Green Wizard On Parade
 I can't believe I did this...
 Wizard, Jittlov, St. Patrick's Day, Begorrah


              In-Person Report - A UseNet Exclusive

          WIZARD CRASHES MAIN STREET ECLECTICAL PARADE!
          ---------------------------------------------

(UWI) Dateline:  Ventura, CA - Saturday, March 13, 1993

While the East Coast was paralyzed by a killer storm, with record
 snowfall, savage winds and massive flooding - this corner of the
 West Coast frolicked in a delightfully sunlit and singularly early
 honoring of the patron Saint of all Ireland.

There were no Irish parades in L.A. proper.  With the City of the
 Angels approaching bankruptcy, all parade planners were required to
 first cough up $65,000 for police protection.  The Hollywood Blvd
 organizers conferred with the Downtown L.A. organizers and the
 Beverly Hills organizers.  End result - no result.

Except in the city of Ventura ("Gateway to Oxnard") - located 70
 miles WNW of Hollywood and one of the oldest towns in the state -
 where the Spirit of St. Pat was to be celebrated in a wonderfully
 eclectic parade of humanity.

As my wiz-wagon was long since departed, "Wizard of Speed and Time"
 superfans Jay and Linda Costelloe zoomed down to Hollywood, cajoled
 my person into their blazing red Firebird, and we white-knuckled it
 along 101-North to the assembled multitudes.  As a member of the
 planning commitee, Jay swore he could legally get me into this.

`Twas a bright, golden, sunny California day - no wind, no clouds,
 no shade.  Air temperature was 85 degrees.  Everyone was wearing
 T-shirts and shorts.  Except the 6'2" lime-green fool in the
 close-weave satin robe, hood, and pants - who was also wearing all
 of his street clothes underneath.  (Hope that ends THAT rumor.)

I saw a stack of program guides, and opened it to a schedule.  Wow,
 they even had me listed! ...As "Mike Gittlov" - eh, could be worse.

A whistle shrilled!  The Santa Paula Marching Band blared up.  And
 the procession began, rounding onto Main Street at Father Serra's
 Buenaventura Mission.  A thick crowd of several thousands lined the
 downtown thoroughfare to cheer and react most positively to all the
 festive entries.  There were dancers in green capes, fair colleens
 with green antennae, swaggering men with green plastic derbies and
 CIA shirts ("Certified Irish American").

And the parade entries were even more interesting.

No uptight New York officialdom here - EVERYBODY was allowed to
 party, especially if you matched this year's theme, "At the End of
 the Rainbow."  There were Lions, a tiger, and Elks (oh my), the
 Knights of Columbus and a Model A Motorcade, Claddagh School
 Dancers, Peruvian Horse Owners, Vietnam Veterans, Gay-Lesbian
 Veterans, the Seabee Color Guards, the Bombay Bar & Grill, Pruner
 Ambulance, a 30' high inflated green pig (don't ask), and LA's own
 "Ageless Athlete" Gypsy Boots.

Even the dead - excuse me, the "Metabolically Challenged" - were
 represented.  For Arnold Hubbard, the parade's Grand Marshall, had
 unfortunately died last St. Pat's Day.  But that didn't stop the
 parade organizers.  Ventura Councilman Monahan noted, "When he was
 alive, Arnold would never accept the position of grand marshall.
 But when he was dead, he had no choice."  Ah, that wry Irish
 whimsy!

Everyone showed - except the Ventura Attorneys' Association, whose
 stretch limo was blocked from entry.  (After all, Saint Patrick
 drove the snakes OUT of Ireland.  It just wouldn't be kosher.)

In the full count of 70 entries, I was Number 38.  Just a little
 off-center.  Most appropriate.

I was also just 30' behind the truck with Ban Dar Bar wet T-shirt
 coterie - all in a G-rated "Wizard of Oz" theme (complete with a
 stuffed Toto...but NO wizard!).  And I was immediately followed by
 a dozen prancing Highland girls with a kilt complex, and then the
 Los Angeles Lakers Cheerleaders.

The Afterlife should be so nice.  And the People called out unto
 me, "Look!  It's St. Patrick himself!!"  Hey, I could work with
 that - and proceeded at a pace befitting his grace.

Until the next moment - when the Ban Dar speakers played "We're Off
 to See the Wizard".  A cue, if ever I heard one.  My march became
 a rollicking side-step, then a bouncing Irish jig, and the crowd
 started to applaud.

