"'I'm Having Elvis' Baby!' By Miss Janet Carter of Pope County, Arkansas"
Copyright 1994, Kevin Andrew Murphy
I know everybody thinks I'm crazy, but I swear it, I
swear it to God! Not only did I see Elvis, but I'm gonna
have his baby.
Elvis is alive. I know I was jus' a li'l thing when
everyone says he died, but he didn't. No he didn't. That
boozy ol' thing that snorted cocaine an' went shufflin'
aroun' with the potbelly weren't Elvis. Nosirreebob. That
weren't Elvis at all. That was jus' a fat old troll.
But I'm gettin' ahead of myse'f. The first time I met
the real Elvis, I was workin' jus' outside town
for Bob and Melba at the Jiffy J Diner (jus' off Route 7--
Melba said I'd get a raise if I mentioned that, and you
should go there anyway, cuz the food's real good, 'specially
the chili, which I help make). Anyway, Melba thought it
might be an idea to get some live entertainment, like a
band, since we needed sumpthin' anyway after the tv started
shortin' out an' all we could get was Oprah Winfrey. An'
she came in all squinched and purple.
Anyway, Melba'd hardly had the sign out for any time
when the cutest li'l ol' thing came in, young, not much
older than me even, an' didn't he look jus' like Elvis.
('Course he was Elvis, but we didn't know that
jus' yet--I'm gettin' ahead of myse'f again). Anyway, he
was dressed real nice, but simple, jus' bluejeans an' a T-
shirt an' a ol' beat-up guitar. He bought a cup of coffee,
then asked if me and Bob and Melba wanted to hear him sing.
An' lord if he didn't sound jus' like Elvis when he did
"Love Me Tender" and "Teddy Bear" and "Blue Christmas."
('Course he was Elvis, but like I said, I'm gettin' ahead of
Then he sang "Hound Dog" an' I knew. He
was Elvis. He was the King. Other people might soun' like
'im or look like 'im, but nobody could move his pelvis that
way--not Jon Bon Jovi, not Randy Travis, not even George
Michael, though he tries real good. (And certainly not that
ol' troll they showed waddlin' aroun' jus' before he died--
That weren't Elvis at all.) Watchin' him twitch his behind
aroun' that floor of the Jiffy J, I jus' knew I'd found the
real Elvis--an' I was gonna make him mine.
He said his name was Tommy. (It was Elvis, of course,
but he was workin' undercover.) Melba gave him the job
Anyway, after that, "Tommy" came into the Jiffy J every
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night and sang while Bob
cooked an' Melba tended counter an' I waited tables. An'
after we got off work, Tommy came on back to my trailer,
an', well, we did what we did, y'know?
An' everythin' was jus' great until the month I didn't
get the Curse. I panicked, 'cause I couldn't go to my
momma, an' I could tell Lori Beth (my best friend since
junior high) or it would be all over town. (Lori Beth's
great, but I swear, she's got that telephone attached at the
ear.) So I went to Melba, an' she was real good to me an'
sat me down an' 'splained all 'bout the birds and the bees
an' all. An' after she was through goin' on (shoot--if I
didn' know 'bout the birds and the bees in the first place
would I have got myse'f into this fix?), Melba went to
Walmart and got me one of those little plastic things, but
lordy if it didn't turn blue.
"Tommy" came in that night, an' after I spilled the
third pot of coffee, Melba gave us the evenin' off. I took
"Tommy" behind the diner an' laid it out to him straight.
After a li'l while, he tol' me it weren't that he didn't
want to marry me, but he couldn't. I asked why not, an' he
says he already was married, an' I says, "To who?" and he
says, "Priscilla Presley."
I tol' him he was full of it--He may look like Elvis an'
soun' like Elvis, but the real Elvis was a fat ol' geezer
who up 'n croaked more'n ten years ago. An' then Tommy
says, "Forsooth, fair Janet, that was not me. That was a
troll they had disguised with glamour."
I wanted to know why he started talkin' so funny all of
a sudden, an' who was this "they" he was talkin' about, an'
did he think I was a halfwit, 'cause there weren't no way
you could use no fashion magazine to make a homeless person
look like Elvis.
Then he got scared, and says that "they" was the elves,
an' they kidnapped him like they always did with musicians
they liked. An' to keep him from being missed, they found a
fat ol' troll an' let him go live in Graceland with
Well that sure explained a lot of things, but I still
didn't buy it. Then he asked me to come with him an' we got
on his motorcycle an' lit outa town. An' lordy, didn' he
feed me a line, all 'bout how the elves had stolen him away,
and Jim Morrison too, an' a lot of others, then let a bunch
of fat ol' trolls doll themselves up with some magic makeup
an' take their places. I asked if they'd done that with
John Belushi, but he said no, John Belushi had croaked
hisse'f good an proper with his own cocaine an' the elves
didn' have nothin' to do with it. They had certain
And as Sheherezayd said, "Yet that is not the end of my tale...."