Graffiti Board Archive
September 2002

"You Were an Accident"

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Bi-Curious George"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

The most common name in the world in Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We are giving our employees more SHIT. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of SHIT. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the SHIT. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the SHIT you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic SHIT program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (MORE SHIT).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL SHIT).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (DIP SHIT). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (DUMB SHIT). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (STUPID SHIT).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT SHIT) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General, Special High Intensity Training (BIG SHIT)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK OF SHIT)

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace

The most popular boat name: Obsession

Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand

Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women.

Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

Q: What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase, "Mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is he phrase inspired by this practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden...And thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

More conceptions occur in December than any other month.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull moose came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and shoot him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Do I look like a friggin' people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. You want fries with that?

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Forty Niners Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

"Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck Bastard Kills Family Pet!"

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"Your wife called about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

Two days without a human rights violation.

Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

Plagiarism saves time.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I'd laugh more if this quote weren't so true:

"We are going to continue having these meetings every day, until I find out why no work is getting done."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answered the iron.

Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q: How come Helen Keller can't have kids?
A: Because she's dead.

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: How did Helen Keller get poke marks on her face?
A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What's the name of Helen Keller's favorite book?
A: "Around the block in 80 Days"

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?
A: One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
A: Answering the stapler.

Q: Did you hear about Helen Keller's nightclub act?
A: She plays piano with one hand and sings with the other.

Years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

A funeral service is held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband says, "Watch out for the wall!"

A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband said, "What's with the spoon?"

The waiter said, "Well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry an extra one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by an hour per shift."

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his spare, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else."

While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asked, "Hey, there's a string on your pants."

The waiter told him, "Not all my customers are as observant as you. The same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by another hour each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string, completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time."

The husband was impressed, but asked, "It's a good idea, but how do you get it back in your pants?"

The waiter leaned close and whispered, "Well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

This was seen on a recent birthday card.

"Forget about the past -- you can't change it."

"Forget about the future -- you can't predict it."

Inside:

"Forget about the present -- I didn't buy you one."

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
A: Who Cares.

Q: What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call one hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By there names.

Q: What is the difference between a French horn and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: The grip.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.

Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
A: They never know when to come in.

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole in back.

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: A violin burns faster.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.

A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and her husband's sex life. So, she goes to the adult novelty store and came back with some crotchless panties.

She goes home, puts them on and waits for her husband to come home. When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him her new panties, asking, "You want some of this?"

"Hell no," says the husband, "look what it did to your underwear!"

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Damn it, Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.

No plan ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well . . . It could be worse: It could be raining . . . and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pants in the Latrine!


The ammo you need "NOW" is on the "Next" airdrop!

Part 1:
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

Part 2:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

How'd you do this time?

Questions?

100. You've had arguments over cheesesteak quality.

99. When it snows more than an inch, you call it a blizzard.

98. Your neighbor's house was foreclosed after an unlucky night in Atlantic City.

97. You know someone named Siprasiut Xayapachan.

96. You've actually found the Echelon Mall.

95. Your uncle is in the mafia.

94. You have Lyme Disease.

93. You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

92. You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.

91. You think a mountain is any landform taller than your house.

90. You know what became of the 13th Leeds child, and claim to have seen him one time while peeing in the woods.

89. You stay away from Getty and BP, and stick with Mobil and Gulf.

88. You know what a "shoe-bie" is and can pick one out at the beach.

87. One time you were driving in the woods and got stuck in sand.

86. You have an EZ Pass, but you just hold it up.

85. You live next to an impenetrable swamp.

84. You go to Delaware to buy smokes.

83. Even though there's a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Berlin Farmers Market for cheap stuff.

82. Your neighborhood demonstrates co-existence of African-Americans and racist rednecks.

81. To you, "gravel" means orange dirt.

80. You love hockey, and have been to a Flyers or Devils game.

79. You know that you should get the hell out of Camden before dark.

78. You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.

77. Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.

