Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
February 2003

Fri, Feb 28, 2003, 7:47:36 AM
    Air Head Fired

    Steals Clock, Faces Time

    Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

    Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni

    Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

    'Light' Meals Are Lower In Fat, Calories

Thu, Feb 27, 2003, 6:36:58 AM
    House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

    Stiff Opposition Expected To Casketless Funeral Plan

    Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

    William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

    Child's Stool Great For Use In Garden

    Dr. Ruth To Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

Wed, Feb 26, 2003, 6:46:40 AM
    Nicaragua Sets Goal To Wipe Out Literacy

    Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 In 1984

    Autos Killing 110 A Day, Let's Resolve To Do Better

    Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

    Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years

    Man Is Fatally Slain

    Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation

    Bishop Agrees To Lay Teachers

Tue, Feb 25, 2003, 6:28:50 AM
    Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

    Eye Drops Off Shelf

    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    Stolen Painting Found By Tree

    Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Mon, Feb 24, 2003, 6:33:35 AM
    War Dims Hope For Peace

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

    Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

    Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Sun, Feb 23, 2003, 8:35:58 AM
    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

    Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests

    Miners Refuse To Work After Death

    Two Soviet Ships Collide -- One Dies

    Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years At Checkout Counter

    Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One

Sat, Feb 22, 2003, 5:53:19 PM
    Milk Drinkers Are Turning To Powder

    Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

    Quarter Of A Million Chinese Live On Water

    Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon

    Panda Mating Fails -- Veterinarian Takes Over

    NJ Judge To Rule On Nude Beach

Fri, Feb 21, 2003, 3:44:42 PM
Lytspeed Correction
    Sorry, that headline is from the Boulder Daily Camera, not the Boulder Weekly.


Fri, Feb 21, 2003, 3:43:29 PM
    Headline from the Boulder Weekly newspaper, Boulder, Colorado:

    Horizon Girls Even Score with Coyotes

    Wow! Makes me wonder what other creatures the Horizon girls have scored with ....

Fri, Feb 21, 2003, 7:00:00 AM
    Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One

    Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

    Mr. Jack Ass Sues MTV For Ruining His Good Name

    Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

    Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought

    Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing

Thu, Feb 20, 2003, 6:25:32 AM
    Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

    Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

    Farmer Bill Dies in House

    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

    Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Wed, Feb 19, 2003, 6:24:53 AM
    Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

    Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

    Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

    Miners Refuse To Work After Death

    Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Tue, Feb 18, 2003, 9:58:47 AM
    Plot To Kill Officer Had Vicious Side

    Infertility Unlikely To Be Passed On

    Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link

    Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us

    Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

    Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

Mon, Feb 17, 2003, 7:23:23 AM
    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

    Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

    British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

    Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Sun, Feb 16, 2003, 8:46:57 AM
    Newspaper to recieve seven awards

    Never Withold Herpes Infection From Loved One

    Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores

    How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs

    Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy

    Woman off to jail for sex with boys

Sat, Feb 15, 2003, 6:02:00 PM
    Thank you for changing your page to black text on a white background. As much as I liked some of your articles, the color scheme was hard on the eyes.

Sat, Feb 15, 2003, 8:00:21 AM
    Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person

    Lack of brains hinders research

    How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart

    Fish lurk in streams

    Include your Children when Baking Cookies

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Fri, Feb 14, 2003, 2:02:24 PM
Things guys should know for Valentine's Day

    For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the Rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

    Here is a guide to the points system:

    You make the bed.....+1
    You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......0
    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1

    You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
    You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
    When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
    When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2

    You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
    In the snow .....+8
    But return with beer.....-5
    And no liners.....-25

    You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
    You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
    It's her cat.....-40

    You stay by her side the entire party.....0
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy.....-2
    Named Tiffany.....-4
    Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
    With breast implants.....-18

    You remember her birthday.....0
    You buy a card and flowers.....0
    You take her out to dinner.....0
    You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
    Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
    And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
    It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10

    Go with a pal.....0
    The pal is happily married.....+1
    The pal is single.....-7
    He drives a Ferrari.....-10
    With a personalized license plate> (GR8NBED).....-15

    You take her to a movie.....+2
    You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
    You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
    You take her to a movie you like.....-2
    It's called Death Cop III.....-3
    Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

    You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
    You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
    You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
    You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

    She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
    You hesitate in responding.....-10
    You reply, "Where?".....-35
    You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
    Any other response.....-20

    When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
    You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
    You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
    Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
    You have fallen asleep.....-200

    You talk.....-100
    You don't talk.....-150
    You spend time with her......-200
    You don't spend time with her.....-500
    You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

    Game Over -- You Lose!

Fri, Feb 14, 2003, 6:32:23 AM
More Headlines
    Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies

    Scientists see quakes in L.A. future

    Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning

    Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold

    Economist uses theory to explain economy

    Bible church's focus is the Bible

    Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons

    Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear

Thu, Feb 13, 2003, 6:47:33 AM
    Teenage girls often have babies fathered by men

    Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

    Man shoots neighbor with machete

    Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes

    Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows

Wed, Feb 12, 2003, 7:11:14 AM
For Mrs. Shaughnessy
    An eskimo drops his snowmobile off at a garage and asks the mechanic to take a look at it because he's getting a smoke coming out of the exhaust. He says he'll come back after lunch.
    The eskimo returns an hour later and the mechanic says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
    The eskimo wipes his mouth and says, "No, it's just mayonnaise."

