Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
April 2003


Wed, Apr 30, 2003, 6:30:00 AM
Why?
    Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

    Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

    Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

    Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

    Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    Why is abbreviation such a long word?

    Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

    Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?


Tue, Apr 29, 2003, 7:22:28 AM
Why?
    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    Why isn't there a shorter word for monosyllabic?

    Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

    Why are they called stands when they're made for sitting?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    Why do they call it a building? Why isn't it a built?

    Why is verb a noun?

    Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

    Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

    Why is it called after dark when it really is after light?

    Why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?


Mon, Apr 28, 2003, 6:33:34 AM
Why?
    Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

    If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" in it?

    Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    How does it work out that people always die in alphabetical order?

    Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

    "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

    If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

    If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    How is it possible to "run out of space"?

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

    If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillips Screwdriver?

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

    If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show?

    If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?

    If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?


Sun, Apr 27, 2003, 6:29:36 AM
What Women Mean
    FINE, This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

    FIVE MINUTES, This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

    NOTHING, This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ''Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

    GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows), This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

    GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows), This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

    LOUD SIGH, This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

    SOFT SIGH, Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

    THAT'S OKAY, This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

    GO AHEAD, At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

    PLEASE DO, This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

    THANKS, A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

    THANKS A LOT, This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Sat, Apr 26, 2003, 8:22:44 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    Today's Sermon: "How Much Can A Man Drink?" with hymns from a full choir.

    Tonight's sermon-"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.

    Ushers will eat latecomers.

    Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

    With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art," as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church.


Fri, Apr 25, 2003, 5:59:35 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

    Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

    Miss Charlene Mason, sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

    Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.


Thu, Apr 24, 2003, 6:05:03 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

    The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

    The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

    The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

    The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.


Wed, Apr 23, 2003, 1:01:09 PM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

    Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.

    Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

    The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

    The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.


Tue, Apr 22, 2003, 6:48:05 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

    Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

    Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

    On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God is Good. Dr. Hargreaves is better.


Mon, Apr 21, 2003, 6:14:57 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning

    The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

    The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

    The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

    The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.


Sun, Apr 20, 2003, 6:36:22 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

    Evening massage -- 6 p.m.

    Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


Sat, Apr 19, 2003, 6:26:48 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

    The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

    The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

    This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.


Fri, Apr 18, 2003, 6:31:58 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

    8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

    A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."


Thu, Apr 17, 2003, 7:36:20 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

    Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

    Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.


Wed, Apr 16, 2003, 6:23:05 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

    The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

    The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

    The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."


Tue, Apr 15, 2003, 6:49:22 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

    Don't let worry kill you - - let the church help.

    Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.


Mon, Apr 14, 2003, 8:35:26 AM
Holy Crap -- Church Bulletin Blunders
    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"


Sun, Apr 13, 2003, 10:45:25 AM
Man Talk
    A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.

    The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

    The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

    The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"

    The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

    The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."


Sat, Apr 12, 2003, 10:36:48 PM
Gone Fishin'
    These two guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

    The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

    The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."

    The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"


Fri, Apr 11, 2003, 6:31:55 AM
Golfing With The Wife
    A lovely afternoon found one fellow and his wife golfing. They had had a wonderful time and the man had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wrapped around an old barn. With a terrible slice, the man put his ball between the barn and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it would take to get around the barn would destroy his score, he began to rant and rave. His wife, hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon, made a suggestion.

    "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

    He thought it over and decided that it could work. With his wife holding open the barn door, he lined up with the hole and gave the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shot through the air and right into his wife's head, killing her instantly.

    Months went by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convinced him to go golfing with them. They ended up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice put his ball between the old barn and the green. Again he began to rant and rave at what this dilemma would do to his score. His friend, wanting to please him, made a suggestion.

    "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

    "No," the man replied, "last time I did that I got a double bogey."


Thu, Apr 10, 2003, 6:34:30 AM
The Cost Of Woman
    One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

    "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

    "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

    "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

    "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

    "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

    "What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

    "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

    "Sounds great."

    "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

    "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

    "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

    Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"


Wed, Apr 09, 2003, 6:44:00 AM
Golf Story
    A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

    After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

    He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

    A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

    That was the last thing he could remember.


Tue, Apr 08, 2003, 6:34:21 AM
May The Pants Be With You
    Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words:

    We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

    The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

    I find your lack of pants disturbing.

    These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

    Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

    General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

    I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

    TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

    Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

    You are unwise to lower your pants.

    She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

    Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

    You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

    Luke... Help me remove these pants.

    Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

    That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

    A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

    Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

    Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

    Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!

    Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

    Short pants is better than no pants at all.


Tue, Apr 08, 2003, 6:32:46 AM
May The Pants Be With You
    Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words:

    We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

    The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

    I find your lack of pants disturbing.

    These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

    Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

    General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

    I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

    TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

    Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

    You are unwise to lower your pants.

