)

    "If a dish is distasteful to you) decline it, but make no remarks about it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding vermin served in a similar dish." -- Martine's Handbook of Etiquette (1866)

    "It is not the correct thing to put the spoon or fork so far into the mouth that the bystanders are doubtful of its return to the light." -- The Correct Thing in Good Society (1902)

    "No decent person laughs at a funeral." -- The Bazar Book of Decorum (1870)

    "When you have blown your nose, you should not open your handkerchief and inspect it, as though pearls or rubies had dropped out of your skull. Such behavior is nauseating and is more likely to lose us the affection of those who love us than to win us the favor of others." -- The Book of Manners (1958)

    "Never put your cold, clammy hands on a person, saying, 'Did you ever know anyone to have such cold hands as mine?" -- Manners for Millions (I 932)

    "It is unmannerly to fall asleep, as many people do, whilst the company is engaged in conversation. Their conduct shows that they have little respect for their friends and care nothing either for them or their talk. Besides, they are generally obliged to doze in an uncomfortable position, and this nearly always causes them to make unpleasant noises and gestures in their sleep. Often enough they begin to sweat and dribble at the mouth." -- The Book of Manners (1958)

    "Peevish temper, cross and frowning faces, and uncomely looks have sometimes been cured in France by sending the child into an octagonal boudoir lined with looking glasses, where, whichever way it turned, it would see the reflection of its own unpleasant features, and be constrained, out of self-respect, to assume a more amiable disposition." -- Good Behavior (1876)

    "If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to speak to him gently in the tone of request, and not of command. To speak to a waiter in a driving manner will create, among well-bred people, the suspicion that you were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on airs at the thought of your promotion." -- The Perfect Gentleman (1860)

    "It is bad manners, when you see something to nauseate you by the roadside, as sometimes happens, to turn to your companions and point it out to them. Still less should you offer any evil smelling object for others to sniff, as some people do, insisting upon holding it up to their noses and asking them to smell how horrible it is." -- The Book of Manners (1958)

    "When not practicable for individuals to occupy separate beds, the persons should be of about the same age, and in good health. Numerous cases have occurred where healthy, robust children have 'dwindled away' and died within a few months, from sleeping with old people." -- The People's Common Sense Medical Adviser (1876)

    "Applause is out of order at any religious service." -- Your Best Foot Forward (1955)

Mon, Apr 29, 2002, 6:24:50 AM
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Henry J. Tillman

    I think science has enjoyed an extraordinary success because it has such a limited and narrow realm in which to focus its efforts. Namely, the physical universe. -- Ken Jenkins

    There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. --Mark Twain

    Nature composes some of her loveliest poems for the microscope and the telescope. -- Theodore Roszak

    The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov

    A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective. -- Edward Teller

    Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher Von Braun

    Science does not know its debt to imagination. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them. -- Sir William Bragg

    Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination. -- John Dewey

    Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men. -- Jean Rostand

    Scientists should always state the opinions upon which their facts are based. -- Unknown

Sun, Apr 28, 2002, 9:11:32 AM
Bumper Stickers
    Honk if you love peace and quiet

    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

    Cole's law: thinly sliced cabbage.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    Dyslexics of the world, untie.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

    Clones are people two.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Sat, Apr 27, 2002, 12:40:40 AM
"I Love My Job" By Dr. Seuss
    I love my job, I love the pay!
    I love it more and more each day.
    I love my boss, he is the best!
    I love his boss and all the rest.

    I love my office and its location,
    I hate to have to go on vacation.
    I love my furniture, drab and grey,
    and piles of paper that grow each day!

    I think my job is really swell,
    there's nothing else I love so well.
    I love to work among my peers,
    I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

    I love my computer and its software;
    I hug it often though it won't care.
    I love each program and every file.
    I'd love them more if they worked a while.

    I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
    I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
    I love this work, I love these chores.
    I love the meetings with deadly bores.

    I love my job - I'll say it again
    I even love those friendly men.
    Those friendly men who've come today,
    In clean white coats to take me away!

Fri, Apr 26, 2002, 6:32:14 AM
    Lebanon Will Try Bombing Suspects

    Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete

    Stripper Resents Exposure

    Multiple-Personality Rapist Sentenced To Two Life Terms

    Iran Claims Success In Its Attack On Iran

    Retired Priest To Marry Springsteen

    Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence

    Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni

    19 Feet Broken In Pole Vault

    Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy

    Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters

    Terminal Smog Not Lethal

    Cause Of Aids Found-Scientists

    Police Kill Man With TV Tuner

    Milk Drinkers Are Turning To Powder

    Bible Church's Focus Is The Bible

    Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

    Stiff Opposition Expected To Casketless Funeral Plan

    Council To Examine Impotant Problems

    Lit'erarcy Week Observed

    Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

    Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

    Large Church Plans Collapse

    Potential Witness To Murder Drunk

    Britain Inches Grudgingly Towards Metric System

    NJ Judge To Rule On Nude Beach

    Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought

Thu, Apr 25, 2002, 6:40:37 AM
Two Blonds
    A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

    She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.

    Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

    The other blond responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

Wed, Apr 24, 2002, 1:32:59 PM
Let's Pick On Arkansas
    Q: Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
    A: Winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

    Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
    A: Everyone has the same DNA.

    Q: State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on Arkansas I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
    A: The driver replies, "'Bout what?"

    Q: Did you hear about the newest law in Arkansas?
    A: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

    Q: Did you hear the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down?
    A: Yeah, darn near took the whole trailer park with it!

    Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
    A: I-40.

    Two fellas from Arkansas approach each other on the street. One is carrying a sack.
    "Hey, Tommy Ray, whacha got in th' bag?"
    "Jus' some chickens."
    "If I guesses how many they are, kin I have one?"
    "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give 'em both to ya."
    "OK. Ummmmmm...five?"

    Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
    A: Somebody's fixin' to lose themselves a trailer.

    An Arkansas man came home to find his house on fire. He rushed next door and called the fire dept.
    "OK," replied the fireman, "We'll be right along. How do we get there?"
    "You still have those big red trucks, don't you?"

    Q: What do you get when you have 32 people from Arkansas in the same room?
    A: A full set of teeth.

    Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movies in groups of 18 or more?
    A: 'Cuz 17 and under's not admitted.

Tue, Apr 23, 2002, 7:22:27 AM
Alabama Vasectomy
    After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him, "There's a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it is expensive. A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to ten."

    The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy around, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in my beer can next to my ear is gonna fix me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand, "6, 7, 8 . . . "

Mon, Apr 22, 2002, 6:33:54 AM
The Sound Of Music
    "He'd be better off shoveling snow." --Richard Strauss on Arnold Schoenberg.

    When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."

    "I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony." --James Sellars

    "Exit in case of Brahms." --Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston Symphony Hall

    "Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like, it's always by Villa-Lobos?" --Igor Stravinsky

    "His music used to be original. Now it's aboriginal." --Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky

    "If he'd been making shell-cases during the war it might have been better for music." --Maurice Ravel on Camille Saint-Saens

    "He has an enormously wide repertory. He can conduct anything, provided it's by Beethoven, Brahms or Wagner. He tried Debussy's La Mer once. It came out as Das Merde." --Anonymous Orchestra Member on George Szell

    Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst enemy." "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.

    "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it." --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

    "After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter."
    --Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra

    "We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again." --Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal

    "Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost." --Anonymous

    The great German conductor Hans von Buelow detested two members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and Schmidt. Upon being told the Schmidt had died, von Buelow immediately asked, "Und Schultz?"

    "Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." --Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

    "Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20." --David Randolph

    "One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time." --Gioacchino Rossini

    "I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music." --Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress

    "Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on." --Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die Walkyre

Sun, Apr 21, 2002, 5:32:37 AM
More One-Liners
    Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

    To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    The older you get, the better you realize you were.

    Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

    Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

    Women like silent men; they think they're listening.

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Sat, Apr 20, 2002, 12:30:39 AM
    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Fri, Apr 19, 2002, 8:29:10 AM
Things That Sound Dirty At Work, But Aren't
    I need to whip it out by 5!

    Mind if I use your laptop?

    Put it in my box before I leave.

    If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

    I want it on my desk, NOW!

    Hmmm . . . I think it's out of fluid.

    My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

    It's an entry-level position.

    When do you think you'll be getting off today?

    It's not fair . . . I do all the work while he just sits there.

Thu, Apr 18, 2002, 6:30:06 AM
In Addition . . .
    From a Canadian Government handbook designed to help you survive a nuclear bombing comes this disturbing information: "If you were near the explosion without adequate protection, you would be seriously affected by the immediate radiation, in addition to being killed."

Wed, Apr 17, 2002, 12:52:25 PM
Dishwasher Repairman
    A woman's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way . . . don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

    When the repairman arrived at the woman's house the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.

    Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

    To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Tue, Apr 16, 2002, 6:57:57 AM
Little Johnny
    Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

    Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

    Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

    Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

    Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Mon, Apr 15, 2002, 6:35:13 AM
Men's Rejection Lines (and what they mean)
    I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

    There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

    I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

    My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

    I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

    I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

    It's not you, it's me..(You're ugly.)

    I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

    I'm celibate.(You're ugly.)

    Let's be friends.(You're sinfully ugly.)

