Graffiti Board Archive
Fri, Jan 31, 2003, 6:54:41 AM
Blonde Jigsaw Puzzle
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."
Thu, Jan 30, 2003, 6:30:45 AM
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Wed, Jan 29, 2003, 6:47:21 AM
I Am A Child Of The 50's
If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's. Looking back, it is hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. They covered our baby cribs with bright colored lead based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes, a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. Our parents knew that all the neighbors would watch out for all the kids. No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We were cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight... we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it? We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. The teams actually kept score and the winning team was allowed to be excited and the losing tea learned to be good sports about it and learned that, in life - sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Some students weren't as smart as others were so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade... Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Almost no one went to "pre-school" and when we graduated high school we all knew how to read, use proper grammar and do basic math. We all learned how to count out change without a calculator to tell us the amount. The worst problems in school were tardiness and chewing gum in class. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected; there was no one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law -- imagine that! If you misbehaved - your parents spanked you and no one arrested them for doing that! We also learned that when a parent said "No" they actually meant that and our lives would not be ruined forever by being denied every little thing we wanted at any given moment.
New toys were received on birthdays and holidays... not on every trip to the store. Parents gave us gifts out of love.... not out of guilt. This generation has produced some of the best risk takers and problem solver and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.
Tue, Jan 28, 2003, 6:39:13 AM
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finally catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Mon, Jan 27, 2003, 6:26:12 AM
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
Sun, Jan 26, 2003, 7:24:54 AM
Super Bowl Facts
The Super Bowl is the top at-home party event of the year, surpassing New Year's Eve.
Super Bowl Sunday is the second largest day of food consumption behind only Thanksgiving.
The average number of people attending a Super Bowl party is 17.
Ninety-five percent of Super Bowl watchers watch with at least one other person.
Nine of the 10 most-watched TV programs of all time are Super Bowls.
An estimated 14,500 tons of chips and 4,000 tons of popcorn are eaten on Super Bowl Sunday.
The California Avocado Commission says that on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans scarf down eight million pounds of guacamole.
Sales of antacid increase 20 percent the day after Super Bowl Sunday.
Six percent of Americans will call in sick the day after Super Bowl Sunday.
Super Bowl Weekend is the slowest weekend for weddings.
Sales of large screen TVs increase five times during Super Bowl Week.
Fans spend more than $50 million on food during the four days of the Super Bowl weekend.
Sat, Jan 25, 2003, 8:11:23 AM
Q & A
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.
Q: What is big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Fri, Jan 24, 2003, 5:58:05 AM
What I Learned in Corporate America
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Thu, Jan 23, 2003, 10:12:50 AM
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Wed, Jan 22, 2003, 6:30:04 AM
This is a transcript of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how . . . we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended!
Tue, Jan 21, 2003, 6:27:06 AM
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics, Honeywell Computers, and Rothschild will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney, and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!
Mon, Jan 20, 2003, 6:54:15 AM
Haircuts -- Women vs. Men
Sun, Jan 19, 2003, 7:50:42 AM
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough." --Claire Sargent, Arizona Senate candidate in 1992, on women candidates
"Elvis is in fact a Republican." -- John Kasich (R-Ohio)House budget chief, in 1995
"They told me to go for the jugular I did. It was mine." -- Bob Dole, on the 1976 failure of the Ford-Dole ticket
"Most people don't have the luxury of living to be 80 years old, so it's hard for me to feel sorry for them." -- Phil Gramm, opposing medical treatment for the elderly
"It's hard for somebody to hit you when you've got your fist in their face." -- James Carville, on the usefulness of negative campaigning
"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." -- Jay Leno
"Politics is show business for ugly people." -- Paul Begala, Clinton's campaign adviser
"Washington is Salem. If we're not lynching somebody 24 hours a day in this wretched town, we're not happy." -- Tom Korologos, Washington lobbyist
"That's a good question. Let me try to evade you." -- Paul Tsongas, presidential candidate, in 1992
"Look, half the time when I see the evening news, I wouldn't be for me, either." -- Bill Clinton, in 1995
"Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame." -- Bertrand Russell
"Unlike the president, I inhaled. And then I threw up." -- Christine Todd Whitman governor of New Jersey
"If hypocrisy were gold, the Capitol would be Fort Knox." -- Sen. John McCain
Sat, Jan 18, 2003, 6:06:35 PM
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. She said to him, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
Fri, Jan 17, 2003, 6:25:32 AM
Ice Fishing Secret
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Thu, Jan 16, 2003, 6:26:14 AM
The Nonconformist Bird
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said, "I've had enough of this flying south -- I'll just stay right here on this farm. What's the big deal, anyway?"
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a nearby barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground.
As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me? How dare someone crap on me. I'll get him for this!"
The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing.