76. You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.

75. You can smell and know when it's low tide.

74. F-16s buzz your house at like 150 feet.

73. You remember the bad gypsy moth years.

72. The Eagles/Giants rivalry has started fights at your school and/or local bar.

71. You eat at restaurants that have locations I, II, III, IV, and V.

70. You get excited when you see Chopper 6, and you can hum the Action News song.

69. You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.

68. Honesty, sincerity, and courtesy are things you once saw happen in Ohio.

67. You know that you don't put ketchup on boardwalk fries.

66. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

65. You get three 50's in a row when you play skeeball.

64. You live in Cape May, but you still won't take the ferry because it's too expensive and crowded.

63. You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and should not open restaurants in South Jersey.

62. You've hung out at a gravel pit.

61. You worked at a blueberry farm when you were 13.

60. You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school.

59. You've counted the number of titty bars on the Black Horse Pike.

58. You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid.

57. You've run out of money on the Parkway.

56. You know what "cedar water" is.

55. Your middle school hangout was the mall.

54. You have an unusable, piece-of-shit boat in your front yard.

53. You once skipped school and went to Wildwood.

52. You're Italian.

51. You know where to get the best bagel.

50. You've called someone an "asshole" to their face at the Philly airport.

49. Donald Trump is mentioned at least daily in your local paper.

48. You say "water" weird.

47. You have pine trees, holly trees, and mountain laurel in your yard.

46. You had a sandbox.

45. Even your school made good Italian subs.

44. You've almost fallen asleep on the Expressway.

43. You've rented a house in Stone Harbor before.

42. You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.

41. You can point to the two closest nuclear plants.

40. You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

39. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.

38. You packed up the family on a Sunday and went to Cowtown Rodeo.

37. You never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur.

36. You once shot a whippoorwhill on a summer night at 3 A.M.

35. You take day trips to New York City.

34. The mafia runs half the businesses in your town.

33. You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

32. In the woods behind your house, you can find couches, washing machines, and shoes.

31. You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.

30. You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.

29. You know how to pronounce "Buena" on Route 40.

28. You've made a meal out of Tastycakes, Herr's BBQ potato chips, and Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer.

27. You know the Atlantic City High School marching band can lay down some phat beats.

26. You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in South Jersey if the 76ers and the Nets didn't blow."

25. You watch Evening Magazine.

24. You remember when Rowan was Glassboro State and TCNJ was Trenton State.

23. You remember Channel 48, Boss 97, Eagle 106, and Harvey in the Morning.

22. You know New Years is all about the Mummers and the Polar Bearclub.

21. You smoke Parliament Lights.

20. You go to the local Fire Department barbeque in June.

19. Down the road, in the middle of nowhere, is an Egyptian restaurant and a custard stand with a miniature golf course.

18. You know what custard is in South Jersey.

17. You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring!)

16. In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.

15. Route 206 doesn't freak you out at night.

14. Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns, and shops have "ye", "olde", and "colonial" in their names.

13. One time, a sea gull shit all over your head.

12. You talk to the guy at the dump.

11. You once said, "It smells like Philadelphia in here."

10. You've waited for the goddamn drawbridge for more than ten minutes

9. You even swam in the ocean after the hypodermic needle scare.

8. Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen.

7. You know it can be 70 degrees in January.

6. There's a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.

5. "Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell" is your attitude.

4. Somewhere along the line, someone was really screwed you over in a business transaction.

3. You often use variations of the word "fuck" while driving.

2. You will always say, "Yo," and you'll say it often.

1. You don't take any shit from anybody.

Q. How do you sink a ________ battleship?
A. Put it in water.

Q: Have you seen the ________ mine detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.

Q: How do you get a one-armed ________ person out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in ________?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How did the Germans conquer ________ so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the ________s thought they were leaving.

Q: Why do ________ police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles.

Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a ________ wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

Q: How do you stop a ________ army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

Q: How many ________s does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair.
A2: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.

Q: What do you do if a ________ throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell -- he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

Q: What do you do if a ________ throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: How do you know if a ________ has been using a computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.

Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?
A: Lawrence of ________.

Q: How did the ________ mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!

Q: How do you know you're flying over ________?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

Q: Did you hear about the ________ who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.

Q: Did you hear about the new automatic ________ parachutes?
A: They open on impact.

Q: Did you see the ________ submarine with a screen door?
A: Don't laugh, it keeps the fish out.

Q: Did you hear about the ________ helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Did you know that ________ just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Russia.

Q: How do you get a ________ out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: What's delaying the ________ space program?
A: Development of a working match.

Q: Did you hear about the ________ man that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

Q: Why do ________ dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.

Q: Did you hear about the ________ who studied for 5 days?
A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.

Q: How do you keep a ________ in suspense?
A:

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in ________?
A: They forgot the recipe.

Q: What happens when a ________ doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.

Q: How do ________ form a car pool?
A: They meet at work.

Q: How do you ruin a ________ party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.

Q: What is long and hard that a ________ bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

Q: What happened to the ________ National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.

Q: Why did the ________ couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

Q: What did the ________ mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"

Q: Why did the ________ sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.

Q: Why did the ________ put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

Q: How many ________ does it take to kidnap a child?
A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.

Q: How does a ________ Firing Squad stand?
A: In a circle

Q: Why does the new ________ navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old ________ navy.

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for two isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.