Graffiti Board Archive
November 2002

Dear Mr. Plante,

I take exception to your posting my email letter to you on your Graffiti Board. I sent you that letter in a sincere effort to appeal to your better judgment, and I take offense at your posting my words on your "joke" board. Your Graffiti Board is no place for the outrageous pornography you posted on Thanksgiving Day, and your attempt to make a joke out of my message was hurtful and unnecessary. I am not some crackpot who writes complaint letters at the drop of a hat, and I hope you heed my message in the spirit in which it was sent. Please, Mr. Plante, think about the young people who visit your site.

Sincerely,
Doris Shaughnessy

Dear Mr. Plante,

I must take exception to your Graffiti Board "joke" for Thanksgiving Day, November 29. Was that supposed to be funny? In the past, you have had some alleged humor of questionable taste on that site, but this entry was just pure pornography. I have read the sample stories posted on your website, and while not always to my liking, they have not shown a propensity toward erotic imagery. I find in inexplicable, then, that a website that is apparently designed to promote your serious sci-fi writing would stoop to such trash as you posted on Thanksgiving. Don't you think a lot of your sci-fi readers are young people who might find their way to your website? Is this what you want them to read? Please be a little more discreet in the future with the "jokes" you choose to post.

Sincerely,
Doris Shaughnessy

I see you across a crowded room. Among all the others that are there, the lights seem to shine down on you alone. I know then I have to have you for my own. Willingly, you come with me to my home. From the car, I carry you through the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well-shaped legs and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove, exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm, running them through the beads of water, making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in. You are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you. I must say Grace, "Thank God for Butterball turkey...Amen."

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."

The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well...you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

A father walks in on his son masturbating and says, "Son, stop that right now, or you'll go blind."

His son replies, "I'm over here, Dad!"

Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.

The first old man says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

The other old man says, "I don't know. If I were you, I'd try petting him first."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

"235,000 miles," she said.

Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could roll back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles back to 40,000.

Two days later the blonde's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother rolled back the odometer. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's urine yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry -- do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy . . . I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

A blonde goes to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor puts a stethoscope on her chest and says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth, I know," she says.

When the exam is complete, the doctor pulls out his chart writes a few things down, and says, "You have acute angina."

The blonde smiles and says "Thank you."

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?"

A beer short of a six pack.

A brick short of a load.

A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.

A couple of gallons short of a full tank.

A few ants short of a picnic.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few bricks short of a pile.

A few bricks short of a wall.

A few cards short of a deck.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few of sheep short of an orgy.

A few peas short of a casserole.

A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce.

A few trucks short of a convoy.

A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner.

A pepperoni short of a pizza.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

About as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory.

As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.

As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.

As smart as bait.

As useful as a screen door on a submarine.

As useful as a wooden frying pan.

As useful as tits on a bull.

Body by God, Mind by Mattel.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Doesn't have both oars in the water.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Dumb as a corn cob.

Dumb as a stump.

Dumber than a bag of rocks.

Elevator doesn't quite make the top floor.

Fell out of the family tree.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Goes surfing in Nebraska.

Golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.

He played too much without a helmet.

He's got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.

He's got a leak in his think-tank.

He's got a mind like a steel sieve.

He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.

He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He's so dense light bends around him.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

His cheese has slipped off his cracker.

His porch light ain't on.

If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.

If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.

If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off.

If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.

Isn't firing on all 6 cylinders.

Isn't firing on all thrusters.

Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.

Like a pair of children's scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp.

Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.

Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.

Mind like a rubber bear trap.

Needing a few screws tightened.

Not firing with all spark plugs.

Not the brightest light in the harbor.

Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.

Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.

Not the sharpest pencil in the box.

Off his rocker.

On/off switch is stuck in the off position.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

One tit short of an udder.

One turbine short of an airplane.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Requires directions to lay sod.

Room temperature IQ.

Running about a quart low.

