The Potterverse belongs to JK Rowling. Quidditch in Bed belongs to me – so far.
If you have not yet read Why Slytherins Are Sexier (title inspired by Morrigan’s notorious Song) go and do so, otherwise this challenge will make no sense.
Quidditch in Bed, in the world of the Letter from Exile trilogy (that’s optimistism for you) is the only book about sex written by Gryffindors to achieve any notoriety outside of Gryffindor House itself. It is currently a ‘virtual’ or imaginary book, referred to by Severus Snape as proof that Gryffindor males are hopeless macho gits when it comes to sexuality. (cf Why Slytherins Are Sexier for the fuller and subtler version of this.) This non-existent book has aquired a kind of reality through the references to it in other fanfics (notably upcoming chapters in Riley’s Pawn to Queen ). This gave me the idea that Quidditch in Bed could have a life of its own.
SO: your mission, should you accept it, is to write that infamous manual. You should include the chapters and quotations referred to in WSAS (eg, "Your Witch and her Snitch", "Equal Scoring", getting the Quaffle through the hoop…) and add clever and imaginative ones of your own - sustaining the Quidditch analogies of course. Deal with the fact that it is in at least its fiftieth imprint, as Albus Dumbledore speaks of having snuck into the restricted section to read it several decades ago. You may if you wish write the ‘revised and updated edition’ – date of your choice with matching Preface, if you don’t fancy writing in the style of the 1950s (Could be fun: the authors trying to cope with the Women’s Lib Movement of the early 70s. Maybe "Your Witch and her Snitch" is a later addition). Invent convincing names for the fictional author(s). Remember they are blokes. Make it as long or as short as you like – post by chapter if necessary. Post entries to ff.net under the title "Quidditch in Bed: the Sphinx Challenge".
Dateline: 19 April, 2003
AND THE WINNER IS:
Quoth the Sphinx:
It looks as if the official version of the "Quidditch in Bed" challenge is
Angel of the North's at fictionalley and fanfiction.net. Only one other
writer has taken up the challenge - Snowieaddz, who began hilariously but doesn't
seem to have got beyond a few chapters.
AotN's version is a subtler work than I could ever have imagined the idea
would provoke - rather than going for out-and-out Laddism, she nails the slightly
quaint aspect that makes you imagine it as the kind of book Dumbledore might
indeed have snuck into the Restricted Section for in his day. She also
puts across the hapless good intentions of her fictional authors - who are
really, really trying to come to terms with sexual equality, but just. don't.
get. it. Understanding it all in terms of sport is precisely as far as
the poor dears will ever go....
I keep thinking - surely AothN won't be able to sustain and develop the analogy
with such, er, variety and thoroughness for yet another chapter - but she never
fails to, um, pull it off, and there's always something quietly outrageous in
the next variation of the theme.