Graffiti Board Archive
June 2002

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." -- Sir Winston Churchill

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -- Galileo Galilei

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." -- Emile Zola

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." -- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." -- Thomas Jefferson

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, and the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Q: What Has Four Legs And An Arm?

A: A Happy Pit Bull

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks And a ball game gets rained out And a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land and get off my land

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't...you can't wait to throw up.

Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

The first naked man women see is "Ken".

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man- language.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it on that express degree you told me about?"

"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . . "

It's an incentive to show up.

It reduces stress.

It leads to more honest communication.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

It encourages carpooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross"..

Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work . . . more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Dear Son:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
A: Desert.

Q: Why do men always chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do women think is the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
A: Move the TV into the bedroom.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q: Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises?
A: Because they should be.

Q: What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?
A: Are you going to eat that?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity . . . probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos . . . then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome . 38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 15 mph on the state highway and city streets in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do OK."

His father says, "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky."

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written earlier. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...

Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no black man in my life . . . However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science . . . and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective

Your loving daughter.

One day Mr. Smith went to his doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech said to him, "I'm sorry sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and now we are uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the news is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Well," answered the lab tech, "one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other has AIDS."

"That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes," replied the lab tech. "But you have an HMO and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith.

The lab tech answered with a straight face, "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't have sex with her."

A blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes were perceived as stupid, so she decided to show her husband that blondes really were smart. While her husband was at work, she would paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand. Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asked her if she was OK.

She replied, yes.

He asked what she was doing.

She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women were dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He asked her why she had a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replied that she read the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.

She was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?

What's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.

She makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn't get done.

When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.

My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.

Every so often, boom! she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.

She'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.

She stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.

She takes her half of the bed out of the middle.

Have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?

My wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.

After sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning ..."

In bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.

She wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.

She takes those soap operas too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.

She will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.

It annoys her that our children look like me.

Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.

1) A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

2) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3) It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

4) Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

5) When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

6) To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

7) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

8) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

9) You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

10) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

11) If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

12) At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

13) When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

14) Following the rules will not get the job done.

15) Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

16) No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

17) The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men -- but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes -- there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does.

A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.

One day Little Johnnie is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.

Johnnie replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.

Johnny shot back, "That's because he's inside your friggin' cat!"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

The Developer's Hamlet
By Erik Eshelman

To code or not to code: that is the question:
Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The tasks and deliverables of outrageous deadlines,
Or to take up fingers against a sea of requirements,
And by coding meet them? To code: to build:
No more; and by a build to say we end
The heart-ache and the parade of ones and zeros
That the developer is heir to, 'til a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To code, to build:
To build: perchance to ship: ay there's the rub;
For in that build of code - what bugs may come
When we have shuffled off this product to QA,
Must give us defects: there's the stress
That makes calamity of so long a project.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, by the name of common sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United States from heart failure on the beginning of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits had no power over Common Sense.

He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies ( don't spend more that you earn ), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids ), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the industrial revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technical Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math". But his health declined when he became infected with the " If it only helps one person, it's worth it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned, but overbearing, regulations.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, Churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than their victims, and Federal Judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, when a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic, but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations, such as those for the low flow of toilets, rocking chairs, and step ladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two step-brothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

--Author Unknown

Q: Why should the bride always wear white?
A: It is considered in good taste for the dishwasher to match the stove and the refrigerator.

Q: Why is it impossible for a woman to find a man who is caring, sensitive, and also good-looking?
A: All those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".

Q: How many honest, sensitive, and caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: What food have scientists discovered that permanently diminishes a woman's sex drive by at least 90%?
A: Wedding cake.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing.

Q: Why can't men show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

"Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Always obey your superiors. If you have any." -- Mark Twain

"Life is a shit sandwich. But if you've got enough bread, you can't taste the shit." -- Jonathan Winters

"Rise early. Work late. Strike oil." -- J. Paul Getty

"To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered." -- Voltaire

"Never take top billing. You'll last longer that way." -- Bing Crosby

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly." -- Oscar Wilde

"It is fatal to look hungry. It makes people want to kick you." -- George Orwell

"If you see a snake, just kill it -- don't appoint a committee on snakes." -- H. Ross Perot

"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." -- Grantland Rice

"Grantland Rice can go to hell as far as I'm concerned." -- Gene Autry

"I always advise people never to give advice." -- P.G. Wodehouse

Do not put statements in the negative form.

And don't start sentences with a conjunction.

If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.

De-accession euphemisms.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.