Running on empty.

Sharp as a bowling ball.

She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

She's not tied too tight to the pier.

Strong like bear, smart like tractor.

Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

The elevator is stuck between floors.

Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.

Too many yards between the goal posts.

Two hub caps short of a Buick.

Warning--Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.

You're the flower of my life (you blooming idiot).

You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: What has little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

"It's a guy thing."
Really means . . . "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means . . . "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means . . . Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means . . . "I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means . . . "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means . . . "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means . . . "Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means . . . "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means . . . "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means . . . "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means . . . "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means . . . "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means . . . "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means . . . "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means . . . "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means . . . "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means . . . "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means . . . "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means . . . "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means . . . "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

The SUN predicts, in large headline: ARMAGEDDON IS HERE
In a smaller headline: Five Steps to Relieve Stress
(Whew, that stress-relief is just in time!)

The World News reports, in large headline: THREE NEW COMMANDMENTS FOUND
In a smaller headline: U.S. Marines Find Bin Laden's Goat
(Coincidence? I think not!)

Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice Users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate Users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert Users: people who break other people's computers. -- From the Jargon File.

"This manual says what our product actually does, no matter what the salesman may have told you it does." -- In a Californian graphic board manual, 1985.

"Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There's no telling what I could've accomplished with a home computer and a handgun." -- LeMel Hebert-Williams.

"Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience." -- Posted in 1998.

"Maintenance Contractors always dress up nice, with a tie and everything because they believe that a customer will trust a nicely dressed guy with their million dollar equipment just because he's got a nice tie..." -- Simon Travaglia

"There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS."

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at Lovers' Lane where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

"NO!" yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. "Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde.

Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with you."

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, " Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"

"Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

OfficeTeam, a temporary employment agency in Menlo Park, California, asked clients to list the strangest things they've seen in job interviews. Here are some of the answers they received:

A candidate waiting in the lobby opened a large bag of cheese curls and began eating them. When the interviewer greeted him, the applicant extended a hand covered with orange dust.

An interviewer walked into the lobby to meet a nervous candidate, whose mouth displayed a ring of antacid from the bottle he was holding.

When asked why she wanted the job, a recent graduate replied, "I'm here for a paycheck -- isn't everybody?'

When asked where she saw herself in five years, the candidate replied, "How am I supposed to know -- isn't that your job?"

A candidate who was chewing gum noticed the interviewer staring at her mouth. The candidate said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want a piece? "

A candidate with long fingernails, when asked to take a typing test, reached over the interviewer's desk, grabbed his scissors and snipped off the nails, one by one. She then said, "That just doubled my number of words per minute."

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) You can do the whole neighborhood.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

"In the second grade I punched my music teacher because I didn't think he knew much about music. I'm not proud of that, but it's clear that early on I had a tendency to stand up."

"You know, it really doesn't matter what [the media] write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass."

"I'll tell you, it's Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it's Big Business. Or two words -- Big Business."

"There's no one my age who has accomplished more. Everyone can't be the best."

"I love creating stars. To some extent I have done that with Ivana. To a certain extent I have done that with Marla. I have really given a lot of women great opportunity. Unfortunately, after they are a star, the fun is over for me."

"It's a lot better to side with a winner than a loser."

"How about the guys that stand there grabbing the urinal for balance? I watch in amazement. Then they come up and say, 'I'm a big fan, can I shake your hand?' And I'm a bad guy for saying, 'Excuse me!' They were just holding the big wonger, and they want to shake your hand!"

"The worst thing a man can do is go bald. Never let yourself go bald."

"I allow Ivana to stay there because it gives her something to do." (on why his ex-wife was still president of the Plaza Hotel)

"Germ phobia is a problem. You have to be selective. It's pretty dangerous out there. It's like Vietnam! Dating is my personal Vietnam!"

"I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big. "

"There has never been anything like this built in four hundred years." (on the Trump Tower)