Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
May 2002

Fri, May 31, 2002, 9:24:34 AM
More Student Analogies
    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. -- Sue Lin Chong, Washington

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.-- Joseph Romm, Washington

    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.-- Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.-- Russell Beland, Springfield

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.-- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.-- Roy Ashley, Washington

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.-- Russell Beland, Springfield

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.-- Unknown

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.-- Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.-- Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.--Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse NY

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.-- Russell Beland, Springfield

    The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.-- Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

    The red brick wall was the color of a brick -red Crayola crayon.-- Unknown

    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.-- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

    Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.-- Sandra Hull, Arlington

    The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Jeopardy.-- Jean Sorensen, Herndon

    Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.-- Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.-- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

    The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.-- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.-- John Kammer, Herndon

    Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.-- Barbara Collier, Garrett Park

Wed, May 29, 2002, 6:36:51 AM
Student Analogies
    She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.--Susan Reese, Arlington

    It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.-- Marian Carlsson, Lexington

    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

    The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.-- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

    The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.-- Unknown

    It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.--Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.-- Susan Reese, Arlington

    Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

    She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.-- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

    She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.-- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

    Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.-- Sue Lin Chong, Washington

    It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.-- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

    She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

Tue, May 28, 2002, 7:56:01 AM
    Herman's Hermits: "It would be cheaper, and no more unpleasant, to record yourself in the shower while holding your nose." -- Dave Marsh

    Charlton Heston (in Ben Hur): "Charlton Heston throws all his punches in the first ten minutes (three grimaces and two intonations) so that he has nothing left long before he stumbles to the end, four hours later, and has to react to the crucifixion. He does make it clear, I must admit, that he disapproves of it." -- Dwight MacDonald

    Adolf Hitler: "If Hitler were to invade Hell, I would find occasion to make a favorable reference to the devil." -- Winston Churchill

    Buddy Holly: "The biggest no-talent I ever worked with." -- Paul Cohen

    Herbert Hoover: "Hoover isn't a stuffed shirt. But at times he can give you the most convincing impersonation of a stuffed shirt you ever saw." -- Anon.

    Herbert Hoover: "Such a little man could not have made so big a depression." -- Norman Thomas

    Aldous Huxley: "The stupid person's idea of a clever person." -- Elizabeth Bowen

    Michael Jackson: "He's a great singer -- but he's not the most masculine guy, is he?" -- Alexander O'Neal

    Mick Jagger: "He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire." -- Truman Capote

    Thomas Jefferson: "Jeffersonian Democracy simply meant the possession of the federal government by the agrarian masses led by an aristocracy of slave-owning masses." -- Charles A. Beard

    Janis Joplin: "I couldn't stand Janis Joplin's voice. She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick." -- Arthur Lee

    John F. Kennedy: "The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin." -- Lyndon B. Johnson

    Abraham Lincoln: "His mind works in the right directions but seldom works clearly and cleanly. His bread is of unbolted flour, and much straw, too, mixes in the bran, and sometimes gravel stones." -- Henry Ward Beecher

    Douglas MacArthur: "MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat." -- Harold Ickes

    Madonna: "She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else." -- Morrissey

    Dean Martin: "Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing." -- Harry Medved

    Groucho Marx: "He's a male chauvinistic piglet." -- Betty Friedan

    Henri Matisse: "It was a tremendous effort on his part, a thing brilliant and powerful, but the nastiest smear of paint I had ever seen." -- Leo Stein

    Ethel Merman: "Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats. -- Walter Kerr

    Claude Monet: "It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before." -- Charivari

    Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler." -- Tony Curtis

    Marilyn Monroe: "She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short." -- Clive James

Mon, May 27, 2002, 5:57:15 AM
Even More Quickies
    Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

    Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

    If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

    Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

    Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

    How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

    If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

    Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

    Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

    Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

    Why do we have to wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

    Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Sun, May 26, 2002, 1:25:18 PM
More Quickies
    How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

    Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

    Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

    Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

    Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

    If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

    If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

    What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

    If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

    Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

    When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?. It sounds like a near hit to me!

    Do fish get cramps after eating?

    Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Fri, May 24, 2002, 6:35:06 AM
Corn Flakes
    Three young brothers were upstairs in their bedroom practicing swearing. The oldest boy suggests that they should try out their new-found skill on their parents. "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell,' and you say 'damn,' and you say 'ass'." The other brothers agree.

    As the three boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her oldest son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The boy replies, "Hell, Mom, I'll just have some Corn Flakes."

    The surprised mother reacts with a swift whack on the boy's bottom and tells him to go to his room. The boy runs upstairs, crying and rubbing his backside.

