Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
October 2003

Friday, October 31, 2003, 6:25:18 AM
The Halloween Party
    A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed, and no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every pretty woman he could, and cropping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sided up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She had let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little quickie. In fact two.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"


Friday, October 31, 2003, 12:02:18 AM
Anonymous
    do animals belive in god?

Thursday, October 30, 2003, 6:53:27 AM
Questions
    Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

    Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

    Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

    Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

    Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

    Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

    Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

    Does fuzzy logic tickle?

    How did a fool and his money get together?

    How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?


Wednesday, October 29, 2003, 6:51:52 AM
Insurance Reports
    The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident.

    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

    I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

    The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

    The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

    I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

    I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

    As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

    The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

    To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

    When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

    Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

    The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


Tuesday, October 28, 2003, 6:24:21 AM
How Dogs Are Better Than Women
    A dog's parents will never visit you.
    A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
    A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
    A dog never expects you to telephone.
    A dog will not get mad if you forget its birthday.
    A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
    A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
    A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
    The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
    A dog does not shop.

Monday, October 27, 2003, 6:42:24 AM
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
    Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
    Dogs miss you when you're gone.
    Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
    Dogs admit when they're jealous.
    Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
    Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
    You can train a dog.
    Dogs are easy to buy for.
    The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
    Dogs understand what "no" means.
    Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Saturday, October 25, 2003, 2:50:52 PM
Dilbertisms
    Actual office nonsense...

    As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

    What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

    E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

    This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

    Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

    My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

    Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

    My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

    "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

    We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."

    One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

    As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.


Friday, October 24, 2003, 6:29:38 AM
E-Mail Commandments
    Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
    Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
    Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
    Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
    Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
    Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
    Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
    Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
    Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
    When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
    And, the Golden Rule of email:
    That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Thursday, October 23, 2003, 6:38:32 AM
Children, Before & After
    Before children: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
    After children: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

    Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
    After children: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

    Before children: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
    After children: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

    Before children: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
    After children: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watchers who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

    Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
    After children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

    Before children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
    After children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.


Wednesday, October 22, 2003, 6:36:16 AM
Observations
    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

    Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.


Tuesday, October 21, 2003, 7:27:37 AM
Observations
    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    Two wrongs are only the beginning.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

    Half the people you know are below average.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


Monday, October 20, 2003, 8:13:54 AM
Observations
    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

    Get a new car for your spouse: it's a great trade!

    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.


Sunday, October 19, 2003, 8:44:31 AM
Observations
    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

    No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

    The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.


Saturday, October 18, 2003, 5:38:57 PM
Elderly Drivers
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

    The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.

    This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

    She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"


Friday, October 17, 2003, 6:32:42 AM
This Little Piggy
    A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

    The bartender said he did.

    "I'd like one, please," the pig said.

    After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

    After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers.

    This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.

    Two more pigs came in.

    One ordered three root beers and the other four.

    They too used the rest room.

    When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you want five root beers."

    The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

    When he was done, he started to walk out.

    The bartender was confused.

    "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

    "No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."


Thursday, October 16, 2003, 6:17:45 AM
The Confusingest Language
    We'll start out with box, and the plural is boxes,
    But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
    Then one fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
    Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

    You may see just one mouse or several mice,
    But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
    If the plural of man is always called men,
    Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

    If you speak of your foot and two are your feet,
    Why shouldn't the plural of boot be called beet?
    The singular's this and the plural is these,
    But the plural of kiss is never called keese.

    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
    Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
    We speak of a brother and also of brethen,
    But though we say mother, we never say methren.

    One would be that and three would those,
    Still the plural of hat could never be hose.
    The masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
    But imagine the feminine, she, shis, and shim!

    So the English language, I think you'll agree,
    Is the "confusingest" language you ever did see.


Wednesday, October 15, 2003, 6:21:33 AM
Kids' Proverbs
    A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

    Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

    Strike while the . . . bug is close.

    It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

    Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

    You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

    Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

    No news is . . . impossible.

