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THE GUNS OF NAVARONE AS ENVISIONED BY JOHN MCCAIN

General: Mr. Mallory, we need to send you on a mission.
Mallory: Anything, sir.
General: You need to slip onto an island controlled by the Nazis.
Mallory: Fine.
General: You need to climb a five-hundred foot rock wall during a howling gale.
Mallory: Yes, sir.
General: You need to do this alongside a man whose family you accidentally got
killed, and who has sworn to kill you.
Mallory: That will only make it interesting.
General: Once you're at the top of the cliff, you will have to fight nazis stationed there to prevent anybody from reaching the summit. You will need to cross occupied territory, evading Nazis who have been told about your presence and will have absolutely no objection to killing and torturing you.
Mallory: How fun.
General: You will be strafed by fighter jets, betrayed by spies, attacked by forces who outnumber you a thousand to one.
Mallory: And loving it.
General: Your objective is the artillery installation on the other side of the island, which is guarded by the cream of Hitler's military machine. You must get inside, plant explosives, blow up the guns, and escape even as the krauts break in determined to kill you. If you're lucky, you will rendezvous with a boat while being shot at. However, our analysts say that your chances are statistically zero. You have virtually no chance of escape.
Mallory: Let me at 'em, sir.
General: Your number-two man, the explosives expert, will hate your guts almost as much as the crazy grieving Dad does.
Mallory: All for one, and one for all, sir.
General: Excellent. You seem like the man for the job. But one last thing: one of the men going with you enjoys sucking cock in his spare time.
Mallory: FUCK YOU, GENERAL! I REFUSE!

January 2010


 

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