A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap, to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
Wed, Jan 15, 2003, 6:31:15 AM
"By the year 2000, chemistry will replace agriculture. In the next century the day will come when everybody will carry his little gaseous tablets, his little ball of fatty matter, his little bit of sugar, his little bottle of aromatic spice, according to his personal taste." -- M. Berthelot, Strand magazine, February 1901
"By 2000, sawdust and wood pulp [will be] converted into sugary foods. Discarded paper table 'linen' and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and converted into candy." -- John Smith, Science Digest magazine, 1967
"It's New Year's Day in the year 2001-the beginning of the 21st century. Claire and Sara are preparing a gala brunch. On tables in the living room are bowls of buffalo gourd seeds and cottonseed nuts for guests to munch on. In the refrigerator, tofu pudding is chilling. Squid stew is bubbling on the stove. Sara is fixing scrambled egg substitute--special for guests who long for the foods mom used to make . . . Meanwhile, Claire nibbles a few fried meal worms (her favorite snacks) and rolls up the last of the Bee Won Ton. Just as she finishes, the doorbell rings. Happy New Year, everyone!" -- Paula Taylor, The Kids' Whole Future Catalog, 1982
"A number of companies, both here and abroad, are looking into the use of petroleum as a source of edible protein. Then, too, our space activities have led to a lot of food science research. What we're really after here is some means of processing human waste so as to return it into food channels." -- John Smith, Science Digest (1967)
"Man in  may be eating water flea steaks as a part of his daily diet. Dr. John R. Olive of Colorado State University said the 'water flea' Daphnia, is not really a flea at all but a bedbug-sized, soft-shelled crustacean that looks a bit like a tiny clam. Preliminary experiments have shown that a water flea-algae mixture is palatable as soup either cooked or uncooked. The mixture can also be dehydrated into a paste or into dried cakes. It has a taste somewhat similar to shrimp, Dr. Olive said. With just a small amount of flavoring, the mixture can be made to taste like eggs or steak." -- Science Digest, (1961)
"[By 20001] you may dump the contents of a can of beans into the saucepan-and then chop up the can and toss it in, too. If it were a corn-flavored can, [you] could have a tasty bowl of succotash . . . an edible whipped-cream-flavored can to go with preserved strawberries . . . And a tomato ketchup-flavored container to surround canned baked beans should appeal to a wide public." -- Norman V. Carlisle & Frank Latham, Miracles Ahead! (1943)
Tue, Jan 14, 2003, 6:31:08 AM
Suburbia: where they tear down the trees and name streets after them
I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed
Been nowhere, done nothing
Support bacteria: it's the only culture some people have
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure
My reality check just bounced
The more you complain the longer god lets you live
Forget about world peace -- visualize using your turn signal
Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
I doubt, therefore I might be
The older you get, the better you realize you were
Dyslexics have more fnu
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine
So you're a feminist...isn't that cute!
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart"?
Mon, Jan 13, 2003, 6:28:22 AM
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease...worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease...that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
Sun, Jan 12, 2003, 7:26:47 AM
The Work Virus
There is a virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
Sat, Jan 11, 2003, 12:32:18 AM
Useful Phrases For The Office
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I, flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Fri, Jan 10, 2003, 6:19:30 AM
Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers
Drug Dealers: Refer to their clients as "users".
Software Developers: Refer to their clients as "users".
Drug Dealers: "The first one's free!"
Software Developers: "Download a free trial version..."
Drug Dealers: Have important Asian connections.
Software Developers: Have important Asian connections.
Drug Dealers jargon: "Stick"
Software Developers jargon: "SCSI"
Drug Dealers jargon: "Rock"
Software Developers jargon: "RTFM"
Drug Dealers jargon: "Wrap"
Software Developers jargon: "Packet"
Drug Dealers jargon: "E"
Software Developers jargon: "C"
Drug Dealers jargon: "Stash"
Software Developers jargon: "Cache"
Drug Dealers jargon: "Drive-by"
Software Developers jargon: "CTRL ALT DEL"
Drug Dealers jargon: "Hit (LSD)"
Software Developers jargon: "Hit (WWW)"
Drug Dealers jargon: "Source"
Software Developers jargon: "Source-code"
Drug Dealers jargon: "The Pigs"
Software Developers jargon: "Microsoft"
Drug Dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25-year-old market.
Software Developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25-year-old market.
Drug Dealers: Clients really like your stuff when it works.
Software Developers: Clients really like your stuff when it works.
Drug Dealers: Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product.
Software Developers: Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product.
Drug Dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes.
Software Developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.
Drug Dealers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive.
Software Developers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive.
Drug Dealers: A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
Software Developers: A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
Drug Dealers: Product causes unhealthy addictions
Software Developers: Product causes unhealthy addictions.
Drug Dealers: Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers: Damn! DAMN!!!
Thu, Jan 09, 2003, 6:24:09 AM
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Wed, Jan 08, 2003, 6:18:38 AM
In The Year 1902
The year is 1902, one hundred years ago... what a difference a century makes. Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902...