    A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

    You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

    If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

    Love all, trust . . . me.

    The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

    An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

    Where there is smoke, there's . . . pollution.

    Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

    A penny saved is . . . not much.

    Two is company, three's . . . The Musketeers.

    None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.

    Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

    If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

    You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.

    When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

    There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and . . . you have to blow your nose.


Tuesday, October 14, 2003, 6:22:02 AM
Mommy & Daughter
    As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

    When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

    "Mommy, where's my booger?"


Monday, October 13, 2003, 6:44:53 AM
Mirror, Mirror
    Mirror, mirror on the wall
    Do you have to tell it all?
    Where do you get the glaring right
    To make my clothes look too darn tight?
    I think I'm fine but I can see
    You won't cooperate with me,
    The way you let the shadows play
    You'd think my hair was getting gray.
    What's that, you say? A double chin?
    No, that's the way the light comes in.
    If you persist in peering so
    You'll confiscate my facial glow,
    And then if you're not hanging straight
    You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight.
    I'm really quite upset with you
    For giving this distorted view;
    I hate you being smug and wise
    O, look what's happened to my thighs!
    I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
    Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
    If I look like this in my new jeans
    You'll find yourself in smithereens!

Saturday, October 11, 2003, 9:05:42 AM
Last Words
    You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead plate.

    That's not smoke, that's steam.

    Hey, look at that fin -- it's a dolphin!

    Of course it's sterile.

    Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.

    That should be at least enough gas to make it
    across Nevada.

    It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.

    It was fresh just last week.

    These are the safe kind of mushrooms.

    It should be OK to swim in.

    He's been a perfectly safe driver ever since his first Model T.

    Clip the red wire first.

    It's OK to format this disk.

    It's supposed to make that noise.

    Don't worry, it's grounded.

    It doesn't look like the bridge is out.

    They only attack when they're hungry.

    I can hold my breath at least that long.

    The boss won't mind.

    It shouldn't take long to reach Anchorage.

    Let's ask those soldiers for directions.

    Jason won't find us in this closet.

    I'm sure I turned my lights off.

    I bet I can fit in there.

    Did I turn off the gas?


Friday, October 10, 2003, 6:34:52 AM
Things You Will Never Hear A Southerner Say
    Nope, we don't keep firearms in this house.

    Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

    You can't feed that to the dog.

    I thought Graceland was tacky.

    No kids in the back of the pickup. It's not safe.

    Wrasslin's fake.

    Honey, did you mail the donation to Greenpeace?

    We're vegetarians.

    Do you think my hair is too big?

    I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

    Honey, these Bonsai trees need watering.

    Who's Richard Petty?

    Give me the Small bag of pork rinds.

    Deer heads detract from the decor.

    I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

    Trim all the fat off that steak.

    Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

    The tires on that truck are too big.

    I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

    I've got it all on floppy disk.

    Unsweetened tea tastes better.

    Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

    My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

    I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

    Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

    Checkmate.

    She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

    Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

    Hey, here's an episode of "Hee-haw" we haven't seen!

    I don't have a favorite college team.

    I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

    Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

    (And finally...)

    Elvis who?


Thursday, October 09, 2003, 6:23:34 AM
Welcome To The South
    Things are just different in the Southern parts of the USA:

    If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

    Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

    Get used to hearing "Y'all ain't from round here, are y'all?"

    You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

    Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

    The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol"...a "big'ol" truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

    The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here.

    If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

    If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

    When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

    Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

    In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

    If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.


Wednesday, October 08, 2003, 6:23:39 AM
North vs. South
    If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

    The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
    The South has 'mater samiches.

    The North has coffee houses,
    The South has Waffle Houses.

    The North has switchblade knives,
    The South has Lee Press on Nails.

    The North has double last names,
    The South has double first names.

    The North has Ted Kennedy,
    The South has Jesse Helms.

    The North has an ambulance,
    The South has an amalance.

