Graffiti Board Archive
December 2002

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.

7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

11. Not have eight children at once.

12. Get in a whole NEW rut!

13. Start being superstitious.

14. Personal goal: bring back disco.

15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.

16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

22. Not eat cloned meat.

23. Create loose ends.

24. Get more toys.

25. Get further in debt.

26. Not believe politicians.

27. Break at least one traffic law.

28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

31. Stay off the MIR space station.

32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.

33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

34. Not swim with piranhas or sharks.

35. Associate with even worse business clients.

36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

37. Wait around for opportunity.

38. Focus on the faults of others.

39. Mope about my faults.

40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asked the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responded, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returned home, she stripped naked and waited for her husband. When her husband arrived, he asked her, "What are you doing naked, woman?"

She respondd, "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her, "Well, go iron it."

A blind man was at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the man across the street against the red light.

First a car came screeching to a halt inches away from them, but still the dog led on. Then a bicyclist almost wiped them out, and the rider cursed as he went by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerved and barely missed them.

After they made it to the far corner, the blind man reached into his pocket and pulled out a cookie and offered it to the guide dog. At this point another person who watched the entire episode interrupted, asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost gotten him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded, "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, if you promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker , so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?"

Answer "they're Carol's."

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One time Santa Claus was out delivering presents on Christmas morning, when he came to the house of a beautiful young woman. He slid down the chimney, and there she was waiting for him in her best bathrobe.

"Merry Christmas, my dear," he said, "have you been a good girl all year?"

"I certainly have!" she replied.

So he put all her presents under the tree and said "Well, see you next year!"

"But Santa," she said, "won't you stay with me for a little while?"

"That's very sweet of you dear," said Santa Clause, "but I've got a lot of present's to deliver and I really have to be going."

"But Santa," she said, "I've been waiting for you all year..."

"Oh no, no, no," said Santa Clause, "there's lot's to be done by morning, and what would Mrs. Clause say?"

"But Santa," she said slipping out of her robe, "just this once?"

"Oh all right," he said, "I'll never make it back up the chimney now anyway."

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A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."

He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire!

Q.. What did Santa say to the three blondes?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A. They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Q. What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A. Snowballs.

Q. Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A. Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A. Because they're made for children but Dad likes to play with them.

Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and he always carries a bag.

Q. How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A. They both have ornamental balls.

December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
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December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And Christ - do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours.
From Ag
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December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
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December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick it this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

One evening John O'Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.

Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

"Aye," she said, "and what was your toast?"

"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!" he replied.

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, "Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?"

"Aye," she said. "I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie! . . . till you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Auntie Em -- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Guns don't kill people . . . but they make it real easy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

A new contract for Santa has been negotiated...Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. They are as follows:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "This sleigh insured by Smith & Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you will hear "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words "Back Off". The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead you will see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smoky and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.

10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Claus's elves in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.

11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" will be replaced. "Bubba Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus

I want to be like Barbie -- that bitch has everything.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I have the body of a god . . . Buddha!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

Life's a buffet . . . so eat me!

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

I love cats . . . dead ones

I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots . . . I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Earth first . . . we'll mine the other planets later.

Give pizza chants.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

If -- a two letter word for futility

I don't care, I don't have to.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free... taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

Rats live on no evil star.

Go deliver a dare, vile dog.

Man, Oprah's sharp on A.M.

Yawn. Madonna fan? No damn way!

Too bad, I hid a boot.

Cain: A maniac!

Plan no damn Madonna LP.

Sex-aware era waxes.

Solo gigolos.

Ah, Satan sees Natasha.

Cigar? Toss it in a can, it is so tragic.

Race fast, safe car.

A Toyota.

Draw, 0 coward!

Egad! No bondage!

Lepers repel.

Flee to me, remote elf

"Reviled did I live," said I, "as evil I did deliver."

No lemons, no melon.

Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Gnu dung.

Lager, Sir, is regal.

Poor Dan is in a droop.

Sex at noon taxes.

Evil olive.

Never odd or even.

An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped. This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass solo."

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been cancelled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, William Bennett said, "It's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, as we reported, "It's a real S&M kind of thing."

It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven."

There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero.

In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Ms. Shaughnessy continues to send me e-mail, but I'll spare you. Perhaps she enjoys the attention of my posting her rants and I need to cut her off. In her latest message, she included a joke of the type she would prefer that I post here. Don't hurt yourself laughing too hard:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Hmm not what I was looking for but hey this is the web...

OK, Ms Shaughnessy, I get it. Please stop sending me email or I will inform your ISP that you are harassing me. There are millions of web pages on the Internet. If you don't like mine, surf on over to another. I'm sure there are many joke-a-day pages that specialize in the wholesome sort of humor you demand. If you see any real knee-slappers, let me know.

--Brian

Dear Mr. Plante,

You seem determined to make fun of my email letters. Can't you see how offensive some of your Graffiti Board "jokes" really are? As I have already noted, your post on Thanksgiving Day 11/28 was outright pornography. On 11/27 you had a joke promoting alcohol consumption. 11/26 was borderline porn. 11/25 made fun of blondes. 11/25 made fun of ALL men (you are one, right?). 11/23 was a breath of fresh air -- a joke that was funny and not offensive -- bravo! Why can't all your jokes be like this one? 11/22 went back to the gutter with a masturbation joke. 11/21 was in dubious taste, being dirty and making fun of old people. 11/20 implied sex. 11/19 made fun of blondes again. 11/18 made fun of both men and women. 11/17 was another sex joke. 11/16 made fun of men. 11/15 was a fine joke, making fun of no one -- please confine your humor to gentle humor like this!. 11/14 was another sex joke. 11/13, another sex joke that also ridiculed blondes. 11/12 made fun of gays. 11/11 was a litany of insults. 11/10 was a bunch of short, but offensive jokes. 11/9 made fun of men. 11/8 made fun of the supermarket tabloids (OK, I'll give you that one -- maybe they deserve it). 11/7 apparently made fun of computer users (was that even supposed to be funny?). 11/6 was an anti-blonde sex joke. 11/5 made fun of mentally challenged people. 11/4 was silly, but not too offensive. 11/3, another sex joke. 11/2 had some clever one-liners. 11/1 was OK -- some stupid quotes by an obnoxious man.

So, by my scorecard, of 28 "jokes" you posted in November, only six of them were NOT offensive. That's a very low percentage, don't you think? I urge you to do better. The few good jokes on your Graffiti Board tell me you can. Please keep in mind the young people viewing your website. And please do not post my letters on the board. This just makes you look childish, Mr. Plante.

Sincerely,
Doris Shaughnessy