Mon, Feb 10, 2003, 9:16:29 PM
More Morons At Work
    Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

    I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

    After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.
    My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
    Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
    He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

    An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

    I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Sun, Feb 09, 2003, 2:35:26 PM
The Parade Of Morons
    A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

    Seems this guy wanted some booze pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi- Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

    Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Sat, Feb 08, 2003, 8:45:36 AM
Brian Plante
    Hello, yourself, Brittany. I can't claim to be an expert on the movies just because I write the occasional SF story. Most of the SF I see in the movies is pretty silly compared to the books because it has to be dumbed down for the masses who may not be familiar with the hard core stuff. And then, there's the Hollywood pro's who don't really know SF, who just assume they can write a SF movie. Like, how hard could it be? Some of the movies I like would never cut it as SF books, but I don't hold movies to the same standard. It's just entertainment, you know?

    Anyway, here's some SF movies that I've liked. More than ten, but you can drop the last five if you strictly need ten:

    Twelve Monkeys
    Terminator 2
    A Clockwork Orange
    The Matrix
    Independence Day
    The 5th Element
    Minority Report
    The Road Warrior

Sat, Feb 08, 2003, 8:38:33 AM
We Get Email
    Dear Mr. Plante,

    Hello. For a school assignment, I was given the task of compiling a list of the best science fiction movies of all time. I'm supposed to ask people who know about science fiction, but I don't know any. I tried asking the folks at my local book store but they weren't much help, so I looked on the Internet and found your site. Can you please give me your top ten list of the best science fiction movies of all time? I need it by next Friday. Thank you.


Fri, Feb 07, 2003, 1:52:15 PM
Brian Plante
    Hey Anonymouse, you spelled "anonymous" kinda funny. Why don't you post your own jokes, so I can see what sort of thing you like? And remember, Mrs. Shaughnessy is watching!

Fri, Feb 07, 2003, 6:20:57 AM
    Hey, didn't this place used to be funny?

Thu, Feb 06, 2003, 12:18:37 PM
Brian Plante
    Thanks, Mike. Lots of folks have already mentioned that they disliked the white text on black background, so that's sure to go. I'll see what I can do.

Thu, Feb 06, 2003, 6:48:02 AM
Mike Santoro
    If you're still looking for comments about your webpage, please get rid of the blinking stars background. It's very distracting, especially when the blinking star is right behind some text I'm reading. It's also pretty tiring on the eyes to read some of your longer stories or articles. I liked the Garden Variety Writers stuff, but my eyes were falling out of my head by the time I got through it all.

    Hello, Mrs. Shaunessy, wherever you are.

Wed, Feb 05, 2003, 6:36:15 PM
Brian Plante
    You folks are much funnier than the jokes I've been posting. Keep it coming.

    For those of you who haven't noticed, this "Graffiti board" is really just one of those web "guest books" that I grabbed. Anyone can post something here (down at the bottom of the page), so if you've got something to say, don't be shy. Join right in. Mrs. Shaughnessy eagerly awaits your wholesome words, I'm sure.

Tue, Feb 04, 2003, 6:21:32 AM
The Goddess Suzi
    Ms Shaughnessy: there are a lot more terrible things on the Internet for kids to stumble into than the jokes posted on the Brain Planet page. Do you write them all emails, too? Are you one of those crackpots who write crank letters to your local newspaper? You must have a lot of time on your hands. Here's something neat, just for you:

    Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
    A: Because his wife died.

    OK, so you don't see the humor, but it's harmless. A bit dirty, but nobody's gonna grow up to be an ax murderer because they read it. I agree with Everymotherson: go get a life.

Mon, Feb 03, 2003, 6:42:41 AM
Doris Shaughnessy
    Dear Mr. Plante,

    By posting my private email comments about your graffiti web page, do you imply that what I said was a joke? I am completely serious about the harm your obscene jokes may be doing to the young people who may find their way to your web page. I see from some of the comments in your articles that you have children. Is your web page the sort of thing you would allow them to read? If those dirty jokes you posted are not the sort of thing you want your own children to see, then why on earth would you put them there for anyone else's kids to read?

Sun, Feb 02, 2003, 12:25:41 PM
    Oh great, Mrs. Shaughnessy is back. Get a life, Mrs. Shaughnessy. I have no problem with the dirty jokes. The dirtier the better, in fact. Bring 'em on. If there's a complaint to make, it's the occasional posting of quotes instead of jokes. I'm not sure if they are supposed to be funny or inspirational to writers, but they don't do anything for me. Now then, a batch of obscene, funny quotes would be fine, but that probably wouldn't please Mrs. Shaughnessy very much.

Sat, Feb 01, 2003, 8:18:31 AM
Fan Mail
    Dear Mr. Plante,

    You recently asked for feedback on your "brain planet" web site. In the past, I've complained to you about the obscene and hurtful nature of many of the jokes posted on your "graffiti" page. Since it seems you are now considering "cleaning up" your web site, please reconsider your choice to post this filthy material. Science fiction of the sort you write is especially appealing to young people, and they must surely comprise a sizeable portion of the audience for your web site. Is this really the sort of material to which you want to expose our young people? Perhaps you can make a New Year's resolution to set a good example for the younger generation and make a stand for decency instead of filth.

    Doris Shaughnessy

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