Graffiti Board Archive
August 2002

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid if a bug or if a mouse crawls in,
But will take on childbirth with the strength of ten men,
Can be sour as vinegar, or sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll be tougher than nails, or meek and mild,
But with her last breath she will defend her child,
At times she'll be vengeful, happy or sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
Hungry.

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

10. ___You have a hairy back.

11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

14. ___You still live with your parents.

15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, _________________________________

You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!"

At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.

You know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.

You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.

You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.

You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.

You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"

You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit!

You know that there are bakeries which are not part of a supermarket, but actual individual stores.

You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.

One time, a sea gull shit on your head.

You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.

You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.

You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.

You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"

You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!

In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.

The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.

You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow,"

You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever)

Even your school made good Italian subs.

You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake.

You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.

You only go to New York City for day trips.

You've run out of money on the Parkway.

You're Italian.

You know where to get the best bagel.

You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.

There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way.

You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.

You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar

Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May

You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county

You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls

Someone at the beach once called you a benny

You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan

You have or know someone with mafia connections too

You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets

You have at least one friend who drives a truck

You've been camping

You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English

You've been to a party in the woods

You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown

You liked the Jets even before this season

You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.

You don't take shit from no one either

You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there

At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall

Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station

Anything less than three inches of snow ain't shit

Someone cut you off on the road and you told them to go fuck themself

You think people from South Jersey talk funny

You're radioactive and proud of it.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A f***ing know-it-all.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.
Answer #3: How many can you afford?
Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.
Answer #2: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in, "That's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I Speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Afraid!

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. --Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson

Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to the car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

It was getting crowded in heaven, so one day it was decided only to accept people who had a really bad day when they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I picked up the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

A Native American boy went to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

The mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Gen X'ers if:

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...)

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger...When I was your age...You know, back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....).

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace".

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a Benetton.

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own friggin' blanket!"

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. -- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show

It's like an Alcatraz around my neck. -- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental. -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder. -- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net. -- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas. -- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

A snail can sleep for three years.

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beatiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to screw her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma.

Ma said, "What was that for?"

Pa said, "For forty years of bad sex."

Ma said, "Oh," and continued rocking.

Ma reached over and slapped Pa.

Pa said, "What was that for?"

Ma said, "For knowing the difference."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his Mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education
From: God
Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science.

Thank you for your support. Much obliged.

Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works.

Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain.

Use it, okay?

I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair--what was I thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around, some previous creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions.

That's what I made you for: To think.

The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecisions. For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think about it.

It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see where it leads you. That's all I have to say right now, except that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA, and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions?

Oh, wait. There's one more thing.

Did you read in the newspapers how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive, multicelled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then.

Just something to gnaw on.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

We got off the Titanic first.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks, free dinners.

We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

A woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on.

"Oh, that," he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."

The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now.

"Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."

The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.

"Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!"

"That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that."