    With a sterner voice, the mother asks the middle son what he wants for breakfast. The boy replies, "I'll have some damn Corn Flakes."

    She whacks him hard on the butt and sends him up to his room.

    "And what would you like for breakfast?" she asks the youngest son.

    "Well I'd be a f***ing a**hole if I asked for Corn Flakes."

Thu, May 23, 2002, 6:17:18 AM
Science News
    New Element Discovered

    Thu May 23, 7:17 PM ET
    WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium".

    Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 Assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

    Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

    Administratium has a normal half-life of three years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

Wed, May 22, 2002, 7:19:16 AM
    A Scottish man was at his first baseball game. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run, run!"

    This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called, "Walk," and the batter started on a slow trot to first.

    The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "Run, ye bastard, run!"

    Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

    The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

Tue, May 21, 2002, 7:36:02 AM
The Dead Hunter
    Two hunters from Alabama are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does not appear to be breathing. The other whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps out to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator says, "Calm down. Just take it easy. First let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

Mon, May 20, 2002, 8:07:32 AM
The Splint
    A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

    When he finally gets himself to the doctor he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin."

    The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided splint, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

    The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

    He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Sun, May 19, 2002, 11:36:59 AM
More Quickies
    If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

    I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

    How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?

    After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

    Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

    If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

    I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections.

    Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics.

    When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

    Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

    Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Sat, May 18, 2002, 12:49:23 AM
    Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

    If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

    If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

    If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

    Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

    Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Fri, May 17, 2002, 2:06:06 PM
    There is a wonder in reading Braille that the sighted will never know: to touch words and have them touch you back. -- Jim Fiebig

    If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. -- Cicero

    Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. -- Mark Twain

    If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading are precisely those that challenge our convictions. -- Author Unknown

    Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house. -- Henry Ward Beecher

    A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone. -- Jo Godwin

    Libraries are the one American institution you shouldn't rip off. -- Barbara Kingsolver

    "Tell me what you read and I'll tell you who you are" is true enough, but I'd know you better if you told me what you reread. -- François Mauriac

    To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting. -- Edmund Burke

    Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes. -- John LeCarre

    Never judge a book by its movie. -- J.W. Eagan

Thu, May 16, 2002, 6:52:47 AM
Magic Mirror
    A blonde a brunette and a redhead go to a magic mirror. You stand in front of the mirror and tell it something. If you tell a lie you disappear.

    The brunette stood in front of the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest person in the world," and poof she disappeared.

    The redhead stood in front of the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful person in the world," and poof she disappeared.

    The blonde stood in front of the mirror and said, "I think . . ." and poof she disappeared

Wed, May 15, 2002, 7:04:36 AM
Political Talk
    Bill Clinton: "This is still the greatest country in the world, if we just will steel our wills and lose our minds."

    Bill Clinton: "They've managed to keep their unemployment low although their overall unemployment is high."

    U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer: "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."

    Former Attorney General Janet Reno: "I will always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do."

Tue, May 14, 2002, 6:50:28 AM
How To Impress
    Compliment her,
    Respect her,
    Honor her,
    Cuddle her,
    Kiss her,
    Caress her,
    Love her,
    Stroke her,
    Tease her,
    Comfort her,
    Protect her,
    Hug her,
    Hold her,
    Spend money on her,
    Wine and Dine her,
    Buy things for her,
    Listen to her,
    Care for her,
    Stand by her,
    Support her,
    Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

    Show up naked.
    Bring food.

Mon, May 13, 2002, 6:33:56 AM
Do You Want To Go To Heaven?
    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    The man said, "I do Father."

    The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

    Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

    "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

    "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

    The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Sun, May 12, 2002, 7:41:13 AM
    The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place in the air. All I must do is find it and copy it. -- Jules Renard

    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. -- Author Unknown

    A writer is someone who can make a riddle out of an answer. -- Karl Kraus

    A prose writer gets tired of writing prose, and wants to be a poet. So he begins every line with a capital letter, and keeps on writing prose. -- Samuel McChord Crothers, "Every Man's Natural Desire to Be Somebody Else"

    When once the itch of literature comes over a man, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen. But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must scratch any way you can. -- Samuel Lover

    I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. -- James Michener

    If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster. -- Isaac Asimov

    Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. -- Nathaniel Hawthorne

    A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. -- William Strunk, Jr.

    I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor (Name Unknown), Ohio University

    It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Sat, May 11, 2002, 12:10:14 AM
Soiled Sheets
    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the soiled sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck was that all about?"

    Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I'm not sure, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Fri, May 10, 2002, 7:03:15 AM
What They Say At The Funeral
    Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

    The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Thu, May 09, 2002, 6:38:13 AM
    A Catholic minister went into deepest Africa in an attempt to work with and convert a tribe to the Catholic religion. He wasn't able to speak the language very well, so he asked a member of the tribe to help translate what he wanted to say. He received permission from the Chief of the tribe to speak to the whole tribal population at once. The minister stood atop a very large boulder, and as he spoke, the translator translated all that the minister was saying. "If you let me, I will show you how to dig in the ground and get good water with which to drink and cook."

    "Hoon-gow-wa," was the large response from the tribespeople.

    "I can show you how you can capture animals without leaving your village."

    "Hoon-gow-wa!" shouted all the tribe. (By this time, the minister was very happy with his effort)

    "And if you will let me, I will show you a way to make peace with the other tribes that are trying to take your land and your women."

    "HOON-GOW-WA!!" was the enormous response, so loud that it scared away the birds in the nearby trees. This was the end of his talk and he thanked the tribe for allowing him to speak to them. Then followed was a large feast and dancing.

    Later that afternoon, the translator came up to the minister and said, "The chief of our people said that you have given him much joy. As a sign of his appreciation, he would like to take you on a tour of animals and tribal land."

    Well, the Minister was absolutely delighted at the acceptance that he had been shown. He thanked the chief and told him that he felt honored by his offer.

    So the chief, minister, translator, and four warriors went walking through the small kingdom. As the Chief gave the minister the guided tour, the translator explained the different places that the Chief was showing the minister: the large sparkling stream that was their water source, and a large area bountiful in deer and elk that provided their meat supply.

    After another hour of walking, as the party came on a large lush green pasture that looked to have about 100 cows (to the best guess of the Minister), the Chief said something to the translator and pointed toward the ground.

    The Minister inquired what the chief had said. The translator replied, "My Chief tells you to watch your step on this path, and to be careful not to step in the hoon-gow-wa."

Wed, May 08, 2002, 6:26:35 AM
The Arena
    It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly . . . who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat.

    -- Teddy Roosevelt

Tue, May 07, 2002, 10:30:57 AM
Getting Old
    Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

    The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

    Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Sun, May 05, 2002, 12:46:54 PM
Ideal Weight For A Lawyer
    Q: What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?

    A: Three pounds, including the urn.

Sat, May 04, 2002, 8:02:56 AM
Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines
    "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

    "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!"

    "Nice Asimov."

    "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

    "Is that Shai-Hulud, the life-giving spice-producing god-worm in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

    "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

    "Forgive my Kirk-like boldness, but you wanna go back to my mom's place and watch 'Dr. Who'?"

    "How 'bout I slip into something more comfortable . . . like these STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!"

    "I'm the droid you're looking for."

    "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or . . . well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."

    "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"

    "I sense something . . . a presence I've not felt since I saw you bend over the registration table."

Fri, May 03, 2002, 7:05:32 AM
    A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir . . . can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it."

    She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line ... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

    He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

    He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

    She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

    He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Thu, May 02, 2002, 8:16:27 AM
    Benjamin Franklin: "A crafty and lecherous old hipocrite whose very statue seems to gloat on the wenches as they walk the States House Yard." -- William Cobbett

    Robert Frost: "If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular piece of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes." -- James Dickey

    Zsa Zsa Gabor: "She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age." -- Oscar Levant

    Art Garfunkel: "He makes Paul Simon look like LL Cool J." -- Ian Gittins

    George Frederick Handel: "A tub of pork and beer." -- Hector Berlioz

    George Frederick Handel: "Handel is only fourth rate. He is not even interesting." -- Peter Ilich Tchaikovsky

    Hanson: "And another thing -- Hanson blows." -- Donald Trump

    Joseph Heller: "Heller wallows in his own laughter and finally drowns in it. What remains is a debris of sour jokes, stage anger, dirty words, synthetic looniness, and the sort of antic behavior the children fall into when they know they are losing our attention." -- Whitney Balliett

    Ernest Hemmingway: "A literary style of wearing false hair on the chest." -- Max Eastman

    Ernest Hemmingway: "Always willing to lend a hand to the one above him." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Wed, May 01, 2002, 7:54:13 AM
Polar Bear
    A polar bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic, please?"

    The bartender put it on the bar and said, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"

    Polar bear answered, "Dunno. I've always had 'em, though."

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