The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven.
Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
4. Heart disease
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
Just think what it will be like in another 100 years!
Tue, Jan 07, 2003, 6:32:42 AM
Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Mon, Jan 06, 2003, 7:12:56 AM
"I think that the free-enterprise system is absolutely too important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace." -- Rep. Richard Kelly (R-Fla.)
"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground." -- George Bush, on unemployment benefits
"I make my decisions horizontally, not vertically." -- Sen. Bob Kerry (D-Neb.)
"I hope that history will present me with maybe two words. One is peace. The other is human rights." -- Jimmy Carter
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, mayor of Philadelphia
"If we don't watch our respective tails, the people are going to be running the government." -- State Sen. Bill Craven (R-Ca.), on state initiatives
"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands." -- Sen. Jesse Helms
"I don't see why the legislature should be in the business of artificial intelligence, real intelligence or any intelligence at all." -- Rep. Hunt Downer D-La.)
"A zebra cannot change its spots." -- Al Gore
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" -- George W. Bush
"We, as Republicans, need to start rowing with one oar." -- Rep. John Kasich (R-Ohio)
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, former New York City mayor
"I don't have the brains for business. I want to go into politics." -- Mao Xinyou, grandson of Mao Zedong
Sun, Jan 05, 2003, 9:11:17 AM
Charlie's Hole In One
Robert goes golfing every Sunday. One Sunday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . ."
Sat, Jan 04, 2003, 10:15:08 AM
Talk Show Hosts
"Okay, our focus: 'Are Babies Being Bred for Satanic Sacrifice?' Controversial to say the least. Unbelievable to say the least. Disgusting to say the least. We'll be right back." -- Geraldo Rivera
"This is the Jerry Springer Show. There is no such thing as class." -- Jerry Springer
"That man is so repugnant. All of these satanic murderers are." -- Geraldo Rivera, discussing Charles Manson
"It's always difficult to be meaningful and relevant, because there's just not enough time." -- Oprah Winfrey
"Nobody differentiates between one show and another. It's all of us in the same trash can." -- Sally Jesse Raphael
"I'd rather be called sleazy than to be identified as intelligent." -- Phil Donahue
"There's nothing wrong with skipping your job to come to the Ricki Lake Show!" -- Ricki Lake
"Your wife wants you to die. Your reaction, quickly." -- Geraldo Rivera
"My show is just plain STUPID!" -- Jerry Springer
"Tonight you'll be looking at some horrible scenes and meeting some horrible people." -- Geraldo, introducing his TV special "Murder: Live from Death Row"
"Wow! This story is beyond dysfunctional!" -- Ricki Lake
"Oprah's quitting in two years and I will be all you have, so you better be nice to me!" -- Jenny Jones
"If you think it was an accident, applaud." -- Geraldo, speaking about Natalie Wood's drowning
Fri, Jan 03, 2003, 7:43:38 AM
Let's Talk Politics
"If BS was a dollar a pound, we would have paid off the deficit at about noon." -- Rep. Jim Ross Lightfoot (R-Iowa)
"Congressmen are so damn dumb they could throw themselves on the ground and miss." -- Rep. James Traficant, Jr. (D-Ohio)
"I think that's self-evident, but not true." -- Bill Clinton
"What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? One is a wide-mouthed, bottom feeding, slime sucker-and the other is a fish." -- Preston Manning, Reform Party leader
"I'm a politician, and as a politician I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." -- Charles Peacock
"Look, I'm trying to run for president! I can't sit here and debate free trade versus fair trade!" -- Pat Robertson
"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." -- Marion Barry, former mayor of Wash D.C.
"The senator has got to understand -- he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -- George W. Bush, referring to John McCain
"I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someone's tape-recording what you say." -- Richard Nixon
Thu, Jan 02, 2003, 8:10:49 AM
"I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am." -- Bernard Baruch
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." -- Jack Benny
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you cando when you're down there." -- George Burns
"If you continue to work and to absorb the beauty in the world around you, you will find that age does not necessarily mean getting old." -- Pablo Casals
"Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative." -- Maurice Chevalier
"We don't grow older, we grow riper." -- Pablo Picasso
"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." -- Agatha Christie
"We are happier in many ways when we are old than when we were young. The young sow wild oats. The old grow sage." -- Winston Churchill
"To be 70 years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be 40 years old." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Since I came to the White House I got two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, a prostate operation, and I was shot. The damn thing is, I've never felt better in my life." -- Ronald Reagan
"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." -- Colette
Wed, Jan 01, 2003, 9:13:08 AM
I resolve -- to try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
I resolve -- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
I resolve -- to work with neglected children -- my own.
I resolve -- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I resolve -- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve -- to back up my 40GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.
I resolve -- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
I resolve -- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
I resolve -- when I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I resolve -- I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I resolve -- I will think of a password other than "password."
I resolve -- I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
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