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Graffiti Board Archive
Mon, Mar 31, 2003, 10:24:38 AM
English is a Crazy Language
English is a Crazy Language
by Richard Lederer
Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hotdog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice.
One louse, 2 lice.
One house, 2 hice ?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as Hell one day
and cold as Hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
You get in and out of a car,
yet you get on and off a bus.
When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ...
it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!
English is Tough Stuff (Chaos)
By Gerard Nolst Trenité (see note below)
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!
Sun, Mar 30, 2003, 8:43:13 AM
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately.
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?
Sat, Mar 29, 2003, 6:31:57 AM
Food For Thought
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home . . . maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the . . . ?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes . . . lucky pig . . . can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life . . . quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm . . . )
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing . . . )
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?)
Fri, Mar 28, 2003, 6:30:10 AM
Ode to a Spell Chequer
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my PC
It plainly marks for my revue
miss takes I cannot see
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect in its weigh
my chequer tolled me sew.
Thu, Mar 27, 2003, 6:27:24 AM
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
Wed, Mar 26, 2003, 6:28:00 AM
The Importance of Punctuation
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Tue, Mar 25, 2003, 6:26:04 AM
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
A company applying for a patent for a hydraulic ram in Russia found that they were trying to register the invention of a water sheep!
Siemens' first translation of their marketing slogan 'Technology without the thorns' into German came out as 'Technology without the pricks'.
The importance of proofreading becomes very clear when reading the attractive brochure of a health and fitness club: After working out one was invited to relax in their brassière. Brasserie perhaps?
Rolls Royce's car Silver Mist wasn't very successful in Germany. Not surprisingly though, when you consider what Mist means in German: Dung!
Mon, Mar 24, 2003, 7:12:25 AM
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
Sun, Mar 23, 2003, 12:07:05 PM
From a Russian airline safety brochure:
"Airlines staff can ask you for something concerning smoking and we beg you to follow its advices and recommendations. If you possess strong will and are able to decline smoking during the flight, non-smoking passengers and the crew will appreciate your generosity and respect for them."
"Any failure to keep an order and infringement of on-board regulations may cause unpredictable consequences. Crew's action to suppress the possible incident will be urgent and drastic up to fulfilment of the expensive forced landing. Besides the juridical consequences infringer will be obliged to pay an impressive fine to compensate the waste."
"Smoking is not permitted only on the special seats which are marked in the travellers' cheques after the indicator board 'No Smoking' is out."
Sat, Mar 22, 2003, 8:26:22 AM
For Tourists Trespassing in Remote Jungles
How to say "Oh my God! There's an axe in my head" in various languages:
Afrikaans: O Gode! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshimi bashu
Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
Bosnian: Boje moj! Sjekira mi je u glavi.
Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
French: Mon Dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Hebrew: Eloi! Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!
Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashe no atama ni ono ga arimasu.
Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!
Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
Maltese: Alla tieghi, ghandi mannara f'rasi
Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en øks i hodet!
Pig Latin: Oay ayemay odgay! airsthay anay axeay inay ayemay eadhay!
Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!
Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
Spanish:¡Dios mio! ¡Hay un hacha en mi cabeza!
Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Tagalong: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida.
Welsh: O Dduw - mae 'na fwyell yn fy mhen i!
Fri, Mar 21, 2003, 6:42:32 AM
Useful Phrases in Latin
English: I think that Elvis is still alive.
Latin: Credo Elvem ipsum etian vivere.
English: Garbage in, garbage out.
Latin: Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
English: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Latin: Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
English: Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?
Latin: Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
English: I'd like to buy some condoms.
Latin: Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
English: Your fly is open.
Latin: Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
English: Your place or mine?
Latin: Apudne te vel me?
English: I'll have a pizza with everything on it.
Latin: Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo.
Thu, Mar 20, 2003, 6:40:02 AM
The Importance of Pronunciation
On a visit to the United States, Charles de Gaulle was honoured at a banquet in the White House. Seated beside his wive was an official who spoke no French, but who tried to engage her in conversation by asking
"Madame de Gaulle, what do you think the most important thing in life is?"
"A penis," she replied.
Overhearing, her husband said gently, "I believe, my dear, that in English it is pronounced 'appiness."
Wed, Mar 19, 2003, 6:36:09 AM
The 4 wheel drive sport utility truck we know as a Montero was named "Pajero" for non-US markets, including Australia, where a large number of Argentineans & Uruguayans live -- "pajero" in Spanish means "masturbator."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is German for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
Tue, Mar 18, 2003, 7:29:08 AM
A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950): Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.
In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950): We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
On the box of a Vietnamese laughing tip-toy:
Can't invert with laugh
The laugh begin. you are youthful
As poke as shaky as shaky as laugh
During the use. open the lid of top and take two cells (NO. 5) in the box. If you want to stop laugh or don't use for a long time. you must take out the cells (This seller have no cells)
Mon, Mar 17, 2003, 6:46:40 AM
Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in the long run.
Japanese instructions on an air conditioner: Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking; Here speeching American.
A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic: No smoothen the lion
A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.
Sun, Mar 16, 2003, 9:55:10 AM
Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Budapest zoo: Please don't feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Sat, Mar 15, 2003, 8:52:12 AM
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.
On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop -- Drive sideways.
Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.
Tokyo bar: Special cocktail for the ladies with nuts.
Fri, Mar 14, 2003, 6:32:00 AM
An ad by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?
On a faucet in a Finnish restroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
Thu, Mar 13, 2003, 6:28:02 AM
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids: "Lie down on bed and insert poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet."
On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep Out Of Children."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
Wed, Mar 12, 2003, 6:26:42 AM
In a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Hong Kong dress shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.
In Germany's Black Forest: It is strickly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose.
Tue, Mar 11, 2003, 6:24:48 AM
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
On Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
Mon, Mar 10, 2003, 7:19:06 AM
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Sun, Mar 09, 2003, 8:57:32 AM
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -- OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -- WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer -- DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos -- YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
On a bar of Dial soap -- DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
Sat, Mar 08, 2003, 8:42:12 AM
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel for skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On a menu in a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience we recommend coourteous, effecient self-service.
In a Bangkok cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Fri, Mar 07, 2003, 6:31:42 AM
On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts – Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts – Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On some frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box -- Fits one head.
Thu, Mar 06, 2003, 6:40:54 AM
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9&11 am daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Wed, Mar 05, 2003, 6:54:48 AM
On a blanket from Taiwan -- NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -- REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo -- USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -- AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray -- THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer -- TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (these instruction were INSIDE the box.)
Tue, Mar 04, 2003, 6:21:06 AM
The Buddhist at the Dentist
Mon, Mar 03, 2003, 6:50:52 AM
At The Multiplex
Sun, Mar 02, 2003, 8:35:04 AM
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
Give The Palestinians A Homeland - Ottawa
Babies Are What The Mother Eats
City Predicts Fortune Tellers May Be Back
Six Die In Attack Of Killer Rice Cakes
Suspect Who Got Away Found At Parents' Home For Holidays
Stuffed Shark Is One That Got Away
Sat, Mar 01, 2003, 6:24:32 PM
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Windy Resumes Blow Jobs
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