    She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

    Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

    You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

    Luke... Help me remove these pants.

    Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

    That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

    A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

    Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

    Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

    Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!

    Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

    Short pants is better than no pants at all.


Mon, Apr 07, 2003, 7:10:03 AM
Viagra
    What do you get when you cross Viagra with Miracle Grow?
    Tomatoes that you don't have to stake.

    What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer?
    He gets taller.

    Did you hear about Viagra's new ad campaign? It's the Quicker Dicker Upper.

    What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
    Don King

    What does a guy on Viagra have in common with Gene Autry?
    He's "Back In The Saddle Again".

    A gentleman went to see his doctor and asked if the doctor had any Viagra.
    "Certainly," responded the doctor, "How many would you like?"
    "Only four," answered the man, "and please cut each one into four pieces."
    "But sir," said the doctor, "the Viagra won't work like that."
    "Young man," said the gentleman, "I'm 84 years old, and the last thing on my mind is sex. I want my thing to get up just enough so I quit peeing on my shoes."

    This old guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I got two problems. First, I saw Bob Dole on TV talking about how Vigoro can help your sex life, so I been dissolving a tablespoon of Vigoro in half a glass of water and drinking it before bed every night, but so far, it ain't done me a bit of good."
    And the doctor says, "That's supposed to be Viagra. Vigoro ain't no medicine, it's just a fertilizer."
    The old guy says, "Oh, well, that explains the berries, then."

    Did you hear about the old man that took Viagra along with his daily iron supplement pills? Now every time a pretty young thing walks by he points North!

    Pfizer, a local manufacturer of the drug "Viagra" was getting worried about the number of lawsuits related to death's after taking the drug. They decided to dispose of all their drug supply and decided the cheapest way was to dump the pills into the Chicago River at night. All 52 movable bridges on the river went up.

    Why are nursing homes using Viagra with their male residents?
    To keep them from falling out of bed!

    Four men broke into the Pharmacy on Main street today and made off with an unclosed amount of Viagra. Police refused comment on the crime other than, "We are currently looking for four hardened criminals".

    What do Viagra and a Dirt Devil have in common?
    They both put the power of an upright into the palm of your hand.

    What does Viagra and Disney World have in common?
    Both make you wait at least 30 minutes for a two minute ride.

    An elderly man walks into a drug store and asks for 6 Viagra tablets.
    The druggist asks for a prescription.
    The old man says, "Can I get it over the counter?"
    The druggist says "I guess you can if you take all 6 at once."


Sun, Apr 06, 2003, 6:35:08 AM
She Was So Blond...
    ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

    ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    ...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

    ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

    ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

    ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

    ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    ...she tried to drown a fish.

    ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

    ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

    ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

    ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

    ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

    ...she tripped over a cordless phone.

    ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius."

    ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

    ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

    ...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

    ...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.

    ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

    ...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

    ...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

    ...she sold the car for gas money.

    ...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

    ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

    ...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

    ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

    ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.


Sat, Apr 05, 2003, 8:59:01 AM
Jersey Girl
    One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body.

    Interesting, he thought.

    First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold". Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant." Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.

    Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he said, "So, this must be Cherry Hill?"

    She smiled at him and said, "No, this is Eatontown."


Fri, Apr 04, 2003, 6:36:35 AM
The Moral Of The Story
    In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.

    Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."

    Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"

    Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

    Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"

    Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke."

    Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"

    Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

    Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"

    Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."

    Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"

    Little Johnny: "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."


Thu, Apr 03, 2003, 6:21:44 AM
Steven Wright Quotes
    "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

    "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

    "I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."

    "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

    "It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."

    "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me--I'm afraid of widths."

    "I just bought a microwave fireplace . . . You can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes."

    "Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

    "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."

    "I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property."

    "The guy who lives across the street from me has a circular driveway, and he can't get out."

    "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."

    "Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off. When no one's looking I'll go over to a baby and ask, 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life.'"

    "I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy any thing specific."


Wed, Apr 02, 2003, 6:27:15 AM
Headache Cure
    A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

    He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

    "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

    "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. At the moment of climax she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

    Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

    "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."


Tue, Apr 01, 2003, 6:38:55 AM
Music One Liners
    Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
    A: Will the defendant please rise.

    Q: What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
    A: Who Cares...

    Q: What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

    Q: What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start.

    Q: What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?
    A: Drool...

    Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
    A: It saves time in the long run.

    Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
    A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.

    Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
    A: By there names.

    Q: What is the difference between a french horn and a lawnmower?
    A: You can tune a lawnmower.

    Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
    A: Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

    Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
    A: The grip.

    Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

    Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

    Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
    A: A drummer.

    Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
    A: The knocking always speeds up.

    Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
    A: They never know when to come in.

    Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."

    Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
    A: Their personality.

    Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
    A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

    Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
    A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.

    Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves around him.

    Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
    A: A violin burns faster.

    Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
    A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

    Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
    A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.



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