    The North has the Mafia,
    The South has the Klan.

    The North has Indy car races,
    The South has NASCAR.

    The North has Cream of Wheat,
    The South has grits.

    The North has green salads,
    The South has collard greens.

    The North has lobsters,
    The South has crawdads.

    The North has the rust belt,
    The South has the Bible Belt.


Tuesday, October 07, 2003, 6:25:05 AM
Ten Dollars
    Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".

    Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".

    So Stumpy says "By Jeebahs, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go".

    Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".

    So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".

    They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.

    He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you holler out, but you didn't!"

    And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"


Monday, October 06, 2003, 6:38:25 AM
Oxymorons
    Act Naturally
    Advanced BASIC
    Almost Exactly
    Alone Together
    Authentic Reproduction
    Big Baby
    British Fashion
    Business Ethics
    Clearly Misunderstood
    Computer Jock
    Criminal Law
    Definite Maybe
    Diet Ice Cream
    Exact Estimate
    Found Missing
    Fresh Frozen
    Friendly Fire
    Genuine Imitation
    Good Grief
    Jumbo Shrimp
    Legally Drunk
    Living Dead
    Microsoft Works
    Military Intelligence
    New Classic
    Passive Aggression
    Peace Force
    Plastic Glasses
    Political Science
    Pretty Ugly
    Rap Music
    Resident Alien
    Same Difference
    Sanitary Landfill
    Silent Scream
    Small Crowd
    Soft Rock
    Student Teacher
    Sweet Sorrow
    Synthetic Natural Gas
    Taped Live
    Terribly Pleased
    Tight Slacks
    Working Vacation

Sunday, October 05, 2003, 10:05:53 PM
And That's Why He Works In Fast Food...
    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Saturday, October 04, 2003, 9:40:09 AM
Mother, Through The Ages
    4 Years of age: My Mommy can do anything!

    8 Years of age: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

    12 Years of age: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

    14 Years of age: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

    16 Years of age: Mother? She's so old-fashioned.

    18 Years of age: That old woman? She's way out of date!

    25 Years of age: Well, she might know a little bit about it.

    35 Years of age: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

    45 Years of age: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

    65 Years of age: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.


Friday, October 03, 2003, 6:28:06 AM
Baby Boomers -- Then & Now
    Then: Killer Weed
    Now: Weed Killer

    Then: Hoping for a BMW
    Now: Hoping for a BM

    Then: The Grateful Dead
    Now: Dr. Kevorkian

    Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
    Now: Getting a new hip joint

    Then: Moving to California because it's cool
    Now: Moving to California because it's warm

    Then: Being called into the principal's office
    Now: Storming into the principal's office

    Then: Peace Sign
    Now: Mercedes Logo

    Then: Getting your head stoned
    Now: Getting your headstone

    Then: "Going blind"
    Now: REALLY going blind

    Then: Long hair
    Now: Longing for hair

    Then: Acid rock
    Now: Acid reflux

    Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
    Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

    Then: President Johnson
    Now: The President's johnson

    Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
    Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

    Then: The perfect high
    Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

    Then: Elvis in the army
    Now: Elvis in a UFO

    Then: Keg
    Now: EKG

    Then: Swallowing acid
    Now: Swallowing antacid

    Then: You're growing pot
    Now: Your growing pot

    Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
    Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

    Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
    Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

    Then: Passing the driving test
    Now: Passing the vision test

    Then: Seeds and stems
    Now: Roughage

    Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
    Now: Popping joints

    Then: Whatever?
    Now: Depends

    Then: "Off the pigs"
    Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol"

    Then: Om
    Now: Um

    Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
    Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity


Thursday, October 02, 2003, 6:24:54 AM
From Letters Sent To Landlords
    "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

    "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my nob off."

    "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

    "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

    "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

    "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

    "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

    "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."

    "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

    "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."


Wednesday, October 01, 2003, 6:42:22 AM
The Guilty Idiot
    Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


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