Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
June 2003


Monday, June 30, 2003, 6:15:21 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

    If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

    I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.

    If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

    I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.


Sunday, June 29, 2003, 8:04:34 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    A program is never finished until the programmer dies.

    As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

    A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.

    Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

    Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.


Saturday, June 28, 2003, 7:21:03 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...

    My computer isn't nervous . . . it's just a bit ANSI.

    My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.

    A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

    That's not a bug, that's a feature.


Friday, June 27, 2003, 6:56:19 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

    Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

    Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.

    The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.'

    The real world is a special case.


Thursday, June 26, 2003, 7:50:56 PM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Beware of programmers who carry a screwdriver.

    Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

    Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

    Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.


Wednesday, June 25, 2003, 10:10:56 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Any given program costs more and takes longer.

    If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

    If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

    Any program will expand to fill available memory.

    Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.


Tuesday, June 24, 2003, 6:26:26 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

    ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

    The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

    Computer analyst to programmer: You start coding. I'll go find out what they want.

    Computers are only human.


Monday, June 23, 2003, 8:36:11 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

    Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

    Computers can never replace human stupidity.

    Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.

    Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.


Sunday, June 22, 2003, 11:21:54 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

    Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

    From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*

    Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.

    C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.


Saturday, June 21, 2003, 4:26:03 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Programming is an art form that fights back.

    Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.

    Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

    Computer Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

    On a clear disk you can seek forever.


Friday, June 20, 2003, 6:14:27 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Americans must be getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

    Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

    Every silver lining has a cloud.

    All work and no play, will make you a manager.

    If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?


Thursday, June 19, 2003, 6:23:19 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?

    Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.

    If a man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

    Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.


Wednesday, June 18, 2003, 6:29:51 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the Simpsons.

    Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.

    Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

    Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


Tuesday, June 17, 2003, 6:54:22 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    "Fool-proof" implies a finite number of fools.

    A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    "Maintenance-free" means when it breaks, it can't be fixed.

    I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?


Monday, June 16, 2003, 6:20:09 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    It's better to retire too soon than too late.

    Statistics show . . . every two minutes another statistic is created.

    Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.

    What's a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

    Say no, then negotiate.


Sunday, June 15, 2003, 5:47:05 PM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.

    Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

    All the world's a stage . . . most of us are just stagehands.

    For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong.

    In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


Saturday, June 14, 2003, 7:27:45 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

    A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.

    Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.

    A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol.

    Politics is a rotten egg; if broken, it stinks.


Friday, June 13, 2003, 6:25:08 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a husband.

    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

    May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

    My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.


Thursday, June 12, 2003, 6:18:14 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    A fool and his money stabilize the economy.

    A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.


Thursday, June 12, 2003, 3:38:21 AM
sailormech
    "Murders, rapes and fires are not the only way to assess the progress of a society. Why are there so few television stories about symphonies that have been composed, novels written, scientific problems solved, and a thousand other creative acts that occur during the course of a month?" question Postman and Powers. "Were television news to be filled with these events, we would not be frightened. We would, in fact, be inspired, optimistic, cheerful."

Wednesday, June 11, 2003, 6:33:20 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    A king's castle is his home. A man's house is his hassle.

    What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?

    Smile, everyone loves a moron.

    Anything that kills you makes you . . . . well, dead.


Tuesday, June 10, 2003, 6:32:56 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

    Hire a teenager while they still know it all.

    Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.

    Don't take life so seriously . . . It's not permanent!

    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.


Monday, June 09, 2003, 6:42:11 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Be alert . . . the world needs more lerts.

    For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

    Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!

    If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

    If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?


Sunday, June 08, 2003, 9:27:10 PM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Death is like God's way of saying, your table is ready.

    Don't play stupid with me -- I'm better at it!

    Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.

    If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

    More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!


Saturday, June 07, 2003, 6:56:00 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    A day without sunshine is like night.

    Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.

    Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

    Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

    A steak a day keeps the cows dead.


Friday, June 06, 2003, 3:28:30 PM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Common sense isn't.

    According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

    Chicken little only has to be right once.

    Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.

    A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.


Thursday, June 05, 2003, 6:45:52 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Don't confuse me with facts; my mind's already made up.

    As I said before, I never repeat myself.

    Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

    A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earplugs?


Wednesday, June 04, 2003, 6:57:25 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Being superstitious brings bad luck.

    How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

    All generalizations are false, including this one.

    Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper.

    A fool and his money are soon elected.


Tuesday, June 03, 2003, 6:23:37 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

    I killed a 6-pack -- just to watch it die!

    All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

    What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

    Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs . . . Boy do I love Congress!


Monday, June 02, 2003, 6:51:33 AM
Throw Me A Line . . .
    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    As I said before, I never repeat myself.

    Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

    A good pun is its own reword.

    Don't judge a book by its movie.


Sunday, June 01, 2003, 7:52:51 AM
Throw Me A Line. . .
    It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

    A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

    I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

    I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property.

    I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.



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