Graffiti Board Archive
October 2002

In Macomb Illinois, it's illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf.

In Rumford, Maine, it's against the law to bite your landlord.

An ordinance in San Francisco bans picking up used confetti to throw again.

It's against the law in Atlanta, Georgia, to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

It's against the law in Chicago to eat in a place that is on fire.

In International Falls, Minnesota, it's against the law for a cat to chase a dog up a telephone pole.

It's illegal to catch fish while on horseback in Washington, D.C.

It's illegal to take a lion to the theater in Maryland.

It's against the law to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard.

Brawley, California, passed a resolution banning snow within the city limits.

In Tennessee, it's illegal to drive a car while you're asleep.

Anyone found underneath a sidewalk in Florida is guilty of disorderly conduct.

It's illegal in New Jersey to slurp your soup.

A Texas law states that when two trains meet at a railroad crossing, each must come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

It's illegal in Hartford, Connecticut, to kiss your wife on a Sunday.

It's against the law in Kentucky to remarry the same man four times.

In Marshalltown, Iowa, it's illegal for a horse to eat a fire hydrant.

In Tennessee, it's against the law to shoot game other than whales from a moving car.

It's illegal in Fairbanks, Alaska, for two moose to have sex on city sidewalks.

"If BS was a dollar a pound, we would have paid off the deficit at about noon." -- Rep. Jim Ross Lightfoot (R-Iowa)

"Congressmen are so damn dumb they could throw themselves on the ground and miss." -- Rep. James Traficant, Jr. (D-Ohio)

"I think that's self-evident, but not true." -- Bill Clinton

"It's hard for somebody to hit you when you've got your fist in their face." -- James Carville on negative campaigning

"What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding, slime sucker-and the other is a fish." -- Preston Manning, Reform Party leader

"I'm a politician, and as a politician I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." -- Charles Peacock

"Look, I'm trying to run for president! I can't sit here and debate free trade versus fair trade!" --Pat Robertson

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." -- Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington DC

"The senator has got to under stand-he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road. " --George W. Bush, referring to John McCain

"I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someone's tape-recording what you say." -- Richard Nixon

"Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed." -- Anthony Powell, English author, at age 68

"If you rest, you rust." -- Helen Hayes, at age 88

"I still have two abiding passions. One is my model railway, the other-women. But, at the age of 89, I find I am getting just a little too old for model railways." -- Pierre Monteux, French conductor, at age 89

"The French are true romantics. They feel the only difference between a man of 40 and one of 70 is 30 years' experience." -- Maurice Chevalier, at age 70

"I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older, I find that I don't want to do them." -- Lady Nancy Astor, at age 80

"I'm celebrating my 75th birthday, which is sort of embarrassing because I'm 85." -- Victor Borge, at age 85

"I cut my own hair, now. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair falling out." -- Robert Frost, at age 88

"I'm having a glorious old age. One of my greatest delights is that I have outlived most of my opposition." -- Maggie Kuhn, organizer of the Gray Panthers, at age 86

"Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals." -- Douglas MacArthur, at age 65

"The lessons of life amount not to wisdom but to scar tissue and callus." -- Wallace Stegner, at age 67

"Hold every moment sacred." -- Thomas Mann, at age 64

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees":

"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Excuse me . . . is stick up hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer . . . that's terrific . . . the last officer only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around -- that's how far ahead of me they were.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you planned. -- Programmer's axiom

It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble. It's the personalities and the politics. -- Programmer's sayings

Those who can't do, teach. -- Article of faith among students

And vice-versa. -- Programmer's addendum to students' article of faith

Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint. -- Programmer's wives' saying

Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe, which strives to produce bigger idiots. -- Software engineers' saying

So far, the Universe is winning. -- Applications programmers' saying

The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea. -- Computer saying

You can't do just one thing. -- Campbell's Law of everything

Always secure your files. You never know who's lurking about. -- Programmer's saying

You never find out the whole story until after you've signed the contract. -- Programmer's saying

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Clarke's law

Putting twice as many programmers on a project that is late will make it twice as late. -- Brooks' law of programming projects

Sleep? Isn't that a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine? -- Programmer's saying

At some time in the project you're going to have to break down and finally define the problem. -- Programmer's saying

Customer support is an art, not a science. -- Marketing saying

So are most other forms of torture. -- Programmers' response

Programming is like pinball. The reward for doing it is the opportunity of doing it again. -- Programmers' saying

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Well, aren't we just a ray of friggin sunshine?

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a friggin people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

I wish for a world of peace, harmony, and nakedness.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

This is a mean, friggin cruel world and I want my nappy & medication right now!

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Gene Police! Get out of the pool!

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

"Nonsense, they couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." -- John Sedgwick (1813-64), US general. In response to a suggestion that he should not show himself over the parapet during the Battle of the Wilderness.

"I do not have to forgive my enemies, I have had them all shot." -- Ramón Maria Narváez (1800- 68), Spanish general and political leader. Said on his deathbed, when asked by a priest if he forgave his enemies.

"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish-born British dramatist. As he lay dying in a drab Paris bedroom.

"Seventeen whiskeys. A record, I think." -- Dylan Thomas (1914-53), Welsh poet.

"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis." -- Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957).