Sun, Apr 14, 2002, 9:23:00 AM
Women's Rejection Lines (and what they mean)
    I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

    There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

    I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

    My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

    I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

    I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

    It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

    I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

    I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

    Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Sat, Apr 13, 2002, 1:26:17 AM
Wedded Bliss
    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, exactly how much does it cost to get married?
    And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
    Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

    My wife and I are inseparable.
    In fact, last week it took four State troopers and a dog.

    I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;
    and then it was too late.

    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
    Dad: "That is true in every country, son."

    Our last fight was my fault.
    My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust."

Fri, Apr 12, 2002, 8:16:23 AM
Answering Machine Greetings
    "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

    "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message."

    "Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

    "Hi. Now you say something."

    "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

    "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

    "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

    "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

    "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

    "This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

    "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

    "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

    "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

    "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

    "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you."

Thu, Apr 11, 2002, 7:40:01 AM
Nurses Revenge
    A bossy businessman ordered his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "Sir, I must take your temperature."

    After several minutes of complaints he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

    "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

Wed, Apr 10, 2002, 6:38:06 AM
Still More Insults
    Duran Duran: "A baroque art-rock bubblegum broadcast on a frequency understood only by female teenagers and bred field mice." -- Mark Coleman

    Bob Dylan: "Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear." -- Mike Ronson

    Clint Eastwood: Commenting on Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel -- "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -- Ronald Reagan

    Eiffel Tower: "The Empire State Building after taxes." -- Anon.

    Dwight D. Eisenhower: "As an intellectual, he bestowed upon the games of golf and bridge all the enthusiasm and perseverence that he withheld from his books and ideas." -- Emmet John Hughes

    Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Like most poets, preacher, and metaphysicians, he burst into conclusions at a spark of evidence." -- Henry Seidel Canby

    F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Fitzgerald never got rid of anything; the ghosts of his adolescense, the failures of his youth, the doubts of his maturity plagued him to the end. He was supremely a part of the world he described, so much a part that he made himself its king and then, when he saw it begin to crumble, he crumbled with it and led it to death." --John Aldridge

    F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Mr. Fitzgerald -- I believe that is how he spells his name -- seems to believe that plagiarism begins at home." -- Zelda Fitzgerald

    Gerald Ford: "Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world." -- Anon.

    Gerald Ford: "In the Bob Hope Golf Classic, the participation of President Gerald Ford was more than enough to remind you that the nuclear button was at one stage at the disposal of a man who might have either pressed it by mistake or else pressed it deliberately in order to obtain room service." -- Clive James

Tue, Apr 09, 2002, 7:06:16 AM
Even More Insults
    Calvin Coolidge: "Calvin Coolidge didn't say much, and when he did he didn't say much." -- Will Rogers

    Calvin Coolidge: "Calvin Coolidge's perpetual expression was of smelling something burning on the stove." -- Sherwin L. Cook

    Leonardo da Vinci: "Leonardo da Vinci did everything and did nothing very well." -- Marie Bashkirtseef

    Salvador Dali: "The naked truth about me is to the naked truth of Salvador Dali as an old ukelele in the attic is to a piano in a tree,
    and I mean a piano with breasts." -- James Thurber

    Salvador Dali: "Seņor Dali, born delirious, Considers it folly to be serious." -- Phyllis McGinley

    Dante: "A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs." --Friedrich Nietzsche

    James Dean: "Another dirty shirttail actor from New York." -- Hedda Hopper

    Claude Debussy: "Debussy played the piano with the lid down." -- Robert Bresson

    John Denver: "I'm a John Denver freak, and I don't give a sh*t that he looks like a f***ing turkey." -- Grace Slick

    Charles Dickens: "Of Dickens' style it is impossible to speak in praise. It is jerky, ungrammatical, and created by himself in defiance
    of rules . . . No young novelist should ever dare to imitate the style of Dickens." -- Anthony Trollope

Mon, Apr 08, 2002, 7:40:32 AM
More Insults
    Marlon Brando: "Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper." -- Rex Reed

    Lewis Carrol: (on 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland') "We fancy that any real child might be more puzzled than enchanted by this stiff, overwrought story." --'Children's Books' (1865)

    Charlie Chaplin: "If people don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting." -- Herman J. Mankiewicz

    Charlie Chaplin: "When Chaplin found a voice to say what was on his mind, he was like a child of eight writing lyrics for Beethoven's Ninth." -- Billy Wilder

    Eric Clapton: "If I go 'round to someone's house and there's an Eric Clapton record, I just walk out." -- Jon Moss

    The Clash: -- "The sheets of sound they let loose have the cumulative effect of mugging." -- The London Times (1979)

    John Cleese: "He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats." -- Roger Gellert

    Bill Clinton: "I have never seen . . . so slippery, so disgusting a candidate." -- Nat Hentoff

    Bill Clinton: "The prince of sleaze." -- Jerry Brown

Sun, Apr 07, 2002, 1:31:13 PM
    Fred Astaire: "Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." --Anonymous screen test

