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It took a long time, but it finally happened.
At my advanced age, I've finally encountered the Lamest Science Fiction Story Of All Time.
You may have a different nominee. I wouldn't be surprised. But to even encounter a story worthy of that dishonorable title, at this late date, is unexpected.
It requires heroic dimensions of lameness. Lameness extreme even by the standards of lameness.
It appears in a comic book compilation called STEVE DITKO'S SPACE WARS, published by Vanguard; one of many books I just received, for possible review in SCI FI Magazine. (I'll be receiving many such packages over the next two months and will be assigned only a fraction of their contents.)
And, yes, it's a collection of skiffy comics by Steve Ditko.
This much needs to be said for folks not in the know: Steve Ditko's resume as an artist is an impressive one. He is, among things, the co-creator of SPIDER-MAN, among many other lesser characters. He is responsible for establishing DR. STRANGE's surreal look. He is also, for what it's worth, positive or negative, a devout follower of Ayn Rand who voluntarily left the more commercial markets to self-produce comics promoting her philosophies.
That's where we get his resume as a writer, most of which is, let's say, spotty in the extreme.
I do not know if the following story, dating from the 50s or 60s, was written by Ditko, but it was drawn by him, and it reads like his work.
THE MOON SNATCHERS!
"While the United Nations of Earth were busy mining the moon for valuable minerals, a strange occurrence envolving the satellite had been detected..."
That's right. Envolving. Also, passive structure. Least of the story's sins.
It turns out that the Chief Astronomer of Earth has found out that the moon is actually moving away from the Earth.
A reporter (smoking, with press pass in his hat brim) asks him if the Earth will be affected if the moon disappears. He says, "certainly, tidal action of the oceans will cease, but what else might happen we don't know...yet!"
He doesn't mention world-spanning tectonic disturbances, but hey.
A guy in a turban notes, "If we lose the moon we will not only lose a source of valuable minerals, but our only dumping ground for atomic wastes!"
Somebody measures the speed of its retreat: 20,000 miles per day and accelerating.
The miners all evacuate.
A nameless professor calculates that the moon is headed toward Venus. "Some great force ray" is pulling the moon out of orbit and there's nothing Earth can do about it.
One of the miners, Bill Corwin, the nominal protagonist of the story, left behind when the others bugged out, is introduced at the halfway point. He is shown standing and looking up at the Earth, which looks pretty dang large to me; guess his co-workers left in REAL haste. His bosses from home videophone that they can never forgive themselves for leaving him. The plucky Bill says, "Well, I'll try to make the make the best of it," and, "At least I'm getting a free trip to Venus."
He loses contact with Earth and just stands around doing nothing while Venus looms larger in the sky.
A fleet of spaceships leaves Venus and lands on the moon. One saucer lands a stone's throw from Bill, who says, "Well, I guess this is curtains for me!"
We are treated to the following face to face meeting between Bill and the Venusians. All punctuation is SIC.
Venusian: We brought your moon up here and have set it in orbit around Venus which has no moon!
Bill: You have no right to steal our moon! My people will fight to have it back!
Venusian: We are astounded that there is intelligent life on Earth but since you have explained so much about it, we shall return your moon to it's earthly orbit! You are welcome to visit our planet!
Bill: I shall enjoy it!
And the Venusians put the moon back, "much to the relief of lovers everywhere as well as practical scientists!"
The End.
A pretty good story, if you don't want characters, or conflict, or suspense, or a friggin' point.
The bad news: it's not even the worst story in the volume. There is one that achieves greater heights of badness, but for reasons that go beyond the merely lame. That one's a science-fictional attack on beatniks. Oy vey...!
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