Wake up, Polly Parrot.


Graffiti Board Archive
November 2003

Sunday, November 30, 2003, 8:55:38 PM
The Operation
    George goes to his doctor. "Doc" he says, "I want to be castrated."

    The doctor stares at him in amazement. "What on earth for?" he asks.

    "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies George.

    "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

    "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

    "Well OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!"

    So George has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

    "Hi there," says George. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."

    "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

    George stares at him a second, then says, "Oh, THAT'S the word!"

Saturday, November 29, 2003, 9:29:03 PM
Boss's Decision
    A boss only had two employees, Jack and Mary, and they were both equally qualified workers. He knew he had to get rid of one of the employees, but he couldn't decide who it should be. He finally came up with a plan. He decided that the next person who came to the water cooler had to go. At mid-morning, Mary came by the water cooler to wash down a couple of aspirin.

    The boss called her into his office and began by saying, "I can't make up my mind whether to lay you or Jack off."

    Mary said, "You'd better jack off because I have a headache."

Friday, November 28, 2003, 1:51:36 PM
    A Kansas City man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned and he would have to return the next day.

    "What for?" he snapped at the judge.

    His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

    Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

    Replied the young man, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Thursday, November 27, 2003, 8:40:33 PM
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving
    Whew, that's one terrific spread!

    I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

    Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

    Talk about a huge breast!

    It's Cool Whip time!

    If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

    Are you ready for seconds yet?

    Are you going to come again next time?

    It's a little dry -- do you still want to eat it?

    Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

    Don't play with your meat.

    Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

    Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

    I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

    You still have a little bit on your chin.

    Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.

    How long will it take after you stick it in?

    You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

    Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

    How many are coming?

    That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

    Just lay back & take it easy . . . I'll do the rest.

    How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Wednesday, November 26, 2003, 7:49:00 PM
    "It is fatal to look hungry. It makes people want to kick you." -- George Orwell

    "If you see a snake, just kill it -- don't appoint a committee on snakes." -- H. Ross Perot

    "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." -- Grantland Rice

    "Grantland Rice can go to hell as far as I'm concerned." -- Gene Autry

    "I always advise people never to give advice." -- P.G. Wodehouse

    "Honesty is the best policy, and spinach is the best vegetable." -- Popeye the Sailor

    "To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it." -- Cary Grant

Tuesday, November 25, 2003, 8:28:41 PM
    "Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it." -- Benjamin Franklin

    "Always obey your superiors. If you have any." -- Mark Twain

    "Life is a shit sandwich. But if you've got enough bread, you can't taste the shit." -- Jonathan Winters

    "Rise early. Work late. Strike oil." -- J- Paul Getty

    "To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered." -- Voltaire

    "Never take top billing. You'll last longer that way." -- Bing Crosby

    "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly." -- Oscar Wilde

Monday, November 24, 2003, 7:50:36 PM
She was so blonde...
    ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
    ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
    ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
    ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
    ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
    ...she thought General Motors was in the Army.
    ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
    ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
    ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
    ...she tried to drown a fish.
    ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
    ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."
    ...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
    ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
    ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
    ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
    ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
    ...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
    ...she studied for a blood test-and failed.
    ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
    ...she sold the car for gas money.
    ...when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted." she went home and got 16 friends.
    ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
    ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
    ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
    ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
    ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

Sunday, November 23, 2003, 5:34:53 AM
Show 'Em
    Jack's wife, Mary, is very beautiful. She keeps herself in very good shape and looks like a model. One day Joe, Jack's friend, comes over to their house when Jack isn't home and while talking to Mary offers to give her $200 if she will show him her left breast.

    Mary is taken aback by the offer but after thinking about it decides to call his bluff and exposes her left breast to him. Jack smiles and gives her the $200 and offers another $200 to see her right breast.

    Amazed at the money in her hand she flashes him her right breast and he hands her another $200. Mary laughs a little and says, "Joe, you're mad. What's going on here?"

    "You're so beautiful," he replies. "Jack is such a lucky man." He offers to pay her a final $200 if she will show him both her breasts. In disbelief she agrees but insists he must leave after giving her the money which is exactly what happens.

    About an hour later Jack comes home from work. "Did Joe visit today?" he asks.

    Mary slightly apprensive answers, "Yes, yes he did."

    "Good," Jack replies, "did he give you the $600 he owes me?"

Saturday, November 22, 2003, 11:29:59 AM
Lawyers Q & A
    Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
    A. Their personalities.

    Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

    Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

    Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
    A. Not enough sand.

    Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
    A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

    Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    A. A Doberman.

    Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

    Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
    A. They had pictures of lawyers on them . . . and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

    Lawyer's creed:
    A man is innocent until proven broke.

    Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
    A. Lipstick.

    Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
    A. Chelsea Clinton

    Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
    A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

    Q. Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
    A. He gets taller.

Friday, November 21, 2003, 7:35:17 AM
Mottos For The Workplace
    As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

    Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

    Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute . . . I'll find someone.

    Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

    I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

    I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Thursday, November 20, 2003, 6:14:53 AM
Mottos For The Workplace
    As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

    I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

    I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

    Joan of Arc heard voices too.

    When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

    The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003, 6:29:48 AM
Mottos For The Workplace
    I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

    A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

    As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

    I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

    Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

    I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003, 7:02:15 AM
    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

    Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

    Why are they called stands when they're made for sitting?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    If it's illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

    Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

    How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

    If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

    Why do they call it a building? Why isn't it a built?