    Johann Sebastian Bach: "All Bach's last movements are like the running of a sewing machine." --Arnold Bax

    The Bee Gees: "Few people know that the CIA is planning to cripple Iran by playing this album on special loudspeakers secretly parachuted into the country." --'Record Mirror' (1988)

    Ludwig van Beethoven: "Beethoven's last quartets were written by a deaf man and should only be listened to by a deaf man." --Sir Thomas Beecham

    Jack Benny: "When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage -- he shot both his parents and moved in." --Bob Hope

    George Bernard Shaw: "A freakish homunculus germinated outside of lawful procreation." --Henry Arthur Jones

    George Bernard Shaw: "Shaw's works make me admire the magnificent tolerance and broadmindedness of the English." -- James Joyce

    George Bernard Shaw: "Shaw writes plays for the ages -- the ages between five and twelve." -- George Jean Nathan

    Jon Bon Jovi: "Bon Jovi sounds like bad fourth-generation metal, a smudgy Xerox of Quiet Riot." --Jimmy Guterman

    Boy George: "Boy George is all England needs -- another queen who can't dress." -- Joan Rivers

Sat, Apr 06, 2002, 2:43:08 PM
Bumper Stickers
    "Jesus is coming, everyone look busy."

    "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

    "Horn broken, watch for finger."

    "My kid had sex with your honor student."

    "If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished."

    "Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply."

    "I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

    "Jesus loves you . . . everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

    "I'm just driving this way to piss you off."

    "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

    "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

    "Hang up and drive."

    "Lord save me from your followers."

    "Guns don't kill people, postal workers do."

    "Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit."

    "I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen."

    "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

    "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

    "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

    "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

    "Diplomacy is the art of saying, 'Nice doggie!' . . . till you can find a rock."

Fri, Apr 05, 2002, 7:04:30 AM
World Humor
    An Indian was sitting with a Singaporean and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled keg of beer, when the Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were each sentenced to receive twenty lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

    So the Indian guy thought for a while and then said, "Please be tying a pillow to my back."

    This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Singaporean guy, watching the scene, said, "Please fix two pillows on my back."

    But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Malaysian fellow could say something, the Sheik said, "As you are from a small country, and your soccer team and your golfers are terrible, and your women skinny you can have two wishes!"

    "Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness," the Malaysian replied. "My first wish is I would like to have 40 lashes."

    "If you so desire," the Sheik replied with a shrug. "And your second wish?"

    "Tie the Singaporean to my back," the Malaysian answered.

Thu, Apr 04, 2002, 6:29:03 AM
Courtroom Transcripts
    Lawyer: "Okay, we've talked at length about how the accident happened. Is there anything we haven't covered that you can think of, anything in your mind that you're thinking about how the accident happened that I haven't asked you and you're thinking, 'He hasn't asked me that,' and 'I'm not going to tell him because he hasn't asked me.' Is there anything?"
    Witness: "Have you lost your mind?"

    Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    Q: "Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?"
    A: "The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."

    Q: "Why do you handle the family finances?"
    A: "Because my mom and sister ain't that bright."

    Q: "Is there a difference between a reconditioned and rebuilt piece of equipment in your mind, if you have one?"

    Q: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    Q: "Are you being selective about what you remember and what you don't remember as to the details of your previous record?"
    A: "I don't remember."

    Q: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    Defendant: "You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and sitting downstairs with a bunch of criminals."
    Judge: "I have to do the same thing every day."
    Defendant: "Yeah, but you don't have to sit down in a holding tank with 'em."
    Judge: "Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients."

    Q: "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"

Wed, Apr 03, 2002, 2:42:26 PM
    A guy goes to see a doctor because his penis is orange.

    The doctor says, "I'm not sure what could cause this. What do you do for a living?"

    The guy says, "I'm an accountant."

    The doctor says, "Well that doesn't help. What do you do for fun?"

    The guy says, "Nothing special. I usually get a bowl of Cheetos and watch porno."

Tue, Apr 02, 2002, 9:22:13 PM
On Writing
    Don't be too harsh to these poems until they're typed. I always think typescript lends some sort of certainty: at least, if the things are bad then, they appear to be bad with conviction. -- Dylan Thomas

    Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. -- William Wordsworth

    The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. -- Vladimir Nabakov

    Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. -- Anton Chekhov

    Easy reading is damn hard writing. -- Nathaniel Hawthorne

    Metaphors have a way of holding the most truth in the least space. -- Orson Scott Card

    A metaphor is like a simile. -- Author Unknown

    The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

Mon, Apr 01, 2002, 3:42:37 PM
West Virginia Virus
    You have just received the "West Virginia Virus."

    As we ain't got no programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

    Thanks for your cooperation,
    West Virginia University
    Computer Engineering Dept.

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