Wake up, Polly Parrot.

 











Graffiti Board Archive
December 2003

Wed, Dec 31, 2003, 6:28:49 AM
You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
    You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

    You're considered an expert on wormbeds.

    Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

    The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

    You've ever bought a used cap.

    Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

    You pick your teeth from a catalog.

    You've ever financed a tatoo.

    You've ever stolen toilet paper.

    You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

    People hear your car a long time before they see it.

    The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

    You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

    You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

    You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

    You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

    You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

    You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

    You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

    Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


Tue, Dec 30, 2003, 6:23:22 AM
You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
    You've ever hit a deer with your car . . . deliberately.

    Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

    You think a chainsaw is a musical instrument.

    You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

    You clean your fingernails with a stick.

    Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

    You keep a spraycan of Raid on the kitchen table.

    You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

    Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

    Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

    Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

    You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

    There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

    The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

    There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

    You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

    The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

    You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

    You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

    You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.


Mon, Dec 29, 2003, 6:58:25 AM
You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
    You ever cut your grass and found a car.

    You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.

    You think the stock market has a fence around it.

    Your stereo speakers used to belong to a drive-in theater.

    You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

    Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

    You own a homemade fur coat.

    Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

    You burn your yard rather than mow it.

    Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

    You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

    You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

    The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

    You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

    Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

    Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?", and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

    Birds are attracted to your beard.

    Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

    You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

    You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.


Sun, Dec 28, 2003, 7:50:57 AM
The Tramp & The Pope
    A deeply religious and very poor man heard the Pope was coming to his city. The man decided to sell all his belongings and buy a beautiful suit and take a bus to the city.

    The man stands by the side of the road on the first day of a parade and sees the Pope in his Pope-mobile. Much to his delight the Pope stops his Pope-mobile and gets out.

    The Pope walks directly towards him and the man is overjoyed...but then the Pope walks past and whispers into a tramp's ear and walks away.

    The man talks to the tramp and offers his beautiful suit and the little money in his pockets to him for the tramp's smelly clothes. The tramp agrees.

    The next day the man, wearing the tramp's clothes, sits in exactly the same spot as the tramp did. The Pope-mobile comes down the street and sure enough it stops and the Pope gets out.

    The Pope walks directly over to the man and bends over to whisper in his ear and says, "Didn't I tell you yesterday to get the HELL out of here."


Sat, Dec 27, 2003, 9:43:46 PM
As I Lay Dying
    This old guy lay on his deathbed, not long for this world. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

    With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

    There, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven . . . or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost within his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

    The aged and withered hand, nevertheless made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

    "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Fri, Dec 26, 2003, 6:17:24 AM
Quickies
    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    Is there another word for synonym?


Thu, Dec 25, 2003, 8:27:54 AM
Does Santa Exist
    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal -- I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -- 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

    Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second -- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

    Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload -- not even counting the weight of the sleigh -- to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison -- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second.

    Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

    A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    So, there you have it -- no Santa. But remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.


Wed, Dec 24, 2003, 6:20:50 AM
Signs Of Christmas
    Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

    Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

    Outside a church: "The Original Christmas Club."

    At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

    A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000. "

    A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

    In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."


Tue, Dec 23, 2003, 6:44:12 AM
Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves
    "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

    "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

    "I taught Santa everything he knows."

    "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

    "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

    "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

    "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

    "I can get you off the Naughty List."


Mon, Dec 22, 2003, 3:04:28 PM
Birth of a Christmas Tradition
    Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had done while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

    Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

    Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

    And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.


Sun, Dec 21, 2003, 7:33:20 AM
Giving Thanks
    A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

    After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"


Sat, Dec 20, 2003, 7:02:36 AM
Santa and the FAA
    Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.

    The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

    "What's that for??" asked Santa incredulously.

    The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."


Fri, Dec 19, 2003, 11:39:00 AM
Frodo Lives!
    Things not to do while watching Lord of the Rings:

    Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait . . . where the hell is Harry Potter?"

    Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU . . . SHALL . . . NOT . . . PASS!"

    After the movie, say, "Lucas could have done it better."

    Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "The Ring."

    Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

    Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

    Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis-ter Ander-sonnn."

    When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it . . . MY way!"

    Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

    Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.

    When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

    In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

    Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

    During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

    Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

    Start an Orc sing-a-long.

    Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

    When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

    Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

    Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

    Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

    When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"


Fri, Dec 19, 2003, 6:29:18 AM
Praying For Gifts
    Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

    "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE . . . I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION . . . I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD . . ."

    His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

    To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"


Thu, Dec 18, 2003, 6:36:53 AM
Pickup Line Comebacks
    "I know how to please a woman."
    "Then please leave me alone."

    "I want to give myself to you."
    "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

    "Your hair color is fabulous."
    "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the drug store."

    "You look like a dream."
    "Go back to sleep."

    "I can tell that you want me."
    "Yes, I want you to leave."

    "I'd go through anything for you."
    "Let's start with your bank account."

    "May I have the last dance?"
    "You've just had it."

    "Your place or mine?"
    "Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine."

    "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?"
    "What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"

    "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
    "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Wed, Dec 17, 2003, 6:21:55 AM
Sayings
    One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

    Schizophrenia beats being alone.

    If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

    Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

    Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

    All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

    Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

    I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.


Tue, Dec 16, 2003, 6:31:22 AM
Bumper Stickers
    Jesus Loves You. -- Everyone Else Thinks You're an A-hole

    Sterilize Stupid People

    Beer -- Helping White Guys Dance Since 1842

    Enjoy Beer -- It's not just for breakfast anymore

    You Lost. Get Over It!

    Discourage Inbreeding -- Ban Country Music

    Terrorists Suck

    PETA -- People Eating Tasty Animals

    Will Have Sex for Beer

    My Kid Kicked the Crap out of Your Honor Roll Student

    Hang Up and Drive!


Mon, Dec 15, 2003, 8:25:06 AM
Sarcasm In The Workplace
    And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...

    Do I look like a people person?

    This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

    I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    You! Off my planet!

    If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

    Does your train of thought have a caboose?

    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    A PBS mind in an MTV world.

    Allow me to introduce my selves.

    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

    I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

    Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.

    Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

    A woman's favorite position is CEO.

    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

    Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one?

    I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

    Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.

    I plead contemporary insanity.

    And which dwarf are you?

    How do I set a laser printer on stun?

    Meandering to a different drummer.

    I majored in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?


Sun, Dec 14, 2003, 12:32:17 PM
Put Away Your Tools
    A husband tells his wife there is a problem with the exhaust pipe on their car, and he's going to check it out in the afternoon.

    The wife goes shopping.

    It's a nice sunny, warm day and he puts the car outside their home and jacks it up. As he is beginning his task their new next door neighbor comes over to see what's going on and to introduce himself. Turns out he's done this kind of job before and he offers his help. He slides under the jacked-up car and starts tinkering around.

    The owner offers to go into the house and grab a cool six-pack.

    While he is inside, his wife returns. She notices that the guy half way under the car has a problem with his shorts. His genitalia is sticking out of the shorts in the opening intended exclusively for his right leg.

    Thinking that it is her husband, she wants to correct the situation and utters says, "You shouldn't leave your tools lying around like that," while reaching down and stuffing everything back into the shorts where it belongs.

    She goes inside and is freaked out of her mind by meeting her husband and a six-pack in the kitchen door. She inquires about the guy under the car and learns that it is their new next door neighbor.

    She runs outside only to discover that their neighbor is unconscious and bleeding from his forehead.


Sat, Dec 13, 2003, 6:37:44 PM
Music Q & A
    Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
    A: Will the defendant please rise.

    Q: What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
    A: Who Cares.

    Q: What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

    Q: What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start.

    Q: What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
    A: Drool.

    Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
    A: It saves time in the long run.

    Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
    A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.

    Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
    A: By their names.

    Q: What is the difference between a french horn and a lawnmower?
    A: You can tune a lawnmower.

    Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
    A: Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

    Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
    A: The grip.

    Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
    A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

    Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

    Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
    A: A drummer.

    Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
    A: The knocking always speeds up.

    Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
    A: They never know when to come in.

    Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 50. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."

    Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
    A: Their personality.

    Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
    A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

    Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
    A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.

    Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
    A: A violin burns faster.

    Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
    A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

    Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
    A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.

    Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.


Fri, Dec 12, 2003, 6:41:34 AM
Always Look On The Brighter Side of Life
    Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

    Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

    Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

    Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

    Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

    If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

    You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

    Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

    Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

    We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

    A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

    Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!


Thu, Dec 11, 2003, 6:44:11 AM
Why
    Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

    Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

    Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

    Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations, where smoking is prohibited?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    Why are there locks on the door of 7-11 stores, if they're open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year?

    Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

    Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

    Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

    Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

    Why don't they just make the whole plane out of the same stuff as the black box?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

    Why is abbreviation such a long word?


Wed, Dec 10, 2003, 6:29:13 AM
What I've Learned by Andy Rooney
    I've learned that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
    I've learned that when you're in love, it shows.
    I've learned that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
    I've learned that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
    I've learned that being kind is more important than being right.
    I've learned that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
    I've learned that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
    I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
    I've learned that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
    I've learned that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
    I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
    I've learned that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
    I've learned that money doesn't buy class.
    I've learned that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
    I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
    I've learned that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
    I've learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
    I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
    I've learned that love, not time, heals all wounds.
    I've learned that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
    I've learned that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
    I've learned that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
    I've learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
    I've learned that life is tough, but I'm tougher.
    I've learned that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
    I've learned that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
    I've learned that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
    I've learned that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
    I've learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
    I've learned that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
    I've learned that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
    I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
    I've learned that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

Tue, Dec 09, 2003, 6:46:01 AM
Spy Interview
    The CIA is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down.

    "Do you love your wife?"

    "Yes I do."

    "Do you love your country?"

    "Yes I do."

    "What do you love more, your wife or your country?"

    "My country."

    "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

    The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about five minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

    The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says, "I can't do it..."

    The third guy comes in, same scenario. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is following by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes.

    The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and asks, "What happened?"

    "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle the bitch!"


Mon, Dec 08, 2003, 6:22:48 AM
Groaners
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


Sat, Dec 06, 2003, 8:47:20 AM
Friendship
    Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.

    Friendships are fragile thing, and require as much handling as any other fragile and precious thing.

    Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; don't walk behind me, I may not lead; walk beside me, and just be my friend.

    True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

    Love comes from blindness, friendship from knowledge.


Fri, Dec 05, 2003, 7:59:21 AM
Best Chocolate Rum Cake Ever
    Ingredients:
    1 or 2 quarts Rum
    1 Tbsp Soda
    1 Cup Butter
    1/2 Cup Cocoa
    1 Tbsp Sugar
    1 Tbsp Lemon Juice
    2 Large Eggs
    1 Cup Brown Sugar
    1 Cup Dried Fruit
    Nuts
    Baking Powder

    Befor you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. And 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge legs, 1 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets struck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again to check for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it doesn't matter) -- sampertherumagain. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juith. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what-ever color you find. Wix mel. Greast over the turn cake pan to 350 gradees. Now pour the whole mess in the boven and cake. Check the rum again and bo to ged.


Thu, Dec 04, 2003, 11:35:26 AM
Huh?
    Bay leaves?

Thu, Dec 04, 2003, 6:43:01 AM
Courage
    Courage is not limited to the battlefield or to the Indianapolis 500 or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are . . . the inner tests, like remaining faithful when nobody's looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty, like standing alone when you're misunderstood, like fighting for what is right even when you know you are going to lose.

    -- Charles R. Swindoll "Growing Strong in Seasons of Life"


Wed, Dec 03, 2003, 1:26:51 PM
Anonymous
    After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet (sqwauk sheet), which conveys to the
    mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
    during the flight that need repair or correction.

    The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the
    solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the
    way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.


Wed, Dec 03, 2003, 6:16:26 AM
The Exchange Rate
    A Japanese is holidaying in England. On the day of his arrival, he takes half his yen to the bank and is given 1000 in return.

    Ten days later, he is running out of cash and returns to the bank, to exchange the other half. The teller gives him only 750.

    "Why you onry give me 750?" he asks. "Rast week I got 1000!"

    "Fluctuation," replies the teller.

    "And fluck you too, Eulopean!"


Tue, Dec 02, 2003, 6:27:56 AM
Facts Of Life
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    Money can't buy happiness . . . but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

    Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

    Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

    A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

    It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

    Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

    The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

    It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

    Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

    The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

    Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

    Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

    Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

    Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


Mon, Dec 01, 2003, 6:42:57 AM
Zebra visits The Farm
    A zebra was visiting a farm. "Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?"

    "I make sure everyone gets up on time for a nice early start on the day," he replied.

    "How about you?" she asked a cow.

    "I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk, so they can make butter and cheese," the cow said.

    "And what's your job on the farm?" the zebra asked a stallion.

    "Take off those fancy striped pajamas," he answered, "and I'll show you."



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