Graffiti Board Archive
July 2002

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy . . . Doughnut seeds.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!

Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.

Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the little circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...'"

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

Live dangerously. Build your house on the slopes of Vesuvius. --Nietzche

Almost 2000 years and no new god. --Nietzche

We are most unfair to God: we don't allow him to sin. --Nietzche

He who controls the present controls the past. He who controls the past controls the future. --Orwell

'Faith' means not wanting to know what is true. --Nietzche

How do I know the past is not a fiction conceived to reconcile the difference between my state of mind and the present. --Douglas Adams

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty. --Douglas Adams

Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace. --Orwell

Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. --Einstein

Don't Panic. --Douglas Adams

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

* The life span of a taste bud is ten days.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* The Barbie doll's full name is Barbra Millicent Roberts.

* The letter W is the only letter in the alphabet that doesn't have one syllable -- it has three.

* There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

* Most people blink about 25,000 times a day.

* The earth weighs 13,176,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds

* In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never- aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. The Professor's name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann's last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell's maiden name was Wentworth.

"I'll just be a minute."

"Let's get together for lunch. I'll give you a call."

"Everything's fixed."

"The check is in the mail."

"I'll return your book as soon as I finish reading it."

"The doctor will be with you shortly."

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.

Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date . . . and now sells for half the price you paid.

Cleaning up the dining area means gettting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hip" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RDFM").

WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."

Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

cc: all your E-mail to president@whitehouse.gov so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "Spit it out, spit it out, you bastard!"

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. Your donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny responds, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the one guy who won, so I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and became the chairman of Enron.

A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road.

The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redhead 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redhead 3, and the brunette 3.5.

The manager decides to talk to the blonde. "You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day. What's the problem?"

"I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"

A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla, but within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, download pornography from the Internet, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is, "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" -- a sure sign that you are a hard-working employee in high demand.

Go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

He who fishes in other's hole often catches crabs.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Ever notice that a human baby doesn't walk until it's tall enough to reach a parent's hand?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." --Chinese Proverb.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child . . . she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children will soon forget your presents, they will always remember your presence.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

I love to give homemade gifts . . . which one of my kids do you want?

Familiarity breeds children.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

--------------

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

Why does the term jerk apply only to men?

The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.

Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I hear using that language are teenagers.

Homeless man's sign at corner of 14th Street: "Why lie? I need a beer."

The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5. Man Management: Discover How Chores Can Wait Until After The Game

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet, Too

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His

8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important To You...

9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not The First

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

12. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

14. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up

15. Introduction To Parking

16. Advanced Parking: Backing Into A Space

17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving Towels On The Floor

18. Water Retention: Fact Or Fat

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs And Butter

20. Cooking II: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption

21. Cooking III: How Not To Inflict Your Diets On Other People

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His, But We Can Make It His

24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

25. Sex -- It's For Married (And Otherwise Cohabiting) Couples Too

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

29. Ballet And Ice Skating: For Women Only

30. Oil And Gasoline: Your Car Needs BOTH

31. Learning To Use Public Toilets

32. Learning To Use The Toilet In Bars Without Your Friends

33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? - Why Men Lie

34. TV Remotes: For Men Only

35. Sexy Lingerie: Its Not Just For Special Occasions

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -- Thomas Alva Edison

"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." -- Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." -- Henry Ford

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'." -- Yoda

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look beautiful?

A: Put a nipple on it.

Did you come? = Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. = Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. = I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

I never meant to hurt you. = I thought you weren't a virgin.

Trust me. = I'm cheating on you.

I love you. = You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. = I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. = Next!

I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.

I think we should see other people. = I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. = Now can we have sex?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. = Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. = Give me head.

I still think about you. = I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? = Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. = I hope you're eighteen.

It's never been like this before. = It's my first time.

Yes . . . Yes . . . *scream!* = Aren't you done yet?

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? --Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzi's. --Conan O'Brien

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! --Jay Leno

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. --Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. --Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. --Zsa Zsa Gabor

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." --Gary Shandling

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. --Jeff Foxworthy

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. --Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" --Larry Miller

You can say any foolish things to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" --Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. --Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? --Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." --Elayne Boosler

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

You sound reasonable . . . Time to up my medication.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Ahhh . . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.