    Why is verb a noun?

    Are there seeing-eye humans for blind dogs?

    What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

    Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

    How can a house burn up while it burns down?

    Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

    Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

    Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

    Why is it called after dark when it really is after light?

    Why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

    Before drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Sunday, November 16, 2003, 10:02:04 PM
    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    How is it possible to have a civil war?

    If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

    If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

    If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Saturday, November 15, 2003, 1:05:31 PM
The Good Samaritan
    George came to work one day with 2 black eyes. His boss said, "George, what happened?"

    George said, "Well, I was coming to work on the bus and this fat lady got up to get off, and as she passed by I noticed that her dress was caught up in the crack of her butt. So, to save her some embarrassment I reached over and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye."

    The boss asked, "But what happened to the other eye?"

    George said, "Well I figured I must have done something wrong so as she turned to walk away I reached over and tucked it back in."

Friday, November 14, 2003, 7:00:16 AM
    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

    Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

    Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.

    Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

    Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Thursday, November 13, 2003, 6:27:24 AM
    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    My mind is like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.

    Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003, 6:24:02 AM
    Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

    No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

    The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003, 9:42:06 AM
    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

    Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    I intend to live forever -- so far so good.

    Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

Monday, November 10, 2003, 7:34:27 PM
    Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

    A day without sunshine is like, night.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Half the people you know are below average.

Sunday, November 09, 2003, 1:12:23 PM
My Bad
    On its July 30 'Family Fun' page, the Kansas City Star ran a blurb on National Clown Week. Accompanying the text, naturally enough, was a photo of a clown. But the editor selecting the file photo neglected to look at the flip side, which would have revealed that the clown in question was John Wayne Gacy, a Chicago serial killer (and onetime clown) executed five years ago for killing 33 boys and young men. The Star apologized the next day in an editor's note.

    Harold Reinke in Troy, New York, called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute. There was only one problem-Reinke was drunk and fell asleep. He woke up hours later still connected. The bill? $7,164.11.

    The Joseph A. Bank Clothiers, Inc., of Atlanta, Georgia, requested that the word 'Inc.' be dropped from its listing in the 1982 telephone directory yellow pages. As a result, the store was listed as "Drop Inc."

    The Clinton Legal Expense Trust, set up to defray President Clinton's legal expenses, sent fundraising letters to names on a Democratic mailing list. Apparently no one screened them. One went to Bernard Lewinsky, Monica's father. His written response: "You must be morons to send me this letter!"

    At a White House reception for the nation's mayors, President Ronald Reagan went up to a black man, shook his hand and said, "How are you, Mr. Mayor? I'm glad to see you. How are things in your city?" The man Reagan didn't recognize was Samuel Pierce, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, who regularly attended Cabinet meetings at which Reagan was present.

    Last October, Ian Clifton of Sheffield, England, slumped over in a pub after consuming 11 pints of lager and untold amounts of bathtub punch. Pub regulars, who assumed he had passed out, shaved off his hair and took pictures of him posed with an inflatable doll. Actually, Clifton had died of acute alcoholic poisoning. By the time his mates realized their mistake and called paramedics, Clifton had been dead for about an hour.

    To make a few extra bucks, Canada sold two old navy destroyers, the Kootenay and the Resdgouche, to Richard Crawford of Florida. However, they inadvertently transformed him into a military power because they forgot to remove a 10-foot-tall, eight-barreled anti-submarine launcher from one of the ships. Embarrassed Defense Department officials announced that Crawford wouldn't be allowed to leave Canadian waters until he turned in his guns.

Saturday, November 08, 2003, 6:57:42 PM
Changing Diapers
    A lady goes to her doctor complaining of stomach pains and some abdominal swelling. The doctor examines her nether regions and prepares to impart his diagnosis, asking her:

    "Do you like changing diapers?"

    "Why?" she asks excitedly, "Does that mean I'm pregnant?"

    "No" says the doctor. "You've got bowel cancer."

Friday, November 07, 2003, 6:37:55 AM
True Stories From The Emergency Room
    A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

    A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

    A man in his mid-fifties did a Lorena Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the man's genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be
    taught to pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

    A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch."

    A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

    An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

    An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

    The most non-emergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

    A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"

    A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five
    minutes ago!"

    A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"

    A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."

Thursday, November 06, 2003, 8:44:01 AM
    When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

    Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

    Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

    Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

    Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

    Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    Why is abbreviation such a long word?

    Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

    Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Wednesday, November 05, 2003, 7:41:41 AM
    If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

    If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

    Is it possible to be totally partial?

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    What's another word for thesaurus?

    When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Tuesday, November 04, 2003, 3:02:17 PM
    How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

    If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

    If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

    If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

    If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

    If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

Monday, November 03, 2003, 6:52:47 AM
Hillbilly Romance
    A hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log. After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the stars purty tonite?"

    Jon says, "Sure is Judi."

    Judi says, "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonite?"

    Jon says, "Sure is Judi."

    After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my ear."

    So Jon leans over and whispers, "Shit."

Sunday, November 02, 2003, 5:50:46 PM
Readers & Writers
    A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his laptop. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Saturday, November 01, 2003, 10:22:21 AM
Technologically Challenged
    Compaq considered changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5 1/4) diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

    A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.

    Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer". The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer --but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!

    Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk --- I couldn't even fit it in. The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove disk 1 first.

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