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965).

"How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries." -- James French, executed in electric chair in Oklahoma, 1966.

"Oh, shit!" -- Jim Madsen when he rappelled off the end of his rope on El Cap's Dihedral Wall in '68.

"Do you really think the IRA would think me a worthwhile target?" -- Lord Mountbatten of Burma (1900-79), British admiral and colonial administrator.

"I had you all going, didn't I?" -- Lt. Col. Kenneth Wilson, about his 1912 photograph of the Loch Ness monster.

"And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first -- an attempted suicide." -- Chris Hubbock, newscaster who shot herself during broadcast.

"Hey guys, watch this!" -- Todd Poller (2001), who tried to swallow a live perch.

"Died at the age of 102 at the hands of a justifiably outraged husband." -- From a tombstone.

"I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying." -- Woody Allen.

"They say that something as small as a butterfly beating its wings in China can cause a hurricane in America, so maybe we should go to China and kill all the butterflies, just to be safe." -– Ken Advent

"I canna change the laws of physics, Captain - but I can find ye a loophole." -– Scotty on Star Trek

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views . . . which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering." -- Dr Who.

"I don't know how the third world war will be fought, but I do know that the fourth one will be fought with sticks and stones." -- Einstein.

"It's summit time again. They're talking of partial nuclear disarmament. This is also like talking about partial circumcision. It's a strange thing. You either go all the way or you fucking forget it." -– Robin Williams

"I have a hunch that the unknown sequences of DNA will decode into copyright notices and patent protections." -- Donald E. Knuth.

"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg." -- Samuel Butler

"You are 87% water; the other 13% keeps you from drowning." -- P. E. Morris.

"My parents went to Zaire and all I got was this damn retrovirus." -- T-shirt.

"WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye!" -- Sign found at MIT's Junior Lab.

"Be an optimist, at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy." -- Anonymous.

"The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." -- Albert Einstein.

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -- Galileo Galilei.

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' ('I found it!') but rather 'hmm...that's funny...'" -- Isaac Asimov.

"Insanity in individuals is something rare, but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule."

"Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not."

"He who denies his own vanity usually possesses it in so brutal a form that he instinctively shuts his eyes to avoid the necessity of despising himself."

"Wishing is a symptom of recovery."

"After a quarrel between a man and a woman, the man suffers chiefly from the thought that he has wounded the woman; the woman suffers from the thought that she has not wounded the man enough."

"Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter."

"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."

"No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant."

"The author must keep his mouth shut when his work starts to speak."

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

"How did reason come into the world? As is fitting, in an irrational manner, by accident. One will have to guess at it as at a riddle."

"There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths."

"Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose."

"My time has not yet come; some are born posthumously."

"What does not destroy me, makes me strong."

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzly Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray.

My mother taught me LOGIC: "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE: "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX: "How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS: "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE: "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde replied.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was--"

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

FREQUENT FLYER Definition: Someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if it is empty. This always looks bad for that person.

Have you ever heard of the "DRAG BUNT?"- that is when you are walking by a bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing victims.

"Never get in a battle of wits without any ammunition." -- Anonymous

"Never ask old people how they are if you have anything else to do that day." -- Joe Restivo

"Never underestimate the effectiveness of a straight cash bribe." -- Claude Cockburn

"Never kick a mule and turn your back." -- American adage

"Never drop your gun to hug a bear." -- H. E. Palmer

"Never give black coffee to an intoxicated person. You may wind up with a wide awake drunk on your hands." -- Ann Landers

"Never hate a man enough to give him his diamonds back." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Never date a man whose belt buckle is bigger than his head." -- Brett Buder

"Never let your schooling interfere with your education." -- Mark Twain

"Never buy a fur from a veterinarian." -- Joan Rivers

"Never tell anybody to go to hell unless you can make them." -- Sam Rayburn

"Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected." -- Robert Orben

"Never get deeply in debt to someone who cried at the end of Scarface." -- Robert S. Wieder

"Never trust a doctor who sells cemetery plots on the side." -- Anonymous

"Never learn how to iron a man's shirt or you'll wind up having to do it." -- Michele Slung

"Never choose between two good things; take both." -- American adage

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch" will cause your stools to come out green.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME.

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green.

If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in one of the toilet bowls, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.

MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to the "Managing By Knowing Nothing" category. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes and circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS) This management style is ATRASACWOC (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication).

MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritually educated, because they have no clues at all.

MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver."

In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You idiot, it's me!"

A guy goes to church and sits down in the confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I was married for 52 years, always a faithful husband, and my dear wife died last week. On the way home from the funeral, I stopped at a bar to calm my nerves. A lovely young woman of 19 was sitting at the next stool. We started talking, and before you know it, Father, we had gone back to my house for a night of wild sex."

The priest says, "When was the last time you came to confession?"

"I've never been to confession," the man says. "I'm Jewish."

The priest says, "Then why are you telling me this?"

The man says, "I'm telling EVERYBODY."

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish is the animal with the most taste buds - 27,000.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit?"
"We have forbidden fruit?
"Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
And thus the pattern was set...and the cycle continued.

Quotes from Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992):

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...'

To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom...and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been,' but more of a definite 'won't be.'"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."