Suddenly, several people actually cheered me By Name!!  And lo -
 they were rewarded, for Jay had made VHS copies of my feature film,
 which I handed out to deserving souls.  (Probably would've made
 more sense to hand them out to people who HADN'T seen our movie,
 but you get parade-happy - I felt like a celebrity.)

As I danced before the parade platform, its panel of judges stared
 at me and then conferred.  Suddenly their loudspeaker announced:
 "Our next entry is a one-man parade!  Mike Jetlove is the producer,
 director, and star of the Disney classic, `Wizard of Speed and
 Time!' In his lime-green robe and kelly-green sneakers, the Wizard
 can run 500 miles-per-hour, with a good tail-wind and no
 cross-traffic!"  (Praise Jay, he'd delivered a few words of
 explanation just in time.)

The procession paused.  I stood in mid-street, still as a statue.
 I could hear my own heartbeat - always a good sign, even at this
 deafening level.  Some one cried "Yee-haa!", as the Ban Dar float
 lurched forward, its boomboxes now blasting out "Achy-Breaky
 Heart".

Inspiration sneaked up and ignited.  My right foot began to tap...
 The crowd clapped, louder, stronger.  My whole leg began a-bouncin'
 and boundin', and I pointed with both hands at the mounting
 miracle..

Because I had... HAPPY FEET!!! *WhoaaaaAAAaaaaaAAAAaaaaaAAAAAII!!!*
 And off I wailed, spinning, costume flying and flapping, the crowds
 roared and clapping along.  There were amazed gasps as my feet flew
 and deftly missed every souvenir from the horse brigades.  The L.A.
 Laker Float was coming fast, carrying a row of pomponned
 cheerleaders.

Can't say what possessed me - maybe Goethe's "boldness has magic in
 it", or my Dad bein' Rushin' & speed's in my genes - but yet
 anotherscene from the "Nostradamus of Motion Pictures" was coming
 True, asthe Whirling Wizard zoomed and LEAPED...this time landing
 high aboard the moving float.  The Laker Lasses laughed and
 applauded, I could do no wrong, and we posed and parade-waved at
 the cheering throngs.  Ace photographer Jay snapped a roll of
 Kodachromes, which may wind up on somebody's Xmas cards.

And so it went, for a mile more.  I'll probably pay for it with
 every joint and muscle for a week.  But heckfire - it's a kind of
 down-home fun that billionaires and Disney execs couldn't buy, or
 even dare try.

More personal appearances and autographs ensued at the packed town
 hall, where an Elizabeth Taylor lookalike pulled my arms close
 around her for further photos.  (Ahh, it's GOOD to be the Wizard!
 :)

Thence to Castle Costelloe, for a sumptuous post-parade banquet and
 party, where I amazed friends and neighbors with a half hour of
 magic tricks, followed by a video viewing of "Wizard" and my usual
 rant of what our movie was supposed to be and will be if I ever
 find an honest lawyer and producer to save and complete it, etc,
 etc.  All the couples laughed and mingled, and it seemed like
 everyone half my age was already engaged or married.  

Soon too late to drive back to L.A., Jay and Linda insisted I stay
 overnight in their guest room.  Irish books and momentos
 everywhere.  Jay has a whole town named after his family, near the
 musical haven of Doolin, Ireland.  I played some of his Doolin and
 Schooner Fare cassettes - beautiful, sad, lonely, lovely stuff.
 Thought about a certain silken-haired girlfriend...sure would be
 nice to have some warm feminine companionship, right now.  I mean,
 I dared to make a complete idiot of myself in public, and
 everything actually turned out great.  Such heroism should be
 rewarded.

And as I clicked off the bedside lamp, and relaxed into the slowly
 sloshing waves of the waterbed, the room door gently squeaked
 open... As Princess Velvet tiptoed in, wearing a green lace garter
 and nothing else.  Slinking seductively onto the bed, she bent low
 over me and licked my face, and then curled into a purring fur-ball
 on my chest.  I was even happier, when the kitten eventually pulled
 in her claws.

(Be careful what you wish for.  Be very precise.)

                                             .     a@~
 _________________________________________ _, ._    ". * ____ ___
  Mike Jittlov - Wizard, etc        .   . +  *  _^/\  `.`.`. +.
   Hollywood, CA 90026-2714        '   *  .'  '/ \| '. `. * .  *
 jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu   (: May All Your" |_\  Good Dreams
   <& alt.fan.mike-jittlov>     and Fine Wishes _/  \,Come True:)
 =============================================='      ===========

"May the road be ever beneath your feet, and the sky above your
 crown, and may ye be in Tahiti before the tax collector knows
 you're gone."                              -- Michael O'Gumby